Letter 14: Love Should Roam Free

When you don't know what you want! You keep yourself from having what you do want!

I keep getting it wrong - this idea of me and my partner for life.

There's a reason I'm single - -

It has everything to do with not knowing what I want and not being clear about my intentions.

It has everything to do with loving those I love unconditionally - - but with silent conditions.

It's about this need of mine to FIX everything. Am I needy? I would never admit that. But I do have NEEDS! Don't we all?

So once again - - I have to reevaluate where I am in my life and start with a clean slate.

I decided to write a letter - - this is a new letter. It wasn't supposed to be apart of the 12 letter series but I'd like to include it.


Letter 14: Love Should Roam Free

December 3, 2007

Querido RD,

How are you my love? Yeah I needed to put down the pen and type this sh$%. I love you but damn - - it ain’t easy writing in print all my letters to you. You don't know this about me - - everything I write I handwrite first. So if I write you a letter I end up writing that sh&% twice – if I write a 2000 word blog I hand write it first - - my novel also being handwritten – so typing this letter is- so you can read my words.

For you RD - - a love letter.

So what's really good babe?

Today in my prayers and meditation the word that came up for me was closure… and I knew exactly what this meant for me - - that I needed to do some house cleaning and close some chapters in my life so that I can start getting ready for the new.

Here's what I wrote in my journal this morning:

I keep having these thoughts and feeling about closure with RD (for a couple of months its been coming up for me) - - a part of me wants to hold onto an idea about him… we have so much fun together, and he's a good man with his own journey to grow into… a learning that must be done on his own - - free of me - - I would just get in the way.

That and he just isn't available to me –- he isn't available for me in the ways that I'd like a partner to be – he's not ready for me - - he isn't present - - he shows NO interest in me. And for a while I was OK with that - - I just figured that's just how he is. I figured he doesn't really pursue women he's interested in – he doesn't show women interest like that - - I was feeling like - - would he have ever kicked it to me if I didn't make the first move? Would he have talked to me at all? But that didn't stop me because I pursued him anyway (and I still feel like the one doing all the pursuing). I am not sure we are anywhere NEAR on the same page. Does he see me because I express interest in seeing him or because he genuinely feels things for me?

I don't really know how you feel about me… it's important to let a person know how you feel about them and what it is you want and need from them.

I must let him go…if he is the person for me - - a season – a reason - - a lifetime won't keep him from me. So for now I must let him go. I need to make room for the love of my life Alicia :-)

I'm letting you go

A poem I wanted to share with you:

Apologetic, by ordinary childhood


i can't say i'm sorry it didn't work out between us
because i do believe we carried our
friendship to the furthest extent
but i am apologetic
as can be seen by the things i did with and for you
i think your a very kind person
and i have no ill feeling with regards to the way i feel towards you
we just have to many different perspectives
and as i would not attempt to change your view on life
i wouldn't want you to attempt to do that to me either
for who we are is what drew us together
for now we learned all we could from each other
and now we must move on
its not healthy for you to continue in this manner
so i say goodbye once more


Amor, these are the words that jumped out for me in the poem:

"we just have to many different perspectives
and as i would not attempt to change your view on life
i wouldn't want you to attempt to do that to me either
for who we are is what drew us together"


This poem is more about me than it is about you. See you already live FREE although you talk a lot about feeling like you live in a cage. You are more FREE than most! You are more ahead of the game than you give yourself credit for. I on the other hand have much to learn from you on what it is to be and live FREELY – without the need to want to possess anyone – I need to release ideas of captivity. I don't know what that looks like - - to truly be ONE with someone and respect that they are ONE without me. See you never ask me where I've been or who I've been with (and that could be because you just aren't interested in me in that way - - or it could be because you are free – and you believe in letting those in your life be free and live freely) so I take that poem as messages for me – to really check myself - - I can't make you into the man I need and want for me. That's really unfair of me.

RD what I do want you to know is that you are worthy of love – you are worthy of a woman who will honor, respect and love you - - a woman who will not steal from you, disrespect you, betray you, belittle you, or want to take your manhood from you. I hope you find a woman who will stand by you and support, nurture and encourage you. I hope the woman for you NEVER attempts to change you. I hope the woman for you will value the greatness that is YOU!

I hope our time together made you feel good - - but I must move on.

I came into your life to give you a little bit of me - - and that will always be yours - - OUR MEMORIES :-) - - for you only. I gave you parts of me with all my love and now I need to move on because I am looking for the love of my life and while you will always mean so many special things to me - - there are things that you cant give me - - so I write this letter not just for you - - but for me - -a final love letter.

I hope the woman you choose to be your life partner is everything you are looking for and deserve…

There is one thing I have wanted to write you about - - and it is your daughter!!!

RD your daughter is very special - - I wish I had met her :-)

If I was your woman - - and you were my man - - I would support you in bringing up a strong woman - - there's a woman in me who's a healer and acts like I am here to save everybody… I can't save anybody… but what I want for you - - is to SEE how your decisions and choices shape your world. And what I want most for you is that you find a woman who is honorable and will be a good example for your daughter. Find that woman who has your back in all areas.

Are you a man your daughter will one day want to marry?

Because WE girls - - pick men who are a lot like our fathers or have certain aspects of our fathers.

You deserve to be happy you deserve good things in your life.

I worry about you - - not just you – but about your relationship with her - - I don't know what kind of dad you are to her - - I imagine you are so much fun and make her laugh and are a big kid with her.

Do you spoil her with gifts?
Do you spend a lot of time with her? Quality time – not rushed?
Do you spend time just listening to her thoughts?
Kids are amazing and incredibly deep.
Does she know how much you love her?
Do you tell her you love her everyday?
Do you show her you love her in your actions?
Do you see her when you say you will see her?
Do you call her when you say you will call her?
Do you go to all the important things that happen for her at school?
Do you know who her best friend is?
Do you know her favorite color?
Do you know her favorite toy?
Do you tell her how special she is?
Do you tell her she was born to do great things?

It's so important to tell a little girl that she is loved - - that she is special – that she is born to do great things - - the more you tell her - -the more she will believe it.

Its SOOOOOO important to tell a little girl how great she is… a girl who is raised knowing she is loved by the ONE man that REALLY matters will never look for a man to try to complete her or make her feel loved. A girl looks for her worth in her father.

YES I am different than the girls you know - -not because I am better than anyone - - because I'm not better - - I am different because I am not afraid to show you who I am - - flaws and all - -I am not afraid to LOVE you and show you that love – if you take anything away from knowing me and spending time with me I hope its how much I love you and how much I have loved loving you… and how much I will always love you - - no matter where I am in my life - - or who I am with. If you ever need a place to run to – you know where to find me.

Be there for her… show up for her as much as you can.

AND REALLY BE THERE FOR HER!

I enclosed a poem a friend wrote to and about his daughter…

My Daughter, by Flaco Navaja

"Her smile is the same smile that comes to my face everytime I hear her say "I love you too Daddy."

Her eyes are my eyes. Only darker and pure. not yet tainted by blunt smoke and tears.

At least I hope not. Shit...she better not be smoking!! She's only ten. I'll whip her ass.

See I went from virgin to father in 6.5 seconds or 3 strokes.

When I got the famous "I'm pregnant." call I thought i'd never have sex again. Well...that went out of the window quickly.

But I'm still struggling to be a daddy to my baby girl.

Don't know if I'll ever be ready for the "sex" talk

Or the..."but I love him Daddy. So what he doesn't have a job, he writes nice poems."

Don't think I'll ever be ready for any of that. But I'll die trying.

There was a time when all the only thing that mattered was where i could find the next mic I could wreck. or how to get the applause i love so much.

Now I just want Brianne to love me. And to be proud of being my Daughter."


Mi amor, Life is short - - I'm not telling you anything you don't know - - I hope that everything that you attract in your life brings you joy. I hope that my presence in your life brought you happiness. I adore you RD te deseo tantas cosas buena….

Cuidate.

Now about ME… because it's always all about me… LOL

What I need - -

I need a man that says to me - -

"I care about you - - I want the best for you"

A man who will read my writing and tell me how wonderful he thinks I am or how bad my writing is…and I will be able to take it because I trust the source.

A man that tells me "I want to support you in all you do - - I am here for you anytime/anyplace"

He'll say to me "I want to know what you're going through Alicia - - because I love you and want nothing but the best for you."

And when I am crying he is there to wipe away the tears and just hold me - - and not because he thinks he can fix it - - but being there for me is all he needs…

I need a man who sees me in a dark moment when I am being a b*&^% or in a bad mood and says to me - - "I am here for you when you are ready to talk - just reach out to me"

And when he says he will CALL me later – HE DOES - - because he is a man of his word.

I don't say these things to make you feel bad (its all good love - - its not who you are right now in your life…you got other stuff going on).

I need a partner who is strong, kind, generous, emotionally available, confident, honest, incredibly loving and passionate, sexually compatible - - knows how to please me and loves to taste me – every inch of me - - he's here for me always and in ALL WAYS - - but he gives me my space when I ask for it - - but he is always PRESENT - - in ALL my/our moments - - he's always there walking at my side even when he can't be at my side - - he's a mirror image of me in many ways.

He's my ride or die – partner for life.

So with ALL THAT said…. I know you know how much I love you… you know I love you so much because you don't even know what to do with me. You might be a little mad at me right now… but I hope not because it's not like we're together like that - - this feels like I'm writing you this break up letter.

I'm not breaking up with you. I am just letting you go in the way I have been imagining us. Please forgive me for not accepting what you are willing to give me. And I forgive myself for going down this road again.

Loving you always,
Alicia Anabel


So to that man and the many who have gone before him - - I release you.

I'm still trying to work out what I want. But I definitely have the WHAT I DON'T WANT DOWN…


Peace~