Thursday, January 31, 2008


I was annoyed this morning. I was asked to read something for someone I work with and give them some feedback on it. I accepted the project, read the piece and returned it with my feedback in addition to offering my contact information in case the person had any questions. I wanted to be HELPFUL and provide some ENCOURAGMENT and SUPPORT to a fellow writer – a nudge forward… help in taking the next step.

This was last week. But it has been ongoing for a few weeks…

So twice this week I was being summoned by the source requiring the feedback that they misplaced my contact information… see the problem I am having isn't that someone needs my help… the problem is when I start feeling harassed, taken advantage, my time being infringed upon. So this morning as I walk in the building (I am about to step foot on the elevator) when a coworker yells to me "Yo Alicia! Wait—the person requiring feedback is looking for you… needs to see you right away - WAIT…" it was too early for this… I was like "NO I can't speak to this person right now I need to get to my desk I will check you later."

This is my side~
That's your side~

Boundaries people!

My special someone was just listening to my rant about this morning's event and then said… "Sometimes you just need to let people KNOW - - look I wanna help you - -but I have my own projects" or be like:

Back off and respect my time.

How do we do this in a nice way?

There was a time in my life where I was never afraid to let someone have it. To let someone know what I really thought and felt about them… it was uncensored, raw and unrated… I didn't care how they took what I was serving… the point was that I would serve what ever was required in the moment. So if you did something I didn't like or something you did piss't me off I would let you know in a minute… my feeling was:

Then there's me today… full of love and peace… (Or so I like to maintain as often as possible but believe me I still get pissed the hell off. And wasn't happy this morning. I'm feeling pulled in many directions - - feeling like my space and time is being violated and not be respected – NOT CONSIDERED… people can be so inconsiderate.

How do we deal with those who have no boundaries?
How do we say NO with out offending, but still asserting our needs?


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Women at War~

Women are complex~ let's face it we are! We are not easy… although we'd like to say and believe that we are (I know that I like to believe that I am NOT CONTROLLING).

We don't always mean what we say. We don't always DO and SAY what we MEAN. We have been known to make things more difficult and complicated than they need to be.

I am thinking about my female relationships. There are women who say that for the most part most of their friends are guys. They can't deal with women. Saying that they believe men to be JUST EASIER to deal with - - "you know what you get when you're with the guys." It is what it is… yeah there are the few that will try and sleep with you but for the most part they're just cool. There's no competition no cattiness, no envy, no jealousy, no gossip. Its just straight talk! They just wanna hang~

Why can't we give it to each other straight?

Then I think about the women in my life who spend a lot of energy and time talking about other women. How other women should live there lives. What they don't like about women. Commenting on how they dress. Sweating the men that date them - - some women are just opinionated about everything. Complaining about how they feel betrayed by women and don't trust them.

I can't say that all my female relationships are rosy… but the ones that are closest to me - - WE know to leave a lot of our crap at the door. But then there are others that I have wanted to scratch their eyes out… (The key word here is I have WANTED to).

SHE fights for power
SHE fights for attention
SHE fights for love
SHE fights for men
SHE fights for confidence
SHE fights for beauty
SHE fights for respect
SHE fights for

Always fighting… but what is this fighting all about?

I had a conversation with a sister/friend last night and she was pretty ticked off at a female friend for not appreciating and honoring the friendship. We hear so often the importance of communication. But I think we hear this only when pertaining to the romantic relationship - - that for a marriage to work communication is key. I would like to think that the same goes for everyone. COMMUNICATION is incredibly important in all our relationships.

Why are some of our female relationships healthy and others poisonous and toxic?

Why are we threatened by other women?
Why are we insecure?
Why are we Jealous?
What are we competing for?
Why aren't women happy for other women who reach a level of success?
What would it take to stop the fighting?
What's our beef?
What would MEN say our problem is?


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I'll know~

We think we know… but we have no idea~

This is what I have told myself time and time again and most recently that I would know when the LOVE I have been waiting for has arrived…that I would recognize the love that was being sent and prepared for me… that I'd know~

We think we know what love will look like when it arrives. We create this idea of how they will be packaged creating check lists of the things - - - of ALL the things / qualities / characteristics / similar beliefs that we want our potential partner to have. And we even have a separate list of the things we will even consider letting just slide…those things that we would overlook for love. Those things that we would settle for just to HAVE LOVE~ share love and give love…

When ever I meet someone that I am considering having a romantic relationship with the issue of having children always comes up. I'm not perfect and certainly have many flaws but starting my life all over with an infant is something that I have resisted for a long time. I think as far back as when my daughter was a baby. I am usually the first person to bring it up and have been known to bring it up on a first date.

The LOVE in my life said to me "maybe we need to find someone who has everything we want even if they don't blow our minds or we're not madly in love with them." That really has settled inside of me. It takes me back to a place where I've heard, "Alicia I think you're wonderful and you have many great qualities and some qualities that are not so great… but I will not accept you as you are because this ONE thing that I want is a non-negotiable."

I talk a lot about ACCEPTANCE – accept me for me… the way I accept you. So if we don't want the same things our partner wants does that mean we don't accept them? Does this mean that they don't accept us?

I'm sad today because I want to share my life with this person and I already know this - - but I am afraid that they can't accept me.

(Actually I added this part after... what about me accepting them... what is my fear really about... there not being enough love for me...) The thought of that pains me…

I am sitting with the idea of accepting a partner in my life – I am absolutely crazy about this new person. I see so many things I'm looking for in a life companion as well as, so many things I never knew I wanted.

This person and I have connected on a mental, spiritual, emotional and intellectual level; we have a similar history, a mutual respect and understanding, an instant bond. It's amazing… I have never felt this~

What am I afraid of?
I felt like I was dying last night~
What are we really looking for?
I am looking for LOVE~

This person in my life is so loving… has an incredible life plan wants a supportive, loving and nurturing family. Why wouldn't I want to share that? What do we fear we will lose? What do I fear I will lose? I have given up so much for love~

I wrote this a few months ago:
I need a partner who is strong, kind, generous, emotionally available, confident, honest, incredibly loving and passionate, sexually compatible - - knows how to please me and loves to taste me – every inch of me - - here for me always and in ALL WAYS - - gives me my space when I ask for it - - but is always PRESENT - - in ALL my/our moments - - they're always there walking at my side even when they can't be at my side - - they're the mirror image of me in many ways.

And I have found this in my partner~

How will they know - - that I am there life partner?
Because you see they too have a dream…
They too have things that they want…
They have things that are important to them - - and if they are willing to give up a portion of there dream… what am I willing to give up?
And if my partner gives up a portion of their dream - - how will they continue the dream with me… will they resent me, be angry, want to punish me or push me away - - will they never forgive me? You see its no longer about my dream - - its about our dream. Adjustments must be made~

We both have important missions. There are things that we must do, were born to do and nothing and no one should stand in our way - - especially when we love someone. Aren't there some things we should make concessions on?

Love has nothing to fear~

If we love someone don't we give them what they want? Do I sacrifice the ME to have the US?
Which are the things that should be compromised on?
When do we decide that maybe the relationship shouldn't proceed any further?


Saturday, January 26, 2008

You didn't say goodbye~

Did I miss something?
Were you trying to tell me something?

You just left
Just like that
You didn't say goodbye
We were partners you and I

I'm sad today
You didn't tell me why
Did I do something to make you mad?

I will miss you dear friend
I'm here
Whenever you wanna talk
Meet me at 113~

Have I hurt you?

You forgot to say goodbye
No note
No call
No text

What happened?
We were in a groove
We were creating together
Literary partners
We hit the words
Heavy, hard and strong

We were moving
Then you merged left
There's a fork in the road
We were learning
Growing together

Maybe this is just where our journey together ends.

If you need me - - you know where to find me at 113~

Courtney's really sad she said you were the smartest woman she ever met - - she loved your mind…she told me she never met anyone like you…her mirror image… a sister to her… you both had a tight connection…she told me that she loved how you would know so much random shit - - a walking Snapple cap.

I've been feeling like maybe you liked me as more than just friends - - but how would I have known... we were playing - - just enjoying each others company… I loved our time together. But then it hit me - - for a long time it was just you and me… you were my partner in crime - - it was you who pushed me… you who supported me - - I enjoyed your company - - we were each others rock… we laughed, we shared, we supported, encouraged, motivated and inspired each other, we respected each others space it was wonderful to not write alone.

Then something happened you stopped coming around. What did I do? I'm starting to realize that maybe your decision has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. So I respected your request to back off - - believing you would come back when you were ready.

Then today I got a message that you terminated our friendship. I am left with the WHY.

Are you mad at me? Is it about me connecting that way with someone else? Does it have to do with the fact that I have found my reflection of love? Did you want me to see this in you? Did you want me to choose you? I may be completely off - - I might be making up my own story I tend to do this on occasion and yes we are indeed writers I am really sorry to see you leave dear friend. I send you blessings on your journey.

Why do we need everything explained to us?
Should we question everything?
Why do we create and make up our own stories/our own version of what's true?
Who does it serve?


Cielo's Box~

This is the story about Cielo and her box~

Cielo is girl with dark eyes and no smile. She came to me the other day and we sat. She just sat there in front me - - I could tell she wanted to play, she wanted to laugh, she wanted to be loved… but she didn't know how to play - - Cielo has been in prison since the day she left the womb.

Her life story was revealed to me with out the use of words because she couldn't speak. She said nothing for the entire time we were together… but her eyes told me everything. She's sad, she's lonely, something is missing, and she has never had a doll.

She's never been asked are you happy?
Never asked - - What is it that you want?
Never asked - - What would make you happy?
Never asked - - What do you want to be when you grow up?
Never asked - - What are your dreams?

Cielo you are beautiful - - if no one has ever told you that…KNOW THAT YOU ARE~ you are magnificent. You can be anything you want. You are special. You are loved. Your eyes are kind~

Don't be sad - - what is it that makes you sad - - are you hurt? The pain you carry I can see it…its found in the blood from your tears. Who has hurt you? I will protect you. Don't cry. You will have all you desire. The pain will eventually go away in time.

What is that on your lap? What's in the box?

She carries a box and holds on to it tight. Cielo is afraid that if he finds out what she carries in that box – he will take it from her.

Is it lonely walking in the world with no one? A girl should never walk alone when she's only in the 4th grade. A lot can happen to a little girl who walks alone. Stripped of your core, your personality hidden, forced to be who you are not.

But why
But why
But why

Why won't they play with me?

She's never been picked for dodge ball, never played hopscotch or jumped rope - - no one to pass notes to - - eating lunch alone.

Why won't he listen to me?

But at least she has her box - - Cielo will go through life gripping her box, never opening it - - she keeps it tucked away until one day - - one day she will break the box and soar.

What's in Cielo's box?
Do you have a box? What's in it?


Friday, January 25, 2008

In the Shadows~

The "I" we show others.

Some of us live in the shadows never really showing who we are.

What do you have to hide?

You show no vulnerabilities
You walk as if you are perfect
You THINK you possess
Complete control

I am torn
I feel like yes
We are made
In the likeness
Then aren't we perfect?

YOU would like
To MAKE me out to be
Your perfect image
Of me

I am conflicted by ONE
Who's easy to figure out
Who has something to hide?

This is the story of the man who wants to believe he loves himself but fears showing who he is to the world. It's difficult to pick up on his cues - - "but you held my hand I've shared my secrets with you", why is it that he doesn't express every single emotion? I think it stung him when I called him arrogant… he wanted to hurt me… but did it really surprise him to hear the truth - - I don't think so - - I believe he has been accused of this before… in fact I am sure he's been called selfish~

What is your truth?

I spoke with a friend yesterday about being vulnerable to people - - I think it's wonderful to find one or some we can share those things that make us hurt, to share our strengths and weaknesses.

The flaw is when you believe yourself not weak at all - -
That you are somehow better than the rest of us - -
That you KNOW ALL…
That you are the END ALL~

It's beautiful when we can find people we can share our private parts with. But for the relationship to work - - it musts work both ways. The people we choose to grow with must be vulnerable also… your VULNERABILITIES for me translate into truth. If I share something personal with you and you never share anything personal with me then the relationship is ONE WAY/one sided - - this is very telling about a person - -it tells me a lot about how they show up in the world… YOU'RE A SHADOW IN MY EYES…as you walk with me. It shows me that they are a person who likes to receive but doesn't give. This to me is not honorable. And in relationships we SHOULD share… I don't give all of me… and you none of you~

She was vulnerable to you…
She's confused.
She believes in you
You make her question her
Unsure she knows who you are

I told her there is nothing to be confused about - - when one is comfortable with themselves they don't fear being who THEY ARE - - and they don't fear showing YOU who THEY ARE… it's when YOU hide behind the disguises of your words… I feel that when people have issues disclosing things its because they have something to hide or something they haven't dealt with - - either way they are hiding from themselves - - REMIX - - they are fooling themselves… being VULNERABLE is about being open… when you honor you then that's the best kind of love~

To my beautiful friend don't allow another to confuse you or make you question you… if I share intimacies with you and you don't return the favor (for me trust returns the favor with trust) to me this is very revealing - - what does it tell me… when one feels they TRUST someone its usually reciprocated automatically (someone I love showed me just how much they trusted me this weekend).

When you are vulnerable there are no walls – well maybe we keep some up until we are completely comfortable - - but you know where you stand – you don't question me because I give you no reason to. If I have a wall up and share that with you I am showing you that I trust you with the truth about where I am at and who I truly AM….

One sided relationships NEVER work… it will be lonely. We must be careful of who we choose to be in our lives. Are they here to deplete us? If I give and you take…that is not LOVE!

She Hangs on your every word - -
You want her power
And the power over others- - -
She is magnificent
You make her question
HER truth

She thinks…
Maybe I should take his truth
THE truth

I walk in truth
This is what my namesake means

So I see the truth
I see YOU

Even when my truth hurts
Even when my truth is me lying to me
Even when my truth is ugly
Even when my truth is raw
Even when my truth is love
Even when my truth is pain
Even when my truth is dark
Even when my truth is a curse word that comforts me


Why are we confused about people who show us who they are…even when they show us NOTHING? Believe THEM - - they are in fact showing us who they are - - BELIEVE IT… to my friend when you find yourself in the middle of questioning you - -TRUST IT - - trust what you feel - - trust that your body smells a lie (you asked me - - what do I think his words lack) my response is TRUTH… you my beautiful friend know the truth… when something doesn't jive - - this is when we must trust ourselves.

There's no coincidence
I too have been deceived
By HIS words
But MY words are stronger

It's about being authentic

He knows his game
He has NO game
He's a fraud

The young one
Must wake
To what's before her…
She's innocent
Believes in that YOUNG LOVE

He ain't slick
Who do you think you are?
Don't waste my time
The regal one
Needs to wake up to your game - -

Fake ass delirious love - -
It's a fraud
China doll - -
He wants to control you
You're porcelain - -
Easy to MAKE into
What he desires

I call him self deception

"What we call LOVE - - someone who needs ME, someone who cares about ME—isn't love; its selfishness. How can that work? Selfishness doesn't work because there is no love there" from the Mastery of Love

You asked me what I saw as his flaw…it's his SELFISHNESS - - it's what I pick up as his untruth. And that my dear is NOT love~ not the love I know and believe in~

If you believe what I believe
I love you if…
You never
Question me…
Take all I say
All I offer
As absolute
Never have ideas of your own

Hang on to his
Every word
Worship him
Praise him
Pray my prayers in your name

Desperation will do anything for your love
That is not LOVE

Will say anything
Believe anything
Be anything
Whatever you wish me to be

But who are you?

Stop pretending to be who you are not
You said
I like my independence
I have goals
Plus I am making similar connections with at least three different women


And the young one
Will succumb
You're a shadow
Not really there
She's adaptable
Like clay
Mold her
She's in a cage
And you'll never let her fly

She's young
Hasn't lived
Doesn't really see you
For who you are
She'll buy into your pretty words
Backed with NO action

I don't feel sorry for her
I admire her
She believes
She believes in love
She believes in you
Something you don't even do

She has more than what you bring
You're aren't worthy of her~
You are what lurks in the shadows

Do you share your vulnerabilities?
Who are you?
When you're not being you who are you?


I offer this blog to my Luis Diaz Sr. who was the epitome of TRUTH and TRUST~
I miss you Lou~ Te adoro… thanks for flying with me~

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Love me or LEAVE me~

"Love is not concepts; love is action. Love in action can only produce happiness. Fear in action can only produce suffering." from the Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

Are relationships really as complicated and as complex as we make them out to be?

I feel like that old quote holds such truth… it truly is as simple as "treating others the way you would like to be treated." I think for me in considering people to walk with - - RESPECT for my person is incredibly important. Then it would be ACCEPTANCE – take me as I am. Step to me in FAITH. Come in PEACE. Speak in LOVE. I don't think that I am that complicated or difficult to deal with (alright maybe that's not completely true). I believe my requests are simple… treat me the way I treat you. Love me or leave me~

So I was hurt by someone I care about (THE POET), the poet said some things that hurt me which had nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own personal history - - but it did affect me.

Leave your baggage at the door!

We all have our crap! None of us is perfect. We are all works in progress.

This relationship thing can be quite the journey with high and low points. Last night was one of those low points during my conversation with the poet. It's an interesting thing what men and women do. I know so many women who USE all kinds of men to get back at a man from their past. Whether it is women using men for financial gain, for attention, for sex, for a meal (ladies don't front). And then men who have been betrayed by women with adultery, deception, lies, ruined credit… sometimes men and women take out their past on the new folks who come along.

I decided a long time ago… that I was NO LONGER going to do this to potential suitors. I decided that I wanted to give every new relationship the benefit of doubt… allowing them to come as they are, credit reports and references not necessary… and that I would accept them for who they are and see where it leads.

So with the poet I've done just that - - I'm staying open. Coming as I am. Sharing all of me… but something was missing. TRUST seemed to be one sided. And this trust issue is really fear based. I began to feel like I was being put into a familiar category (a category created by the poet) - - I was put in this little box where potential suitors are placed with the past. It's easy to group people together when we allow fear to guide us - - it's easy to look for things to push the potential NEW away. Especially when we measure the new with the old. That's the quickest recipe for disaster. Because we never really give the NEW a chance - - it's DOA!

So I decided today that I can't worry about the poets past and that I wouldn't take it personal (because I did take it personal) I realize that it had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME… and its none of my business. I am only responsible for my half…, I will worry about my half and they can worry about their half…and we'll meet somewhere in the middle.

I'm NO punching bag~

I don't do rollercoaster's
They make me wanna throw up
I refuse
To pay
For your past…

I'm not your ex
I'm new
I'm ME…
NO comparison please

Makes you walk
From love
LOVE fears nothing

To test love
And wait
Face fear
In her eyes

You are loved~

We'll know
During our
20th, 30th, 50th anniversary

"Life is too short"
Does not mean
Full steam ahead…

Live fully,
Walk slowly,
Love deeply
Watch the flowers grow
Feed off the moments.

Just because you've arrived
Doesn't mean my dream changes
Be here to add
Not take away.

Love doesn't walk
It takes fear by the hand
You're worthy
Love has arrived
Be happy

When the ME is threatened
For the goal of an US…
It never works
Love and fear
At war~
Love always wins

I have no doubt…,
Accept who I am
Believe and know
I'm nobodies punching bag~

We must surrender - - give up the fear thoughts – give up control of a situation - - we must stay open - - and in doing this we allow ourselves to be open for the magic to happen

If what you want is love how far are you willing to go - - to get it?

Is trust difficult?


Friday, January 18, 2008

Does VOICE matter?

I was thinking about the people we meet. Scratch that - - I was thinking about the people we meet that we want to pursue or be pursued by. I met someone that I am getting to know~ YES I know that everyone can tell that I'm going through some changes right now… and its NOYB…

My writing has never been better or more fun

Let's focus on one thing at a time. THE VOICE…

I was thinking about the kinds of people I have gotten involved with and I jumped to - - CAN I IMAGINE SPENDING MY LIFE WITH THIS PERSON AND WAKING UP TO THEIR VOICE EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???

Would you sing to me?
Would you whisper secrets to me in the middle of the night?

To me a voice is very important… it reveals to me if someone is shy or outgoing. Whether a person is passionate or NOT at all… full of life or miserable…is the person authentic or a con… I won't discount you as a person but if your voice makes me wanna wear ear plugs that may not work for me~

The Sound of Your Voice~
Your voice tells me many things~
There's a gentleness and calm
It reveals
The way you love
The softness in your tone
Its willingness
To please

Your voice is
A song

I can hear
How deeply
You would love me
If I let you
I feel it

Your voice reveals
Truth and intent
Your breath is my inhale
A romance

We were on a date last night

But you didn't kiss me
I still felt it
It was soft - - just a tap
I'm left wanting
To know

I'm under
A welcomed spell
Your voice~

How important is someone's voice to you - - in determining whether they are someone you want to wake up with? Does voice matter?


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dangling by a string~

You have me by a string~
The connection made with many~
Rarely committing to ONE~

Dangling by a string~
You won't let me in~
Sitting outside now~
With no clothes on~
It's cold~

Patience is a virtue~
It's not just about you~
We are two~
The me ~
And ~
The you~

Bloo said it best…

Your eyes speak of self indulgence
So subtle
A compliment
Your lyrical words
A hook covered in satin

Have you declared your intentions?

Dangling by a string~
Lets take this slow~
Who's got the control?

The love triangle

Of those things…
Moldable does not fit me…

She'll hang on every word - -
Holding tight to that string~

I don't like crumb cake~

Our slow motion picture~
Has those pesky white squiggly lines~
That you just want to kick in the rear of the set~
To get the lines straight
Have you tapped all my sides YET?

The string is in the air
Do you see it moving in the wind?

Do you really need to be needed?

My harmony IS

Do you need me to need you?

A story behind your eyes
Your name is veneer
It has been written that it's fake
The player was his take

But you
You wear your heart
For the world to see
You're not afraid of me
You've baked me 10 cakes
All without crumbs~

My quilt
A new favorite sweater...
No strings~

Leave your lies at the door~

How can we expect honesty from those who are dishonest?


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Seduction~

YOU took me~
YOU had your way with me~
Whispering succulence into my ear…
YOU did things…
You made me want to…
By the water and WAIT
For the sun to set~

I'm left with my thoughts…

Your greatest conquest and obsession ~
I the accused intruder~
Wanting to be the girl in the dream~
But I'm no dream come true~
A part of me still fears you…

You're seducing me~
With your words~
Luring me~
Taking me~
Pleasing me~
And I succumb~

If I allowed you
to have me
in that way…
Then what?
Am I yours?
SEE… me…
I don't give it up to anyone just like that~

YES – do tell me what I wanna hear~
The words…you know I LOVE WORDS~
My feet are firmly planted~
But your words~
The words…
Entrance… arouse…
Rise in me…
This sense of uncertainty~

Questioning la verdad~
Quien eres tu?
Passion – that's what I'll call you~
What do you want from me?

Whisper those sweet nothings
Take from me those things that make me…

The words make me want to open myself up
That's it right there…
My soul~

Like I said I don't know you~
But I know words~
LOVE will know…
How to win my heart~
The right words~

But those words alone~
Can't sustain me~
They'll never obtain me~
The pleasure I seek is deeper than a hands touch…
There's a spot~
That spot…where few know how to receive me~
Reserved for ONE~


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Get out of my head~ I don’t know you~

This was NOT my post for today~ but I must honor what MUST be released~

Get out of my head~ I don't know you~

You have my attention~
I don't know you~
I'm flirting with you~
I don't know you~
I like the attention~
I don't know you~
We're connected~
I don't know you~
I feel something~
I don't know you~
Am I playing with fire~
I don't know you~
You scare me~
I don't know you~
You're luring me in~
I don't know you~
I don't know you~
I am such a sucker for words~
But I STILL… Don't know YOU~


Monday, January 14, 2008


"Most of us remain strangers to ourselves, hiding who we are, and ask other strangers, hiding who they are, to love us."
– Leo Buscaglia

The words we have been dying to hear:

I never get tired of talking about love~

Why is it that people don't like public displays of affection?

Why do we get annoyed when we see the teen couple making out on the street? Do we even consider that maybe it's because they have no where else to go - - since they can't go HOME because the grownups are there. Why do we care that they are showing LOVE to one another?

What does that REAL LOVE feel like?

Being in love is~

Cant' eat
Can't sleep
All the senses heightened

It's ALL you can ever think about
It's ALL you WANT to think about

LOVE is the first person we think about when we wake up
And the last thought before we sleep

It's the days filled with text messages - - or back in the day… upside down beeper messages with 50538 ALL DAY EVERYDAY – those messages that let you know I'm thinking about you - - I miss you… wasn't there a code for I love you… I can't remember J

The state of being in love can be ALL consuming~

It feels
It feels
It feels



Its butterflies in my stomach~
It's a love that is all I can think about~
It's a love that makes me stop living~
It's a love that makes crazy with passion~
It's a love that makes me drop all my projects to fantasize about US~
It's the kinda love that makes me put YOU first~
It's the kinda love that WHAT - - makes ME put me second - - I don't think so…

NOT TODAY! That's not the kinda of IN LOVE I want to be in.

There is nothing (LOVE) can be compared to it's the best feeling state~ I LOVE THE IDEA OF LOVE~

It's better than any high
It's better than any sweets
It's better than any emotion I have ever experienced (well there's one that's a close second) and NO you probably can't guess it.

BUT LOVE… LOVE … oh how I love being one with LOVE~

Its that ageless love… that's that REAL LOVE… it's the older couple I see dancing in central park smiling at one another - - and me just sitting there in awe of them wondering just how long they have been living their love story.

In a section I read called: "Lasting Love Is Not a Test Of Endurance"

"When we are able to appreciate ALL THE THINGS which brought us TOGHETHER, and deepen that appreciation over the years, we stay together. Such a relationship is one of life's great success stories. That's the good news. The bad news for some people is that SUCCESS requires effort. Healthy bonds NEED maintenance if they are to remain healthy; obstacles must be overcome or taken in stride. WE MUST take into consideration the pretenses and defenses that threaten LOVE. For our part, we should WELCOME THE MYSTERY, enthusiasm and CHALLENGE which will make us lovers for a lifetime."

I love that line… welcome the mystery… I AM A MYSTERY…IN LOVE we often move too fast… we want love sooooo quick… patience is very necessary… and this kind of love (that GOOD LOVE) requires time…this is the kind of love I want and NEED – this is the LOVE THAT LASTS.

Isn't it amazing that when we ARE IN THAT KIND OF LOVE that "IN LOVE" feeling - - what we FEEL and how we SEE the world and everyone around us seems to be through clear eyes and a completely open heart FREE OF FEARS – free of cares… when we are in this state… the state of being IN LOVE there is NOTHING BETTA – no one else matters – nothing else exists~



I sit with those words ALICIA NEEDS TO BE IN LOVE… and I can't help but remember the MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY moments of LOVE I have experienced in my life. I don't know very many people who have had the kinda love I HAVE HAD~ and I have LOVED LOVED LOVED every moment of being IN LOVE, having love, sharing love and giving my love and I am looking forward to giving it again~

Me needing to be in love… I don't NEED to be in love… I look forward to being in love with the ONE being prepared for me. I want to feel the levels of love that extend further than the initial feeling of falling for the first time… I want it to last longer than even the highest sense of being in love~ to extend further and further than ANYTHING I CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE~ the object of MY affection in my eyes will be PURE PERFECTION~ the kind of IN LOVE I am talking about has no definition… HAS NO WORDS~ but it IS DEEP and it is COMING~

I need a man who doesn't tell me what I NEED - - he simply gives it me… because that is how HE LOVES ME~


What I want is that WE~

From the section: When LOVE is postponed for another day~

"Some things should never be put off. A child who comes running to us for a hug or lavish exclamations of praise NEEDS it now, not at our convenience. A friend who requires a shoulder to cry on can't wait for a more opportune time. A lover who needs reassurance shouldn't be put off for any reason. LOVE is a commitment that assures we will be there when needed. The feeling that there might be a more convenient time to love has caused many people a lifetime of regret. There can be no atonement for moments when our LOVE was necessary and we left them unfulfilled."

One who lets slip by the opportunity to serve another misses one of the richest experiences life has to offer. – Pali Text

If you LOVE SOMEONE let them know~ don't wait…

There will be the MOMENT WHEN I KNOW THAT I AM IN-LOVE… because there will never EVER be that sense of falling out… it will be about falling DEEPER, growing further, learning together, lasting longer, and growing stronger~

So to LOVE I respond you are right about me needing to be IN LOVE but not in the way YOU think… I NEED to share my LOVE… and I AM IN LOVE~ I AM LOVE~

In the section: Love is nourished by optimism~

"Love doesn't insist upon perfection, and neither should we. Love thrives in a positive view of self, life and our world. When we keep our focus upon constructive images that enrich relationships, we are less limited by our past and more encouraged but the present. Experience shows that we tend to actualize dreams if we truly want them to happen. Lovers learn not to just hope for the better, they strive to make it happen."

How will I know that I have found THE ONE?

I will KNOW that I have found TRUE LOVE when I wake with you every day for the rest of my days…

And I read: Never Tire of Saying I LOVE YOU~ this part I love…

"We should never tire of expressing love, for certainly we never tire of hearing it expressed. Strange how simple it is for us to use these words with inanimate objects. We feel safe in loving our car, a new coat… but we have grave difficulties verbalizing our love for other human beings, even those closest to us. The message, "I love you," is not something that goes without saying. To the contrary, it NEEDS to be said whenever and wherever love is present."

There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. Mother Theresa

When I am IN LOVE - - the one for me will never tire of telling me he loves me - - he isn't saying it because I NEED to hear it constantly - - he tells me he loves me because he loves to say it and NEEDS to say it…

Quotes are from Born for love, Reflections on LOVING, by Leo Buscaglia

Have you ever fallen in love?
Do you know what this feels like?
Do we get annoyed when we see happy couples hugging on the train platform?


Sunday, January 13, 2008

Talk to me~

How do we hold onto our peace?
How do we release the noise?
How do we let go of the chaos that surrounds us?
How do we keep our cool?
How do we get quiet?
How do we talk about what bothers us?

Yesterday morning's yoga session was incredibly challenging. The distractions during meditation and yoga started my morning on a really negative note. I was in a BAD way! I already woke up carrying some stuff from a phone conversation that disturbed me and left me feeling dark inside. But I really wanted to let it go… I didn't want to carry it into my day. I certainly didn't want it to ruin my weekend - - especially since I had great plans.

How do I release it? Why was my yoga session so difficult?

Without mentioning any names someone I live with woke up at some insanely early hour to start organizing and shuffling paper work - - ripping up stuff, walking by me while I was on the floor… pushing papers into the trash can… there was no quiet… In that moment I was agitated… irritated… uncomfortable couldn't find my center… my peace was slipping from my fingers… there was a lot of movement around me - - a lot of noise… and instead of focusing inwards and blocking out the sound I allowed it over power me…I put on my headphones and was listening to a cd called Sounds of Peace…but the only sounds I was hearing was fury…

I was having difficulty holding my poses – - I lost all concentration - - my mind was preoccupied with words, thoughts, conversations, people, all the errands and the object of my agitation and annoyance…there was a moment I stopped during one of my stretches and started crying because I couldn't get to my place – I couldn't get quiet, I couldn't find my peace - - I didn't feel safe in my own space – I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THAT… I felt off balance like the energy in my home was off…and I didn't know how to COMMUNICATE what I was feeling…I wasn't sure if it was the person moving around me or everything I had on my mind…on top of that her movement was making me anxious and I felt it in my chest… whatever energy the yoga interrupter was carrying was being transferred onto me as well as all the weight I was carrying.

I was on the phone with a very SPECIAL SOMEONE in my life who I'll call HARMONY…I mentioned that I was feeling really off and not in a good place and that I didn't want to talk about it. I am not sure if Harmony has gotten used to the fact that when I am going through something I normally don't want to discuss it right away… but Harmony TRIES to respect my wishes and NOT push… I asked if we would chat about it later… and the only words Harmony said to me was - - WEST SIDE STORY… those three simple words changed my mood instantly –I started laughing – it was that easy to shift a negative emotion into a positive state of being.

Harmony knows that this is my ALL TIME favorite musical and movie… and while Harmony couldn't help me fix the problem Harmony did know exactly what to say to bring a smile to my face…our brief communication was just what I needed to bring me back…

How do we communicate what we need effectively without it being perceived as an unwillingness to share?
What if what we are going through has nothing to do with the person who wants to try and help us get through it?
How do we communicate our needs?
How do we communicate PERIOD?
How do we have a relationship with ANYONE without good communication?

I have been thinking about my relationship with Harmony and how we communicate for the most part it's really good we are able to talk about all kinds of things. But there are also some things that both Harmony and I don't talk about. There are things that haven't been shared by both parties. There are things about me that Harmony doesn't understand. There are things about Harmony that I don't know. But my feeling is that if I am going through something if it deals directly with Harmony then yes WE should deal with it - - but if its MY stuff I just need some time – some patience. And all else will be revealed.

There's the me~
There's the you~
There's the WE~

In ALL our associations we come as individuals… we bring our own special something to the mix… my special something seems to be that I shut down and run… well not run… I halt, pause, get quiet and retreat. What I tend to do is commune with myself before reaching out to anyone. YES communication is incredibly important - - but there is a TIME and a PLACE and very specific people we should turn to.

There's a time to commune with a higher source, a time to commune with a good friend, a time to commune with our life companion, a time to commune with ourselves.

The thing is - - those in our lives want to be there for us… they want to try and help us work through our problems… they want to offer suggestions and solutions to aid us in getting out of the darkness sooner. THEY WANT TO BE HERE FOR US… And they are blessings in our lives.

But for ME there is a moment when I must travel alone. It's very personal for me - - its very important for me to connect to a higher place internally and while those in our lives have wonderful intentions - - for me when I need to commune - - I need to do so privately.

Allow me to come to you.

What I have been trying to provide for myself is a foundation – a solid foundation of healthy communication? I am practicing a new way of communicating where I can come and speak in LOVE.

The other thought I had was that I find it interesting to hear someone say "let be here for you I want to take care of you." And then when we reach out and take them on that offer there's a sense that they now think we are needy… I guess I had to get to a place where I needed to work out my stuff on my own so I wouldn't be accused of taking advantage of people in my life or being called a needy woman.

At the same time I recognize that I have to be open and WILLING to COMMUNICATE… while my foundation is solid it's important to walk this walk with the people we love. Communing allows me to move through my life and confront all my experiences in a more open way - - in a more understanding way and I certainly don't want to do it ALL on my own. However, there's always some inner work I have to do alone before I can become a WE~

But I definitely want you to TALK TO ME~

How do we protect ourselves from negative people?
How do we protect our space?
How do you communicate?


Friday, January 11, 2008

I Won’t Dance~

I've opened the door and invited you in…but you forgot to close the door behind you and I feel this chill in the air – it's a cold breeze.

I shared this story with someone the other night:

When we hung up I just laid in my bed for a while before going to sleep. My daughter was in the shower so I had some quiet time with my thoughts. I noticed that I had something in my hand as I was going to sleep. It was a pen… I found that interesting that I was gripping a pen… when I noticed the pen I wrote something on my hand "inner circle." Daughter got out of the shower and got in bed with me. I slept with the pen under my pillow.

The significance of the pen…the pen for me symbolizes truth, trust, faith, acceptance…it's my tool, it's my weapon, it's my armor - - IT IS ME - - it protects and defends my words, it consoles me when I am hurting, it helps me to find the answers to the questions that plague me - - the pen gives me strength - - the pen is how I share my love - - the pen is how I serve others…which is a big reason why I don't feel alone…as long as I have my pen I am never alone. The pen is the vessel for my greatest gift~

I shared with someone some very intimate things about me and what makes me – ME. I was vulnerable, OPEN, letting my guard down… I invited this person into my home.

I was thinking about me and my partner – THE PEN~

I completely TRUST the PEN~

I am thinking about trust and where we place our trust. Do we trust our co-workers, colleagues, lovers, family, friends and peers with our personal life story? Do we trust blindly and give our trust to just anybody? Do we tell our deepest darkest secrets to strangers that we just meet on the street? How long does it take for trust to be established? Is it automatic with everyone or do we just share our REAL selves with a select few that we really trust to be the witnesses to our lives?

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a friend/colleague. We were discussing dating and the male/female relationship. I shared with her that I felt exposed in a letter I wrote. I have been giving so much of myself lately and feel a little naked. I shared how completely drained I felt after the letter series. How I was so tired and emotionally exhausted. How for just a moment I told someone that I had given so much… it would be nice to have someone taking care of me.

I shared with her that I think in telling that someone that I was feeling that way they might have taken it to mean that I am looking for someone to take care of me. LETS NOT GET CRAZY… it was a moment… I was sharing a MOMENT. I was allowing myself to feel what I was feeling in THAT moment. I told her that I had written someone a letter and that it went unnoticed, unacknowledged, and unspoken… I got no response…

Her analogy was wow – you must really feel like your standing in Times Square with no clothes on… and I just laughed…

She threw another analogy my way. She said its like a couple dancing - - lets say the tango… and you're so into it… the music is good - - the movement is on point… your going in for the dip and he drops you…

Yeah… that was how I felt yesterday. I won't dance~


I read today that:

"Trusting IN someone usually means that there is something they have that you believe you need, or something you have that you believe they can take away to cause you harm. Placing your reliance on words or promised action." Iyanla Vanzant

"When you TRUST someone, you see them in the highest light possible, knowing that no matter what they do, it does not change who they are at the core of their being. Nor can anything happen to change who you are at your core." Iyanla Vanzant

On several occasions I have been told that I seem to be a very SENSITIVE person. I would agree with that fully. Things affect me. I allow myself to FEEL things. I do not just sweep my feeling under the rug. I take myself through everything I feel and often I write out exactly what I am feeling in the moment that I am feeling it. I may not discuss it with the players who are involved immediately but I allow myself to feel what I am feeling first. I don't put it into words in verbal communication instantly I like to write about it - - it's just something I do.

In my writers group we were doing a free write and I asked the writers to try and practice something during the exercise… I asked them to just flow - - to just trust the pen - - to go with it… to keep writing - - they were not allowed to put the pen down at all. But if a thought came to them while they were in writers mode - -I asked them to honor that feeling or thought that came into their minds… I told them to write it in the margin and come back to it later… and keep going. It's important to get it down on the page because we think we will remember the thought or the words later but we never do.

A writer wrote me, "Do you remember all those details or do you right them down somewhere and refer to them later? Because that's a great little skill to have as a writer. The fact that you were able to document your own personal story arc at that moment is unbelievable."

This is my sensitivity at work… it's who I am. I allow myself to feel the emotions that I felt lets say ten years ago. I go back to the place – to the moment in time. I have to feel things on a very deep level and when writing about them - - the experience gets re-lived… for me it's the only way it becomes truth to me… I can't just write words I have to feel them. I allow myself to trust the process. Which is why after the letter series I was and am STILL feeling really exhausted, and completely spent - - I definitely need some pampering and TLC.

Me being sensitive for me means that I TRUST what it is I am feeling… I write notes and even my feeling state as I hear a particular line that moves me in whatever way that it does! I call it my body SHIFT…I like to take myself back to those moments. This is what writer's call trusting and listening to our inner voice or what is called our intuition.

Do I have trust issues? How do I trust people?

Yes I have had trust issues… but for the most part YES I do trust people. I trust all kinds of people - - I may not tell everyone everything about me the moment they meet me - - but I trust them. I guess for me it all boils down to the trust I place in peoples WORDS - - and I pay attention to how they back up those words… I rely on what my heart tells me is the TRUTH.

I put my TRUST in the actions you do or do not take!

Do you trust everyone?
How do you know when to trust?
How do you know when someone is trust worthy?
How do you when you REALLY trust a person?
Are there certain things you tell certain people?
Would you share yourself with friends the way you would share yourself with a significant other?
How do you measure the amount of trust you give certain people? Is it complete trust…just a little…how does that work?

For me - - it's not necessarily about trusting others - - it's about trusting me. I am grateful that I TRUST in all that is good - - it is the only sustenance I will ever NEED.


Saturday, January 5, 2008

Making the cut~

This is not today’s blog… just today’s thought before I do yoga…

The inner circle~
The people we keep in our inner circle~
The many different circles we run with~
How do we decide who sits in our inner circle~

I had a conversation with 4 women who I will call PURE LOVE~

pure love

See these women don’t even know me but I feel deep connections with them~
They love me sight unseen~
They love me flaws and all~
They want nothing from me but what I am willing to share~

We discussed how we pick our inner circle~

And in this way we all have pretty amazing thoughts on the matter~

But with our differing thoughts it all came down to ONE thing as the deciding factor~

Do you come in LOVE~

I guess this morning I woke up feeling that I am less concerned with having an EXCLUSIVE inner circle with only the SELECT few who make the cut like those people I have known my entire life who are automatically IN because we share a bloodline~

I have met people recently that I love deeply~
I love them for who they are~

While I do have a small circle of people I go to FIRST~
I am more inclined these days to have a circle of LOVE~
And if you come with that intention~
Then ALL are welcome~


To the four women~
Thank you for the LOVE you share with me~


Friday, January 4, 2008

Security Blanket~

Someone I love died last night. I am incredibly sad and scared. What will I do now without my dear friend?

My friend you have been with me since the day I was born~
You protected me from harms way so many times~
And now I have to learn to live without you~
I am devastated that have left me~
How could you leave me?
It’s too soon~
You were too young~
You’ve been here for me through thick and thin~

It is extremely sad to see you go~

You the life of the party…remember the time we were out drinking and I was throwing up on the side of road - - it was you who was holding my hand, you who was holding my hair as that guy walked by and shouted… “Girl, you ain’t got that Janet Jackson control!”

You were the one constant in my life~
You were the one I could rely on~
You were the one who never failed me~
You were the one who never disappointed me~
You were the one who had my back - - ride or die~
I never thought you would leave me~

But you have left me~ you’re gone~

You who were so very tough, larger than life, loud, aggressive, would tell a person to go “F” themselves in a minute~

We sure have had some good times~
We had so many favorite movies~
We had so many favorite songs~
We’ve shared incredible memories~
And how you could make me laugh at the silliest things~

When those girls jumped me and had my hair wrapped around that pole you and my brother were there~
When men broke my heart you were there~
When women broke my heart you were there~
When I was hurting you made me smile and you were always there~
When I was hit you healed my wounds and you were there~
When I cried you wiped away my tears and you were there~
For every happy moment you were there~
For every sad moment you were there~
For everything you were there~
In my most scary moments you were there~
During the worst of my “learned errors” you were there~
When life seemed difficult you were there~
When I didn’t believe in me you were there~
When my 4th grade teacher made fun of me you were there~
When I was lonely you were there~
When I was scared you were there~
When I was in pain you were there~

You were always there~

A part of me wants to hold onto you but I know I can’t~
I must let you go~
You will always be apart of me I will never forget you~
I thank you for all you have brought me – goodbye dear friend – may you rest in peace~

How do we hold on to something that has left us?
How do we deal with losing someone we love - - someone who made us feel safe?

Old friends are hard to lose~


Thursday, January 3, 2008

It’s all about WHO you know~

It’s all about WHO you know~

In my twenties I met this fabulous woman (I’ll call her Lovely~) for me it was an instant connection… she’s confidant, lives richly, intelligent, a great cook, a beautiful spirit, a good mother and great friend and she was some years older than me with wisdom to pass down. We were at the very beginning of our relationship just getting to know each other and in the first 30 minutes of me being in her home I had shared my entire life story.

Lovely interrupted me and was like; “Can I tell you something? You don’t know me from Adam. You shared all this stuff about your life and your past and you don’t even know me. You don’t know how I will use the information you shared. You can’t just EVERYONE with all your business. You can’t trust just ANYBODY with your stuff. You shouldn’t give or tell everyone your personal story because you don’t know what they will do with YOUR information.”

I sat there a little sad I must admit… I thought we were friends. I felt comfortable with Lovely. I didn’t feel threatened by her in the least bit. I was sharing a little bit about me so she could get to know the REAL me better (OK A WHOLE LOT ABOUT ME…IN 2.5 SECONDS) but I didn’t see anything wrong with what I was sharing. And I kind of felt bad - - like I had done something wrong.

On the phone last night with a friend (I’ll call him My Companion) he and I were discussing connecting with people. The importance of making connections - - I am trying to remember what he said - - and how he phrased it… it was an analogy about creating art… writing, painting, music, theatre… and while creating our art is wonderful it’s truly more about HOW we connect with another person that is truly where CREATION lives.

The night before last night I met a man who’s just looking for a bit of (Understanding & Acceptance) who is going through a tough time in his marriage. A man who is just looking for some understanding and acceptance from the woman he loves. He shared much about his life - - and I couldn’t imagine shutting myself down from listening to his story… it was important for me to not only connect with him but understand and accept him for who he is and where he came from.

And then last week I met (Bernardo)… here’s what I wrote about that experience:

I am at Bliss and feel full of bliss. 

Bernardo was my massage therapist.

The experience and what it felt like was a deep connection. I learned that he worked in the finance business and that after being there for some time he decided that he needed a change telling me that, “there’s more to life than money”. He was no longer fulfilled. He was working in an industry that did not bring him joy and peace. He shared that he’s been giving massages for two years and loves it. Where else can you find a job where you CONNECT with another human being on a personal level? Where else can you have a conversation with NO WORDS? He told me that my body told him so much about me – that my body was telling him a story. He told me he loved what he does and how happy he was that he can take his job everywhere and anywhere. He shared that giving massages was like a meditation for him. That he loved that he could give something to someone else - - where before he was just taking.

When he was done sharing his thoughts and experiences with me it was my turn to share. I told him I was a writer and I asked him: what it was that he learned about me - - he told me that I carry a lot in my upper body… that there are MANY THOUGHTS all at once. He said that I carry a lot in my back, spine and shoulders. I asked him what it was he learned about himself from our time together. And unfortunately I never got the answer to my question because we were out of time.

What I would have shared with Bernardo about my time with him is how grateful I felt to have connected with him - - and how important I feel it is to connect with another human being. I would have told him that I loved that he called his job a meditation (I never heard him use the word job to describe what he does). I would have told him that I could tell he was joy filled and not because he was a man touching my body or seeing parts of me without clothes on. I would have told him that while I gained so much from him I know that he gained something from me as well. I would have expressed what I was feeling…that we were both afforded and blessed with the opportunity to get to know someone on a different level. It had nothing to do with the service I paid for but how we served one another. He was truly a gift to me…it was much better than the massage. I met a person who truly loves life and loves what he does for NO other reason than sharing love with a perfect stranger.

What I learned about me is that connecting to others is incredibly important. What I learned from Bernardo is that trust can be found in stillness. What I learned from Lovely is that not everyone will have the best of intentions. What I learned from my Companion is that time reveals all things but for today ALL IS GOOD. What I learned from Understanding and Acceptance is that connections work both ways… all parties need to feel comfortable, trusting, and open to one another’s experience. And what I have learned from everyone I have come in contact with whether you are in my inner or outer circle is that I love you all for what you bring me.

What I know to be true about me then and now… I think there was a time in my life where I would mold myself for what the connection CALLED for or NEEDED or was REQUIRED in the particular moment. When I was around my people there is a certain comfort level in speech that’s appropriate to that sector. When I am with my family we speak in Spanish or Spanglish and in very high/loud pitches. When I am with the writers from my writers group - - we are writers and that’s what we discuss. When I am with my best friend it’s a combination of all the different varieties of me… I like to make people feel comfortable and CONNECT with them in the way I feel the method calls is appropriate for that moment AND I LOVE ALL THE MANY FLAVORS THAT I COME IN… in the end what’s important is that a connection be made.

Connections are gifts - - it truly is about giving and sharing.

How do you pick and choose the people who will be in your circle?
Do you have guidelines for who does or doesn’t make it onto your VIP list?


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Taking the bait~

Are you my judge?

What would you have me write today?

When people come into our lives and that we believe are coming to take what’s ours even with the best of intentions…where do we go? What do we do with that?

The other day I was in a fantastic mood - - every thing was wonderful - - and then I received an email from someone I know. This email I took in a very negative way and I responded to the person in a very negative way.

bear catching fish

This is how it happens… everything in our lives could be going wonderfully and BAM…


Something unexpected happens to test where you are at - - to see what you have learned and what skills you’ve picked up on the journey.

What do we do when something unexpected, unsolicited, unnecessary and uninvited occurs?

Where do I go with the words I was served?

Do I sink or swim?


Not only did I sink… I became a:

train wreck

Why did I feel like I needed to protect certain parts of me? Why did I feel I needed to defend my words?

Why did I allow for something or someone to take my peace and happiness?

The only thing I can share about my private conversation was that my personality and words were in question. And yes I took it quite personal.

What was it about the words that bothered me?
Why did I allow the words to phase me - - to make me angry?
Why did I feel her words were negative?
Why couldn’t I believe that perhaps she was coming from a loving place?
What was her intention?
Did she write me out of love?
Did she write me out of genuine concern for me?
Should I continue to punish myself for the mistakes that I have made?

I felt like all that I had written was getting thrown in my face. What I must understand is that THIS may in fact happen again and again and again. And maybe this is my lesson – that I am no longer safe - - that my words will be taken the way people will take my words and there is nothing I can do about that. That as long as I am an artist there will always be someone who has something to say about my art (good or bad). Perhaps this needed to happen to prepare me for what’s to come. This is what I must understand that there will be more people coming with more things to say to me - - using words I may not like and how will I stand?

I know that there is nothing I put out into the world that I am or should be ashamed of. There is nothing about me or my life that I feel I should hide. There are definitely areas and parts of me that I will always protect. But I will never hide who I am. I will not allow someone to dictate what my personality should look like, be like, or do with as far as my life’s purpose (there will always be CRITICS as my good friend OC reminds me) I know who I am I love who I am.

I must put in the effort to remain consistently disciplined… by this I mean my state of mind and very careful of the words I use - - I must remember the place I live and the love that comes from me and REACT from that place. I must disconnect from the words of others and in the end - - trust in me.

I allowed the opinions of someone to affect me in a bad way and I belittled that person in return. Why did I let the words get under my skin - - I got angry – I was hurt. So what did I do I reacted…I got angry I called the person to discuss it but I didn’t separate myself from the words. I reacted too quickly, immediately, instantly at 1:00AM - - instead of just sleeping on it and taking a day to really hear what the person was saying and understanding another’s perspective outside of my own. I came at her from a place of feeling angry, offended and hurt. I needed to breathe and remember the source - - just because someone has an opinion doesn’t make it true… it makes it their opinion - - their belief. And I can do what I will with that opinion.

So to the person I offended. I am sorry I offended you - - but please know I can not and will not have people in my life who intentionally or unintentionally hurt me - - and I forgive myself for not showing you compassion. You made valid points and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.

It’s not about making resolutions in 2008…resolving to do a list of things - - for me MY resolutions are resolving to live in a certain way. It’s about making right choices for me. I will remember that things will come into my life – and THINK about how will I react in those situations?

How will I stand?

I will stand in peace.
I will stand for peace.
I will stand in love.
I will stand for what I believe to be TRUE for me!

Where do you stand?