Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Forgive them father… for they KNOW not what they do~

Tuesday, June 9, 2009 12:43pm

Before I left the house this morning so many thoughts were racing through my head. I started to write them all down…

- Got money on the brain
- Sense of community
- Ideas about making money and who is entitled to it
- What having a community means to me
- Building a community
- Sharing a community
- A series of blogs that I’m working on called “Black or WHITE… Matters”

As all those thoughts were going on in my MIND… the palm of my left hand started to itch and I was like “WORD! Money is COMIN~” ☺

At the same time my phone went off alerting me that I was receiving an email. I opened it, froze and stopped dead in my happy little peace-filled place of creative thoughts… I stopped bouncing around… realizing that someone was about to be PAID on a very similar CONCEPT that I had already published in my blogs several years ago.

I thought to myself, “Hmmm that idea sounds awfully familiar… yeah I wrote that shxx”

So I immediately got pisst the F off…

“Wolves and sheep come WHO pretend to be lovers…”

I started to think about the many ways I felt betrayed and used by someone I once trusted. Used by someone I admired and looked up to… someone I once saw as an inspiration and role model to Latin Women.

This someone who embraced me…
This someone who wanted to show me the ropes and teach me…
I was her student.
She was my teacher.
I trusted her…
A teacher nurtures…
A teacher builds…
Teachers should not destroy—but they should encourage…
There’s a point though… a moment when the teacher sees that the student is about to surpass even them…
The teacher can either push the student to go even further or STIFLE their student.
I was surpassing my teacher… she knew it... AND I KNEW IT... I felt it~ it was POWERFUL…

A GOOD TEACHER will allow for the student to leave them… to spread their wings and continue growing… BUT NOT THIS TEACHER… this teacher wanted to control me… to CONTROL MY GROWTH… to CONTROL my process… to CONTROL my writing.

And I did in fact feel STIFLED… and disillusioned… in my eyes she was THE ALCHEMIST and I Santiago…

The wings of a bird were being held down… a bird who only wanted to fly…

So this little birdie BOUNCED…

“Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers… You never think it’s the ones who are closest to you… who shoot you down in the name of ambition”


We will get burned
People will lie
People will steal
People will pass ideas on as THEIR OWN
People will stomp on you to get to the top
People will cheat
Jesus and Judas
Back stabbers

“Forgive them father for they know not what they do…”

During that moment in my life—when I felt stifled…I knew that I needed to keep moving and continue to learn and continue to apply ALL I had learned to my work and then THE POINT IS to share that learning with the world. Sometimes the student needs to say goodbye to the teacher~


Fast forward… ITS Thursday, June 11,2009…

Its taken me a few days to come down from that blow… of seeing something that seemed very similar to something I had created being presented as someone else’s ideas.
Passing others work as “THEIR OWN CREATION” aka FRAUD… aka plagiarism… aka lies… people should always credit their inspiration!

“Imitation is a form of flattery,” V said. I AM NOT flattered…

So on the day of the text… I was on the 6-train plotting my revenge… real ugly things… unspiritual like things… I am so glad I was on a train because that ride from 125th to Union Square was just what I needed to realize that I was bugging…

HELL NO I am not going to react… I’m gonna do what I DO take it out on the page… so here it is…

I needed all my spiritual practice for this moment…

I believed that something had been stolen from me… AN IDEA… first of all lets get one thing straight… NOBODY owns ANY IDEA… every idea is inspired by ideas that have already existed…

Don’t worry about what other people are doing… don’t go searching for those things that you believe belong to you.

I also realized that it doesn’t matter what OTHERS are creating…I don’t need to worry about what others are doing…I don’t need to go to their websites or read their blogs to find out if they’re talking about me. It only matters what I DO. And I choose to write my own little love letter to aspiring artists and dreamers…


People have asked me, “Alicia how do you protect your work?” “How do you copyright your writing?” “Do you worry about people stealing your ideas?”

First of all, if you’re really worried about someone stealing that idea COPYRIGHT IT… if it will help you sleep at night… go for it… but for me in court of law… you better be able to show me you created that original work before my date… because I have over 53 journals FILLED with original work… and I am not worried… I can prove everything I create... and I will always credit the inspiration for any piece that aided me.

How do I protect my work? Lets be REAL… I don’t write with the idea that someone is going to steal my ideas… because they’re not mine to begin with! MY WORK, MY WRITING, MY WORDS… do not belong to me…

Ideas are free~

HOWEVER… I will want you to pay for the work I create… ☺

We have ALL been inspired by something… inspiration found in a song, the moon, the lines from a movie, conversations overheard in the subway on the street, from a painting… No idea is OUR own… nor should we claim we OWN them.

Nothing we create is OURS…
Nothing we put out there in the world should be for SELFISH reasons
Truly look at why you are doing what your doing…
When you have REAL TALENT and true gifts people will come into your life to aide you or exploit you…
People will come into your life saying that they want to help you
They will want to teach you
They will want you to join their team
Telling you that they want to help you get to the next level. THEY WANNA MAKE U A STAR~
THEY will come with their hidden AGENDAS

And then there will be those with pure INTENTIONS… those who will mean what they say… and if your lucky you will have partnerships that last a lifetime.

I can’t be worried about THEM and what they are doing~ KNOW that predators exist… yes there are bad people in the world… but don’t live your life looking over your shoulder for that someone who may jab that knife in your back. Surround yourself by like-minded folks… Continue to create… be original… be TRUE.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Uncovering the TRUTH… releasing all WORRY

During yoga today my neck was in a lot of pain… it was hard to breathe…I was thinking a lot about my perceived problems, financial matters… everything I need to do… all the ways I can make money… and dancing on a pole or playing the lotto always seem like the quick fix…

I tried to stop my thoughts… they were racing… where do I go? How do I start? Who should I call? What do I do?

I meditate on words during yoga… and I say things to myself like be still, clarity, release… BREATHE… on the inhale I use positive words like:

INHALE…peace… EXHALE…chaos…
INHALE…love… EXHALE… hate…
INHALE…strength… EXHALE…weakness…
INHALE…abundance… EXHALE…limitation

It wasn’t working… my mind was filling up with all kinds of things like... “but what about the rent, bills, shopping, chores, responsibilities, travel, work, money, make money, MORE MONEY…”


I got through yoga… and I still didn’t feel like I reached that place where I could begin my day with clarity and perspective… I tried again… I went to calm space… a safe place… and asked… what is it that I need… what is my body responding to… the word that came up for me was WORRY~

I am worrying…
I must release all WORRY…

So I got up once I understood what was going on with me… and went to my T. Smiley cards…

The words for today are:

UNCOVER… unleash my best
CONNECT…create to connect
PATIENCE…the practice of patience

“UNCOVER…UNCOVER and Unleash your BEST~ you’ve been UNDER stress for far too long. Now’s the time to OVER stress. UNCOVER and unleash your best by worrying less.”

Here it is… a direct message for me… to not worry… to TRUST that I will be fine… that my world is FINE… that I have everything I NEED… that it’s ALL GOOD… as soon as I realized that I was worrying… I focused on something else… WHY WORRY… don’t I always get myself out of a jam… rather than worry… why not look for the solution… I am always protected and I will always be OK.

“Create to CONNECT…your dream is bigger than you are. It’s the creative force of God. Create your dream life, then send it out into the world to make a difference.”

Do I want a life full of stress and chaos? Absolutely NOT~ I am living my dream… every single day…a friend once wrote to me… “Alicia, how does it feel to be walking your dream everyday?” I must never forget that… My prayer is that I continue to create and CONNECT and live long enough to see all those I love living that same way~

“Practice PATIENCE…do the best you can, place everything totally and completely in God’s hands, and WAIT patiently for your blessings to manifest.”

The last card was a DIRECT reminder that I must always… Practice PATIENCE… through the words I create I connect… I am connecting to a source greater than me… the people I have met, the lessons I have learned… everything in between… has brought me to this moment… I need not WORRY… I must TRUST and believe that my blessings are manifesting…with PATIENCE I know that my moment is coming~


Friday, June 5, 2009

It will FIND you~

Words I am meditating on today are:


Take CARE… is the perfect message for me to start this day… I started the day slower than most days… waited for my house to get quiet… did my yoga, meditation and prayers… and I feel so good right now…

FIND… this word can be defined my many of us in so many ways… love, money, success, titles, cars, houses, travel…

“FIND: Find your life’s work… YOU were NOT put on this earth to simply work for a living~ DISCOVER what you were meant to do~” Tsmiley

What are we looking for?
What is that we want?
Where do we see ourselves?
If we could be doing one thing for the rest of our lives what would that ONE thing be?
What have you found?

Find it~

Search for it~

How will you know when you’ve found it?

There are people who have a clear plan, direction… means of achieving and having everything and anything they want… they have a way of turning their desires into reality…

If you’re anything like me… you weren’t taught how to FIND it… and if you are a lot like me… we like to learn things the HARD way… and that search doesn’t always come easy… and it rarely looks pretty…


How did I know that I FOUND IT?

How did I know WHEN I found it?

How did I know that I FOUND that thing that I wanted to do for the rest of my life?

How did I find my Life’s PURPOSE?

For me it was a life or death thing. I wanted and needed my daughter to know about me… I felt like I was running out of time and wasting my life… I knew that if I wrote it… she would know the truth… unfiltered and uncensored by those in my life with their many versions of how they believe I lived my life… I decided that if anyone was going to dish my dirt - - it was going to be ME…

I wanted to leave a road map into my heart~

I wanted to show her my pains… my wounds… my scars…

I wanted to show her the rawness of life’s cruelties~

I wanted to show her how I HEAL~

I wanted to show her how to be REAL~

I wanted to show her how to FALL and get right back UP~

I wanted to show her how to LOVE~

So a memoir about my life sounded like a good idea…

The working title is: BECOMING ME~ It’s ok in my skin~

I wanted her to look at what it has taken for ME to BECOME ME

What it took to get here~

What I continue to get wrong~

What I know I do right~

How I hit the floor and get right up, lick my wounds and keep it moving~

How easy it is for me to give and share love~

Why it is I am so TRUSTING~

How easy it is for me to remove things that are bad for my soul~
Why I am NEVER afraid of LOVING~

A memoir… into my life… I would write a memoir JUST FOR HER… in case she had any questions or confusion…

What I have FOUND to be the truth about this journey… is that NO MATTER what you’re doing in your life or where you are at… where you are RIGHT NOW… THAT its where you’re supposed to be… and as long as you are on that journey… towards that thing you desire… you WILL find that THAT thing you are looking for… has a funny way of FINDING YOU~

Now ORIGINAL… this word makes me think of my girl V~ she IS an original… but what I don’t think she knows is that she is an INSPIRATION to me… I ADMIRE her… her ORIGINALITY… her strength… the beauty… the softness in her warrior spirit…

“ORIGINAL: You’re an original… EXPLORE your true talents… don’t copy or pass off others work as your own~ STEP out on FAITH to bring forth something unique and fresh~” Tsmiley

A confession… for a while I would read my friend Vanessa’s work and wished I could write like HER… she has a colorful and vivid way of expressing herself with words…her vocabulary VAST… ivy league kinda vast… brilliant… that’s what she is… she has a way of letting you know in the most articulate, intellectual and ghetto-fabulous way of EXACTLY WHERE you can go with the nonsense you’re spewing~ I admire that about her.

I mentioned to my daughter one day… “I wish I could say things in my writing the way V does…” and she just looked at me and said… “MOM, V writes beautifully… her words are wonderful… her style is HER OWN… that’s HER VOICE… you write well too… you’re VOICE is special…” and I smiled and said thank you~

What does be ORIGINAL mean to me?

I have an original idea—MY NOVEL… it has NEVER been written~
Which makes sense for me… because I am an ORIGINAL~ and its my story to tell~
There has never been and will never be anyone LIKE ME~


It will find you if you let it~


Thursday, June 4, 2009

Choosing to SHINE~


Written last year... I realized I never published this blog... one of my words to meditate on THIS MORNING is SHINE

"SHINE: Take risks in your work. Doing things the way they've always been done produces the SAME mediocre, results. SHINE the light on yourself by finding a NEW, better solution" Tsmiley~

I recently finished a book titled, The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. And decided I wanted to write about this idea of following ONES journey....

In Coelho’s tale, he writes about going in SEARCH of ones Personal Legend.

It was my fourth time reading the book and each time I’ve picked it up I’ve been in a new place in my life... something always seems to happen to draw me back in.

Whenever I recognize that its time to pick up the book - - I realize that it serves as a way for me to check in - - to see if I am on my journey - to see where I AM AT on the journey - or to help point me back in the right direction.

It seems to happen as a way to get me back on track, reminding me of WHO I AM and on two different occasions I have been in romantic relationships - - while working a large projects - - each occasion forcing me to FOCUS on what's important.

I only mention that I have been in relationships because both times it seems that while things are going so great in my life, where I make progress on my journey - - I tend to attract things that SEEM wonderful on the outside... but on occasion have moved me away from my journey - from my goals... kept me from moving towards my Personal Legend.

So some of the things that I have been thinking about lately are:

How do I continue on my journey towards REALIZING my personal legend while building a relationship?
How do I NOT allow for distractions to take me off track?
When I do get off track - - how do I get back?
How do I stay focused?
How do I NOT allow for things to enter my life and move me away from my journey?
How does my journey get altered? And is it always for the better?

What I do know for certain is that every person that I meet on this journey I am MEANT to meet.

Everything that I experience on this journey I am MEANT to experience (good and bad -- especially the bad) I truly believe this…

Whenever I get to a place of questioning ME on my journey - - I turn to the Alchemist. Sometimes we need a reminder of what we’re working so hard for… what we’re working towards. Reminding ourselves of where it is we are going on this journey and who we are supposed to PICK UP along the way - - and sometimes we’re on this journey to recognize who we’re supposed to LET GO and kick to the curb, so that we can continue moving toward our destination. Towards whatever the treasure is for US at the end of all THIS.

The Alchemist is about a boy who has a dream about finding a treasure. It is a beautiful tale about his journey~

What will his tests be?
What will he learn along the way?
Will he succeed or fail?
Who will show up to aid him or betray him?
Will he reach his destination?

I won’t give it all away but it’s definitely worth the read.

This is a beautiful story about how ONE moves towards finding their personal legend (finding and fulfilling our life’s purpose). This book is a road map into Santiago’s heart and teaches us how we each can make our dreams come true.

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting, he thought, as he looked again at the position of the sun, and hurried his pace.”

This quote is about the moment when Santiago sees that he is getting closer and rather than run away from it he picks up his pace to RUNS TOWARDS IT.

This is how I am feeling today... like I am getting really close to the finish line... and am allowing stress and to do lists distract me... this is where I must RUN... with all my might... TOWARDS THE FINISH LINE~ and even when I get there... I must continue... I must SHINE~

The journey teaches us how to turn our dreams into reality. Reminding us that there are many tools we must pick up along the way. Tools that we learn from others, learn in school, pick up from elders, read in books, hear in songs, get from TV… wherever learning happens… we must get STRONG... we must work daily at getting ready... we must pay attention to the signs and pick up ALL THE TOOLS WE NEED...

The most important tool I think any of us can pick up on the journey is PATIENCE. If there is ONE lesson to be learned on the journey is that patience IS A REQUIREMENT and is VERY necessary on the journey – but somehow along the way we forget this, we get scared, we believe we're the ones in control or fail to practice PATIENCE… walking with this sense of urgency and frustration that we allow to fill us this lack of patience… lack of faith - - because we want things in the immediate - - we want it now… we look for these results in the present. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!

Then there's: “People’s inability to choose their own personal legends”

I started to think about the people I have met on my journey. Those who are in my inner circle and just associations I have made along the way. I look at the people who surround me (us) and how very comfortable people can become with how we live our lives... with the person we USED TO BE... the journey ALTERS you forever... you are rarely EVER the same... People we know are comfortable with the US we’ve always been.

I'm thinking about this idea of evolution, growth and stagnation. Where we stay in this place where people have always known us… we stay right where we are in order to make people comfortable - - and when we start on that journey of finding our personal legend - - truly going in search of OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL journey... and allowing it to take us where it may - - we find that there are those who will be supportive and happy for us - - but a lot more folks who will not happy for us.

There are people who will LIVE to try and knock you off your path... and take you down... KEEP GETTING READY... and don't be afraid of these people... they are cowards... they are weak... they are afraid to walk THEIR OWN WALK and will have many opinion of the are becoming... YOU don't need their opinions...

There will be some who will want the gifts we receive for themselves… disguised as envy and jealousy - - the naysayer’s – the people who will find negativity in the joy and blessings we receive. And these people who are closest to us may not be happy about our changes or success. And THIS because THEY are not in search of their own personal legend. They haven't learned how to find it for themselves.

There are people who will try to convince us that it is impossible to realize our personal legend - - who will fill us with self doubt, poison, negativity… projecting THEIR OWN fears of achieving or reaching their own potential… and in the face of all those who doubt… we MUST continue to prepare our spirit and nurture our WILL to carry on – to continue the journey - - we must honor what we have been called to do… we KEEP GETTING READY~

And if we don't yet know what that is.... we must figure out EXACTLY what it is we’ve been called to do… DO THAT WORK FIRST~

Where have we been taught to go in search of that THING we are meant to do?
How do we know when we've found it?
Who in our families have lived out their personal legend?
Who are our examples?
Who are our role models?
Who has shown us to go out and get it for ourselves?
Who has taught us to believe in ourselves?
Where do we turn to for this learning?

I am thinking about those people who have followed their hearts... who wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and are doing what they love... and teaching others how to go out and get it for themselves.

“And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Many people have come and gone in my life...

I have had devastating losses... and incredible wins... but the ONE CONSTANT... my mantra in the face of adversity... my prayer... my reminder FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS...

The END of anything... is the beginning of something new, something great, something better... and in the mean time...I keep getting ready~

Its time~

Its time to get ready~



Spec of DOUBT~ what lies beneath…

I’m on the D train heading downtown and I am feeling STRESSED out… my heart is racing… really really really fast… my bag weighs about 50 pounds with all my files, laptop, this journal and everything that I need to get done today~

I was just in my house - - where my day started off wonderful… with an incredible release…that put me back to sleep… and then I awoke again to face the day… to GREET THE DAY that awaits…

JUST thinking about TODAY made my heart pound in my chest and begin the race… a part of it is my nerves… another part is STRESS, one part excitement and there is THIS small spec that’s trying to enter me… this unwanted SPEC OF DOUBT~

So picture ME… running around my house this morning… can’t find socks, put on my sneakers before putting on pants… FAST FORWARDING my day before it’s even begun…


Will I get it done?
We launch in TWO days… the day after tomorrow…


My hands trembling a little~

What do I do?
What do I need?
What will help me most in my time of NEED~ AKA time of self-imposed STRESS~





BE STILL………………………..





Stop before I get on the phone with someone I love and pass my unwelcomed stress and panic to the UNDESERVING…

Stop before I hurt someone’s feelings because I’m too busy to talk to them today and don’t even give them the time of day… making them feel insignificant in my life…



If all else fails release it all on the page…


Be still

What do I need?

To get quiet~
To start my day slower~


To stop & remember to breathe~

Feed myself
Get back to my practice
Feed myself today with words that SERVE…
With words that LIFT…
With words that will move me towards EVERYTHING I NEED… I have all I need…to get it ALL DONE~

HONOR myself~

STOP~ I am not allowing anyone to add to my plate today~

I honor me today…

I will not allow my biz partner, my daughter, my lover, my friends, or my family… NO ONE… to add to my plate today~



I know what I need…
I know where to turn to… and I will GO TO IT~

Breathe ALICIA…

I needed to remind myself of things that I need to do… YOGA… it helps… It calms me… it centers me… I am not sure when it happened on this journey… I was doing yoga everyday before starting EACH DAY… and somewhere along the way I left it… yes I have been traveling…QUITE A BIT… but that should never have been reason for me to stop doing something that made me feel so good… I feel like I have been non-stop for such a long time… sneaking time for me as I can… but not DEDICATING any real time for me… YOGA was ALL MINE… not shared time… it was a moment for be to give thanks, be still, be with ME and the creator… and connect… connect to a source that energized me daily…

What do I need?
To take care of ME…
To have compassion for me…
What I need is support…
I need help~
I can’t do it all by myself~
I need my circle to walk with me always… YOU ARE ALL SUCH AN IMPORTANT part of my life…
Help me~



Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Look 2 the SKY~

“Its amazing the way darkness FALLS…”
It’s a beautiful day~
I am happy to be alive…
I am happy to have you in my life…
There is a calm about me today~
A quiet peacefulness~
Peace filled~
I like the silence~
Filled with love~
A beautiful day to give PRAISES…

A beautiful day to “LOOK… 2 THE SKY…”

Today I am giving myself over 2 the sky~
I am walking in love~
I am walking with MY LOVE~
I am open~
I see ME~
I see ME in YOU~
I see TRUTH~

You ask why me?
Why not YOU?

You were the one sent~
For me to love ~
Sent for me to teach~
Walk with~
Learn from~
Dance with~
Cry to~
Fight with~
Share my life~

I see so many things in you:


What do you have to offer me? WHY YOU?
You don’t need to give me ANYTHING… but what you DO GIVE is EVERYTHING~

This feels familiar and good~
And when I have any doubt… any worries… any question… about WHY?

“I stop myself and LOOK 2 the sky… the only truth is in the sky~”

You ask me why you?
I could ask the same… WHY me?
LOVE doesn’t need to ask WHY~
Love KNOWS… just look 2 the sky~

You’re part of the sky…
I asked and you arrived…



Para ti~
ERES todo~
Te extrano~

Mira el cielo a 2 ~

"Es increíble la forma en que la oscuridad ... CAÍ"
Es un día hermoso ~
Estoy contenta de estar viva ~
Feliz de tenerte en mi vida ...
Hay una calma sobre mí hoy ~
Una tranquilidad ~
Llena de paz ~
Me gusta el silencio ~
Contenta ~
Feliz ~
Llena de amor ~
Un hermoso día para dar las gracias ...
Un lindo día para "Mirar EL CIELO"

Hoy me estoy entregando al cielo ~
Hoy camino con amor ~
Hoy camino con mi amor ~
Estoy abierta ~
Le doy las GRACIAS ~
ME veo ~
Te veo a TI ~
Veo a TI en mi ~
Veo la VERDAD ~

TU me preguntas por qué-YO?
¿Por qué no--TU?
Tu fuiste enviada ~
Para yo amar ~
Proteger ~
Respetar ~
Enviada para enseñarme ~
Caminar conmigo ~
Aprender de mi ~
Para bailar conmigo ~
Llorar a mi lado ~
Luchar y pelear conmigo ~
Para compartir mi vida ~

Veo tantas cosas en TI:
Pureza ~
Respeto ~
Honestidad ~
Apertura ~
Bondad ~
Cuidarme ~
Considerada ~
Levantándome ~
Compasión ~
Crudeza ~
Risas ~
Cielo ~

¿Qué tu me tienes que ofrecer? POR QUÉ - TU?
Tu no me tienes que dar me nada ... pero lo que me das es TODO ~

Lo que tenemos se siente familiar y bueno ~
Y cuando tengo alguna duda ... alguna inquietud acerca… o cualquier pregunta de... ¿POR QUÉ?

"Debo de PARAR y buscar el cielo ... la única verdad está en el cielo ~"
TU me pregunta por qué?
Podría preguntarte lo mismo ... ¿Por qué YO?
Con el AMOR no es necesario preguntar por qué ~
EL AMOR sabe… sólo miras al cielo ~

Eres parte del cielo ...
Yo pregunté y tu llegaste ~


Is JEALOUSY healthy?

“I love making you jealous - - it shows me how much you love me?”

“I only get jealous because I want you to know how much I love you?”

“I can’t stand fulanita - - I don’t like her… and her success… who does she think she is?”

“Why do you have to spend so much time with….?”

My love was on the phone with me the other day… telling me about all the new people in her life… the friends she is making on her travels… she IS happy… FULL of joy… and for the most part all of the people she has told me about sound like wonderful additions to her life… except for ONE (lets call her BLACK BEAUTY)…

Background on BLACK BEAUTY… one word – STUNNING~

Another word – SEXY~

Something happened inside of me… I felt a hint of jealousy… she’s been spending some time with BLACK BEAUTY and they’re connecting… establishing a friendship… and I feel something every time I hear BB’s name… I’m sitting here wondering why I feel this way… why do I automatically cringe when my love shares the details of their time together?

They’re just hanging… having dinner… going dancing… doing what home girls do~

I guess one part of it… is that I wish it were me she was spending time with… I wish I could be with her… I wish we could have romantic dinners, go on evening strolls, or just watch a corny movie together.

I wish I was close enough to just jump on a train to see her and bring her soup - - did I mention that my love works in Colombia (the country)~

I don’t like to feel jealous… I don’t want to be jealous… I definitely want to let this go. I don’t want her for myself… I shouldn’t be selfish… I have a handful of people I spend my time with on a regular…

Why does it bother me?
Why do we get jealous?
Why do we get jealous in relationships?
Where does jealousy come from?
When is jealousy healthy?

Another thought… if we remove that feeling of being jealous - - will the people in our lives feel that we no longer care for or love them?


Monday, June 1, 2009

Pushing BEYOND the limits~

Pushing myself until it hurts~
On the brink of tears… yet I can’t STOP~
Beyond my limits~
Past my perception of what I can take~ learning I can take SO MUCH MORE~
Surpassing the exhaustion~

I am pushing myself today harder than I ever have~

I don’t believe I have EVER worked this hard… used so much of my body, mind, spirit and soul~

When you push yourself you TRULY see what you are made of… the things I believed were UNATTAINABLE are in the past… those thoughts no longer serve me.

“I can’t do it!” is no longer in my vocabulary… it is replaced by:


“I am tired!” translates to:
FINISH IT… there is NO time to be tired…
MEET your deadlines~
DO what you set out to do~
Do what you say you are going to do~

“I am exhausted!” turns into:
If I have enough energy to even utter those words… then I still have a little bit more… SO KEEP PUSHING~

What about the housework, the errands, the dishes that have been in the sink for two days because I have been working 14 hour days? All excuses to stop my momentum - - to procrastinate… just FINISH IT…
Finish what I set out to do~
Finish what I started~

The dishes will still be there tomorrow… The only thing I really NEED to do right now is practice:

It takes great COURAGE to wake up everyday and go after what you want~
ENDURANCE to be able to take whatever comes your way and still have the strength to move forward even when you’re kicked down… wiping the dirt off your knees and continuing to smile while keeping it moving.

Know that anything worth having requires HARD WORK… and many moments of WORKING HARD for what you want! I have been non-stop and I am not stopping… I am PUSHING myself harder than I ever have… and this pain feels good~

An incredible amount of COMMITMENT is necessary - - without it we’re just full of shit~ and fooling ourselves and everyone we tell that we WANT TO ACHIEVE a certain goal… if you wake up today with a dream… and tomorrow a door closes RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE… and you allow that dream killer to take it from you… then YOU NEVER WERE committed… so stop lying to yourself… you’re full of crap and never really wanted it… TALK IS CHEAP! People have what THEY have… BY DOING, going after, giving, and receiving… by honoring themselves… don’t wait for it… COMMIT to it!

DON’T QUIT! You can’t fail! The only way you can fail - - is by QUITTING! I read that somewhere recently~

But my all time favorite and personal mantra… is practicing PATIENCE~ I KNOW that everything happens RIGHT on TIME~ I’m not worried… I’m not stopping… I will be ready when it arrives~

KEEP pushing yourself?