Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Bogota Pride~

Sunday, June 26th I attended my first pride parade in Bogota. It was absolutely amazing. I was interviewed by a local network check out how we get down in South America.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Monday, June 27, 2011


Today I woke up anxious. This is the week I submit my manuscript in order to receive the proof.

My head is spinning. There is so much that goes into creating a book. The work isn’t done when the story is written. There are fonts to be chosen, size margins, gutter margin, size of book, justifying pages… all I can do right now is breathe and not allow myself to be paralyzed.

Just when you think you're done editing… you must edit some more.

I have six books next to me and I am trying to decide which book size is what I envision for my story.



When you self publish a book you are not only the writer, you’re the editor, designer, marketing and sales team.

I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m taking it one day at a time. As I look out of the window here in Bogota I’m grateful. I have waited ten years for this moment. So while it is overwhelming I will slow down and really be in this process, I really want to enjoy this moment because not only did I write a beautiful story I am designing my first book.

And I can’t wait to share it with you.

I affirm: Today is a new day~ Today Finding Your Force will unfold perfectly~ Today I will unfold perfectly~ Today I trust and believe that everything is working in my favor~ Today I am still and know that all is happening in divine order~

Peace, light and love~

Friday, June 24, 2011


“Very little is sacred anymore in this world, but one thing must be treated with reverence or else the moral fabric of the world disintegrates: an agreement between two people. An enlightened marriage is a commitment to participate in the process of mutual growth and forgiveness, sharing a common goal of service...”

The last to sections in the chapter on Relationships is: Marriage and Forgiveness (Forgiving our parents, our friends, ourselves).

The section on marriage I can admit made me a little sad. I want to be married. I want to share my life with someone. (I have been married before) but what I desire for my life today is something different. I want a marriage of service. I desire a marriage that fills me spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, sexually and economically.

Marianne talks about a union where both partners serve each other. It’s a beautiful concept. I have been in relationships where they have been self-serving. This doesn’t work. This isn’t growth. This isn’t forward movement together. This is one person doing the giving and the other person doing the taking.

“Why is a marriage a more profound commitment than other forms of relationship, such as a couple who are living together? Because it is an agreement that, while a whole lot of screaming might go on, no one’s going to leave the room.”

Staying… I believe in this. I believe in standing right there. Not leaving. Doing the work it takes to build - - doing what it takes to nurture that commitment so that it lasts. I want someone who is willing to do the work.

“A partner’s support and forgiveness enable us to stand forth more magnificently in the world. A Course in Miracles tells us that love is not meant to be exclusive but inclusive.”

The person for me… must understand this concept.

“Whether we’re forgiving our parents, someone else, or ourselves, the laws of mind remain the same: As we love, we shall be released from pain, and as we deny love, we shall remain in pain. Every moment, we’re either extending love or projecting fear.”

I affirm:
Today I call forth a loving partnership that is about service.
Today I forgive those who have caused me pain.
Today I forgive myself for having caused anyone pain.
Today I will love deeply and stay open to what’s coming.

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles Of a Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Where PURE LOVE resides~

“Sometimes it takes all the love we’re capable of to let a person go… “I love you so much that I can release you to be where you need to be, to go where you need to go.” This moment in a relationship is not about an ending. It’s about the ultimate fulfillment of the purpose in any relationship: that we find the meaning of pure love.”

Does my letting you go mean that I didn’t love you or that I didn’t accept you?

Today I am spending time reading the sections in the Relationships Chapter about: Communicating Love, Commitment and Faith in Relationships~

Accepting people as they are… Marianne writes about those people who are constantly telling us what’s wrong with us yet don’t assist us, don’t guide us in getting better. What they do is paralyze us.

However, those who do accept us allow us to find our way and help to build. Those who accept us help us to feel good about who we are and where we are headed. When we accept people for who they are it helps them to get better... to get stronger.

There have been several relationships that I have had to let go of believing that I had to do so for their highest good… for my highest good.

In one relationship I believed that letting her go was right because the deepest form of love I could give her—was allowing her to be her, to learn, to experience, to feel and to expand. But today I wonder if that was also a form of not accepting her. I’m not really sure. I don’t have an answer but it makes me question whether or not I/WE really know what accepting someone for who they are is really about.

There are people that when something in a relationship doesn’t seem to go their way – they tend to walk away from it. So how do we master acceptance?

Faith in Relationships

“‘Now is the time for faith.’ Let us be softened by our tears. When emotional knives hit the heart, walls crumble that didn’t belong there to begin with. We can learn then. We can learn what is illusion and what is real. We can learn that idols can never ever be trusted, and we can learn about a love that never, ever leaves.”

The relationships that I have had, the love that I have shared has been absolutely amazing. This quote was just a confirmation for me that the love WE shared is eternal. This makes me feel warm and brings a smile to my face.


“A Course in Miracles says we are to have total commitment in all of our relationships, and they will never compete with one another. Commitment in a relationship means commitment to the process of mutual understanding and forgiveness—no matter how many conversations it takes, nor how uncomfortable those conversations might sometimes be. When we physically separate from someone we’ve been involved with, that doesn’t mean the relationship is over.”

I am understanding something new today… the end of my relationships no longer means that it is THE END of us… our chapter as we know it is over but the PURE LOVE that existed stays. That never ends.

I affirm: Today I understand that the love we shared will never leave me. Today I understand that letting you go was the purest form of love I could have given you. Today I accept you just as you are. Today I accept me as I am. Today I will be still and know—that I AM love~

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles Of a Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Returning to who we really are~

“We don’t reach the light by endless analysis of the dark. We reach the light by choosing the light. Light means understanding. Through understanding we are healed.”

Today I am reading about forgiveness and changing our minds. CHANGE!!!

At any moment we have the power to change the direction of our lives. It sounds simple… almost like a bunch of bullshit. But it’s true. At any moment we have the power to alter our perception of our lives. If you are hurting and you can’t take the pain anymore something in you will either send messages throughout your body saying OK… basta… enough is enough we are done with this… this isn’t working its time to move on. Or you will stay in the pain until it kills you. And in the moment that questioning thought enters your body change has happened.

Freedom is an amazing place to stand in. Standing in your freedom to choose… to be who are meant to be… to do what you are meant to do. Freedom to change at any moment is liberating and refreshing. Gives me hope that things don’t have stay the same.


When you are changing~

When you are becoming someone who takes your SELF seriously it is inevitable that you will and MUST drop people. They will not accept the new you. They are not where you’re at. They are so used to the old you that they can’t stand the new you.

The people who are about growth and evolution will support you in moving forward... the people who are threatened by that growth with try and step on you and this is when we must let them go. The worst part about it is that even those who love us—want us to stay the same. When we start changing they’re forced to look at themselves. And if they’re not ready for that kind of growth... then there is nothing we can do but keep moving.

The relationship section of this book is incredibly long. Marianne is covering so many areas. She is calling me to sit through the discomfort today and feel things. And I AM feeling things. The change I am feeling in me has more to do with how I see my relationships… encouraging me to face fear and move through it. I am exploring the things I thought people were doing to me that I was in fact doing to myself.

Today I am worrying less about what others have done to me.

Today I am working on my own healing.

“Actual change occurs because of a decision on our part: the decision to heal, the decision to change. It ultimately doesn’t matter so much why I become angry or defensive. What matters is that I decide I want to be healed, and I ask God to help me. Like an actor reading lines from a script, I can choose a new response to life, a new reading.”

Everyday is an opportunity to begin again. At any moment we can ask the universe for a miracle and trust that it will arrive.

“… with the correction of our perceptions, we are returned to who we really are. Our true, purely loving self can never be uncreated. All illusions will be undone. Although, experiences such as childhood trauma can lead us to deviate from our true nature, the truth itself is held in trust for us… until we choose to return.”

I affirm: Today I ask to be healed. Today I am returning to who I really am.

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles Of a Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

DE RENZO y ALICIA Los Mas Nuevo de Afrolatinos~

Hola amigos,


Como han de saber, el equipo Afro-Latinos a viajado a través de América Latina por mas de 18 países; investigando todo lo concerniente a nuestra cultura Afro descendiente. Pero esta investigación esta llegando a su final; Con la visita a: chile, argentina, y Uruguay, solo nos resta Bolivia y Venezuela para que nuestro trabajo este completo en su totalidad.

Estén atentos y sea usted el primero en ver los resultados de nuestra investigación mas reciente; acompáñenos a vivir un carnaval al estilo América del sur, descubra la realidad del origen del tango y conozca una celda especializada en criar esclavos. Disfruta de imagenes exclusivas de nuestro rodaje en, Argentina, Chile, y Uruguay.

Echa un vistazo a nuestra sección nueva denominada AfroLatinos Internet TV;

AfroLatinos Internet TV; ofrece aspectos destacados del documental. Nos muestra el interior de las religiones afro latinas yendo desde la Santería hasta el vudu; También en este espacio conoceremos a héroes afro latinos, como el gran Roberto Clemente; y de igual manera esta sección nos pondrá a bailar cuando escuchemos música reggae desde Panamá. Y aprenderemos mas sobre la belleza afro en América Latina.

En fin Afro latinos TV; abarcara un sin números de temas diversos de interés común para todos los afro descendientes.

Hemos hecho algunos cambios en nuestro sitio Web:

Nueva presentación en nuestra página de inicio
Afrolatinos Internet TV - para ver segmento exclusivos
La estación de radio tiene más programas para descargar gratis
Talleres: el equipo de afrolatinos ha impartido talleres educativos para publico en general

Algunos de los talleres impartidos son:

Historia AfroLatina y la Diáspora Africana en América Latina
Religiones AfroLatinas en América Latina
Música AfroLatina
Danza Yoruba
Taller de Producción de Televisión
Taller de Escritura para TV y Cine
Taller de como hacer un Documental de bajo presupuesto
Servicio comunitario

Síganos en Facebook:

Síganos en Twitter:

AfroLatinos: La historia que nunca nos contaron tiene como objetivo terminar la producción del documental para finales del 2011 y ser transmitido por TV a mediados del 2012 ; Sabemos que están esperando ansiosamente la fecha de lanzamiento del documental, es por tal razón, que para que no nos olviden le estaremos dando diferentes regalos a través de nuestra pagina Web.

El 2011 ha sido denominado el Año de los Afro descendientes; y en honor de este gran reconocimiento estaremos mostrando una mirada exclusiva del producto final.

El equipo Afrolatinos está muy entusiasmado con todo lo que tienen para mostrarles.

Gracias por formar parte de este movimiento.

Para más información, contáctenos en:

Renzo Devia
Executive Producer
Creador Pictures LLC.

Alicia Anabel Santos
Writer / Co-Producer
Creador Pictures, LLC

"La unión hace la fuerza"
"Unity creates power"

Monday, June 20, 2011

It’s all in your head~

My heart hurts today. I am feeling myself putting up lots of walls. I am feeling confused and lost. I am in the middle of doing amazing work with the Afrolatinos documentary and my novel. Trying to find that space and time to tend to me… to tend to my spirit… to tend to my growth.

I’m still in the section on relationships in a Return to Love, and today’s sections were very complex. The themes were: Healing our wounds, Closed Hearts, and Working On Ourselves.

“Our armor is our darkness—the dark of the heart, the dark of the pain, the dark of the moment when we make that wicked comment or that unfair request. Our defenses reflect our wounds. But no person can heal those wounds. They can give us love, innocently and sincerely, but if we’re already convinced that people can’t be trusted—if that’s the decision we’ve already made—then our mind will construe whatever someone’s behavior is, as evidence that our previously drawn conclusion was correct. The course tells us we decide what we want to see before we see it.”

Healing our wounds~ We decide what we want to see before we see it. This implies that we tell ourselves stories. We want so badly, so desperately for something to be a certain way that we make up stories in our minds about what is in front of us. And when it doesn’t happen for us the way we expected it to happen we are disappointed. We see what we want to see—not what is.

This is weighing heavily on me today. There is something here that I must release. There is something that I continue to do wrong and that is continuing to see things that aren’t there…these things that I want so badly to see. There are things that I want so badly to have.

“I once had a crush on a gay man. It might have been unreasonable, but I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I asked for a miracle, and the following thoughts occurred to me: “You know, Marianne, you’re obsessed, you’re so unreleased about this because you’re not releasing him. Accept him as he is. Release him to be where he wants to be, doing whatever he wants to do with whomever he wants to do it. It’s what you’re not giving that is lacking here. It’s what you’re doing to him that’s causing you pain. Emotionally, your ego is trying to control him, which is why you’re feeling controlled by your emotions.” I released him in my mind, and then I felt released.”

Releasing those ideas… releasing that which we make up in our minds… releasing that story that we are trying to sell ourselves. That’s what I am doing today... I am RELEASING ALL OF IT. I am staying open to the truth of what is. That’s where I am at today. I am staying in these feelings but opening my eyes and mind to the truth… this is essential.

“… an ego trip was keeping you from applying yourself to your own lessons. In order to learn the most from relationships, you have to focus on your own issues.”

Something is keeping me from applying myself to my own lessons. I understand this now.

I affirm: Today I release what isn’t the truth~ Today I will continue to work on myself~ Today I am OPEN to my growth and learning~

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles Of a Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Desperate for LOVE~

“A Course in Miracles says it is ‘not our job to seek for love, but to seek for all the barriers we hold against its coming.’ Thinking that there is some special person out there who is going to save us is a barrier to pure love.”

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh romantic love~

That’s what I’m reading about today. Dispelling the myth that Mr. or Mrs. RIGHT exist... this is what we are talking about... this idea of THE RIGHT PERSON is all in our heads.

Are we MR. or MRS. RIGHT? Are we perfect? Are we ready for love? Are we capable of giving that which we seek?

I have had so many conversations about love in my life. It is my favorite subject and area if life I wish to be an expert in. At the same time, it’s also the one I still quite haven’t figured out yet.

I have had the most amazing relationships with people but they still haven’t been completely RIGHT. And right in the sense that something goes wrong that it ends. The love remains. I love deeply. But still there is always something that just isn’t RIGHT.

I was in car last summer with someone I love deeply and we were talking about the idea of marriage. We both had very different definitions for what makes a relationship last. And I remember talking about my parents and the fact that they have been together over forty years. I remember saying, that’s the kind of love, the kind of marriage, and the kind of relationship I want. My parent’s relationship isn’t perfect they have had 40+ years of WORKING HARD to keep their marriage together.

“A good relationship isn’t always crystals and rainbows. It’s a birth process, often painful, often messy.”

That’s what I want someone who is willing to get dirty. I want that relationship that gives birth to a lifetime of love. Someone who is willing to put in the time it takes to nourish a relationship. I want that firm foundation that is built on TRUTH.

“If your heart’s desire is for an intimate partner, the Holy Spirit might send someone who isn’t the ultimate intimate partner for you, but rather something better: someone with who you are given the opportunity to work through the places in yourself that need to be healed before you’re ready for the deepest intimacy.”

…the opportunity to work through the places in myself that need to be healed before I AM ready. This is key. There is so much we must work out… work through. We mustn’t be in a rush to get there. This is where I am at today… there are places that need to be healed before I am ready. So I will continue to get ready.

“Love is a decision. Waiting to see whether someone is good enough is childish, and it is bound to make the other person feel on some level as though they’re auditioning for a part.” (I add this quote because it jumps out at me as something to look at.)

“Part of working on ourselves, in order to be ready for a profound relationship, is learning how to support another person in being the best that they can be. Partners are meant to have a priestly role in each other’s lives. They are meant to help each other access the highest parts within themselves.”

Helping each other be the best person they can be!!!!!! I love that~

Today I affirm: The right person for ME is someone who helps me be a better person, aids me in accessing HIGHEST PARTS of me and I will be that for them~

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson


Peace, light and LOVE~

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Perfect Match~

“A relationship is not meant to be the joining at the hip of two emotional invalids. The purpose of a relationship is not for two incomplete people to become one, but rather for two complete people to join together… ”

“According to a Course in Miracles, the search for the perfect person to “fix” us is one of our biggest psychic wounds, and one of the ego’s most powerful delusions.”

“… our desire to find one who completes us is hurtful because it is delusional. It means we’re seeking salvation in separation rather than in oneness.”

We all want that perfect person. At least that’s what I want to believe. That we collectively all want the same thing someone we can love and someone who will love us back.


I can’t tell you the many relationships and people who have entered my life who have felt PERFECT for me. They have felt like “THE ONE.”

If you’re following this blog then you know I’m reading A Return To love, the chapter that I’m on today is, Part II Practice, Chapter 6 on Relationships. This is precisely where I stopped reading the book in March of 2009. There were things in this chapter that I wasn’t ready to look at. I certainly didn’t want to hear it—because I believed I knew what I was doing. And all my choices were correct. That’s what I tried to convince myself about.

Something told me that it was time for me to delve back in and explore some themes in my life that I seem to continue to get wrong. There are things I’ve been ignoring.
So today I am re-visiting… looking at things with clear eyes and trying to understand what it is about these relationships that have felt perfect but have left me or ended… what was it that I expected or hoped to see in my potential partnership. What was it that I believed they could give me? What is it that I believed I needed from them to become a complete person?

Today I am forcing myself to face the truth of all of it…

“Although we may not know it consciously, our search is often for someone who has what we think we don’t have.”

“A relationship is not meant to be the joining at the hip of two emotional invalids. The purpose of a relationship is not for two incomplete people to become one, but rather for two complete people to join together… ”

Marianne talks about two kinds of relationships the “holy relationship” and the “ego relationship.”

“In the holy relationship, we don’t seek to change someone, but rather to see how beautiful they already are.”

“… that we might learn how to love others more purely. We love purely when we release other people to be who they are.”

Today I am learning how to be in more HOLY relationships and am allowing people to be who they are~ Ache~

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Friday, June 17, 2011

People show up as teachers~ They show us our walls~

“People who have the most to teach us are often the ones who reflect back to us the limits to our own capacity to love, those who consciously or unconsciously challenge our fearful positions. They show us our walls. Our walls are our wounds—the places where we feel we can’t love any more, can’t connect any more deeply, can’t forgive past a certain point. We are in each other’s lives in order to help us see where we most need healing, and in order to help us heal.”

Yesterday was not a good day for me. It’s been hard being away from home. I miss my daughter and there was a situation that upset me and ruined my entire day. So today I was looking for the words to help me understand what made me so upset.

What was it that I needed to learn from that experience?

What I’ve come to understand is that people and experiences that show up in our lives—show up as teachers. That everything that happens in my life happens for a reason. Everything and everyone that enters our lives arrives to reveal something to us—about us. But there are moments when the lessons and teachers can be harsh. This is when we put up those walls. When we really don’t want to hear it. This is when we become completely CLOSED off to the lesson. Yet this is the moment when it’s most important to pay attention and really look at what is being revealed to us.

Here is where we must take the good with the bad. Not every experience will show up perfect, beautiful like some fantasy. One of the most amazing gifts we can give ourselves is an ability to look at our relationships those that exist and those that have ended and really see the role we have played and the lesson to be learned. There are always gifts left behind.

“What really has occurred is that someone else’s closed heart has tempted us to close our own, and it is our own denial of love that hurts us. That’s why the miracle is a shift in our own thinking: the willingness to keep our own heart open, regardless of what’s going on outside us.”

So today I am OPEN~ Today I will not allow what is going on outside of me to affect what is going on inside of me. Today I am open to the lesson and the teacher~

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Thursday, June 16, 2011

It’s a miracle~

It’s time to fulfill our purpose!

Those are the words that jumped out at me today. I am reading a section about MIRACLES… being open to miracles… paying attention to the little miracles.

“The purpose of our lives is to give birth to the best which is within us.”

How many of us are doing this? Are we giving birth to the best us? Are we listening to our inner voice that craves for more? We’ve heard the line: “Many are called but few are chosen.”

This to me means that we are ALL called to some sort of understanding of what our purpose is, but for some reason we choose to ignore it. There are always signs that point us in the direction of our purpose. Yet we push it aside. We start thinking about what’s practical and realistic—rather than just going for it and risking being impractical and unrealistic. Dreams do come true~

“The future can be reprogrammed in this moment. We don’t need another seminar, another degree, another lifetime, or anyone’s approval in order for this to happen. All we have to do is ask for a miracle.”

Everything we need is inside us. We are ready. Let’s go after it!

I affirm: In this moment I am reprogramming my future and welcome the miracles!

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Let go~ Let love~ just TRUST

“When we surrender to something bigger than ourselves—to a universe that knows what it’s doing. When we stop trying to control events, they fall into a natural order, an order that works.”

Today I am reading about surrender~ With the NYC Latina Writers group I talk a lot about surrendering. Surrendering to the process. Trusting the process. I think we can apply surrendering to almost all the areas in our lives. TRUST does not come easy for most of us. Letting go of things often times can be challenging. But what I have learned is that until we surrender we carry all this weight of excess stuff that just doesn’t serve us.

“Surrender means, by definition, giving up attachment to results.”

Misplaced energy. We think we can force things to happen. What we must understand is that there is an order to things. And everything happens in order. The process of SURRENDERING is about shifting this focus. Surrendering is releasing what is happening outside of us and tending to what is happening inside of us.

Today I choose to surrender all my worries, problems, issues and dreams to the Universe and I trust that as I surrender everything will happen RIGHT ON TIME~ Ache~

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Falling Apart~

“It’s unbelievable how tenaciously we cling to what we’ve prayed to be released from.”

“Fear does not promote learning. It warps us. It stunts us. It makes us neurotic. And by the time we were teenagers, most of us were severely cracked. Our love, our hearts, our real “self” were constantly invalidated by people who didn’t love us and by people who did. In the absence of love, we began slowly but surely to fall apart.”

There are messages everywhere. You could be reading the label off the can of beans, walking down the street and one word on an ad will jump out at you. That’s me today. I started reading, A Return to Love several years ago got to page 100 and stopped. It was the chapter on relationships. I'm not sure what it was about that chapter that made me abandon it but there was something I didn't want to look at.

When I finished reading the Alchemist for the tenth time… I decided to try and read A Return to Love again. There is something calling me to this book.

The moment I read those words we cling to those things we pray to be released from, I silently said to myself… yeah, I was supposed to hear that.

Why do we do that? Why do we hold onto those things we know are NO GOOD for us? Why can’t release those thoughts that do not serve us? Why do we keep people around us who don’t support us? What are we afraid will happen?

Quotes are from: A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Peace, light and LOVE~
Always Alicia

Monday, June 13, 2011

Course in Miracles~

So today is day one of preparing for my book launch. I am very grateful for everyone's support. Today I want to share with you an excerpt from the book I'm reading: A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles~ by Marianne Williamson:

"The Course can be summed up very simply;
Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God."

"What that means is this:

1. Love is real. It's an eternal creation and nothing can destroy it.
2. Anything that isn't love is an illusion.
3. Remember this, and you'll be at peace."

So in my meditation what I understand is... if this is TRUE then:

My power can't be threatened.
My love can't be taken from me.
I cannot be harmed in any way.
I cannot be touched.
I am in fact protected.

And so it is~

Saturday, June 11, 2011

We did it! Si se puede~

Stand still with me~

Take my hand~

Deep breath~




In this moment I want to stand still with all of you. I want to BE this moment with you. I want to celebrate this huge success and achievement which absolutely could not have happened without you. WE DIT IT! Not only did we reach our goal but we exceeded it, we raised a total of $2058.00 towards the publication of my first novel.

This writing dream is ten years in the making. That’s how long it has taken me to write this book—ten years. Because of you I get to share this story with the world… I get to share OUR STORY! Writing is a blessing that I understand I am meant to share. I write for you.

I thank each one of you for getting me to this moment.

Over the next few weeks I have the wonderful task of putting my first book together and I intend to bring each one of you along for the ride.

Thank you for believing in me~

Thank you for believing in my work and ability~

Thank you for your generosity and love~

May the universe bless you and your family with abundance for the rest of your life~



Peace, light and LOVE~

Always Alicia

Friday, June 10, 2011

Chapter 31: I am still INTACT! "Expansion" being open to natural growth.

It's count down. Only THREE hours left to my campaign.


Cielo, you are like a butterfly just emerged from its cocoon. You are a baby just learned to walk...everything is new for you. You see everything with new eyes! You are open, open to change, open to new things, open to experiences, and in time that may indeed leave you open for love.


Aug 10, 2008

Today I am feeling some pretty incredible vibes. I am receiving an incredible flow of love, strength and good wishes. My body feels strong. My heart is full. I feel ready. I feel blessed, happy… crazy happy. I am READY to continue getting ready. I am free. I feel this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I am on an amazing journey right now and want to experience every good thing that comes my way. I am more patient today than I have been lately. On this journey I have met so many wonderful people. I have heard stories, shared food and have been surrounded by magnificent views. This experience is so surreal. I’ve dreamt of all these places I have visited. It was real. I have been here before.

The end of us~

It wasn't easy
Calling it quits
never is
But in honoring me
I honor you~
If you think I'm gonna write about us~
If you think I blame YOU~
What we had was OURS
What I gave is YOURS
What I received~
I'm grateful
You arrived~

TODAY IS A NEW DAY! I am grateful I can still be light after the break up. What tends to happen during a break up or what has happened to me in the past is that I allow my self to fall apart. I would become paralyzed. I lose focus. My footing tends to slip. I lose track of all that is important to me. I would allow the sadness to consume me.

But not this time~ TODAY I AM A BUTTERFLY.

This time yes there were tears. Yes there was sadness. Yes there is something missing. I will miss her voice. I will miss her eyes. I will miss that someone you wake up every morning thinking about. That person who is the first thought of the day. The first call you want to make. The last voice you want to hear. It was wonderful to love her in that way. While something is missing… the love I have, the love I shared and gave is STILL INTACT! That love is still at HOME!

Prayer: Do I feel empty? Do I feel broken? Do I feel lost? Not today… that's not at all how I feel. I feel incredibly full. I can find beauty in the sadness. I can find HOPE in the ALONENESS. And my FAITH… my faith is strong. Our last day together was painful. I was completely drained but ALL IS GOOD. THE UNIVERSE IS GOOD TO ME ALWAYS AND in all WAYS. In licking my wounds my wings are healing. This butterfly is soaring. I still have much work to do and I realize I am not ready for a relationship. I am not done with me yet. So to that person thank you for coming into my life~ to that person thank you for being apart of my unfolding~

The word I'm meditating on today is, "Expansion" which basically means being open to natural growth. I'm going with the flow. Books are wonderful but how are we living our lives with the words we're fed? The difference between me then and me now is that now I am truly PATIENT. I know where to turn to for the answers. I can ask a question and WAIT patiently for the answer – I don't force it. I'm expanding!

I affirm: I allow myself to expand beyond where I am. I allow myself to expand beyond who I am. I am expanding into my full potential. I am unfolding into what I want to be. I am willing to risk losing everything – if I'm serious about getting anything.

Prayer: There is still some residue inside of me. Yesterday I was supposed to feel peaceful and open yet the day was met with anger and frustration. Today I release all of it. Today I make a conscious choice to choose another thought. Today I choose a different way of being. Today I release all that had me angry. I release all that brings me pain. I replace all feelings that have kept me incarcerated. I release all limited thoughts. I replace all those negative thoughts with the knowledge that I am an unlimited and limitless being. I know with certainty that I am beautiful, I am love, I am kind, I am truth, I am made in your likeness, I am compassionate, I am generous and I am gracious. I am wise, I am creative, I am peace, I am light, I am strength, I am faith, I am abundant, I am walking with every GOOD thing the Creator has given me. I am not afraid because my FORCE is at my side. I am not alone. I have an opportunity to begin again. Today is a fresh start. Yesterday is gone. Today I choose to see my day unfold the way I want it to be. Thank you for allowing me to wake up and greet another day. I know that I was born to answer this call and that through my writing I am healed and will heal others. And perhaps that thought scares me a little… the thought that I am responsible to write in a way that affects others… but I can release that fear. I do release that fear. I know that I control nothing. Allow me to be a vessel. Send the words through me that you would have me write. Reveal to me my path… thy will be done… and so it is~ Ache~ Let it be filled with love.


En un solo dia~

I was staying at a hotel near el parque colonial near el conde in the capital. It was my only night off while we were filming in DR. I would be meeting up with Renzo to continue working on AfroLatinos. We were there to film Santeria/21 Divisiones. It was the perfect time to be in Santo Domingo since September is when we celebrate el dia de San Miguel. We wanted to shoot palo dominicano.

I took a shower and was relaxing when I decided that maybe I should go out and see the nightlife in DR. Actually what I wanted was to hit a lesbian spot. So I researched gay clubs in DR and three names came up in my search. I wrote them all down. I got in the cab and asked the driver to take me to the first club.

When we arrived it was on this dark street near a colmado. It looked like it was in a house and it was kind of hidden. The building was black and there were no signs hanging outside of the club. There were some men standing in front. I wasn’t sure if I was even in the right spot. I asked the cab driver to wait for me so that I could check out the spot. I walked up to the men standing outside and asked them if this was the club de mujeres / the women’s club. I wasn’t sure how to even go about looking for a gay club in DR with all the homophobia that exists in Latin America the last thing I wanted was to get beat down. The men told me that it was in fact a gay club. I walked back to the cab and told him that I was going to stay but that he should come back for me in like an hour in case I wasn’t having a good time.

When I walked in I just looked around it was filled with beautiful Dominican women. There were omen dancing on the stage, women dancing together and women dancing alone. They were FINE, STUNNING and simply BEAUTIFUL! I was in heaven. I scanned the place and walked around to the other side of the bar. I sat on a stool and ordered a Presidente. As soon as the bartender placed the beer in front of me someone tapped my left shoulder. I turned around and she asked, “estas perdida?” she was wondering if I was lost.


I could not wait to give Mari my virginity. It was an innocent moment… that moment was SACRED. We were trembling. We were nervous. I felt her electricity with every touch. We released all fears and I gave myself over to her because I knew that she was treating this moment like the most precious jewel. I held nothing back. There were no inhibitions. My body responded to her in a way it had never responded to another human being and her body responded to me. Every single time we made love I cried. I felt like I was making love to one of the God’s. It was as if my body was made for her. I felt so blessed to receive her in that way. I felt so connected to her. When we made love for the first time it lasted fifteen hours. Hours that were filled with exploration, love, tenderness, honor, trust… the spiritual world was present. Our first time was a virgin love.

A virgin love~

When love begins… its beautiful
When love begins… its light
When love begins… it's a fairytale
When love begins… past loves no longer exists
But virgin love…
Aahhhh virgin love …
this love is…
Pure love
Innocent love
Unquestioning love
Trusting love
True love
Real love
Full of passion kind of love
Not caught up in the bullshit love
Lasting love
It's you and me love…
Untainted love
Loving you freely love
Without conditions love
I feel you inside me in a way I have never felt anyone LOVE
You the mirror image of me LOVE~
Ese momento when one gives themselves over and becomes ONE now that’s LOVE~

This is it... we are at the end of this campaign. ONLY A FEW MORE HOURS REMAIN~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

I am so grateful for everyone's support during this process. I am really excited about this next phase. I get to start designing the book cover and putting the finishing touches on my memoir. I will keep you posted on the progress. Thanks again to everyone for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Chapter 37: Everyday I am EXPANDING~


In the Alchemist, Paulo Coelho writes that there will be a point where we will want to give up on following our personal legend. There will be a point where it will be incredibly grueling, difficult, painful, unbearable and just plain HARD. These are the moments where we must believe. IT IS hard work and at that the exact moment when it hurts you press on. You’ve got two choices. You can do what you’ve always done and get the same results or take a risk and say fuck it, I’m gonna try it anyway and actually DO something NEW. Try something different. Go for it. FINISH IT and PRESS ON. PUSH YOURSELF. KEEP WALKING!

We get so used to doing what feels SAFE. We do what’s familiar. We do what we know. We do what people are used to us doing. We do the same thing everyday. When we do this we miss an important lesson. We miss out on NEWNESS of EVERY—DAY. We miss out on the moments that are meant to shape and transform us.

I am allowing my life to UNFOLD into what IT will become and not what I force it to become. The greatest understanding and gain for me, is that I know exactly what I came here to do. I feel myself changing. Today I started to think about my life and all the ways I’ve changed in the past 40 years. I went back to the days where I constantly needed to SEE proof that change was happening.

In my past I believed that I needed validation and recognition for the changes that were happening in me. I was always looking and desperately searching for that someone to come into my life and tell me how proud they were of me. But today I feel different. I am different person. I could spend MY LIFE resenting the people who fed me words that poisoned me trying to prove to them—who I AM. Or I can simply just be me and not worry about them.

I am no longer waiting for those people to tell me they SEE ME.

People are funny… they say they want the best for you. Some people get comfortable with the mediocrity of things. When we start to show THEM something different. When we start growing. When we get better. When those things that they believed about us are no longer the truth of who we are. When we stop accepting mediocrity people tend to become a tad bit uncomfortable and resentful about “THIS NEW CHANGE.” Some people WON’T like it. Our changes will make people uncomfortable because it’s like HOLDING A MIRROR UP and PEOPLE ARE RESISTANT. We are afraid to see who we really are. Today I look at my life and I notice the change in me. It’s a good change. I am in NO way perfect. I still mess up. But everyday I am expanding.


ONLY A FEW MORE HOURS REMAIN~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Chapter 34: Living an illusion~


My illusions…

I was reading a book titled: The Country Under My Skin, by Gioconda Belli and there was a line that jumped out of me, "My illusions of changing him into a happy man quickly evaporated. I was furious at the trap I found myself in—all because I had been so innocent, so romantic. In my terrible hurry to get on with life, I had married a man who longed to hide from it."

I went on to read, "It had never crossed my mind that a man could think he had the right to stop me from being who I was."

Mari wasn’t stopping me from being who I am. I understood though that my presence in her life could have altering affects on the person she was born to be. I started to wonder if we aligned. I started to question whether or not we served each other in the relationship. I began to question my place in our union.

What does it take for a relationship to work? What does it take for a relationship to last? I started to think about the illusion that we can somehow make our relationships into what we'd like them to be. We fall into this trap that we can somehow change people. I strongly believe that when we love people we want the best for them and see the best in them.

I could not get her to see the greatness that I saw in her. I had no interest in molding her into the woman I wanted her to be. I didn’t want to become that partner that constantly points out flaws. I did not want to fight with her about the place she was at in her life. It was her life to live. She was simply doing what someone her age does. Mari was learning. She was finding her force. I couldn’t give her that. I couldn’t show her how to do that.

You and I had a great conversation one day about me and dating. My old boss asked us when the last time was that I went on a date. He joked that I needed a woman who could take care of me. You both believed that I needed a woman who could provide for me. When he asked when the last time was that I went on a date, you responded, “Ask her when was the last time someone paid to take her on a date.”

You looked at me and said, “When was the last time someone bought you something?”

You were referring to the fact that I always paid for everything. My response was that I couldn’t remember the last time I was taken out but that I was less interested in that. I wasn’t looking for someone to pay my way or support me economically. I told you both that I rather focus my efforts on becoming the woman that I want to attract for me. I want to be the woman that I want first.

We come up with so many excuses for not becoming the people we are meant to be. Mari had so many complaints about how hard life was. She held onto all kinds of excuses for not being where she wanted to be. When I think about our life—the many “what if’s”. What if we didn't move to NYC? Would I still be a writer today? I could have spent so much time complaining about how fucked up my life had turned out or I could change all of that and create the world that we currently live in. I could have made all kinds of excuses for not taking the risk and following my path.

What I’ve learned was that I needed to be willing to lose everything if I was serious about having anything. This included being willing to lose friends, looking stupid, falling, failing and getting out of my own way. Mari was getting in her own way and it was affecting me and I certainly didn’t want to be another obstacle in her way. Her unwillingness to grow was starting to get in my way. In honoring her I needed to honor me. I needed to keep getting ready.


God was playing a joke on me. The Divine was messing with me. We think we’re ready. We think we’re in control. We believe that we know exactly how life is going to turn out. There is a moment when you’re just minding your own business and the universe throws you this curve ball that knocks you on your ass.

The NYCLWG had a performance at Camaradas on May 22nd 2010, NYC!!! It was a beautiful event with incredibly talented poets and performers. It was hard for me to hear everyone’s poetry because I was working the door. I was called to come up and perform. After I performed my Quien Eres Tu piece the last of the performers went up. I was taping the performances with a little camera, when this person started speaking.

The voice moved me literally I almost fell off the chair I was standing on. These words that I was hearing spoke of strength, pain, love, truth and courage. This spirit entered me with every word spoken. The piece was about a woman who had been molested, raped by her grandfather at a young age. I looked at Bloo and just gestured with my lips, “Who the fuck is this?”

No one has ever affected me that way. It was more than just the stories being shared and the beautiful poetry performed. There was a connection that only spirit could fill me with. I understood that I needed to pay attention to this blessing and gift standing before me. I knew that I was looking at God.

ONLY A FEW MORE HOURS REMAIN~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Chapter 38: Be Authentically YOU!

As we get to the end of this kickstarter campaign—only two days left I am reaching out to everyone I know and don’t to help me achieve this dream of publishing my first novel. I only need $1,100 and I meet my goal. I hope you will help me get there. Thank you to everyone who has contributed. Many Blessings~


Creador, thank you. Gracias a mis orishas, mis guías y protectores a mi derecha, mis angeles de la guardia. Thank you. For a while I didn’t know if I’d make it. I doubted that I would really get through it. So much was thrown at me at the same time. There were moments I didn’t believe I could get up and you creator, my force showed me the way. You showed me that I could. You showed me that I would get up. That I would not crumble. My force showed me that I would keep moving even with all the blows. I’ve been here before and will keep moving. I am so grateful for all the strength… for all the hard lessons… for all the pain… for all the love. I am grateful for your guidance and protection. I know that there is nothing I can’t get through. I know that for certain now. So I thank you. I am so full. I feel like life is changing for me. Thank you.


We were at dinner when something happened. After weeks of him proposing to me everyday, something changed between us. There was a shift. Things got serious. Over Indian food and a game of hangman I said yes. The car ride was like being in church, as he drove down Sunset Avenue; we talked about marriage and what we both found to be the foundation of that lasting love. We were sent to each other. We were good for one another. We made a promise to each other.


I began thinking about what I need for me and what I need to do. Will he be ok with me not being completely ME? Will I be ok with giving up a piece of ME? Can I give up who I’m meant to be? Is this the kind of partnership I want to be in? Will I be happy?
We were on the phone one night when he noted my hesitation in using the word FOREVER. I may not have been able to say forever but I knew that I wanted him in my life in a very real way—forever. I wanted to stay open to the love that we shared. Yesterday, I felt incredibly heavy so much so, that I felt emotionally drained. I was feeling the death of some part of me. I felt like even in this most beautiful LOVE that he and I share, it doesn’t matter how often I say I’m a lesbian or how often he acknowledges it. I am still with a man… a wonderfully beautiful man… are we kidding ourselves? Are we living in denial? The truth is that THIS love feels more real than anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s a mature love! It makes sense. It aligns with what I need (on most days) he has everything I need in someone who could be my companion. What is it that I want from him? What do I want for me? What am I willing to give up? What don’t I want to give up?

I wasn’t being honest with him or myself. I wanted so much to stay here with him believing that my search was over. I was convinced that finally, I met the person who was my equal. I believed that he could give me everything I needed. He was everything that I’ve been looking for in a partner. He is perfect. I stayed with him despite all the confusing moments we shared and he stayed with me through all of my pain. We stood together in love and confusion. I was standing in faith. It wasn’t the truth of who I am. I was pushing so much of me away that it was hurting me. Such an important part of me felt like it was dying. I started to feel like something was missing in my life. It was like I was searching for something. Is it meaning? Is it purpose? Is it love? Is it money? Is it sense of self? I was thinking about the person I once was. I was searching for me. Alicia was missing.


Creator, today I write you a very special letter of love in gratitude for all you have given me and the life I know that awaits me. I am so grateful for the gifts of LOVE that you have shown me. Thank you for the ability to give of my love and self… fully. Thank you for my ability to be vulnerable and allow all my pain to be revealed in love. I am grateful for all the healing that has come from all the LOVE I feel… a healing that truly has been from the inside out. Today I ask you to continue teaching me about love… to continue guiding me towards the mastery of love… to fill me with the kind of love that just pours out of me. I ask you to replace every lonely thought with all the LOVE promised to me… keep readying me… preparing me for the greatest LOVE I have ever known. Bring me the love reserved for me… the mirror image of me. Una persona que me ame locamente… que todos los dias le da gracias a dios que yo naci. Bring me a love like that ALICIA LOVE… complete… and so it is~


Happy 43rd Birthday: BE YOU Courtniana~ Be AUTHENTICALLY you! Truly BE the person you were born to be. Don’t become some idea of the person you should be. Don’t conform based on society’s rules. Fuck that! Be willing to grow… be true to you… be able to look stupid. Don’t aspire to be perfect – just be you. Dime con quien andas y te digo quien eres. Be careful who you keep around you—they will be seen as a reflection of you. Choose wisely! Being authentic holds a whole lot of power… it sounds simple and it is… when you're in the middle of feeling whatever it is you will go through… you will be tested to be true to who you are. And it might be lonely. So if being you means you need to drop some folks, it’s all good… go to our spot… our private spot…I'll meet you there. Always be you…DO YOU! Remember who you are – and where you come from. There is NO ONE LIKE YOU! No one else can do what you were born to do… You have no competition for what is meant for you.

ONLY TWO MORE DAYS~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Chapter 32: She was the Picasso painting mounted on our wall~


I was a walking fungus. It spread into all areas of my life and began to pollute me. The problem was that I wasn’t speaking up for myself. I wasn’t voicing what I needed and this fungus turned into an infection, which turned into rage and anger. I was angry because I didn’t check people who needed to be checked. What are the things that form me? What is it that I believe to be true about me? Why do I get nervous when I need to speak up on something? Why am I afraid to stand up for myself? I was replaying in mind all the ways I have stayed quiet. What have been the moments that have impacted me the most in my life? Sometimes you have to sit in the darkness and feel everything.

I am sitting in the darkness. It moves all around me and through me. Everything from my past has seeped into my body. Everyone I have met has impacted me. I was hearing stories about how women are treated and mistreated by men who say they love them. I was so angry that I had to sit back and watch as a school superintendent used a cowbell to summon his two secretaries so that they could bring him his water and turn on his computer. The rage completely filling me when I hear that a woman is asked if she has children during a job interview because if she does then that would disqualify her from getting the job. In most countries you’ll find in the classifieds an employer asking in an ad for someone with buena presencia and they also have to attach a photo to their resume. If you’re black you’re probably not going to get the job and if you’re a woman with coarse hair in the Dominican Republic you’re definitely not getting the job.

Racism… discrimination… It felt like my hands were tied. How was I going to stand up to all of these men, these institutions and these governments? I didn’t know what issue to work on first. I could hear Cielo’s whispers… You are not worthy of being heard… your opinion doesn’t matter… you will lose the job if you say anything. Just go along to get along.

You’ve got potential~

“There is an enormous potential in the human being, that it isn’t outlandish to say if we really wanted to fly, we could fly” ~Leo Buscaglia

I saw myself in her. That’s what I loved the most about Mari. I saw the Alicia in her that existed before the beatings, before the abuse, before the constant violations and moments of betrayal. She was the Picasso painting mounted on our wall. She is the Girl Before a Mirror, 1932 oil on canvas… we are the image in that painting… she and I standing in front of each other sharing dreams, wishes and hopes for our future. And there is no one telling us that we can’t achieve them. That’s what I see when I look at that painting. I see her smile… her softness… I see who she is.

I was madly in love with her and with the potential for our beautiful future. I saw a life full of happiness. There was a part of her that didn’t want to grow up and that was what I found most appealing. I felt like she hadn’t been tainted, soiled or beat up by the world. She hadn’t had too much bad shit happen yet that would change her perception of people. The world hadn’t yet screwed her over to the point where she could not put her trust in people. She still had so much living to do… so much growing to do. But I found comfort in that she was just as trusting in me as I was in her. I trusted her with my life. I met a little girl that I could play with and she wouldn’t hurt me. I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I wanted her to be my first. Can you keep a secret? I gave her my virginity.

When she and I made love it was like I had never been with a single partner male or female, before that moment. She was the definition of love that had been reserved for me. There was a combination of spiritual and physical connectivity when we were together. We became ONE! Each moment we were together I could feel myself enter her and she was entering me.

ONLY THREE MORE DAYS~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Monday, June 6, 2011

Chapter 35: What does a lesbian bring on a second date?


Max made me want to run and hide. I wanted to protect my inner child. She didn’t feel safe. What I needed at that point in my life was gentleness and understanding. During that time I was writing a lot about wanting to be a little girl. The little girl in me was afraid of the woman she was.
You’ve heard the joke: “What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”


“A U-Haul!”

While I was making arrangements for my trip out of the country Max had rushed her move date to be in NYC. Originally, she was scheduled to move in the fall of 2008 but decided she wanted to come sooner. I made it perfectly clear to her that I hoped she wasn’t coming to NYC for me because I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. I told her that I have not lived with anyone since divorcing your father and that I would not live with anyone until you were off to college. That’s just the way I was. I have always put you first.

I would be leaving for six months so I decided that I would allow her to move into our apartment. We would both do each other a favor. She would pay half the rent and the utilities. After thinking about it I decided that six months might be too long so I offered her three months because I knew I would be home in October and wanted our apartment back. I wanted you and I to be alone. She was upset about the change in plans. I did not want it to be an uncomfortable conversation about her finding somewhere to go while I was home—I was very serious about NOT LIVING TOGETHER.


July 2008

There is nothing better than arriving to your home after being away for so long. I had just come home from Mexico, Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic. Max was so excited to have me home. I walked into the house about 5:00am after flying all night.
She greeted me at the door, “I’ve missed you baby… don’t go to sleep. Lets’ have breakfast together before I go to work. How was your flight? Was it long?”

“I just want to rest Max.”

“No don’t sleep I want to spend time with you.”

I told her that I just wanted to sleep. I was so happy to be home in our sanctuary. I noticed that she had put some things up on my wall in the apartment. It felt like such an invasion of my space. It didn’t feel like home. I didn’t feel welcomed. It was not comfortable for me. The arrangement was supposed to be temporary. I remember not even taking off clothes that day.

That night when she got home from work she wanted to have this twelve-hour conversation about the status of our relationship, commitment and fidelity.

“I know you’re fucking your business partner Renzo,” she accused.

“Where did that even come from? What are you talking about Max?”

“I know you’re cheating on me. You’ve probably slept with men and women during your travels.”

“Max, I am too tired for this shit. I need to rest. Home is where I rejuvenate. This is my sacred space. I don’t need this. I wanted to come home and be filled with love. I am out there giving all of me in Latin America. I am working my ass off. I’ve told you - the moment that I decide to cheat that’s the moment I will end things with you. You won’t ever have to worry. I will call you and break up with you before I ever cheat.”


That night she accused me of being selfish. She went on and on about how I didn’t know how to be in relationship. She complained that I didn’t know how to be in a committed partnership. She called me narcissistic. She stormed out of the house that night. I think she thought I was going to run after her. I just pulled the covers over my head and went to sleep.


ONLY THREE MORE DAYS~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Chapter 16: Karma's a bitch~


September 10, 2006

There are consequences for every choice we make. After that intense summer finally ended I was in desperate need of healing. I needed to correct things. I needed to find my way back to me. I returned to my practice, yoga, morning pages, daily meditations and purchased more self help books. The Dancer was harassing me every single day. He would not stop calling me. I wanted to crawl into a shell and die. Karma’s a bitch! Karma implies that your actions determine your destiny. You reap what you sow. I will pay for it either in this life or in reincarnation. So for every fucked up thing I had done I believed I was being punished.

It was your freshman year of high school. I had been working at Businessweek only a few months. We were just getting back into our groove. You and I were at the hair salon when we got the call. I was in the middle of getting my hair washed when my cell rang.


Four months earlier~ May 20, 2006

Although my relationship with Gabriel was over I still was going through with my plans. Part of that plan was to meet Senator Barack Obama. We had only $500.00 to our name. I used every cent to get us to DC. I paid for our Amtrak tickets, we stayed at the Marriott Hotel, and we even had dinner at Ruth’s Chris. We went all out. We arrived to DC and immediately I took you to the pool. When we got back to our room I told you that I needed to prepare for my interview with Obama. I didn’t actually have an interview with him but I was going to try and get one.

The family was so upset with me for choosing to go to DC than attend Diamondz wedding. It was not an easy decision for me to make. I wanted to be at his wedding. I also wanted to make my dreams come true. We were so excited about this trip. The next day we would be attending a private “breakfast with the authors,” in a banquet hall at the convention center. Our tickets were $96 bucks each. Once there, we took our seats and waited with the hundreds of other people in attendance. My plan was simple, at the end of the book reading I would get in line and hand Obama an envelope with a formal request for an interview, as well as, a copy of the questions I would be asking. I was ready.

The event began. The applause stopped. They announce Senator Barack Obama to the podium to deliver the keynote address. He spoke for a few minutes and read an excerpt from his new book, Audacity of Hope. Once he was done, he said, “Thank you everyone. Enjoy the rest of your day.” Then he exited stage left. My mouth dropped, we weren’t sure if he left or just stepped outside to go to the bathroom. I looked at you in complete shock, “Baby, I think he left.” Even you said, “WHAT?” I sat there for a minute; my mind was all over the place. I was racing through everything I had done to prepare for this moment and in disbelief I asked myself, did he just leave?

I didn’t know what to do. My eyes got watery quick. I was so upset. I had NO interest in listening to any of the other authors that were there. I sat there in complete panic. Then a voice whispered to me… GET UP! Get up right now! Get up and walk out that door!

I gathered our things. All the free books, even our breakfast and said to you lets go. You were mortified. You knew that exiting like that would be completely disruptive and everyone would look at us. You were so embarrassed. “Mommy, we can’t leave. We have to stay. It would be rude.”

I looked at you and said, “I don’t give a shit. We did not come all the way for nothing. I used every cent we had. Even if I have to run up and down the streets of Washington. I am not leaving here without speaking to Barack Obama!”
We headed to the front of the banquet hall and exited from the same door Obama walked out of. As soon as we opened the door… there he was.

He was standing right there. There he was, Barack Obama and only a few other people. I just froze… you looked at me, smiled and said, “Alright momma, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Here is your chance… are you ready?”


ONLY FOUR MORE DAYS~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Saturday, June 4, 2011


In honor of the United Nations naming 2011 the year of Afrodescendents I wanted to honor the story of an AFROCUBANA.

For one night only check out award winning actress and star of Showtime’s hit series Dexter, Lauren Velez, in “They Call Me La Lupe.” The one-woman show was written by James Manos, Jr., the Emmy award winning writer of The Sopranos, and Luis Caballero and is directed by Veronica Caicedo. “They Call Me La Lupe” is playing in NYC for one night on Saturday, June 4, 2011 at 7:00pm at Hostos Center for the Arts and Culture, 450 Grand Concourse at 149th Street.

In “They Call Me La Lupe,” Velez takes us on a journey through La Lupe’s life from the launch of her career in Cuba to arriving to NYC. We travel into the world of Santeria and her fame with Fania Records. Then we spiral down with La Lupe through her failed relationships with men, when she breaks her back, her house catches fire and she becomes homeless.

Back in January I had the opportunity to speak with Lauren Velez after her performance at Teatro Latea. I attended two performances intentionally. I went to the opening and closing nights. I wanted to see how the play was born and its continued development as the weeks went on.

As I watched Lauren transform into La Lupe I could see where people might confuse her passion for singing to that of being possessed by some spirit. The amazing thing was that it felt as if the spirit of La Lupe came through Velez. People fear what they don’t understand. And what people don’t understand they want to destroy and get rid of.

Guadalupe Victoria Yolí Raymond, “La Lupe,” left Cuba and was discovered by Mongo Santa Maria and later would join Tito Puente. She became the Queen of Latin Soul. La Lupe was the first Latin woman to sing in Carnegie Hall. “They Call Me La Lupe” is a story of a woman’s “Strength of Spirit,” La Lupe would not take no for an answer! An important theme in the play is this idea of a woman rising to fame in a sea of men.

“The more he pulled the more I slipped away. Men are always afraid of women who have their own power.” Lauren Velez, in They Call Me La Lupe

AAS: Why is important for you to tell La Lupe’s story? Why now? Why is the story of an Afrolatina, an Afrocubana important?

LV: Because she contributed so much to Latino music. She changed it. She was a pioneer. She was the first woman to come here and rise in a male dominated field (before Celia) and for her not only to be a woman but an Afrocaribena was incredible and she was uniquely herself. This incredible force of nature—who was unapologetic and fierce and fearless. She was just a dynamo and they tried to squash her because she was so individualistic, so unique and people did not know what to do with her. La Lupe left us with an incredible legacy of music and spirit and people need to know and remember who La Lupe was.

Lauren did an amazing job transforming into La Lupe. She cared about the integrity of the story. When I spoke with director, Veronica Caicedo she told me, “I’ve been directing one person shows for a long time. You need a creative mind to build so many characters. The most important part is to connect the characters with La Lupe and so what Lauren does as she becomes these other characters must be determined – it needs to be clear for those transitions to work.” Lauren worked that stage. Her performance was fantastic. It felt personal to me. La Yiyiyi was present. There were moments I just watched in awe. I felt Lupe's pain, her strength, her joy of life. I wanted more.

AAS: How does her story affect you? Why are you the person to tell this story?

LV: I don’t know why but it comes out of me.

AAS: Is it a calling?

LV: Yes! You can say it’s a calling. I’ve always responded to her story to her. I come from a fierce tribe of women who are incredibly strong and to me La Lupe is just that spirit. She is the spirit of so many women that I grew up with and it just feels natural to me. It’s an inspiring story about somebody who comes from another country and makes such a success for themselves. Almost showing people--don’t let what happen to her– those people who tried to kill her spirit… happen to you. In the end she succeeded, in the end she kept going and she found herself, in the end she found God. She was really thrown down and dealt with a lot of evil.

Music changes La Lupe’s life and in many ways saves it. Lauren and I talked about negative energy and jealousy in the industry. When it seems like La Lupe is at her worst hour she gets up and walks with her two children in the streets of New York saying to herself “Yo soy la lupe, I am La Lupe, I am La Lupe.” She never forgets who she is.

AAA: What’s the one thing you want people to know about La Lupe? What’s the one thing from this show? What do you want people to leave with – to get right?

LV: That she was a warrior, a guerrera. That no matter what was going on in her life she was going to keep on fighting for what she believed in—honoring HER TRUE SELF.

This is a story of forgiveness, a search for self and peace found in the end. Despite all of the adversity La Lupe held on to her spirit, a spirit that still lives on today. That’s the point of the journey… it points you inwards. If you haven’t seen the play, bring it to your city. Let’s help Lauren Velez bring this play to Broadway. Let's help Lauren bring this story to the big screen!!!

Pictures courtesy of Nancy Arroyo-Ruffin

Peace, light and LOVE~

Chapter 23: She’s got a way about her~


May 2007

I wanted to throw you the most beautiful Quinceanera. You deserved one of those Sweet Fifteen’s that you see on TV where the big gift at the end is a brand new car. Your quince was such a special moment in our lives. It’s the moment when a little girl transitions into womanhood. Right before my eyes you were changing… your Tia Josie, abuelo and abuela helped pay for this beautiful event.

I wanted it to be the most special day for you. We invited over 100 people. All our family and friends came from several states. It took months to plan. We ordered these beautiful candles with butterflies as the gift we would hand out. There were sixteen candles that you would light and dedicate to several people in the family. You wrote out such a beautiful speech of gratitude and love to each of us.

The days that led up to your quince were stressful. You were studying for finals and would come to Businessweek every day after school to do your homework. You got into this heated debate with a coworker about quinces and debutant balls. You were joking with her but she didn’t like how outspoken you were and stormed off at the comment you made. I was busy on the phone so I don’t remember what you said to her but whatever it was it angered her so much that she wrote me an email.

She told me that I was raising a disrespectful daughter who didn’t know how to respect her elders. She continued to say that her interaction with you was a direct reflection of my parenting abilities or lack there of. What angered her was that I didn’t step in during the conversation or check you for having an opinion. You stood your ground and I didn’t need to jump in. What she didn’t know was that in our house everyone is equal and even the kids have important things to say. I have always respected your mind, your ideas and your opinions.

Your opinion is the one I value most in my life. You’re my go to—FIRST. I trust and value you. Well needless to say this woman was not feeling that. In her email she insulted us both. I remember coming home and sharing the email with you and we both cried. We were so angry at the hateful words she spewed in that email. We wanted to retaliate. You wanted to speak to her. And honestly I didn’t want to come into work and have to fight this woman. I am way passed all that shit.

This was a woman I considered a friend. We were both single mothers. We were both struggling. We both had dreams and shared them with one another. My intention for today is to surrender. I kept saying my intention to myself over and over and over and over again until I believed it. Through the tears - - I surrender. Through the anger - - I surrender. Through the rage - - I surrender. Through the hateful thoughts - - I surrender. So my intention for today is to surrender – to continue to walk in love.

She wrote in her email to us: "I can't see when the words I used bring tears to your eyes or cause your fists to come together."

You ask how your words affected me. As soon as I received the email in my inbox I felt it internally before even opening it. I didn’t want to read it because I could feel that it didn’t come from a loving place. It was filled with so much hatred and anger. I read the first two lines and stopped immediately.

You want to know what your words did to me. I was down for the count. The words felt like daggers aimed at my heart, mind and spirit. Fortunately, my heart will heal and my spirit remained untouched. But you’re sphere hit its target it went right through my chest. It entered my heart and exited through my back. I looked like an abused child curled up in a ball in my bed. I asked my Courtney to finish reading the words that were sent to me because I did not want to read them for myself. I was afraid - - afraid of what was to come. It took me right back to the days I was beat as a child. I felt like wounded animal. I felt every word. Your words hurt me, I cried, I got angry, and was full of rage. A few times I caught myself getting stuck on a statement wanting to retaliate. I had direct quotes imprinted in my brain that I wanted to come back to later and address. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to destroy you—an eye for an eye. So I affirmed… I surrender. I lifted the white flag… and surrendered... I kept repeating I SURRENDER as I read your words. I felt directly attacked and intentionally assaulted! I surrender! I call forth my strength and move forward. I surrender! Where ever I am, that's where my force is. I surrender! I breathe slowly, I release you and I surrender!

Words stick with us. The words that take the longest to heal are the ones that don’t come from love. When you grow up in a house that’s filled with anger, yelling, tension, anxiety and stress it can be hard to heal in that environment. You’re left with an overwhelming feeling of frustration, unhappiness, sadness and lack. You’re surrounded by people who fight for respect but do not give it. In this kind of environment it can be hard to expand and grow. When you’re surrounded by darkness and pain these kinds of relationships can be emotionally draining and abusive. The effects of this kind of upbringing can be difficult to release and last a lifetime.

Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Friday, June 3, 2011

Chapter 2: I promised you~


Our beginnings / Summer 1991

I remember the first time your abuela and I found out. We went to see this bruja in Providence, RI. The room was dark, candles lit everywhere. San Miguel hanging on the wall, images of unfamiliar saints were on the floor, and this older woman was dressed in a red and yellow robe. Her hair was wrapped and covered with a silk scarf. She was pulling on a cigar in one hand and a glass of rum in the other. There were two chairs in front of her table. As she was squinting her right eye she said, “tu sabes quien soy yo? Di si o no si me entiendes?” She crossed her arms in front of her body to shake my hand and asked us to sit down. As we were getting ready to put our asses on the chairs she said, “Congratulations!!!” I was like for what? She said, “ estas embarazada!!! You’re pregnant!!!” my mother just looked at me and said, “QUE… como fue?

It was so hot that day. I remember wearing a pretty spring dress with flowers. We were at your grandmother’s house. I bought a pregnancy test went into the bathroom pee’d on a stick. We waited the required three minutes… time was up and I walked into the bathroom. I picked up the stick and saw the pink plus sign. Your dad said, “What? What is it?”

I responded, “I’m pregnant!”

“What are we gonna do?” he asked.

“What are we gonna do? What AM I gonna do?”

We got married when I was two months pregnant. Ever since I was a little girl I never wanted to have child. I never wanted to be a mother. I vowed that I would never bring a baby into this world. I swore that I would never treat a child the way I was treated.

I always talked about how much I hated kids. Just the idea of being a mom scared the hell out of me. I considered having an abortion. Once abuela found out I was pregnant, thanks to that fucking bruja and her big mouth, suddenly, the catholic in her resurrected, nervously, she said, “tu papa nos va matar!!!” Mami was so scared that abuelo would kill us both.

“Mami, I don’t know if I want to keep the baby. I’m thinking about having an abortion. I’m not ready to be a mother.”

Abuela freaked out, “mi hija, no hagas eso, te puede hacer mucho dano. Es un pecado.

She kept telling me that I couldn’t do that. That having an abortion was a sin and a very dangerous procedure. She said it would stay with me forever. She told me that it would damage me. She was scaring the shit out of me.

There was that… and my own fears… God, I don’t want to fuck up this child the way I was fucked up. I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified of bringing you into a world that was so fucking horrible… there was violence, pedophiles, pornography, evil people, war, racism, discrimination and hate.

After praying on it for a few days I decided to keep you. I went forward with my pregnancy. You started to grow inside of me. I was feeling you near me. You came to me in my dreams. I read to you, sang to you… I gave you all kinds of junk food like pork and beans, hot dogs and loaves of Italian bread daily. The idea of motherhood started to grow on me and every time we were at my job while I typed you would kick me letting me know that you liked being around me. I made a decision right then and there that if I was going to go through with this then I would be ALL in.

So I made you a promise… I promised you that I would never hurt you the way I had been hurt. I promised you that I would never beat you. I promised you that I would never put my hands on you. I promised you that I would never hit you with a belt, radio cord, wet towel or throw objects at you. I promised you that I would never make you kneel in the corner on rice. I promised you that I would never lock you in a closet. I promised you that I would never raise my hand or fist to any part of your body. I promised you that I would always tell you the truth and I promised you that I would be a great mother to you.

May 27, 1992, was the day you gave birth to me. It was the day you arrived to save my life. I had no idea at the time that that would be the reason you were born—to save me.

Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Chapter 17: It felt like a safe place where I could be vulnerable


After our cousin died the entire family was depressed. It was the biggest blow. We didn’t just lose someone we loved. We lost a great father, friend, brother and son. It was a huge loss in the family and we all dealt with our grief in our own way. My way was through writing. I wrote a piece dedicated to him that I read at his burial. In it I described him as the most beautiful butterfly. After that day I only see butterfly’s as a confirmation that I am on the right path. When I visited DR for the first time with the documentary I was walking down the street and these beautiful yellow butterflies were flying in front of me. In Colombia, when I walked out of an office regarding my trip to Cuba a beautiful brown butterfly landed on my chest and just sat there for a while. Butterflies are so significant for me now. I look for them everywhere. He always fly’s with me.

When we lost him I tried to fill my time with so many things. I was so angry with the universe for taking him from us. I was so mad at God and the Goddesses. I didn’t understand why it was his time to leave us. I got back into my practice and returned to my prayers for understanding. I was so angry that he came to me in my dreams that night and told me not to cry that he needed me to be strong for his mother.

The day after he died we went to a 12-step meeting because I wanted to be in a sacred space of sharing. There was a woman crying who shared that her daughter beats her and that she snuck out of the house to attend the meeting. Other people talked about their addictions. I shared our story about LOSS and grief… that was the first time I cried over him.

I cried so much that night. When we left the church you said to me, “Momma, that better be the last time you go to one of those meetings. It made me so depressed.” You didn’t understand that some people feel so alone… that sometimes there is comfort in being around people who understand how you’re feeling. I’m sure the stories seemed horrible. But to me it felt like a safe place where I could be vulnerable… where there would be no judgments.

Happy 33rd Birthday: We can be so judgmental…but the word I offer you today is NONJUDGEMENT. I spent the better part of my life believing the judgments about me. When you judge someone your mind is closed to the potential of who a person truly is. You ignore what can truly be gained from an experience. When you enter all your moments free of judgment about a person or place you enter with clarity and your better able to see things and receive gifts that you might have missed had you remained closed. I was thinking about my childhood – all the criticisms I received they were truly judgments that people put on me that I took as truth. The things said to me were other people's perceptions and expectations of the kind of kid I was or the kind of woman I should be. For my parents it was judgments passed in order to control me and the judgments society placed on me were convinced that I would be a teenage statistic, with 12 kids living on welfare. People judged me based on those notions without even getting to know me. What I love about what I've given you is that I compare you to NO ONE – there is NO ONE like you. YOU ARE SPECIAL. I don't have a judgment about you because I am soooo incredibly open to the person you are becoming and who you are supposed to be. I know that I have often said, "There is a right way and a wrong way to do things.” Girl, just DO YOU! Your way is the right way… so work it out. Ok – so you're a hot mess… I ain’t judging…lol. I am deeply in love with you. So be you girl. I love you when your right and I love you when you're wrong. Try not to judge yourself or hold yourself to someone else's standards and definitely try not to judge others.


Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~