You want my life? SERIOUSLY~

You want my life? SERIOUSLY~

You THINK the grass is greener - - but you have NO idea~

I envy you~
I wish I had your life~
You're sooooo lucky~

Do they know what really makes me cry?
Do they know what scares me at night?
Do they know what it took to get here?
Do they know what it takes to stay here?
Do they know THE COST~ because everything has a price?

So you want my life?

What's so great about my life that makes you want it?
What do I have that you DON'T?

I've heard over the last few months many people say to me that they wish they had the adventure - - you want the adventure but not the work it takes to get it…

Yeah… people want the perks - - the good shit - - without working their asses for it… NOTHING COMES EASY… everything has a price… and I am NO DIFFERENT… I am constantly having to pay…

But do they know how I attained… every fucking thing that I have? Y ESO - - I've only just begun to reach everything that is coming to me…

Do they have ANY IDEA what the sacrifices are and have been - - that I have had to make and will continue to make to keep ALL that I have?

Do they know the work it took to live this adventure?

Do they think that it just fell in my lap?

Do they know how sick I was right before I went on this wonderful adventure? How I couldn't get out of bed for a week - - where I couldn't get up from my bed from terrible back pain, nausea and diarrhea… FEARING that LEAVING my DAUGHTER was the worst decision and might have irreparable damage in my relationship with MY daughter…

How could they possibly know that?

The decision to leave her to go work on a documentary was not without incredible pain - - not to mention what SHE my beautiful daughter has had to endure over the past 5 months – without her mother around…. While I am OUT having "an adventure?"

Do they know that I was hospitalized while on "this adventure" that on my return from Haiti I had a fever, parasites, infections in my uterus and liver??? Ill for three weeks straight - - and still managed to keep moving… to keep interviewing… to keep investigating for this doc I am working on…

How could they know?

BELIEVE ME… this blog is not a rant… this is not about anger… this is just to catch you guys up… and also to shed some light on how wonderful my life is… according to what outsiders may believe about this women's perfect life - - this is about the green grass in my yard – the grass under the rainbow that is my life - - the grass with the dead weeds that I have to pull out on a regular.

I am far from perfect~ It has not been easy - - even though it may seem that way… this shit ain't easy… its not supposed to be… this DIOSA falls and gets scraped and bleeds every now and again…

So you say… MAN I WOULD JUMP at the opportunity to travel - - you would die for this opportunity… that it's YOUR dream…

WOULD YOU JUMP?

REALLY….

Would you realllllllllllllly just JUMP???

And if you would just jump…

Why are you still standing on the ledge? Watching… waiting… is it for someone to just come along and push you off the ledge…

The grass isn't always greener… believe me…

One of my good friends said to me last night… "But you only share the good that goes on in your life how are we supposed to know what you're going through"

Yes my friends… even though I faced possible eviction from my apartment last week – for reasons that are ridiculously fucked up… an experience that cut my little adventure short so I could come home and handle my HANDLE - - I am still standing ready to jump off the ledge… because yes I LOVE MY LIFE… yes I know I am blessed… and it's a great life that I have… a life that I LIVE and WALK everyday KNOWING that ALL my choices are what bring the results that I am currently experiencing…

You still want my life?

Peace~

Don’t waste ANOTHER DAY~ there’s NO day but today...

Inspiration today is the musical RENT~

Don't waste ANOTHER DAY~

Friend… not ANOTHER DAY to waste…
Amiga… no se puede perder OTRO DIA…

ANOTHER DAY~

"The heart may freeze
or it can burn
the pain will EASE
if I can learn
there is NO future
there is NO past
I live this moment as my last
Theres only US
Theres only THIS
Forget regret for life is YOURS to miss
No other road
No other way
NO DAY BUT TODAY…"

La vida es una… life is ONE
Don't live your life with regrets…
No pierdes tiempo… manana no esta prometido…
YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISS…
Live each moment…. Tomorrow is not promised…
Be who you are meant to be…
Live life how you are meant to live it…

Yeah its scary… the unknown… no le tengas miedo ha lo desconocido…
No vives tu vida arepentida…

Estoy ha tu lado…

Peace~

Poprocks & Coke~

You know I'll be there.....

Daughter.... THANK YOU... for always being there...

I'll see you there...

baby girl.... thank you for supporting me always...

thank you for loving me....

baby THANK YOU FOR BEING SOOOOOOOOOO STRONG...

I know this shit is hard for YOU... please carry me with you...

I GOT YOU GIRL.... and thank you for always having my back...

and dont let them FUCK WITH YOU... take time for yourself... those mofos are crazy YOU AND I are the only sane ones left in the world...

and if u in the sandwich shop....

KNOW THAT I'll BE THERE FOR YOU...

i love you...

ps... i heard the entire donnas cd today.... IT WAS GOOD... what should i listen to next?

UN AMOR VIRGEN: A virgin love~

A VIRGIN LOVE~ Para la chiquitica...

UN AMOR VIRGEN: A virgin love~

When love begins… its beautiful

When love begins… its light

When love begins… it's a fairytale

When love begins… past loves no longer exists

There's failed love

There's fake love

Even unsure love

There's closed love

There's distrustful love


Is this really loving?

Is this really LOVE?


Then there's virgin love…

a virgin love…

this love is…

Pure love

Innocent love

Unquestioning love

Trusting love

True love

Real love

Full of passion kind of love

Not caught up in the bullshit love

Lasting love

It's you and me love…

Untainted love

Loving freely

Without conditions

I feel you inside me in a way I have never felt anyone

You the mirror image of me LOVE~


I am soooooo not a poet… its not my thing… but what inspired the words I wrote above… is a conversation I had con mi amiga… about losing ones virginity… so I thought about the ways I have given, shared and received love and found myself comparing it to giving up your virginity…

That moment – ESE MOMENTO~

That one gives themselves over – QUE UNO SE ENTREGA~

To that special person – HA ESA PERSONA~

That moment we give ourselves completely OVER to love… to loving someone… no questions asked… and without questioning… ESE MOMENTO QUE NOS ENTREGAMOS COMPLETAMENTE AL AMOR… QUE AMAMOS HA ALGUIEN…SIN PREGUNTAR… Y SIN PREGUNTARNOS…

That moment is much like that moment we give our bodies to that first time… we trust the person… we chose them… we surrender completely… its pure… its innocent… we're scared… its SACRED… we have a moment of doubt… but we give it up… ESE MOMENTO ES IGUAL COMO ENTREGAR NUESTROS CUERPOS POR PRIMERA VEZ… QUE CONFIAMO EN ESA PERSONA COMPLETAMENTE… PERO ESCOJIMOS ESA PERSONA… Y NOS ENTREGAMOS… ES PURO… INOCENTE… SENTIMOS MIEDO… ESE MOMENTO ES ALGO SAGRADO… HAY MOMENTOS DE DUDA… PERO NOS ENTREGAMOS…


What was giving up my virginity like for me?


I guess then I believed I was INLOVE and that THAT PERSON WAS THE ONE… that person and me 4eva. My first time was not enjoyable in fact it was quite terrible… its NOT just that that person wasn't worthy of having me… its that HE didn't value me… he didn't see me as pure… he saw me as a piece of ass. He saw me as a conquest.. HE DIDN'T REALLY SEE ME…

QUE YO SENTIA CUANDO PERDI MI VIRGINIDAD POR PRIMERA VEZ… BUENO YO PENSE QUE YO ESTABA ENAMORADA… QUE ESA PERSONA ERA EL UNICO PARA MI… QUE ERA POR SIEMPRE… ESA PRIMERA VEZ FUE TERRIBLE… NO SOLAMENTE PORQUE EL NO ME MERECIA… FUE QUE NO ME VALORO… NO VIO LO PURO QUE ERA MI AMOR… HE SAW ME LIKE A PIECE OF ASS… NO SE COMO SE DICE EN DOMINICAN… J ME VIO COMO UNA CONQUISTA… Y NUNCA ME VIO – LA PERSONA QUE YO SOY…

On the flip… I saw the act of giving it up as a way I would show him that I LOVED him… so in that moment I not only gave it up… I gave him that pure LOVE that I possessed… that innocent love. I think for the most part we hold on to love much like a virgin holds onto her virginity… waiting for the perfect person to give it ALL to… Y POR EL OTRO LADO… YO LO VI COMO LA MANERA MEJOR DE ESPRESSAR QUE YO LO AMABA… SO EN ESE MOMENTO YO NO SOLAMENTE LE DI MI VIRGINIDAD… YO LE DI ESE AMOR PURO QUE YO POSEO… ESE AMOR INOCENTE… YO CREO QUE POR UN LADO NOSOTROS AGUANTAMOS EL AMOR… NO NOS GUSTA ENTREGARSELO TAN LIBREMENTE COMO LOS VIRGINES NO LE DAN SU VIRGINIDAD A CUALQUIER PERSONA… ESPERANDO QUE LLEGE LA PERSONA PERFECTA PARA ENTREGARSE EN COMPLETO…

Y cuando llegue ese momento… me voy entregar en completo, sin tabues, sin verguenzas, sin preguntas, SIMPLEMENTE SENTIR, SENTIR Y SEGUIR SINTIENDO, ENTREGARME SOLO ENTREGARME…

I can't wait to lose my virginity... mas y mas..

Peace~

Vida Afro Latina.com Article

Here’s a story recently published on our project:

http://vidaafrolatina.com/A_Colombian-Dominican_Co.html

Peace~

Breaking Up Is HARD to do~ ES DURO~

Today I am feeling some pretty incredible VIBES… I am receiving an incredible flow of love, strength and good wishes. My body feels strong… my heart is full… I feel ready… blessed… HAPPY… CRAZY HAPPY… READY to continue getting ready. I am on an amazing journey right now and want to experience every GOOD thing that comes my way.

I am more patient TODAY than I have been lately~

On this journey…I have met so many wonderful people… I have heard stories, shared food, seen views that are heaven like~ so surreal~

It wasn't easy:

Calling it quits was not easy…
It's never easy to do…
But in honoring me – I honor you~
If you think I'm gonna blog about us~ I WON'T
If you think I blame YOU~ I DON'T
What we had was OURS
What I gave~ is YOURS
What I received~ I WILL CHERISH
I'm grateful
Thankful
You arrived~

TODAY IS A NEW DAY~

I am grateful I can still be LIGHT after a break up~

What tends to happen during a break up - - or what has happened to me in the past is that I allow my self to FALL APART… I become paralyzed. I lose focus, my footing, I lose track of ALL THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME - - I allow the sadness to consume me.


But not this time~ TODAY I AM A BUTTERFLY~

This time yes there were tears… yes there was sadness… yes there is something missing… that something special – that SOMEONE SPECIAL… HER VOICE~ HER EYES~

That someone you wake up thinking about – AND THEY ARE THE FIRST PERSON THAT COMES TO MIND – THE FIRST CALL YOU WANNA MAKE - - THE FIRST VOICE YOU WANNA HEAR.

Its wonderful to love that way… so when the relationship ends - - sometimes we are LEFT… with ALL THAT FEELING and we don't know where to put it. We don't know what to do with ourselves. We don't know what we'll do without them. We feel like we have nothing without that person. That somehow when they LEAVE – they take the LOVE with them… that's not the case… while something is missing… the love I have – the love I gave - - is STILL INTACT… is still at HOME~

Do I feel empty?
Do I feel broken?
Do I feel lost?

NOT TODAY… that's not at all how I feel. I feel incredibly full. I can find beauty in the sadness. I can find HOPE in the ALONENESS… and I my FAITH… my faith is strong.

LAST WEEK WAS HARD… I was in a lot of pain… I was completely drained - - and eventually when I post those videos you see how much like shit I really looked ☺ but ALL IS GOOD… THE UNIVERSE IS GOOD TO ME… ALWAYS AND ALWAYS…

In licking my wounds…my wings are healing… this butterfly is soaring… I still have much work to do and I realize I am not ready for a relationship. I am not done with me yet…

So to that person… thank you for coming into my life~

To that person… I thank you for being apart of my unfolding~

Thank you for being apart of my learning~

Thank you~

I will continue to get ready~

I found this in an old blog I wrote: "Personal Legend Pt. 4: The Unfolding"
This is how I feel today… like I have always known what I want… I may not always know how I'm gonna get there… but I always believe all I desire will be mine. My life unfolds right on time – EVERY TIME~


Peace~

Life interrupted!

In this moment I feel:
Scattered
All over the place, but nowhere in particular
Calm
Quiet
Lost in my head
Scared
Worried
Sick to my stomach

I’ve wanted to write something, anything, for a while but have had nothing to say…

So a freewrite…

What is it that I’m most afraid of?

FAILING

Failing my daughter
Failing my family
Failing myself
Failing my friends
Failing at life

What is it that I’m worried about?

Doing the right thing…

OK for the people who read my blogs… its time for me to finally share what’s going in my life…

I have been invited to work on a documentary that will take me out of the country for six months. This is truly a dream come true - - for those of you who know what my novel is about you will understand why. The book I am writing is heavy on Latino America and all that we are REALLY about (not how the media portrays us) our history, our people, our culture, our politics and our love for our individual countries…

I just got back Monday night from visiting my family in Florida (saying my goodbyes to mami, papi, my sisters Yoslaida y Fabiana and my little niece/puppy Cocola) and something my father said to me made me smile… I was interviewing my parents in preparation for my travels to Latin America (a practice interview solely in Spanish) I asked him about his experience when he arrived to the U.S. - - wondering if he ever felt that he needed to lose his language or culture when he got here and he said… “on the outside of the front door of our house – all that’s America - - when I walk in that door everything that surrounds these four walls is the Dominican Republic” we Dominicans are a very proud people… as are most Latino’s (those who are not trying to deny their roots).

So the work I do and the things I TRULY want to spend my life writing about are telling stories about the people and history that make me - - ME. And for me that has everything to do with being a Dominican girl born in the United States…but my book honors all the people that where left behind when our families decided to try to make a better life for themselves here~ So here I am - - about to embark on what I can only imagine will be ONE OF THEEEEE best moments and experiences of my life. To be able to travel to 13 countries throughout Latino America and be able to hear their stories - - there’s just NO WORDS to describe what that feels like because it’s still so unbelievable to me. And I leave in less than 3 weeks…

However, I do have words for how my body has been feeling:

I feel like shit
Muscle spasms that kept me in bed for a week when I got back from California two weeks ago…
I had a horrible back pain where I couldn’t even dress myself and it only went away while I was in FLA with my peeps…
My stomach has been upset almost everyday…
I don’t feel strong.
My body feels weak…
I definitely need a cleansing/detox/personal trainer to get me in shape… I feel so off… when I need to be ON~

There’s so much to do and I’m not sure where to start…

My daughter and her living arrangements while I’m gone has me stressed~
Leaving the finances in order~
Preparing for the trip~

And those are just a few things from the LONG list of things that must be done in two weeks…

I feel blocked…

I keep hearing myself saying… just keep moving – just keep moving… keep getting ready Alicia… what’s happening in my life right now is a blessing an incredible gift and opportunity… why am I afraid?

How do we get unblocked?
How do we handle interruptions?
How do we know when we’re doing the RIGHT THING?

Peace~

Mastery of LOVE pt. 1: You can’t break me~

I can’t be broken~
You can’t break my spirit~
At the core of me I am love~
Love always reminds me of who I am~

How do you deal with people, events, and emails that “F’g” mess with your core - - threaten your peace… that attempt to break you?

It’s those things that come in and try to take you off your path.

Those unexpected/unwelcome out of the blue texts from people you have no relationship with and haven’t heard from in ages…

It always happens this way… I wake up feeling wonderful, powerful, full of love and completely happy. My spirit is solid and after meditation and yoga I am READY to start the day… full of life…

Then I WAKE UP to an email… that utterly pisses me the “f” off…

From someone who is in their own space and place in their life and who decided that on that particular day little ‘ol me became a thought of the day.

Has this ever happened to you? You’re going about your business and BAM an email from someone you never expected would email you? Like the guy you went on a date with in January who decides he wants to call you in June to call you a stuck up “b” for not wanting to give him a second date…

Some people hold onto things for the right moment to let us have it.

We never really know what their motivation is - - or why they send their messages out… but they however DO KNOW WHY…

THEY KNOW exactly why it is they do what they do. They know exactly the result and response they’re looking for.

From journal… word I meditated on June 2nd FORGIVENESS~

“We mistake our experiences particularly bad experiences to be indicators of who we are and what we deserve even when we know we deserve better, we mistake our experiences for obstacles that can keep us from experiencing more. It is our beliefs mistaken or otherwise that ultimately determine what we will do or be in life.” – Iyanla

Why can’t we reverse this form of thinking… if my bad experiences are the indicators of who I am then why can’t I do the same with the good that comes??? When our relationships are going beautifully - - the light hasn’t gotten shut off - - when things at work are going great - - when things seem to be going beautifully - - when we’re receiving an abundance of all that’s good and the blessings keep pouring in. Why aren’t these also indicators of who we are and what we deserve… if I look at all the good I have – why shouldn’t I be happy about it?

What do I believe to be the truth about my life?
What do I believe to be at my core?

So while I’m on vacation just starting the day - - minding my business not thinking about anything but showing my daughter a good time - - I never saw the attack coming….

Love thy enemy… (These words came to mind as I was writing today)

Word I meditated on today – ANGER…

Forgiveness & Anger… how do these words work together? How do I apply these words in my life? Especially when I want to stay angry and NOT forgive~

While I was away last week I received a series of disgusting, hateful, hurt-filled, harassing and UNLOVING emails from someone who once was someone significant in my life - - she was once my FRIEND and confidant. We were like sisters… But the ties were severed during a falling out last spring - - she’s the person I wrote about in
Letter 9: Broken Girl~

(http://findingyourforce.blogspot.com/2007/12/letter-9-broken-girl.html)

We met at work and instantly clicked.
We hung together tight.
We got breakfast together almost daily and had lunch together all the time.
We even shared our family gatherings.

All was cool until THE “disconnect” she went her way and I went mine… I never heard from her again.

I attempted to reach out to her to see how she was feeling I wanted to try and salvage some form of our relationship – but she made it crystal clear that she wasn’t interested.

So I’ve moved on with my life… but unfortunately she hasn’t left mine. After she walked off the job over 10 months ago (and I was moved into her position) I haven’t heard a peep from her since. We have NOT kept in touch. We both moved on – or so I thought…

About a month ago I began hearing her name in the air again… and one day I received a call from her… out of the blue… I almost fell off my chair… she acted like we were best friends that had just spoken yesterday. I was in shock for REAL~ after she spent the entire conversation updating me on her life (and not once asking how I was doing or how my daughter was) I finally asked her what I could do for her… I wanted to know what she needed… she needed a favor…

Bottom line - - I told her I was uncomfortable, we haven’t spoken - - and that I needed to think about it… (I should have just said NO right off the bat).

Her last words to me were “OK I understand, if that’s how you feel - - I’m sure my number showed up on your caller ID - - if I don’t hear from you by tonight I’ll take that as a NO” (PERFECT: I was off the hook - - I knew I wouldn’t be calling her back that night… there was no reason to… it was a NO to her request.)

So I went about my business… continued living my life and at that point I was about to close shop at work - - I was days away from leaving my job and had much to focus on, too much to do and lots on my plate.

Fast forward…

I’m done with my job, trained my replacement, cleaned out my stuff - - said my goodbyes – I received a wonderful sendoff. And my last day arrived… I was gone… and the very next day my daughter and I were off to California (yay us).

I read today that I should honor what I FEEL… so I am honoring that I was PISS’T to receive her texts… How dare she write me! I wanted to say… get my name out ur mouth… stay out of my business… The TRUTH about me receiving those words was that my spirit was shaken a little bit and THAT MADE me angry…

So two days later while in cali… here’s what I received via text:

Text 1
“Oh BTW, I got that job u didn't want to give me a ref for. Good thing
I'm blessed w/a great track record. The job is fabulous and paying High 5 figures. So thanks, cuz God blessed me anyway cuz he saw the devil at work.”

Text 2
“Good Luck. Karma is a Bitch! Hopefully, things work out for u as they
did for me. But I knew mine would because I get back what I put out. I'm highly favored and blessed. Be Blessed.”

Text 3
“Heard ur not at BW anymore. Well, if it wasn't for my illness u wouldn't have been there this long. Oh yeah, betcha didn't know that. So ur welcome. Job market is tough.... Hope u got a new job lined up.”

Its NO coincidence that my word for today is ANGER… and that what I read this morning kept reminding me to HONOR when I am feeling angry… that it is quite OK for me to be a spiritual being and get angry… that its how I choose to deal with that anger that’s important.

I guess what infuriated me about those texts… is the idea that SOMEONE/ANYONE thinks they are capable of TAKING my power away (and in being angry - - it’s like I believe they actually can take it). And that’s not gonna work… I don’t get down like that…

“You are never angry for the reason you think you are” – Course in Miracles…

I must admit that those text plus some emails I received this week made me angry. Mostly because I allowed the words I READ to have an AFFECT on me. (Spiritually I know can’t be touched and on a deeper level I know the words ain’t TRUE) but on a more earthly level - - and in being REAL… I was heated and took the words personally as if what was said about ME to ME was true. And of course I wanted to swing back~

Then I read again: “The worse people act the greater is their need for healing” – Iyanla

So while I was reading… I wrote the question to myself:

What about the texts got me so angry?

It was words like: Karma, devil… and just the ugliness displayed to me through the language… its what I read between the lines… it’s where I went personally - - going back to my past. The words make me question MYSELF - - and me thinking what could I have done to attract that?

“The things that evoke emotions from you today are EXPRESSIONS of the same things that evoked these emotions the first time you experiences them” – Iyanla

Reading that today was so helpful… because it really has nothing to do with the texts… more than it has to do with hateful words I’ve heard in the past that were intended to make me feel bad. Or words that I took on as truth… the words I believed about me… words that I internalized… words that others said to me that for years I continued to punish myself with…

I’m DONE with THAT… nothing that was written in that text or any email was TRUE… nothing in the words written is about ME~

YOU CAN’T BREAK ME~

“We are responding to meanings and judgments we attach to the experiences, and it is our JUDGEMENTS that create imbalances in our mental and emotional energy.” - Iyanla

Do I believe that I am the devil? NO~

So me NOT acknowledging this persons harassing texts… and just RELEASING IT…. surrendering… FORGIVING (this shit is hard folks) deleting the texts finally…and loving myself through the ANGER - - is a healthy way for me to HEAL and DEAL with whatever comes my way.

From my meditation…I must remember…

What I am feeling… this anger… is TEMPORARY… and being angry is perfectly acceptable…
WORDS can not hurt me…
All things bring me closer to healing…
I can choose what I feel about all my experiences…

"LOVE will heal anything that is not an expression of LOVE…" - Iyanla

What do I believe to be the truth about my life? Its peace filled and I am blessed and I deserve happiness… I AM HAPPY~ the next time something unexpected happens… how will I always respond? With LOVE~ I am on a journey to MASTER LOVE…
What do I believe to be at my core? LOVE~ LOVE~ LOVE~

What do you believe to be the truth about your life?
What do you believe to be at your core?
How do you deal with things that threaten to break you?

Peace~

Running for my life~

It happened on the train…
It always happens on the train…
The train is where I have the most important conversations with myself about myself…

Today the conversation was screaming LOUD at me… so much so that my heart is racing.

How much do I know about this person?
Can I trust this person?
How do I know they have good intentions?
Is it about this person or is it about me?

I'm thinking about all of the people I have recently met~
I'm thinking about decisions I MUST make~
I'm thinking about ALL that I have to get done in such a short time~

Was I running away from something or running towards something?

I'm filled with this overwhelming feeling of doubt… worry… concern… like I'm about to lose something…

I dreamt a lot last night but don't remember all the details… one dream was about my daughter in college… she was happy… and the other dream was me running – leaping – I even jumped over a balcony down like several flights of stairs – and wasn't injured – on some Bionic Woman shit… it was like someone was trying to hurt me… am I fighting for my life right now. Should I worry?

I'm scared today~

I was asked today: "Are you worried about YOU or someone else?"

Am I worried for me or someone else?

I need to shift my focus…

Here's where I'm at today…

If anyone knows anything about dream interpretation - - what does running mean?

Are you running towards something or away from something?

Peace~

Dedicated to the haters~

I just received one of those emails from a dear friend - - where you're supposed to send it to 10 to 150 people in your life … I decided to re-post it as a blog… its just THAT GOOD~

Dedicated to the haters:


Hater by Maya Angelou


What Exactly Is A 'Hater'?

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall.

They are very negative people to say the least.

Nothing is ever good enough!

When you make your mark, you will always attract some haters...

That's why you have to be careful with whom you share your blessings and your dreams,
because some folk can't handle seeing you blessed...

It's dangerous to be like somebody else...

If God wanted you to be like somebody else, He would have given you what He gave them! Right?

You never know what people have gone through to get what they have...

The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story...

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can rest assured that the water bill is higher there too!

We've all got some haters among us!

Some people envy you because you can:

Have a relationship with God

Light up a room when you walk in

Start your own business

Tell a man / woman to hit the curb (if he / she isn't about the right thing)

Raise your children without both parents being in the home

Haters can't stand to see you happy

Haters will never want to see you succeed

Haters never want you to get the victory

Most of our haters are people who are supposed to be on our side.

How do you handle your undercover haters?

You can handle these haters by:
1. Knowing who you are & who your true friends are *(VERY IMPORTANT!!)
2. Having a purpose to your life. Purpose does not mean having a job. You can have a job and still be unfulfilled. A purpose is having a clear sense of what God has called you to be. Your purpose is not defined by what others think about you.
3. By remembering what you have is by divine prerogative and not human manipulation. Fulfill your dreams! You only have one life to live...when it's your time to leave this earth, you 'want' to be able to say, 'I've lived my life and fulfilled 'my' dreams...

Now I'm ready to go HOME! Maya Angelou


How do YOU handle haters? Are YOU a hater?

Ok – so I feel that if I put those questions out there… I have an obligation to answer it as well. YES I can admit that I have been guilty of hating on others… I ain't gonna lie… I used to hate on JLO… and quite honestly what I discovered that those skills that I liked to convince myself that she didn't possess are precisely the characteristics I wanted to have for myself…

What she has that I didn't have:

Confidence: First of all… she believes in her self… followed her dreams… lives with passion and gets shit DONE… PERIOD – we don't gotta like her… but hell yeah I respect her.

Success: she got that shit down… what ever she touches turns to gold… even if a film bombs… she still moves on… she's still making that paper.

Perseverance, motivation, faith, endurance, and strength - - ALL of that~ she has it, lives it, breathe it… and I wanted it for myself… so at some point in my life… I needed to stop talking shit about her… and doing what I was BORN to do.

How do I handle haters?

I don't know that I have an answer for that. I am very trusting… and am guilty of being a tad bit gullible. I believe that people step to me with the same love I bring and that's not always the case. Do I have people around me who are haters? Probably… my daughter can definitely answer that question better than me…. My glasses tend to be a little foggy… I'm getting better at deciphering who's good for me and who isn't.

How do YOU handle haters?
Are YOU a hater?

Peace~


PS. And these days I'm hating on Junot Diaz… I want a Pulitzer~ I'm joking I ain't hating on the brother… but that's that standard of writing I'm aiming for~

Passion~

PASSION.... thats a word that sits with me today...
living with...
possessing it...
sharing it...
walking it...

this shit cant dwindle...
passion is what takes us forward...

I had a conversation last night with someone about passion and she said "I've never had romance" then she moved to "he lacks passion" and she also added "he told once that passion goes away." We talked about PASSION as it pertains to keeping a relationship going. WE can apply the theory to every area of our lives.

Where do we find our passion?
How do we feed this passion?
When do we lose our passion?

In LOVE - I am very passionate... I love romance, I love notes, cards, letters, poems, shared music, watching movies, love making, great food, conversation... IN LOVE... how you got me is how you KEEP me. So if the person in my life does all these amazing things in the beginning that ARE what lured me - - that are the things that add spice to our live... and then all of sudden all of if just STOPS... I can see why I would wonder...

WHERE DID THE PASSION GO?
Was it all an act?
Were the things done in the beginning merely done to SCORE with me?
Were they just to get me in bed?

HOW DO YOU INTEND TO KEEP ME?
How do we intend to keep our passion ALIVE?

Where's the passion?

I don't EXPECT that every day lived in my life will be lived with the high energy that going at things with PASSION demands... but I don't expect passion to DIE~

I don't ever want PASSION to be removed from the equation...

In WRITING - I am very passionate... I love putting words to the page... with my PASSION for writing an idea can enter my head and not let me rest... there's an urgency that is felt with my passion for writing - my passion for subjects I write about - THIS is an area in my life I always want to be passionate about - - and when the levels of energy and passion dwindle - - or the flame seems to be dying down... I will always look for ways to feed myself - - to feed this area.

Its about keeping the PASSION alive~ How do we do this?

Are you passionate?
Where do we find our passion?
How do we feed this passion?
When do we lose our passion?
How do you keep the passion alive?
What are you passionate about?


Peace~

"For the Love of Freedom" a Puerto Rican VOICE~

My interview with Melissa Montero, emerging filmmaker…

When I told a friend that I was writing a novel about women who start a revolution, he immediately told me about a young woman who was working on a film about real life revolutionary heroes.

The moment I saw the clip of the documentary, I knew her name would be one to remember.

Melissa Montero, aspiring Latina filmmaker, lives in Queens, New York and is of Puerto Rican and Ecuadorian heritage. She arrived to my home for the interview and my first impression was that she seemed shy, though once she started to speak; I knew she was a force to be reckoned with.

She's incredibly knowledgeable and passionate about social and political issues, particularly the inclusion of women in history. She stressed the importance of sharing knowledge about significant roles women have played in Puerto Rican history.

The working title for her latest project is "Our Women, Our Struggle."

Melissa shared that her biggest influences are her parents and grandparents because they kept the culture so alive in her family. She recalled being sent with her brother and sister to Puerto Rico every summer. Other major influences are the women in her documentary as well as, Don Pedro Albizu Campos and Esperanza Martel, a life long political activist in the community, who she considers to be a mom, mentor and major influence.

Exposure to the specific women in her film wasn't until her college experience where she says: "it's where my political transformation started."

However, she remembers being very passionate about injustice even in elementary school, saying, "I was always against injustice, I remember having similar views, but it was in college where I really became more radical."

"Our Women, Our Struggle" will be a compelling hour-long documentary that chronicles the lives of three Puerto Rican revolutionaries who dedicated their lives to the independence movement. They were women who fought to end social injustice. The documentary is based on the lives of Isabel Rosado, a 98 year-old member of the Puerto Rican Nationalist Party, Lolita Lebron, long time Nationalist, now in her eighties, and Dylcia Pagan, former member of the defunct Fuerzas Armadas de Liberacion Nacional (FALN).

Melissa is extremely proud of this project, telling me that what she hopes to achieve is basically telling their story – "a story told through their eyes." She wants the public to learn about the legacies these dynamic women have left, by having the stories told in their voices.

About the women and the film, she tells me, "they're each very interesting, conflicted and complex" but that it's also a love story… "It's a love story between these women and the island of Puerto Rico, a love for their nation."

Melissa shares her impressions of the three women: the first is Dona Isabelita. Melissa says "There really isn't much on her that can be found. There's nothing on her role in the independence movement or her life. I felt an urgency to do this - - people are starting to pass away."

She stressed the importance of gathering the facts of our history before the elders are gone - - elders who hold the key to our past, which are necessary, for us to unlock the doors to our future. Melissa really loved her time with Dona Isabelita saying that, "she reminds me of my great grandmother who past away when I was five. So strong, so open, such great personality. She told me a story about going to her house last summer. "Her hands are really strong, she has a real strong grip it felt painful when she shook my hand and Dona was laughing – I was like OMG – she's 99."

On Lolita, she says, "here's another great woman with a strong character. These are all women who are warriors and fighters." Melissa told me that Lolita is very sweet and that what she loves most about her is "that after all these years and through her transformation… her stand on Puerto Rico has not changed" that even in 2000 she got arrested for civil disobedience for Vieques.

When she told me about Dylcia, she shared how much fun she had with her. She brought Dylcia to her university to speak to the students and they ended up hanging out one night until 3:00am. "These women invite everyone to their homes, are accessible to the community and they are phenomenal women."

We talked about why she feels this is an important story to tell.

"When I started to really learn about the Puerto Rican independence movement, I read more about the contributions of men, which of course included the great Don Pedro who is one of the most prominent leaders and one of my heroes."

She respects and pays homage to the men, but was very curious as to where women fit into history, "a history where they have been excluded."

Melissa wants to bring to the forefront, the women that were involved but not documented or credited for their heroic acts.

"I have seen some documentaries on Puerto Rico but nothing that really focuses on the women."

She tells me that what she enjoyed most about this entire process were the interviews with the many people during the research for the film.

"I loved meeting historians and writers who shared bits and pieces of history which I didn't know. What I loved the most about this project was learning. Overall, what I loved the most was the learning process."

I asked her what she learned from each woman:

"What I took away from each woman: from Dona Isabelita is her passion to live, her passion to stay alive. She's going strong and she'll be 100 next month. She's just so alive. In one of her interviews she says, "yo quiero decir que yo naci hoy - - que yo naci ahora – para poder segir luchando siempre!" which translates to "I want to say I was born today - - that I was born now – so that I can keep fighting forever!" From Dylcia, it's her youthful spirit. She's a bug out. She can get down with anyone at any age. From Lolita, it's her strength and conviction."

For now, Melissa hopes to complete this film.

"I want to share, unfold and tell this untold story in a way that sparks inspiration and starts a conversation. I would love to reach people who don't have any idea or know anything about our history."

What she wants the audience to take away from the film, is the human side of these women. Melissa believes that when people think of nacionalistas or revolutionaries, they don't think of them as human beings who are regular people with hearts.

"There's more to them than picking up arms. These are real people - - who love freedom and that's what they fight for! I want people to see them as human, to see their character. It's not so much about whether or not your pro Puerto Rican independence - - it's more about the story of these women and their personal journeys."


If you are interested in donating you can reach Melissa at zoemontero@hotmail.com or melissa@ourwomenourstruggle.com.

For more information or to make donations please visit:

www.ourwomenourstruggle.com

We talk a lot about wanting to hear our stories told… here we have someone walking that talk.

Lets support her~

Peace~

I wanna SCREAM~

Why do your words hit so hard?


"I'll love you, I'll whisper until you make me SCREAM! ... Scream it girl ..."


I wanna scream…
FUCK girl...
I'm screaming on the inside…
The voice is deafening~
It's like bombs exploding on the inside~
A dragon…blazing fire with each breathe

I wanna scream...
I'm tired of speaking so softly...
I'm through with you thinking I'm somehow soft
Yeah I'm nice….
But don't be confused…
I'm nothin nice~

I wanna scream…
Who's holding you back?
Who do you blame?
What do YOU want to do?
Where are you headed?

I wanna scream…
Growth
Evolution
Forward movement
Expansion

I wanna scream…
Are you with me?
Are you with me?
Are you with me?
Are you WITH me?

I wanna scream…
My light
My life
My laughter
My love
My happiness
Don't fuck with that

I wanna scream…
Are you in my life to add?
Are you in my life for the moment?
Are you in my life for now?
Are you in my life for LIFE?

I'm screaming on the inside…

BACK THE FUCK OFF~

Your words CUT~

Your words cut to the ROOT of the matter~

and for that i am thankful...

thanks filled...

thankful there's a YOU...

you know who you are...

you walk right beside me...

don't KNOW ME - yet YOU know me...

you KNOW ME so mother fucking well...

THANK YOU...

thank you for being there for me...

thank you for reminding me - that MY LIGHT need NOT flicker...

HELL NO - to that...

STAND UP FOR MYSELF...

YEAH... stand up...

stand up for... those who are silenced...

to those who silence... i say FUCK YOU...

you can't have it...

NOT TODAY~

Finding my Force... and Junot Diaz on “The Total Silence of the Human Experience”

Junot Diaz on "The Total Silence of the Human Experience"


Allow me to be honest… and confess something…

I want to talk about what this silence means to me and how it has shown up in my life… the idea for the blog title Finding your Force… has to do with FINDING my strength… finding my source… finding and tapping into that thing that quiets me… for me this translates to my VOICE… so Finding Your Force – is really about freeing that VOICE of mine that has been silenced for FAR too long.

For my writers and those who just want to read thoughts from an incredible writer, Junot Diaz, author of Drown and his latest novel The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, winner of this years Pulitzer.

Junot has really inspired me to change how I see myself as a writer - - he doesn't know it but just listening to him speak has moved me into a new way of seeing myself and the words I put onto the page… it doesn't hurt that he's from my motherland… which makes me incredibly PROUD~ He's a role model… I hope to be his mentee one day~

These are my notes from an interview with Junot Diaz during his book tour for Oscar Wao here in New York.

I was sitting in the nose bleed section and couldn't even get into the auditorium to see him live. I had to sit outside in the lobby of this institute where they had a plasma TV for all the folks who got there late. He talked about the many reasons people are silenced and the NEED to have our stories told.

"The voices we need are so utterly absent –totally and completely missing… anybody who writes anything is writing a fucking revolution…"

He talked about the dire necessity to have stories that truly represent who we are and the only people who can tell our stories are US….

He talked about his frustration with the libraries – that even with the many books that are housed - - he finds that there are really NO books that represent us.

"What we have is an utter distortion of who we are - - honestly if all that survives are our libraries – we're in some real fucking trouble - - 99% of who we are will be gone."

He used an example of the library he fantasizes about:

"The library in my mind is completely empty of books - - it's the size of the universe…"

"The books that need to be written - - haven't been written by people."

"At the basic level that's what drives me…. It's the vision of the empty library"

"You can take all of the books that we've written and it will fill one little cart - - it's clearly not what we need…"


He talked about people, who are afraid to tell stories, subjects that may be considered wrong to talk about:

"There's also that fact that as a country we don't value anything that doesn't participate in the myth of what we call the Americas - - so on a more micro level - - anyone who writes anything that sheds light on how life is really led is making a very positive and political contribution…"

His thoughts on writing subjects that are considered taboo… Subjects that have silenced…

The interviewer asked him to talk about/draw a comparison of books that have been written about the Dominican Republic and the examples used were Julia Alvarez's, In the Time of the Butterflies and Feast of the Goat, by Mario Vargas Llosa. He compares these two books and his use of footnotes.

"Both those books are closed texts - - they don't refer to other books – which sucks because if ONE book survives it should at least have a trail. Each book should serve as a labyrinth – each book should have a string to other books. So when I was writing this book I tried to think of how many books on the Dominican Republic I could name."

"If you want to increase your authority – keep other books out of your pages - - that's the best way to seem very authoritative - - pretend that you're the only ONE who's ever written a book about the Dominican Republic - - it's like Trujillo."

"You want to encourage others to think of you as a second rate hack - - who should be argued against just include a bunch of books so that people read it and make up their own minds. In this way the book isn't CLOSED… for me footnotes had everything to do with that terror that runs through the book - - that terror - - the danger of the single voice speaking. The dark lord of the book - - is the single dictatorial voice…"

"What is a novel other than an aesthetically pleasing version of a dictatorship?"

"In DR there was ONE voice and it was Trujillo…"

"For me the footnotes were A) to undermine the narratives authority because every step of the way – the footnotes pull you out of the book as if to say hey - - challenge this… look at these other books. B) The person writing the books admits to error. The footnotes pretend to be giving the history of DR but what they're really doing is providing a function of challenging a single voice of a dictatorship."

He talked about language… writing with a language that makes others comfortable (Spanish, English, Urban Intellect, Ivy League educated, and slang) borrowing language…

"You're punished for using words that people aren't familiar with - - that challenge or threaten people – you're not rewarded for what you know."

"I think there was apart of me that got sooo sick and fucking tired of it. I mean there's nothing like coming to a country that hated Spanish - - learning the wrong fucking English from all your little black friends – having to learn English again – twice – once when you went to high school and then when you went to Ivy League - - then losing your Spanish because your parents are like "No, no no ustedes son Americanos - - ustedes se creean Americano aqui" "no,no, no, you all are Americans - - you're all being raised American" and then having to relearn your Spanish but not relearning it with the accents that make Dominicans comfortable. By the end your like dude – ain't nobody fucking happy and is there a space where I can just be - - NOT an individual - - but a person where all my languages can be present and available at the same time – without ONE having to hide… I always felt like I lived in an apartment for ONE but where five people lived with me and the super came by everyday and three of my languages had to hide under the bed."

"Honestly guys - - it's only with this book - - whether good or bad where I felt like I was able to deploy my languages openly and with some sense of freedom."

He was asked the question: "Do you get shit for exposing stuff about the DR?"

He called this the "dirty laundry question"

"The bigger question I have is – who's supposed to be the audience? You're only airing your dirty laundry if your worried about outsiders judging you – but in my mind it's always a conversation within the community. I grew up in this place (he's talking about DR) it's just my opinion - - I'm sorry write your own fucking book - - we need a million versions … one person cant embrace 10 million people."

He admits that he doesn't get that question asked as much as Dominican Women Writers - - who are asked to maintain the culture of respectability.

He said, "Nobody will ever fucking ask me - - why do you have to represent Dominicans this way?"

"But everyone is always asking female writers (he mentions a female writer from Haiti I couldn't make out the name...) "Do you think your portrayal of a Haitian community is honest?" There's a lot of gender stuff that goes on. - - in a lot of ways men are absolved of those types of questions."

For him it's about keeping the dialogue open… and accepting that people WILL NOT always like what we have to say:

"Your community is not determined by a snap judgment when a book is released… it's a long term conversation - - it's a process – I think that anyone who takes a look at a book and says this person thinks this way or that way about their community is really missing the point of how art works and how complicated people are - so people can say oh – you're really fucked up - - maybe I am…."

How has your voice been silenced?
What keeps you quiet?
How did you find your VOICE?
How do we get to this place of being really FREE to say whatever the fuck we wanna say - - however we wanna say it - - and to whomever you wanna say it to - - without worry or fear?


Peace~

"My illusions..." and temptation…

I'm currently reading a book titled: The Country Under My Skin a Memoir of Love and War, by Gioconda Belli and there was a line that jumped out of me:

"My illusions of changing him into a happy man quickly evaporated. I was furious at the trap I found myself in—all because I had been so innocent, so romantic. In my terrible hurry to get on with life, I had married a man who longed to hide from it."

And then I came across this line and was like INTERESTING…

"It had never crossed my mind that a man could think he had the right to stop me from being who I was."

So I got to thinking about relationships…

How do we get the girl/guy?
How do we keep the girl/guy?

Then I arrive to another section in the book:

"One day, a day like any other, the Poet closed the door behind him as he walked into his office, a conspiratorial look on his face. As soon as the door shut, he kissed me. I slapped him across the face.

"How dare you! You know I'm a married woman!"

"But I'm in love with you. I was dying to kiss you," he said as he smiled playfully, unfazed by my reaction, which made me uneasy. He began to talk about my mouth, about how sensual and irresistible it was…."

"As time went on I got used to the Poet's advances but they still bothered me mainly because, despite my objections, I didn't want him to stop. They made me feel desirable irresistible."

"I tried to get my husband to react to me the way I thought a man in love should, but his listlessness was a constant barrier that blocked all my efforts. He said he loved me but he seemed to think there was no need to show it."

"We were as different as night and day."


What keeps the flame burning???
How does temptation play into all of this?

And I automatically jumped to the lines people use to rationalize why they cheat:

"How she got me is how she will keep me"
"He let himself go"
"She's boring in the bedroom… he only does ONE position"
"The relationship got old"
"She/he doesn't turn me on - - they don't do it for me anymore…"
"She/he fell out of love…"

And then we have many types of relationships:

The introvert & the extrovert in the relationship~
The extremely social and the anti-social~ Socialite and the hermit~
The relationship where both parties are identical~ each others mirror image~
The homemaker who's life is the home/the kids & the spouse who works outside of the house/the spouse with a life outside of the home~

How important is it to select a partner whose energy matches your own?
Do opposites really attract?
If you enter a relationship at such a high and then it dwindles – how does this relationship last?
What does it take for a relationship to work?
What does it take for a relationship to last?

The illusion that we can somehow make our relationships into what we'd like them to be… the idea that we can somehow alter another's personality into who we would like them to become - - to fit some pretty little mold that WE'VE created in our OWN minds.

The illusion of the PERFECT relationship…

And then we get disappointed when all of our efforts to try and change someone into what we'd hoped they'd become… "If you love me you'll --------" (fill in the blanks) FAIL.

Do we really accept people for who they ARE?
Do we really see people for who they ARE? And not what we'd like them to be…

How important is it to select a partner whose energy matches your own?
Do opposites really attract?
If you enter a relationship at such a high and then it dwindles – how does this relationship last?
What does it take for a relationship to work?
What does it take for a relationship to last?
What keeps the flame burning???

Peace~

No Day But Today~

"There's nothing to it – but to do it!"

Part of my writing process is to procrastinate a bit before I sit down to write… I pick up the house a little, make my bed - - attempt to create a space in my living room and then I finally sit my ass down with my thoughts…

I start by writing around thoughts and ideas and today it was notes from an interview I heard with Junot Diaz (which I can't wait to blog about - - he's fucking brilliant). So I just finished transcribing the notes from that discussion I heard with Junot and decided to play a musical to get me in the mood for writing and the soundtrack I selected is RENT…

I was going through the booklet that came with the cd and read the dedication to the creator of RENT Jonathan Larson - - it talked about his passion for life, creating music and art - - and what he wanted to leave behind for the world… the last line in the dedication reads:

"Jonathan's sudden, unexpected death on the very day his dream came true is a sobering reminder to make the most of the time we have. Listen to his music, reach out to community, and celebrate all the love in your life."

If you don't know the story about the creator of Rent – you should totally read it… the man died before his show went to Broadway - - a show that's been on Broadway for over ten years…

So today I'm thinking about what it means to:

Live our dreams…
Pursue our life's purpose…
Remove all obstacles…
STOP fighting inner demons…
Know our worth…
Know we're worthy…
Know what it is we are fighting for…because there ARE things worth fighting for…
Know what we want…
Never take NO for an answer…
Push forward no matter what…
Let go of people who are crutches…
Let go of people who are harmful to our health…

I'm thinking about how far I've come - - and how there's NO DAY BUT TODAY~

I had a conversation today with one of my closest friends - - one of those friends who knew me when…

She…
Knew me when my life was FULL of drama
Knew me when I never kept a promise
Knew me when I wanted to do a little bit of everything but never completed anything
Knew me when my life was upside down
Knew me when I was a disaster
Knew me when I lied to myself and loved me anyway
Knew me when I was hard on myself
Knew me when I was always angry and full of rage
Knew me when I was self destructive
Knew me when I didn't trust myself to make the right decisions and relied on my friends to help me process and make the right choice for MY life because I didn't know how to…

She's one of those friends who shoot from the hip… that friend who never tolerated my shit and called me on all of it…

It's so important to keep those people in our lives - - those who KNEW us when…

So out of the blue… I see a call on my cell coming in that's UNKNOWN… and of course I'm tempted to dodge the call wanting to hit END – you know those calls when you're hiding out from the bill collectors. Yeah those calls - - I know you know what I'm talking about…

And to my happy surprise it was my dear amiga Rie… and she is one of those friends who KNOWS me well. She and I met when I was the secretary of an elementary school and she taught 3rd grade ESL at a school in Rhode Island 13 years ago. We spent so much time together, movies, dinners, dancing, countless conversations, we ate lunch together daily at work, we were always at each others houses - - she got me through so many difficult moments – a true and brutally honest friend…

These days we speak only a few times a year… life and location does that… but she's still really good at sending me cards for Christmas and on birthdays… she has been there for me when it counts - - and on my end I try leave quick voicemail messages periodically just checking in… and this week was no different I sent her an email asking her to save the date for an event my friends are throwing me in June and I made the message really vague so she would HAVE to call me back to get the news in person…

It worked she called… we were on the phone for like 45 minutes it was sooooo wonderful to hear from her and catch up really quick. She told me she had just finished reading my article and I shared with her what has happened since… particularly the incredible opportunity that has come my way… (I will share with you guys soon)

And what she said surprised me and didn't…

She yelled – I could hear her excitement for me… she was like "Are you fucking kidding me~ I am so happy for you" I just smiled and laughed listening to how full of joy she was… and then she said, "YOU DID IT… you did what you said you were going to do… you stuck it out - - you didn't let anyone get in your way - - or words like I have said to you – words like get a real job – a steady job with benefits…" she said to me, "Alicia you did it!"

Just hearing that gave me pause because I am doing it - - there is NO DAY BUT TODAY~ and I am NOT done…

What are you doing with TODAY?

Peace~

I can't pretend~

I was waiting for the train during lunch today and I scribbled this thought:

I can't pretend the things you say don't affect me~

I can't pretend that your truth doesn't leave me questioning~

I can't pretend that your form of questioning doesn't make me question me~

I don't want to pretend I'm ok~
Because I'm not ok~
This is not ok~
Is it meant to be painless?

It's so painful~

I'm filled with this emotion… it's extremely hard to describe.

How do I put what I'm feeling into words that you'll understand?

UNDERSTANDING~

Understand ME~

It has this hold on me.

Words they do that to me. They can fill me with love and purity and then turn on me with a quick.

Quickly filling me with anger, negativity, hurt, pain, ugliness - - Self pity.

Is that what I'm feeling? SELF PITY~

Now that I can't have - - pity for my self.

I feel pitiful.

Pity filled.

In this PITY state I will hurt those I love the most - -the people closest to me… this pity can transform into poison. It's so fucked up how sometimes the only way we feel better about ourselves is by making someone feel like shit.

Is this really how I want to show up in the world?

How do you show up in the world?
If I walk by you on the street – how do you appear?


Peace~

Junot Diaz awarded 2008 Pulitzer

Congratulations JUNOT DIAZ...

This is huge family...

I will be back to write more - - I just needed to share~

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/07/arts/2008Pulitzer.html?ref=arts


Peace~

I hear you LOUD & CLEAR~ Latina Writers speak~

Day in a writer's life:

My writers group meets once or twice a month depending on schedules and we have two types of meetings – either a critique group/potluck dinner (a bit more social) or an all day writer's workshop. Our last workshop was on Saturday, March 8, 2008 ten woman showed up on a rainy, dreary day to spend their day writing with me at Brooklyn College~ we laughed, we cried, we shared, we wrote… BOY DID WE WRITE… so I wanted to blog about that experience…

I usually start the workshop with introductions – each woman tells us who they are, what they write, and what special project they're working on or would like to begin work on. Once the intros were complete - -we immediately jumped into a free write. The purpose of the free write is just that… to write freely - - the women write nonstop - - they keep writing, not censoring themselves, not crossing out words… just free writing… so I asked them to free write about their morning or something that might be bothering them from the week and they wrote for five minutes…

Here's my 5-minute free write:

This morning I awoke with a smile on my face~ I looked up and said THANK YOU~ as I put my feet on the floor - - I was smiling because I knew what today would be bringing me JOY, LOVE, PEACE, learning, and strength. I know when I leave today my cup will be filled - -filled with the love and goodness of the women that surround me. The past few weeks have been difficult - - I have had all kinds of emotions flowing through me – pain, sadness, guilt, shame, - - what I must remember is there is nothing I can't get through… there is nothing my force won't protect me from. I am very blessed and know that "thy will - - WILL BE DONE" I am so grateful for this day. I am looking forward to the growth that is constant - - creator thank you for all you have given me - - continue to guide me, teach me and walk with me on this journey - - thank you for all you bring - - I write for you because I have to…

Then we set our intention for the day (what we hope to gain and we also offered our writing to someone):

My intention for today is to love ME and those around me - - to tell the TRUTH – even if it's raw. My intention is to speak and walk in truth for this is what my name means~ my truth may NOT be YOUR truth - - but it IS MY truth… and I will speak it~

Unfortunately, I realized that in sharing my truth – stating my truth - - owning my truth I will lose people on the journey - - there will be people who do not agree with me - - there will be those who will not like what I have to say - - there will be those who will hate me - - there will be those who don't accept me - - but in the end I AM the truth - - that this is the ONE constant… my truth is absolute and unconditional. My INTENT is never to hurt anyone – but I will not lie to myself or anyone EVER! I no longer do things that make me uncomfortable so that I can make YOU feel comfortable – that's not my job - I no longer dishonor me in order to HONOR YOU~ I no longer put your happiness before my own - - while I suffer silently. I no longer need, require, desire nor am I desperate for your love - - because the love that I give me is ooooooh girl - - OH SO FUCKING magnificent~ and even when I walk down the street - - that love seeps out of me by the gallons~ my intention today is TRUTH – because yes the truth does set you free - -and my love - - I am SOOOO good with me!

I offer my writing today to my mom and dad~ to all the parents who should LOVE their children UNCONDITIONALLY regardless of what society, community, family, culture, religion or history dictates~ I am still ME… I come in love - - I walk in peace. I am your daughter and nothing can change that. I offer my writing to YOU both because you created me (and in your blessing me I am able to create these words and share it with the world and for that I am thankful… I am thankful for being born…) and I am beauty because of you~ sending you peace, love and blessings.

Your beloved daughter~
Alicia Anabel

These are some of the WORDS that were used in the writer's intentions that morning… what they hope to gain from the day…and their thoughts on WRITING:

"Simple and not censored"
"A weight to carry - - takes bravery to write"
"We are connected"
"A cleansing"
"We write for them – the young" J
"Going within" (digging deep for this….)
"Sheltering the storm - - escaping the shadow"
"LISTEN"
"To commune"
"A way to be free"
"Words that stop the suffering"
"It called us – we didn't call it"
"Teach to let go"
"Write to free the soul"
"Write to free the fear'
"Writing to understand me"
"Writing to find me"
Pilar said: "and I write… cries that are free at last"
Gloria said she dedicates her writing; "TO UNFOLDING MY SILENCE"

After the intentions were set for the day - - we moved on to the business of writing… of CREATING… J NOW the real fun begins J Vanessa and I co-moderated the opening discussion – the sessions focus was on FINDING YOUR VOICE. So we spent some time looking at what that means - - and discussed what that looks like for each of us individually.

The experience of writing together in this way (this day dedicated to writing) is that we are able to tap into a place that for some might be uncomfortable or something that has been bottled up for so long that has been aching to come out. And in coming together in this kind of setting we can at least - - if anything begin – get it STARTED and together we can give each other support or a hug if necessary. This day is about doing what it is we DO as writers. We write because we have to get it out - - while there are people who release in other ways on the dance floor, in prayer, acting on stage, singing their hearts out - - we as writers have a very important gift - - we've been given WORDS - - these words that we allow to come through us and onto the page… and this workshop is a safe place to find our voice without judgment or internal censors.

We talked about writing… and different ways to come into your own… we talked about the ways we come to the page - - my girl Vanessa shared how she free writes… she doesn't have a rigid strict schedule – she allows it to come when it chooses to flow through her… MOST of her TWO novels were written on the train J

And for me writing is very much a religious experience, a spiritual practice… much like when I do my yoga and do my meditations… I come to the page ready… I know why I am here - - I always come to the page ready to create… I don't necessarily wait – I sit in front of the page and start with a word and go where it leads… I too allow for the words to flow through me in free writes and unscheduled… but for the most part I like the routine of coming to the page at set times… and starting my writing with either a prayer, a word, a meditation an experience that haunts or pleases me - - something that happened at the start of my day…. And when I don't write I feel incomplete…

Vanessa led us with a free write - - she started us off with:

I remember…

And from there we needed to go where it led us -- never putting the pen down – we wrote for 15 minutes… and here's what I wrote:

I remember… when I was little girl forced to be a big girl and take care of my sisters.

I remember…getting hit for things that were so minor but must have been or felt so MAJOR to them~

I remember… when you were born - - my life changed - - I know my life would never be the same - - I vowed that I would not only be a good mother BUT the greatest mother to you~

I remember… writing you a love letter as you slept so peacefully with all my wishes for you. My beloved child you never cease to amaze me - - the beautiful Liz has taught me something profound today - - I put a lot of my shit on you - - but as parents isn't that what we do…THINKING of you as my greatest investment… that somehow you belong to me or that you owe me something… (I hope your able to filter out my shit and create your own J) wow baby that must be quite the cross to bare - - I have wanted to give you everything - - more than I've even given to myself - - you impress me beautiful with your strength, purity, innocence, truth - - rebellious side (and you say FUCK - -mommy's so proud J) you hate authority just as much as I did… but at the same time you maintain your self respect and respect for others.

I remember…when we met on myspace - - it started off innocent~ you requested me as a friend and I accepted your request. A friendship was formed – two writers talking about writing – two mothers talking about our children – two women supporting each others dreams from miles away~

I remember…when you flirted with me - - and I flirted back~

I remember…feeling something and I immediately went on the attack.

I remember… hurting you with words because what I was feeling did not seem normal~ did not seem right~ this connection we had before that moment was wonderful just two friends talking… getting to know each other - - but then it became more…

I remember… when I told you I love you - - I could no longer fight what I was feeling. The truth is I am at home with you. The truth is I love you - - the truth is I can't wait to marry you~



Then we moved onto the next free write was titled: How do I feel about being a woman? What does being a woman mean to me? (I already posted this blog a few weeks back – titled: xxx)


As the day came to a close I had the women write a LETTER OF REFLECTION - - where I simply ask that they reflect on the day… the ladies wrote a letter to me about what they liked or didn't like - - gained… and so on… here's my letter:

A letter for my daughters~

In no particular order:

VANESSA~ my new friend, kindred spirit, soul sister, my writing comrade - - the pen is your sword~ I am thrilled to march with you~ my love…there are some good things to fight for - - don't completely let that go of that… don't fuck with that… "YOU KNOW THEY AINT READY."

PILAR~ there is beauty in pain - - your messages for your mom come from a pure place ~ there are things you want her to SEE and KNOW and in time…. She will SEE~ but if she never does - - keep getting ready.

LIZ~ I see my Courtney in your eyes~ you bring a mature innocence that touches me~ you write with intention.

LORRAINE~ there is gentleness in your voice - - we've been together for a while now and with every meeting I see you - - I see the WRITER coming out more and moreJ.

DAKOTA~ you make me smile~ I love your voice~ I aspire to play like you – on my knees crawling around…touching everything…FEARLESS - - what must the world look like through your eyes - - not yet tainted by the toxic forces of this place.

DIANA~ your SPIRIT is powerful~ I'm not sure you even KNOW how powerful you are - - but I hear it in your VOICE – in the way you stand – how you hold your daughter - - you are like Lenina's FIRM TREE - - FIRMLY PLANTED~ the cloud will pass. BELIEVE THAT~

LENINA~ you are brilliant~ and I don't use that word LIGHTLY~ you talk about coming from a strong background and history of being socially aware and I see it in you… you walk with your legacy…there are things you KNOW - - that have been taught, things that have inherited and those passed down to you, and others that you've learned from your schooling - - but the VOICE I HEARD TODAY was YOURS~ a FORCE in your own right!

GLORIA~ there is much you have to say - - there is much to learn from you and with you~ we are a SLOW BURNING PROCESS J I am thrilled to have met you and am grateful for the opportunity to burn with you - - LETS GET IT DONE~

My LESLIE~ my brave warrior~ your words truly touched me today - - you went to a place that I'm sure you weren't prepared for~ and I am so proud of you for doing so… it took great courage to be THAT OPEN… I feel honored.

What I gained today~ IS to SURRENDER… that is my biggest gain. To be able to walk with these women today and come as I AM - - requires a great deal of faith and trust. Surrendering…. To not be worried about how I will be seen - - will my words sound smart? TRUST -- FAITH - - believing… What I walk away with today is an incredible amount of love~ a love that I get to bring home to my daughter and this amazing self love that consumes me - - this incredible love that this day has blessed me with. My wish for each of you is that you keep writing~

Love,
Ali

These are some of the words that came from the other reflection letters about the experience and about each other:

"A reunion - - a union of warriors"
"Unrealized powers"
"Honor voice"
"Willing to endure the slow burning process"

The fact that these women were WILLING to give up their entire Saturday to write just shows me that they are ready to do this~


For my writers…what is your writing process?

Share how you found your voice~

For my readers… what's your process? We each have a voice in any area we're in - - what's your process?

Share a day in your life~

Peace~

Depression

I feel like running away… WOW – the last time I felt this way was 2004. I was talking crazy about leaving my daughter; my life and burning everything I had ever written… it almost felt like I didn’t exist - - not in the way I was existing in that moment – which seemed like I was a walking robot - - just going through the motions - - one of the living dead. During that time in my life I didn’t want to not be anyone’s thought or concern.

I shocked myself yesterday when I heard myself tell someone "I feel like a little bit of me is dying!"

And that moment - - so many years ago was such a dark place… I certainly don’t want to go back there~

How do you pull yourself out of IT when you are SMACK dab in the middle of IT?

I woke up this morning… Actually I really didn’t want to wake up this morning~ I received three wake up calls~ My alarm went off for two hours straight with z100 at full blast~ And I’m sitting here (when I should be leaving my house) typing these words because I don’t want to go to work today and do more of what I did yesterday which was NOTHING...

This morning felt so different for me – where I am usually the person walking up the street – UPBEAT – ipod on – singing away – getting my hustle on - on the way to work. That Alicia Anabel who is ALL smiles saying good morning to everyone - - with a smile on her face… walking by people who are less than happy.

I usually never let their mood affect me. I always try to stay smiling. I’m usually able to feel their energy bounce right off their bodies - - and for the most part I am able to deflect it and not let it phase me.

NOT TODAY, today I felt my own negative energy this morning… it was powerful, dark, ugly - - to walk by someone who seems angry or miserable or just having a rough life and see their my reflection in ME - - in the homeless man I walked by this morning - -this sense of hopelessness - - as he entered the church… all the faces I pass - - that past by me without smiles… I join them today in that sentiment.

I am not happy today~
My chest is tight~
I feel hot~
I feel warm~
I feel like there’s a lump in my throat~
My heart feels heavy~
I can feel the sadness in my eyes~
My legs feel weak~
I did not want to get out of bed at all~

I’ve read and have heard people say… that sleeping too much is a clear sign of depression. And I just wanted to sleep the rest of the week away. But I was reminded that I needed to get my ass up…

So as I was washing my face this morning looking at myself in the mirror I thought to myself:

Am I depressed?
Or am I just going through something?
Am I just having a moment?
And will this moment pass?

I even considered calling my old therapist who I haven’t seen in two years. And I came back to DEPRESSION - - there will be NO taking medicine… I need to stay away from all addictions… (Sex, alcohol or drugs) and by drugs I’m talking about anti-depressants - - but there are those of us who numb our pain with some pretty hard core stuff…

But for me - - TODAY - - I actually want to FEEL what I am feeling. I want feel my way through this pain and sadness. I have been here before and have gotten myself out of IT. And if I am able to get myself out of this in a healthy way then I will have given myself a new way of dealing – a better way of healing.

So what gets me out it? Meditation (aka prayer) ~

I need to bring my mental, physical and emotional self into alignment.

What am I meditating on today?
What do I need?
What am I asking for?

Continual constant joy in all I do in every area of my life… to walk in peace… for the wind to rattle me but never to pull me out of my foundation. To be able to stand TALL~ and I need this strength because I’m not feeling very tall. L

I am meditating on the word PRAYER~ to help me get out of this depressed state…

Whatever I have gone through in this life… anything I have ever asked for during my meditation was answered – in one way or another – positive or negative - - and without fail - - whenever I communed - - whatever I needed was provided. But ONLY if - -it was intended for me.

My word today is prayer - - and I read this today:


"God always answers my prayers according to the principle of truth, according to Divine Will for my highest good, and according to my faith."

So I MUST believe - - if something is for my HIGHEST good and I walk in and with FAITH - - than it will be mine. I’m reminded that I must release all doubt and expect a positive outcome… believe that my prayers will be answered…and KNOW that ALL will work out exactly as it is meant to.

So my meditation today:
I acknowledge my own Divinity and I call it forth as my strength… I know what I need to do. I just need the strength to do it. This means I must dig real deep for this power – this source within me… that light that fills me…the love that consumes me - - its that THING that gets me up in the morning, that THING that picks me up when I fall to the ground – that THING that got me through and continues to get me through the loss of Kevin and Luis.

I read that often time’s prayers are results oriented. We only believe it works when we have the results in the material form. But I must remember that I may not always see the results - - and I will understand that "prayer is actually an affirmation of what already exists… it is a demonstration of our willingness to receive what is good for us" that I will only have what is meant for me.

Its remembering that I have everything I need - - when I need it~

I call forth the divine within me as the strength I need - - to do what I know I must do~

Whenever I call IT always shows up~

As I got to the end of writing this today I read this:

"The divine source of all life is the fulfillment of ALL potential"

This is why I am in the middle of it… it’s about realizing my FULL POTENTIAL~

Me my fullest potential… my life as it is unfolding… trusting that I will recognize the answer to my prayer when it shows up… so tomorrow I will write about POTENTIAL… not sure if you all saw it – but my prayer was answered as I wrote.

How do you pull yourself out of IT when you are in the middle of IT?

Peace~

I had to post this... ties in to my RESPECT blog~

LIFE HAS A WAY OF SHOWING YOU EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE AT - - AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT IN TIME~ but for me this just confirms where I am at in this moment and how I am feeling today:


My scope reads:


Unhappy? Uncomfortable? In need of a miracle cure? You need ’Placebo’, the new wonder drug - proven by scientists to be highly effective, some of the time. Whatever you’ve got, no matter how much it troubles you, Placebo stands a real chance of helping. So don’t delay, ask your doctor for some today. I am being flippant but I am making a very serious point. There are many ways in which things that are wrong can be put right. Don’t look for logic today, just try trusting what you feel.


JUST TRUST WHAT I FEEL~ that I do~


Peace~

R.E.S.P.E.C.T~

RESPECT~

Can you trust someone you don’t respect?
Can you respect someone you don’t trust?

She told me that she felt like she wanted to shut down. She said she just wanted to crawl into a shell and not come out. She didn’t feel like speaking to him - - actually she didn’t feel like having to prove that what she was saying was true. She didn’t feel he respected her. She didn’t feel he trusted her. She gave him NO reason to feel this way stating that she has had no desire to stray. She told me that she felt like he didn’t trust her to hold her own. She felt like he wanted to come in and save the day - - but she told him that she didn’t need rescuing.

I can see what she means… I know what this feels like… I know what its like to not feel respected by those closest to me… I’ve had people say to me "WOW Alicia! I have so much respect for you and all you do and all you’ve done!" But then I see and hear something else in their actions -- they always show me something else~ they always show me the truth~

Actions always speak louder than words! People can tell us anything they wanna tell us. Like Bloo always says to me "when someone SHOWS you who they are - - BELIEVE them." I swear by that quote: when someone shows me who they are - - BELIEVE THAT… TRUST THAT~ and I haven’t been wrong yet!

If I trust you - - I respect you as a person - - I honor you and your word…

If I don’t trust you - - I probably don’t respect you - - I most definitely don’t believe a single word that comes out of your mouth.

When I trust you… I trust that you will follow through on your promises, vows, and your word -- is in fact bond… I trust that you will follow though on what you say you are going to do - -

BUT - - if in the back of my mind I am recalling ALL the moments you failed to follow through on your promises - - all the moments you didn’t do what you said you would do - - how can I REALLY trust you - - and if I am keeping score - - how am I really respecting you? (I’m probably NOT respecting you - - and I probably don’t trust you)

When we tell people how to live their lives we don’t respect them we don’t trust that they can make up their OWN minds - - we’re trying to run THEIR lives - - we don’t TRUST that they can make the right decisions for themselves.

With RESPECT you know, trust and believe - - I can make it. You have NO doubt in me. You don’t show me this TRUST and RESPECT for me in just simple words but in your actions~ and if I make the wrong choice – which I’m sure I will… when I fall - - you will give me your hand - - not kick a sistah while she’s down - - I won’t hear from your mouth "I told you so!" or "I told you it wouldn’t work!" and you would never say "I didn’t think you could do it!"

INSTEAD you will help me get off the ground, dust myself off and say to me "You got this! Handle your handle! Go for it! I got you!" And in that way I will TRUST, BELIEVE and KNOW you respect me!

When I put my trust in someone I expect that they will do what they SAY...

Trusting IN someone... means there’s something I believe they have that I need (faithfulness, honesty, respect, loyalty, truth, LOVE) and that there is something I HAVE that I believe they can take away from me... this is placing my TRUST on the words rather than the ACTION~

I PLACE my trust in the divine in you~

Why do we place our trust in one another?
What are we hoping this OTHER can give us?

I trust YOU not because I trust you or your word... I trust the divine in you - - just as I trust the divine in me... I trust the actions behind your words - - I TRUST what you DO or DON’T do~

I read today and have heard this quite a bit - - people saying: "I will try to change" or "I will try and make it to xyz…" or "I will try to call you later" or "I will try to TRUST again!"

A person who is trying is not DOING!

YOU DO OR DONT... that’s it... it’s that simple...

I no longer trust in what people SAY - - I trust in what you DO~

So you either TRUST or you don’t - - that’s it~

I read today... Trust is not something people must earn from us - - nor is it something we give to people who have proven themselves worthy~

Every being is worthy of being trusted~
Either you trust or you do not trust~

I release the idea that my trust in SOMEONE somehow controls how THEY will react or behave in any given situation~ I also release the ME that needs YOU to trust and respect me - - you either do or you don’t~

Can you trust someone you don’t respect?
Can you respect someone you don’t trust?
Why do we place our trust in one another?
What are we hoping this OTHER can give us?
Do you trust?

Peace~


Where do I place my trust?


I ONLY rely on the divine to sustain and fill me~
I trust that the divine will provide me with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance I encounter~
I will rely on what my heart tells me is true~
I will not try to trust - - I do trust~
I trust that all my needs are being met~
I trust that the pure desires of my heart and soul will manifest~
I trust in all that is good - - the divine is the only sustenance I will ever need~
I trust that the divine provides all things~
I TRUST MYSELF~
I RESPECT ME~

Love song for Courtniana~

"You are the reason I could fly"
"And cause of you I don’t have to wonder why"
"My baby you there’s no more just getting by"

You’re the reason I feel so ALIVE~

My Baby You, by Marc Anthony

As I look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life’s worth a thousand skies
You’re the simplest love I’ve known
And the purest one I’ll own
Know you’ll never be alone

Chorus :
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
And cause of you
I don’t have to wonder why
Baby You
There’s no more just getting by
You’re the reason I feel so alive
Though these words I sing are true
They still fail to capture you
As mere words can only do
How do I explain that smile
And how it turns my world around
Keeping my feet on the ground

[Chorus]

I will sooth you if you fall
I’ll be right there if you call
You’re my greatest love of all

[Chorus]

Arianna I feel so alive



Daughter,
Nobody loves me like you love me~
Nobody accepts me like you accept me~
Nobody knows me like you know me~
I love you Court and I miss you baby~

Good Girls Share~

I remember being told that good girls share~

If I had a toy and one of my younger sisters wanted to play with it my mother would make me give it to them. But when she walked away I would probably smack them in the head… I hated being forced to share.

So I guess I was a bad girl…

I recently was accused of not sharing AGAIN… either the woman meant that I didn’t know how to share… or just meant in ONE or MANY areas of my life I refuse to share with others. The person was telling me that I wasn’t willing to share certain things like my personal experience, story and feelings. That conversation was with Bloo – I HATE it when that *&^%$ is right… so last week she called me on my crap - - telling me that I don’t share~ she was talking about the area of my SUCCESS~

Actually, her exact words were: "there are parts of you that you are not willing to share" telling me that there are things I guard with my life… (I hate that you’re right stupid head!)

She told me that yes I am ready and willing to share my love… but that it’s not ALL people need. She told me that I have a fear that there won’t be enough left over for me if I share…

So today I meditated on the word SHARING… and the intention that I wrote for myself today is:

I intend to LEARN how to SHARE MY LIFE~

I can admit that SHARING is a tough thing for me to do because it brings up a lot of different emotions like:


1. I have been doing this alone thing for a long time - - how will someone fit?
2. I have been living a certain way for a long time - - this fear of something new coming in and disrupting that~ changing that~ trying to control that~
3. If it aint broke – don’t fix it…
4. What’s mine is mine…
5. Everything that I have - - I’ve gotten on my own - - and I’ll be damned if someone comes in and takes credit from me~
6. If I give of myself in certain ways - - then I will somehow lose myself~
7. I don’t wanna have to answer to nobody…
8. It’s my life~
9. I don’t need your help - - I got this~


So - - How do I share my life?

I was looking at the list I just wrote and the key words I used were:


I have been~
What’s mine~
Everything I have~
I’ll be damned~
I will lose~
I don’t wanna~
I got this~
I don’t need~

There’s a lot of "I" this - - "I" that and what I found is that my list is not very others centered… so the new words that rise for me are selfishness and willingness. Am I selfish~ in that not for self improvement/self love kind of way~

This selfishness of mine is this disguised way of me protecting myself – protecting what’s MINE, preventing myself from being hurt or disappointed. Its also an idea of being LIMITED… this feeling that if I share MY stuff with others they will TAKE what’s mine…and I am not sure why that is…

So I’m going to replace the word "MINE" and "I need" with a new phrase and way of living:

I AM WILLING…
I am willing to share…
I am willing to be wrong...

Because we must be willing to share if we want to receive the good stuff~

I am willing to share my life~
I am willing to share my love~
I am willing to share my successes~
I am willing to share my pains~
I am willing to share my failures~
I am willing to share my time~
I am willing to share my truth~
I am willing to share my resources~
I am willing to open myself up to NEW expressions of love in my life - - in however it chooses to show up~

How do you share?
In what ways do you share?
What does sharing YOUR LIFE mean to you?
What do people need?
What do you need?

Peace~

All work and no play~

I wanna be a kid today!
I don’t want to HAVE to work.
I don’t want to be SOOOOO serious today.
I want to have fun.
I want to be carefree.

Do you remember the last time you had fun?
When was the last time you had a belly laugh?
Who made you laugh?
What made you laugh?
Why do we take life so serious?
Why am I so serious today?

I was on the phone with someone this morning who was full of life, full of love, and was filled with happiness and joy… it was like being on the phone with a little girl… a little girl who was laughing about everything and just having a great time… it was really wonderful to hear.

And at that moment I was wishing I was a little girl… I wished that I could let the little girl in me come out to join her in the fun. But I didn’t do that… while she played I was playing an adult game. I was busy thinking about all that I had to do today. I wasn’t in the happiest of moods. I was thinking about my "to do list" and what the ONE task would be - - that I would need to get done today. I was thinking about how nasty the weather looked when I awoke this morning… it looked dreadful… and I guess I allowed it to affect my mood - - I was dreading the day… I was moving really slowly not really wanting to leave my house.

So I grabbed my umbrella and left. I was walking down the stairs in a turtles pace… stood at the front of my building not wanting to open my umbrella when I saw one of my neighbors standing at the door smoking a cigarette and he said… "Don’t let the day fool you - - it’s a beautiful day" well lets just say... that’s just what I needed to hear to get me out of my crappy mood… it is a beautiful day :)

The little girl in me wants to play in the fields…

I used to love swinging… really high and jumping off… I remember growing up in NYC… and hanging in the park on Atlantic Avenue - - this park had those metal swings… there would be four of us competing - - two people on each swing… one person sitting - - the other standing on the swing and the race was ON for who could go the highest…

The water feels so good... won’t you join me?

Not a care in the world…

Lets go slide…

I just wanna dance around like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music… The hills are alive…

I always wanted to learn how to do a cartwheel…

And blowing bubbles was so much fun… chasing the bubbles to pop them… or catch them…

The fun we had falling down…

Good times at the beach... being buried alive…

How easily entertained we were…

DID SOMEONE SAY WATER FIGHT???

I don’t wanna be a grown up today~
I wanna play…
Lets play today~


What are your favorite games?
What do you do for fun?
What brings a smile to your face?


Peace~