An Organized Mess…

“Get it together…”

“Everything happens for a reason…”

“All will be revealed in due time…”

“You can’t move forward unless you look backwards…”

All expressions said to me on one occasion or another…

A lot of my days used to start off and end with the words:

“Today was the day from hell!”

Whenever I would meet up with my best friend I would start off the conversation the same way… and then I would just go on and on about how unfair life was - - how miserable my life was - - complaining about an unfulfilling job and what ever it was I was rambling about in my description of this day from hell. And she would always tell me, there is a reason for everything… there is a lesson in this… I was listening to the words but missing the message.

My life was exactly the way I was painting it… because I was the artist… at any moment I could have chosen a different brush and color for a more precise stroke… or I could have trashed the painting and started fresh with a new canvas… but I kept painting over the same piece over and over again… it was full of reds, oranges, yellows… the picture resembled FIRE… my moment in hell. I was in pain when I was having days from hell. I was in internal hell and the fire was getting hotter and hotter. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of it – I kept painting me there.

We develop in order – exactly when we are supposed to - - everything happens right on time…

I was unfolding right on time… I needed to be in hell to decide for myself if THAT was the way I wanted to continue living… do I want to live in hell - - or paint my way out of hell.

My days started changing… I am not sure when it happened - - when the change in me started happening… but I was having less days from hell and more days filled with happiness. I guess it must have started when I realized I was born to write. I read today that my force… assures me that the divine plan for my life… will unfold in an orderly manner according to my level of development…

How many times have I thought I was ready only to find out later that I was NOT ready… when I fall - - that too was in ORDER - - I needed to have those days from hell so that I could continue to keep getting ready…

The word I am meditating on today is ORDER!

I read today that: “the order of my physical environment is a reflection of the order and state of my mind” it went on to say, “A clear and opened mind is evidenced by a clean and orderly environment.”

I disagree with this - - and agree with it… I feel like a clean environment is only clean on the surface - - I take huge offense to this… that somehow someone who lives in a neat and orderly space is more open than I because their space is clean.

This is an illusion!

The most immaculate space can be the most miserable environment with the darkest of emotions.

So if my home is disorderly (and yes my house IS - - I collect research so I have tons of paper work and am surrounded by books in my space) am I to take this to mean that I am somehow blocking myself. I agree that a cluttered and disorderly mind would allow for blocks… but that my space would imply that I have it less together than a person with an orderly house… I can’t agree. I pride myself in calling me “An Organized Mess.” :)

My personal belief is that I prefer to clear out the garbage and mess on the inside before even tackling with the crap that surrounds my house. But that’s just me.

Of course if you enter a clean house - - free of clutter - - with clear space… it gives off the vibe of WOW they must really have it together - - look at how they live… so would this mean you walk into my space and it WOW she’s a hot mess and is far from having it together?

I went on to read: “the condition or order of the environment demonstrates what I have learned, what I am thinking and what I am ready to receive.”

I definitely agree with this… I know that for me I will and am getting here. The place where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally IS a reflection of the order or disorder in my thoughts, beliefs and emotions… but in some cases the cleanliness of spaces is a cover for the real mess that resides in the crevices…

Order for me means that I am exactly where I need to be… in this moment in time.

I can admit that my life in some ways is still in disorder - - there is still work I need to do. For me to have order - - I must get me in order and I will continue to do the work to get me in order.

I realize that my life is being ordered when I see and recognize that I am exactly where I need to be – doing what I am supposed to do and I know that everything I need will be provided.

For this I am so grateful.

Now my paintings are filled still with reds, oranges and yellows - - and those colors symbolize the sunset for me… the end of an amazing day filled with purples, pinks, sky blues…

What does order mean for you?
How does order show up in you life?

Peace~

Like a bird in the sky…

Everybody’s FREEEEEE to feel good!




It's done. I did it. The moment I finished it…

I was walking with Chermelle last night after a very productive writing session. And I just looked at her and said. IT'S DONE! It's no longer inside of me. I no longer have to carry it.

I felt really light in my chest...

I was weightless, unburdened - - FLYING!!!

Everything looked so different to me in that moment.

Chermelle needed to remind me of what I looked like yesterday - - she said I was smiling, that I felt liberated. She said I told her, it felt good, so good in fact that it was the first time I'd ever felt that feeling of goodness.

I felt great.

I felt that it was gone, done, completed - - the poison is no longer inside of me!

I felt emptied of it.

I feel free.

I feel good.

The song that came to mind was EVERYBODY'S FREE…to feel good!

Freedom is not a moment or an experience…

Freedom is not something that can be given to us.

Freedom is a state of being. It's not something anyone can give us.

Freedom is something unexplainable – something that is felt in the mind, spirit and soul and I felt it all at the same time. It was an incredible moment. An emotional moment – I'm somehow different NOW…

My chest feels clear…

I feel open…

I can breathe.

With every breathe I take it feels different – freeing me even more…

I have never felt this free…

There were lines from that song "Right to be wrong" that spoke to me:

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision

Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to face it willingly…

I was left feeling relieved… ready… I'm like a bird…

This is what I said last night: "Today is the moment of my transformation - - today is the first day of my life. I see things so differently now. I'm unblocked - - I AM FREE!"

This is a feeling I want to hold onto for as long as I can…

I no longer feel pain
I no longer feel hurt
I no longer feel guilt
I no longer feel shame

For this and for every thing that I receive I am so grateful!

I am FINALLY free…

This is what freedom feels like…

This poem summarizes what I feel brilliantly:

Ego Tripping , by Nikki Giovanni (1973)

I was born in the Congo.
I walked to the Fertile Crescent and built the sphinx.
I designed a pyramid so tough that a star
that only glows every one hundred years falls
into the center giving divine perfect light.

I am bad.

I sat on the throne
drinking nectar with Allah.
I got hot and sent an ice age to Europe
to cool my thirst.
My oldest daughter is Nefertiti.
The tears from my birth pains
created the Nile.

I am a beautiful woman.

I gazed on the forest and burned
out the Sahara desert.
With a packet of goat's meat
and a change of clothes,
I crossed it in two hours.
I am a gazelle so swift,
so swift you can't catch me.

For a birthday present when he was three,
I gave my son Hannibal an elephant.
He gave me Rome for mother's day.

My strength flows ever on.

My son Noah built an ark and
I stood proudly at the helm
as we sailed on a soft summer day.
I turned myself into myself and was Jesus.

Men intone my loving name.
All praises all praises,
I am the one who would save.

I sowed diamonds in my back yard.
My bowels deliver uranium.
The filings from my fingernails are
semi-precious jewels.

On a trip north,
I caught a cold and blew
my nose giving oil to the Arab world.
I am so hip even my errors are correct.
I sailed west to reach east and had to round off
the earth as I went.
The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid
across three continents.

I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal.
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission.
I mean...I...can fly
like a bird in the sky...

HAVE YOU EVER FELT THIS?

Peace~

Stolen Innocence

Who are you to steal somone's INNOCENCE?

On the train today I saw this beautiful Central American girl – she had dark hair – dark eyes. She must have been 4 years old – she was just swinging around a pole… smiling and laughing… she had no worries in the world – happy about life. The train was her playground and it didn't matter who was around looking – nothing could take away her happiness. She kept playing and playing. In that moment I couldn't help but think of ALL the kids I see daily.

The other day I saw this cute Asian boy sitting next to his mother who slept while he drew these incredible drawings of what I can only imagine will be a video game in the future that he will develop. I also remember this family sitting across from me on the train a little girl, her mom and dad all playing together acting silly – it was beautiful to watch.

Even the little baby in the stroller who was with angry parents who were arguing when the baby looked at me I just smiled and she/he smiled back and in the moment I knew that nothing else mattered but the two of us smiling back and forth while the grown ups were piss't at each other.

But then I recall some other moments I run into children…

Like the little boy who was walking with his father who was happy one minute and then got slapped in the face for speaking…or speaking in a tone the dad didn't like.

Or

The little boy walking with his mother who in Spanish kept telling him when they approached McDonalds - - habre esa puerta - - silve pa algo… (open that door - - be worth something - - or be good for something) by the way the child could only have been like 3 years old.

But the worst moment for me was the day I actually saw a mother slap her child in the face - - just imagine the sounds echoing loudly over 125th street a noise that went through me - - a noise that felt like she just slapped me… SLAP - - OMG it took everything I had not to step to her and say – "why don't you slap me like that. You're such a big woman… so powerful - why don't you pick on somebody your own size." I wanted to beat her ass. Straight up! all I kept thinking was MAN what will that little boy grow up to believe about himself… that he's special - - that he's gifted - - that he can be anything… where will he find his sense of worth when the people closest to him are stripping him of that?

If I had to pick ONE thing is this lifetime to fight for… its violence against women and children - - but specifically abuse against CHILDREN.

On the train I couldn't help but think of all the little girls in the world who aren't happy…who don't know love…who don't know their worth…who don't know their beauty…and they don't know this because there aren't enough people around them to tell them so.

I hate the news but I started replaying footage in my mind of the latest news events:

Father leaving his girlfriends house asks to hold the baby (who is weeks old) he wanted to hold her for one last time… he took that baby and slammed the babies head into the railing on the steps in front of the house.


Or the little girl, who was chained to a chair and starved to death - - beaten, raped…

A Mother drowns her two kids in the bathtub.

A Father stabs his ex and their four kids.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

Then I went digging curious about what's happening around the world:

<em>Example 1: 11/7/07 Foreigners held in little girl's murder, rape case

By ANDREW SAGAYAM / GOMBAK: Police have arrested four foreigners in connection with the brutal murder and rape of nine-year-old Preeshena Varshiny.

Example 2: 10/2006 / Amish school shooting / From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia / Location Bart Township, Pennsylvania, United States / Target(s) West Nickel Mines School / Date Monday, October 2, 2006 / Attack type School shooting, mass murder, murder-suicide, massacre

Weapon(s) shotgun, handgun / Deaths 6 (including the perpetrator) / Injured 5 / Perpetrator(s) Charles Carl Roberts IV / The Amish school shooting occurred on the morning of Monday, October 2, 2006, when a gunman took hostages and eventually killed five girls (aged 7–13) and then killed himself at West Nickel Mines School, a one-room Amish schoolhouse in Nickel Mines, a village in Bart Township of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, United States.[1][2][3][4][5] Police report that the gunman was Charles Carl Roberts IV,[5][6] a 32-year-old milk-tank truck driver who lived nearby.

Example 3: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,311537,00.html

Arizona Girl Beaten, Left Dead for Days in Apartment With Sister

Tuesday, November 13, 2007 / PHOENIX — A 12-year-old girl was beaten with an electrical cord, and her parents left her dead body on the floor of her bedroom for days before they called 911, according to court documents released Tuesday.

Police also found the girl's 9-year-old sister in the apartment when they arrived. Officers said the sister was "cowering in the shower with several bruises, burns and a broken arm," according to court documents.

The 9-year-old gave police a different account as to how her big sister died.

She told police that she saw Troupe make her sister go into the tub. She said Troupe poured hot water on her sister as punishment for not cleaning her room.

The 9-year-old said she heard her sister scream and get out of the tub. She saw her step-mom whip her sister with an extension cord. Troupe then pushed the 12-year-old against the wall and punched her stepdaughter in the face until she passed out.

Afterward, the 9-year-old said she put her hand on her sister's heart and did not feel anything, according to court documents.

The girl also said Troupe previously beat her and her sister.

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/1121sistersabused21-on.html


Girl beaten, doused with hot water to be laid to rest

Associated Press and The Arizona Republic /Nov. 21, 2007 07:04 AM

A 12-year-old girl who died after she was beaten with an electrical cord and doused with hot water as punishment for not doing her homework will be laid to rest Wednesday.

Example 4: http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?newsid=1137218

Class VI girl beaten by teacher, suffers fracture / Tuesday, December 04, 2007 20:11 IST / JAMMU: In yet another instance of corporal punishment despite the law proscribing it, a class VI girl was allegedly beaten mercilessly by her teacher for not getting a high score in a school test. She has fractured the fingers of her right hand, is in a state of shock and is too scared to go back to school.

Example 5: In the New York Times

Child Deaths in Shelters Are Rising / By LESLIE KAUFMAN

Twenty children died in shelters during the three-year period from 2004 to 2006, with by far the most — 12 — dying in 2006, the report said.

November 29, 2007

Example 6: African Crucible: Cast as Witches, Then Cast Out / By SHARON LAFRANIERE / A surprising number of children in some countries are identified as witches and beaten, abused or abandoned.

November 15, 2007

Example 7: I found a site with a news feed titled: Child Sexual Abuse in the News http://www.darkness2light.org/news/news.asp

Example 8: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article714680.ece

From The Times May 9, 2006 / Child murders shock villagers
Neighbors view each other with suspicion after two separate incidents in rural France / By Adam Sage / ANGER, shock and suspicion hung over rural France yesterday after the murders of two young children who were snatched from their parents in separate incidents over the weekend. A four-year-old boy was raped and murdered while his parents were participating in a young farmers' dance in their village hall in central France.


There is not a day I don't think about abuse toward children. It's not just these vicious attacks toward children that upsets me - - it's where it actually begins for children - - in the home.


PARENTS/ADULTS/AUTHORITY FIGURES these are the people I am ANGRY at!


I keep recalling moments in my own life when children could be playing having a good time – happy as can be - - and an adult will come in the room - - piss't off at life - angry at the cards that are dealt them and they bring that poison home and put it on the kids. I am guilty of this… I may not put my hands on my daughter but she has been the target of a lot of my aggression that NEVER has anything to do with her - - I have had moments when I have hated the world - - and I have punished my daughter when she is NOT the person to blame. For that and for any time I have hurt someone as powerless as me - - I am sorry.


What is it about being in that role that gives people the right to put there hands on a human being regardless of the age. And I am not talking just beating children, raping children… I include verbal, mental and emotional abuse… the words that destroy children.


What gives them the right to rob them of their innocence?


Peace~

Going through the E-Motions and my thoughts on FREE SPEECH:

“Am I courageous enough to live the truth of my desires without fear?”

It’s difficult not to question myself when I am being questioned!

I am free to write about my experience!

How do we as writers respect the privacy of people in our lives while respecting and honoring our place in the experience - - and our right to write about it?

Afraid of my greatness! During one of my last therapy sessions my doctor said - - “what are you afraid will happen? What is your biggest fear about moving forward - - what keeps you back - - what keeps you from achieving success – of having what you want?”

She asked me to imagine myself standing in front of a door - - with my hand on the door knob - - and she asked me “what keeps me from opening that door? What do I think will be there once I open that door?”

I got really scared while I imagined that moment - - and my immediate response was that NO ONE would be there. That the people I loved the most would not be there.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday re-reading over and over again the blog I wrote that upset someone I loved - - wondering what exactly was it that I wrote that offended or hurt the person. I was thinking to myself - does the person feel I attacked them? So I called my sister immediately in mid thought and I said I need to say this to you before I forget it - - she said ok go - - I am willing to sacrifice my relationships with the people I love if it brings them together.

And today that feeling hasn’t changed - - I just wrote in my journal - - I AM WILLING TO LOSE EVERYTHING IF I AM SERIOUS ABOUT HAVING ANYTHING!

I must believe that those who love me will always stand with me even if they don’t like what I am writing about - - I can’t be a people pleaser - - its not who I am.

But on being a RESPONSIBLE WRITER… I take that very seriously. There are ideas about writing with the reader in mind. I think that as a writer I struggle with this. Are my responsibilities to write the TRUTH or filter it through others…should I check in with society and my community? I feel like I’d never get any writing done that way. Most of the writers I know have shared with me that considering how their writing will affect others is precisely what keeps them from coming to the page. This is why people don’t write or why they don’t commit to writing - - for fear of hurting a family member.

I am not afraid to speak or write the truth. I must remember who I am - -and why I do what I do and the place that I am writing from.

My daughter was upset with me for sharing in my blog Random Thoughts what happened between us during our trip away - - that I put it out in the universe for the world to see our personal business… I had to explain to her my reasons and defend my right to write what is important to me - - while at the same time never really putting in ALL the details of ALL that was said during that moment in our life. The conversation jumped to censorship and anonymity…

I’m not here to make anyone comfortable if it means I make myself uncomfortable!
I’m not here to conform!
I’m not here to be controlled!
If people don’t understand what I write – then there is nothing I can do about that!

I will never censor my truth for anyone - - not even my daughter - - it’s not what I do - - while I will always protect the real names and faces of the people I write about – I will not censor how I write my relationships. If you are in my life in any way - - and you are an important player in my game - - then there’s a very real chance you will be apart of my writers life.

I talk a lot about truth - - and that’s a big deal to me. When I allow anyone or anything to make me doubt me - -MY SKILLS - - and what my true intention is as a writer is - - I dishonor me.

If you know me at all - - you know the place my writing comes from - - I should never have to defend that. What I must understand is that I have NO CONTROL over how my words are going to be received. The only thing I ever have control over is what I put out into the world with my words and deeds. And as long as I am good with it - - then I’ve done my job!

I felt a little attacked by the person who I hurt with my words… (I need to build thicker skin because it wont be the first or last time someone calls me on something they don’t like) what I have to remember is that I will not and can not please everyone all the time. It’s just not realistic.

I found myself second guessing myself - - I can not allow others words to cut me - - or break me down - - I know who I am and why I do what I do and I owe NO ONE an explanation and I make no apologies and I don’t need to defend myself. I spent last night and night before that and this morning trying to release and let go of the feelings I got from the response I received on something I wrote. I almost took down my blog because my words made someone I love uncomfortable. I allowed it to make my words feel worthless - - not valued… (I had to keep replaying the song NO ONE, by Alicia Keys to bring me back).

My dominating feeling yesterday was ANGER…getting off the train this morning I was thinking about love and anger. How can I be angry and still love? I was juggling thoughts about which emotion I would choose to dominate my thoughts and my day… if I have two choices to be angry or walk in love - - which is my guiding force?

LOVE is always my force.

However yesterday, I kept hearing the words from the email: “FOR ALL OF YOUR SKILL…” I kept replaying that to myself - - for all of my skill - - or lack thereof - - I twisted the words even more - - so I could feel a direct hit - - a deeper assault - - for all my skill as a writer - - that I am skill-less - - without skill… and on and on I went. And it may not be how it was meant - - but that’s how I CHOSE to see it.

I had to get some perspective and really look at the source… the person wants a reason to be angry with me – all I can do is stand in love. Worse case scenario is that my family -not support me during my writers journey… (I go back to what I said to my sister - - if what I write makes my family stop speaking to me - -I am willing to risk that if it brings them closer together). It’s a chance I am willing to take.

These thoughts are emotionally draining for me.

Writing is how I heal…
Writing is how I release…
Writing is how I love…

When I allow someone to tell me how to be - - then I stop being me. You might as well put me in a cage.

So I must get back to my core - - back to filling my cup. I was feeling mentally drained and exhausted.

My BFFL Laleet read a passage to me once about people who won’t be ready to hear truth… “Cast not your pearls before swine. Neither give what is holy to dogs.”

This passage came up for me in my meditation while reading One Day My Soul Just Opened Up… the author adds “avoid at all costs giving of your knowledge, time, and energy to unworthy causes and people. How do you know if they are unworthy? If you have to fight with people to accept what you are giving them as an act of love, then they are not worthy.”

“Trying to convince people that there is something you know that could be beneficial to them when they are resistant to hearing you is a waste of valuable resources.” Iyanla Vanzant

I have to keep that in mid as I continue to find my force… that just because I am ready to hear truth, speak truth and live my life that way - - that those closest to me may RESIST it and may not be on the same page at the same time - - but that I must continue to move forward anyway. I am never alone.

The word I am meditating on today is FREEDOM

The ideas that flow through me are free speech, free to be me, free will, free to choose, free to love, free to forgive…all the things that freedom means to me.

“When I am aware of what it takes to maintain my mental, emotional, and physical well being and I make conscious choices toward that goal, I am exercising my freedom.” Iyanla Vanzant

“Freedom is the recognition of the truth.” Iyanla Vanzant

I read today that what determines freedom - - is that once you decide what you want and whether you are willing to do what it takes to get it, you are free to follow your dreams. In order to be free you must be clear about exactly what it is you want and be open to any and all possible means of acquiring what you want.

I really needed to read this today… she closes the chapter on Freedom saying: (I changed some of the words)

“When I stopped comparing myself to others, competing with others, when I was able to honestly want the best for everyone, when I became willing to make choices and accept full responsibility for their consequences, every chain of that held me in a place of mediocrity and unfulfillment fell away…. I discovered freedom as an inherent part of my life the day I stopped telling my force what I wanted and asked how I could serve my force.”

There is something very freeing about knowing that my force believes in me.

“Freedom is a state of mind.” We are always free to choose something else.

What has a hold on you?

Are you free?

Peace~