"Don’t push me~ Cause I’m close to the edge…"

I just got to the office and knew that I needed to get this feeling onto the page immediately…

My morning has started off strangely… I woke up a little before 7:00am with my body telling me a story…a very familiar story…my body was giving me messages - - and now I'm sitting at my desk and haven't even taken off my coat or hat.

I woke up this morning feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck. Where do I begin? I will begin with the end… with last night… the night of Valentines Day. I was completely drained from the day - - I felt pushed around and beat down. Something happened during work that left me exhausted for the rest of the day.

I took my daughter to dinner and to a movie for our special Valentines date… and I sat there kind of quiet not really saying much and she just looked at me and said "Mommy why do you look so depressed" I just smiled at her and said I'm not depressed, everything is fine…I'm just tired. I guess she wasn't the only person I was lying to - - I was trying to lie to myself - fooling myself that the events of the day didn't affect me.

The feeling was all too familiar… I woke up thinking about the last time I felt bullied or pushed around…

I wrote a blog last year called:

Keep it Movin~

http://findingyourforce.blogspot.com/2007/10/keep-it-movin.html


An excerpt:

Wednesday, October 6, 2004
I was awoken at around 3am by my dreams (I believe it was Kevin waking me to create)…

I started to create…
I started to write again…

It felt wonderful. I felt POWERFUL, I was strong, full of life, happy, ready to conquer the world – I was full of energy... I began working on the manuscript that I had started in October 2001, titled "Becoming Me…Its OK in My Skin" I felt fucking fantastic! I put on my nicest outfit, my tallest, sexiest, strappy heals – the gold ones that tie up…I worked until about 6:00am when I woke Courtney up and she couldn't believe that I was already up, dressed, ready to go and in a good mood. She thought we hit the lotto.

It was on!
I was ready!

Until I got to work…RIGHT…the dream job!

So my boss that morning (Oct. 6th) was extra rude, extra demeaning, extra disrespectful and extra demanding – she was just EXTRA!

Once she arrived to the office she began her dictatorship – and I just felt deflated – I felt like I was nothing – POWERFUL was replaced with INSIGNIFICANT. I felt burned…used…I was done…I couldn't do it anymore. She WON – she wanted me to know my place and it was below her and I bowed down…I was severely depressed in that moment after starting my day so high – so grand…in that moment I was completely destroyed….impt to note that my daughter was at work with me that day because she had the day off from school. There was no worse a feeling than having your child see you being disrespected and you not even defending yourself!

I took Courtney to lunch – I didn't eat. I couldn't eat! We found a quiet place to sit… it was an empty cubical and I just put my head down on the desk and surrendered…I gave up – I started crying like a baby and I just kept repeating "I cant do this…I cant do this…I cant do this…" and little miss Courtney just looked over at me – slurping her noodles, with this look of pity for me and she said; "Mommy don't cry…if you're so unhappy just quit! JUST QUIT!

It sounded easy enough…just quit…so I got my ass up and I walked over to my bosses office – the Editor in Chief – I asked her to step outside of her office for a moment (mind you she was in an editorial meeting) and I told her I couldn't do this anymore…and I walked away… KEEP IT MOVIN…

The days that followed were rough – I wasn't thinking straight – did I seriously just walk away from the job of a lifetime…there was NO thinking about where the money was going to come from…NO rational thought…logical and practical were certainly not in my vocabulary in that moment…I just thought fuck it…fuck her! Fuck this~ But I was in PAIN – internally I was destroyed…

Back to TODAY - - this moment…

Have you ever listened to messages your body sends when it speaks?

And not just when it tells you to feed it, make love to it, rest, exercise, sleep, play… today my body is screaming messages to me…saying LISTEN HERE LADY… pay close attention!

So I'm tending to my body…

It's funny… while I was going through it yesterday I didn't feel it - - everything was fine - - I had it all under control… as long as I communicate then all will be good… but it's the aftermath of it… what my body is left feeling today that concerns me.

Today was the first time I was able to do yoga in my house in a few weeks and I knew I needed to make sure I did yoga this morning at home because I couldn't start my day without it… and was having a tough time keeping it moving.

I got out of bed… just sat there feeling really sore for a minute… and was feeling like DAMN… why do I feel like I was just hit by a car?

I got on my computer like I always do first thing in the morning and handled some business then looked at my floor - - at the spot where I do my yoga, my house was quiet, I felt at peace - - so I decided - - let me do some yoga and work out the soreness from my body.

So I got down on the floor laid on my back with my mask on my eyes… got quiet… I was meditating on the words "God is always in complete and perfect control…I will not judge."

My word for today is NONJUDGEMENT (that's really the blog I started to write this morning but something shifted…and I always honor my body shifts).

I was coming to the end of my session and in my prayer position and the words that came into my mind stopped me right in the middle of my prayers – and so I stopped to write them down:

YOU PUSH ME~
You push me to show you
You push me to say
You push me to speak
You push me to prove
You push me to share
You push me to love
You push me to tell you
You push me around
You push too hard
You push me to… push you back~
You push me to pull away~


STOP PUSHING~

That's when the song came to my mind… Don't push me - - cause I'm close to the edge…

MY SONG FOR THE DAY~

And the word that followed that thought was:

PATIENCE~
Be patient Alicia~
But PATIENCE does not mean push over…
Patience does not mean I allow you to walk all over me~.

So here I am again in a familiar place… am I going to walk away… or step up and say… DON'T PUSH ME~ I think I will stand here and not walk away this time… and let you know - - please STOP pushing me because I do PUSH BACK~

Why are we in such a rush?
Why do we push so hard?
What's the prize at the end?
Why can't we wait?
Why do we want everything right now?
How do you deal with pushy people?

Peace~

How do you know~

"How do you know you're in love?"

I was just sitting at my desk thinking about this question. And I'm asking my self this question because I KNOW that I AM IN LOVE with someone.

I'm not just talking about love here… I'm talking about anything WE LOVE… like choices of career paths, our purpose, our direction, friends we keep, even food we like to eat…

People will ask us:

How do you know that he's the one?
How do you know that she's the one?
How do you know you're in love?
How do you know you love them?
What is it about them?
Why do you love them?

It's like people want this fast answer. People demand these answers QUICK….

People want things defined~

Why do we have to justify and explain our reasons to people that HONESTLY SPEAKING and in the grand scope of things have absolutely NOTHING to do with the TWO people who are involved in their development.

Its crazy… the questions, the criticisms, the judgments, the well intentioned intrusiveness - - especially from those closest to us - - but it's really the QUESTIONS that bother me.

I feel like for the most part I don't pay too much attention to what people think about my decisions. BUT when it comes to those I hold closest to my heart - - those people I have a history with - - the people who REALLY know me. Sometimes I feel that their opinions matter - - they are the ones I choose to confide in - - they are who I rely on as trusted sources…and at times I have paid WAYYYY too much attention to what they say, feel and believe. And I have done this because I TRUST the source. I trust that they love me and want the best for me… BUT IS THIS ALWAYS THE CASE??? Can WE always trust where they are coming from?

I have been sitting with these thoughts for the past few days…. Thinking about the things I have shared about my life - - things that mean a lot to me with certain people in my life.

And what I'm thinking about is:

WHAT IS THEIR INTENTION?
WHAT DO THEY WANT FOR ME?
ARE THEY HAPPY FOR ME?
DO THEY REALLY WANT THE BEST FOR ME?

Do people want the best for US - - when they aren't getting or don't possess or aren't working at getting what's best - - for THEM?

So here's a recent example that sort of left me dumbfounded. I shared some exciting news about something that happened to me with someone I care about and they took what I shared and made it ugly… with the QUESTIONS and worrying about next steps… they immediately jumped to the next subject… never once seeming genuinely happy for me… I shared my news and they were ready to turn the page. They pointed to all the things that could go wrong… they painted this picture of worse case scenario - - when I was really just sharing my happiness - - AND THANK YOU KINDLY - - but I wanted to keep that state of happiness. I was like WOW… I just walked away and was like - - MAN I know better next time.

It's not like I was waiting for a…

But some enthusiasm would have been nice.

OK so here's my beef… while my exciting news may not be exciting news to YOU - - why would you crap on it?

People are interesting….

We can get different responses by different people… some people will jump up and down at our successes or accomplishments while others…

How do we deal with people who choose to stay in miserable – helpless states? The Haters~

They claim to want the best for us~

But it's the BEST for US according to whom?

According to WHAT - - is it the best and what's right and comfortable for them?

Why is that I can be in the best mood, happy as a pig in $&%^ - - and then I come in contact with someone who may be ISN'T having the best of luck or a good life or the best day… is it really difficult for us to rise above our own crap and be happy for others.

The other question is… why do we ALLOW their misery to change our happy state?

Why do we allow negative responses to affect our mood?

I have found that at times it can be difficult to take criticisms and I have allowed the thoughts and beliefs of others to offend me… allowing the words they say to become my thoughts - - how do we deflect? How do we not let it in?

Do miserable people really want company?

Do people want the best for US - - when they aren't getting or don't possess or aren't working at getting what's best for THEM?

How do we deal with people who choose to stay in miserable – helpless states?

How do we deal with The Haters~

Peace~

The Benefits of Hard Work and Working Hard~

I could barely sleep at all. I kept my laptop on all night - - just looking at the computer screen. I thought I had dreamt that I received a note that a story I wrote several months ago was published. I text everyone in my circle - - I tried calling my family but NO ONE was awake to jump up and down with.

So at around 1:30am I went to sleep...with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.

NO ONE will ever really know... what that moment felt like for me... it was a combination of shock, surprise, excitement, timing, recognition, validation, LOVE, achievement, accomplishment, gratitude and pure joy~

Then I woke up at 5:00am and went to look at the computer again just to see if it was in fact true that I am finally a PUBLISHED WRITER~

MAN - - this is an amazing feeling... I am just trying to take it all in. Breathing slowly~

Inhaling this moment because it has been my custom to just move quickly - - the stealth fighter - - moving quick to the next thing - - but TODAY - - just for TODAY - - I just want to live in this moment...

This writing thing to me means so very much... its never been and will NEVER BE about money or fame...it truly is about sharing the gifts that I have received. And everything that I write is an offering... (even when i curse you out :) I still will always come in love). But this WRITING THING... is a HUGE thing... is a GREAT thing... is the ONLY thing I have ever wanted to do... WRITING (and my daughter) are the only things that I have wanted to be GREAT at~

AND THIS MOMENT IN MY LIFE~ is one of those moments I will always remember~

So I received my first phone call this morning at 5:54am from my sister.. she wanted to shout it from the roof tops... she just expressed how proud she was of me... and when we hung up this was the text she wrote me:

"I've never been so proud of you! YOU freakin worked your ass off and finally...we get to see it. You go afro latina girl...save the day"

I love my sister - - she is my rock... SOLID...

Hearing those words from her meant so much to me.

Everything that I am and all that I have is because of my family, my parents, sisters, brother, cousins, tia's, tio's and all my ancestors...

And ALL that I DO/WRITE/GIVE is for them... MY HISTORY, CULTURE, EXPERIENCES, MUSIC AND TRADITIONS they never LET me forget HOW DEEP being me IS and where I come from has MADE ME...I am constantly reminded of what I am supposed to do with my gifts and what my being here is REALLY about...

This moment is incredibly overwhelming. When I received that call from my sister Josie I got so emotional after and started crying - - my family has NEVER really read anything that I have ever written. They really didn't understand my writer's life. All they knew about me and writing was that when I was working I never answered the phone. That when I was in flow my phone could be off for ten hours straight. They tried to adjust to my once a week calls when they were used to hearing from me everyday- - used to seeing me just chilling with them drinking coronas hanging and watching TV. They didn't understand my NEED and CALL to CREATE~

When I realized I was a writer I was living in Florida and I would spend alot of time away from my family - - they would be busy having family get togethers in the sala (living rm) with the music blaring, the food was always off the chain - - and daddy playing his instruments and me - - I always had my head in a book or was off typing my novel...and he would get so angry feeling like I was pulling away from the family - - that i was alienating myself - - separating ME from THEM - - and that couldn't be further from the truth. They didn't understand THEN - - but now I think they will. I hope that they will see that all that I was doing was preparing me.... I was being prepared to give and share these gifts about our culture and history with them and the world... And this is what I am doing and will continue to do until my last breathe.

When I look back at this part of my journey - - this FIRST publication. I will remember the hours I spent transcribing notes. How I had just about over 100 pages of transcribed notes - - just from one interview alone I had over 40 pages of handwritten notes... I will remember that the process towards the final draft were deep from 100 pages, to 60, to 30, to 16, to 9 pages and then finally to 3 pages... and 13 drafts in one day later... a story it took 5 days to write and barely any sleep... yes I will enjoy this moment... because I did work my ass off. And I am so thrilled that I have so many people around me who love me - WHO GET IT... and have my back. I am thankful for those around me who are living and those who have passed who guide me and protect me always...and for them and for everything I have and will receive - - UNIVERSE I THANK YOU~

What was your first moment like?

Peace~

A message for my daughters~ I see right through you~

I can feel my heart beating

It's in my breathe

I can see the pulse

In my neck

Urgency…


FUEGO


This urgency

Of things

To be released

My heart is racing….

There is so much I want to say and write today~

So much to say ABOUT the things that are consuming and draining me…

I'm feeling all kinds of emotions…

I feel like my thoughts are coming to me at warp speeds…


STOP


BREATHE

RELEASE

I just got back from going for a ride with a woman who is on her way to the airport… she is on her way to bail out, rescue, care for -- yet again be there for a man who has spent most of their relationship putting her through a living hell.

HE her son… a son who is torturing her… a son who has no regard for HER or respect for women.

He was stabbed several times~

But she'll be there~

And who

Who's the one?

On the way

To save you

To come

To YOUR rescue

And be

By YOUR side

A woman

It's always a woman


The daughters~

It's the women who are there

It's the women who heal

It's the women who give birth

Its they who will be there

It's the women who give

In the END

To the END


I see right through you~


"You didn't think I'd come back

You didn't think I'd show up with my army

And this ammunition on my back"

- Alanis Morissette


Here's the thing~

I see right through you

The other thought that has my mind racing is that I have been accused of writing in metaphors with fancy colors and beautiful landscapes… so I've been challenged to serve my shit straight up… shaken not stirred…

You never said one positive thing to me about her - - one of my DAUGHTERS - - all you did was point out and express how flawed and damaged she was/IS… DAMAGED GOODS that you don't know what to do with or even care to LEARN HOW TO… a special kind of gift that you choose to ignore and should cherish.

To ignore

To ignore

You ignore

Her silent cries

But I can hear YOU my daughter~


You believe

that she will learn

the error of her ways…

AND YOU'RE SO RIGHT…

No thanks to you she will be forced to…

LEARN ON HER OWN

She has NO OTHER CHOICE


Let's be clear

I'm not the girls you have fooled with your words.

You may fool some people some of the time


But not me…

Not this time~


Believe me - - people DO get to a place where they stop being fooled and foolish.


See some may fall for it

And I may be many things

But a fool just ain't ME

ME - I'm NOT the one….

So today's WORDS - -

this love letter that I write…

these words for today….

this message…



Is to inform YOU

that I

I see right through you~



See she's too young

to defend herself

and she may be afraid

to stand up to you

but ME…

Not ME~

I see right through you

And I tower


Me

I am NOT AFRAID~

To let you know

That I

KNOW and that I


I see right through you~

Here's the thing

You use

Oh - - those beautiful words

YOU USE

To capture

To manipulate

To control

Claiming to love…

I see right through you~


BUT,

Just so we're clear…

Make no mistake

Let's not get it twisted

So there's NO CONFUSION…

Today what I write

Is not for YOU

THESE WORDS

They are for HER

The little girl

With deep eyes and no smile.

My daughter

See while you are so busy playing games - spending time on your fancy prose I see right through you.

I have words for you…

I have words that do not come from children's books…

And my words

They pack a mean left hook~

"A vocabulary for days bitch…" – Chris Crocker

AND SO WHAT

BE MAD

THAT I cut our time short

I too have words

But these words

Are NOT

Intended to cut

My words

Are to instruct

You SEE

DO YOU See?

It's all about SHE

SHE needs you

In more ways than you will ever understand

YOU

You have NO idea what she is going through

Yet YOU want HER to figure it out ALONE

ALONE???

THINK about this…

See YOU…

Are playing dangerous games with the hearts of the women you lure… and when you don't get your way you try to punish them. You are the one who USES - - you USE women… You ABUSE women…

I'm here~

AND I see right through you~

I'm onto you~

Punishing

Disrespecting

Never lifting, hugging, holding

The small one

The innocent one

The beautiful one

The one who will love you the longest

The one who will be there forever

Long after the emails, im's and text messages STOP

SHE

The one you ignore

SHE

Will always be there

See ME

I wasn't sent for you

I was SENT FOR HER

You busy focusing on your prince

The one you are raising to take the thrown

The one who will continue what you've started


You CLAIMING to be

So FILLED

With love

And honesty

But none of THAT

Is for the little one~

She fends for herself

Because she doesn't give you what you need

YOU with No regard or love for women

The definition of sexism

At its worst

YOU are at your best

"I see right through you / I walk right through you"

But the little one should not be punished or cheated she is a queen in the making. And as you continue to allow her to wander in darkness KNOW and BELIEVE and TRUST ME WHEN I SAY that she will pick up the necessary armor to protect herself while YOU are so busy spending time with your cyber connections focusing on all the women you THINK YOU have fooled.

I see right through you~

Do they know you write them all the same messages?

I bet they believe they're special

You have them convinced

But the little one

Does she believe she's special?

Have you told her?

Do you write her lovely prose?

HE

The ONE who gives nothing

Has their hearts

Their minds

But they mean nothing to him

It's a game…

The little one

What about her heart?

I see right through you~

So my message to YOU

My beautiful DAUGHTER

Is that I was sent

Sent for you

I was sent to share secrets

You will find me or someone like me

SOON

I will come to you in dreams

You will learn small one

To SEE and DECIPHER the truth

You TOO will learn

To see right through him

In all the forms he will arrive

You too will learn to walk right through him

What I didn't say and perhaps should have is that you deserve and will have so much better than the man who has your heart.

You will learn

You will learn

You will say


"Don't fuck with me~"

"I come in peace but I'm fast and furious and I take NO ONES shit!"

HE

This man who has no value for women

Raising children

Playing the victim

Piss't that a woman

That a woman

That this woman

Took his manhood

His essence

Punishing the little one

One of my daughters


Daughter,

That's how he works

Don't be fooled

That's how he brings the women in

He'll get angry when you don't fall for his game

And ME –

Best BELIEVE that I am not one of the desperate ones

What he doesn't SEE

Is that HE

Is taking what's most valuable to you

My dear daughter

Your INNOCENCE

YOU are my Cielo

KNOW that I'm here when you're ready

I will be here with your arsenal

HE doesn't care about what you need


And to HE

I say

Fuck you

You can't keep the truth from her

Daughter you will stop

You will stop

You will stop

Looking for IT in HE

You will stop

Wanting that love that HE will never give you

And that you deserve


I offer my writing today to the DOTR and all of the daughters…. Specifically the little girl - - my daughter Cielo~

If you have messages for her - - please leave them~


Peace~