You want my life? SERIOUSLY~

You want my life? SERIOUSLY~

You THINK the grass is greener - - but you have NO idea~

I envy you~
I wish I had your life~
You're sooooo lucky~

Do they know what really makes me cry?
Do they know what scares me at night?
Do they know what it took to get here?
Do they know what it takes to stay here?
Do they know THE COST~ because everything has a price?

So you want my life?

What's so great about my life that makes you want it?
What do I have that you DON'T?

I've heard over the last few months many people say to me that they wish they had the adventure - - you want the adventure but not the work it takes to get it…

Yeah… people want the perks - - the good shit - - without working their asses for it… NOTHING COMES EASY… everything has a price… and I am NO DIFFERENT… I am constantly having to pay…

But do they know how I attained… every fucking thing that I have? Y ESO - - I've only just begun to reach everything that is coming to me…

Do they have ANY IDEA what the sacrifices are and have been - - that I have had to make and will continue to make to keep ALL that I have?

Do they know the work it took to live this adventure?

Do they think that it just fell in my lap?

Do they know how sick I was right before I went on this wonderful adventure? How I couldn't get out of bed for a week - - where I couldn't get up from my bed from terrible back pain, nausea and diarrhea… FEARING that LEAVING my DAUGHTER was the worst decision and might have irreparable damage in my relationship with MY daughter…

How could they possibly know that?

The decision to leave her to go work on a documentary was not without incredible pain - - not to mention what SHE my beautiful daughter has had to endure over the past 5 months – without her mother around…. While I am OUT having "an adventure?"

Do they know that I was hospitalized while on "this adventure" that on my return from Haiti I had a fever, parasites, infections in my uterus and liver??? Ill for three weeks straight - - and still managed to keep moving… to keep interviewing… to keep investigating for this doc I am working on…

How could they know?

BELIEVE ME… this blog is not a rant… this is not about anger… this is just to catch you guys up… and also to shed some light on how wonderful my life is… according to what outsiders may believe about this women's perfect life - - this is about the green grass in my yard – the grass under the rainbow that is my life - - the grass with the dead weeds that I have to pull out on a regular.

I am far from perfect~ It has not been easy - - even though it may seem that way… this shit ain't easy… its not supposed to be… this DIOSA falls and gets scraped and bleeds every now and again…

So you say… MAN I WOULD JUMP at the opportunity to travel - - you would die for this opportunity… that it's YOUR dream…

WOULD YOU JUMP?

REALLY….

Would you realllllllllllllly just JUMP???

And if you would just jump…

Why are you still standing on the ledge? Watching… waiting… is it for someone to just come along and push you off the ledge…

The grass isn't always greener… believe me…

One of my good friends said to me last night… "But you only share the good that goes on in your life how are we supposed to know what you're going through"

Yes my friends… even though I faced possible eviction from my apartment last week – for reasons that are ridiculously fucked up… an experience that cut my little adventure short so I could come home and handle my HANDLE - - I am still standing ready to jump off the ledge… because yes I LOVE MY LIFE… yes I know I am blessed… and it's a great life that I have… a life that I LIVE and WALK everyday KNOWING that ALL my choices are what bring the results that I am currently experiencing…

You still want my life?

Peace~

Don’t waste ANOTHER DAY~ there’s NO day but today...

Inspiration today is the musical RENT~

Don't waste ANOTHER DAY~

Friend… not ANOTHER DAY to waste…
Amiga… no se puede perder OTRO DIA…

ANOTHER DAY~

"The heart may freeze
or it can burn
the pain will EASE
if I can learn
there is NO future
there is NO past
I live this moment as my last
Theres only US
Theres only THIS
Forget regret for life is YOURS to miss
No other road
No other way
NO DAY BUT TODAY…"

La vida es una… life is ONE
Don't live your life with regrets…
No pierdes tiempo… manana no esta prometido…
YOUR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISS…
Live each moment…. Tomorrow is not promised…
Be who you are meant to be…
Live life how you are meant to live it…

Yeah its scary… the unknown… no le tengas miedo ha lo desconocido…
No vives tu vida arepentida…

Estoy ha tu lado…

Peace~

Poprocks & Coke~

You know I'll be there.....

Daughter.... THANK YOU... for always being there...

I'll see you there...

baby girl.... thank you for supporting me always...

thank you for loving me....

baby THANK YOU FOR BEING SOOOOOOOOOO STRONG...

I know this shit is hard for YOU... please carry me with you...

I GOT YOU GIRL.... and thank you for always having my back...

and dont let them FUCK WITH YOU... take time for yourself... those mofos are crazy YOU AND I are the only sane ones left in the world...

and if u in the sandwich shop....

KNOW THAT I'll BE THERE FOR YOU...

i love you...

ps... i heard the entire donnas cd today.... IT WAS GOOD... what should i listen to next?

UN AMOR VIRGEN: A virgin love~

A VIRGIN LOVE~ Para la chiquitica...

UN AMOR VIRGEN: A virgin love~

When love begins… its beautiful

When love begins… its light

When love begins… it's a fairytale

When love begins… past loves no longer exists

There's failed love

There's fake love

Even unsure love

There's closed love

There's distrustful love


Is this really loving?

Is this really LOVE?


Then there's virgin love…

a virgin love…

this love is…

Pure love

Innocent love

Unquestioning love

Trusting love

True love

Real love

Full of passion kind of love

Not caught up in the bullshit love

Lasting love

It's you and me love…

Untainted love

Loving freely

Without conditions

I feel you inside me in a way I have never felt anyone

You the mirror image of me LOVE~


I am soooooo not a poet… its not my thing… but what inspired the words I wrote above… is a conversation I had con mi amiga… about losing ones virginity… so I thought about the ways I have given, shared and received love and found myself comparing it to giving up your virginity…

That moment – ESE MOMENTO~

That one gives themselves over – QUE UNO SE ENTREGA~

To that special person – HA ESA PERSONA~

That moment we give ourselves completely OVER to love… to loving someone… no questions asked… and without questioning… ESE MOMENTO QUE NOS ENTREGAMOS COMPLETAMENTE AL AMOR… QUE AMAMOS HA ALGUIEN…SIN PREGUNTAR… Y SIN PREGUNTARNOS…

That moment is much like that moment we give our bodies to that first time… we trust the person… we chose them… we surrender completely… its pure… its innocent… we're scared… its SACRED… we have a moment of doubt… but we give it up… ESE MOMENTO ES IGUAL COMO ENTREGAR NUESTROS CUERPOS POR PRIMERA VEZ… QUE CONFIAMO EN ESA PERSONA COMPLETAMENTE… PERO ESCOJIMOS ESA PERSONA… Y NOS ENTREGAMOS… ES PURO… INOCENTE… SENTIMOS MIEDO… ESE MOMENTO ES ALGO SAGRADO… HAY MOMENTOS DE DUDA… PERO NOS ENTREGAMOS…


What was giving up my virginity like for me?


I guess then I believed I was INLOVE and that THAT PERSON WAS THE ONE… that person and me 4eva. My first time was not enjoyable in fact it was quite terrible… its NOT just that that person wasn't worthy of having me… its that HE didn't value me… he didn't see me as pure… he saw me as a piece of ass. He saw me as a conquest.. HE DIDN'T REALLY SEE ME…

QUE YO SENTIA CUANDO PERDI MI VIRGINIDAD POR PRIMERA VEZ… BUENO YO PENSE QUE YO ESTABA ENAMORADA… QUE ESA PERSONA ERA EL UNICO PARA MI… QUE ERA POR SIEMPRE… ESA PRIMERA VEZ FUE TERRIBLE… NO SOLAMENTE PORQUE EL NO ME MERECIA… FUE QUE NO ME VALORO… NO VIO LO PURO QUE ERA MI AMOR… HE SAW ME LIKE A PIECE OF ASS… NO SE COMO SE DICE EN DOMINICAN… J ME VIO COMO UNA CONQUISTA… Y NUNCA ME VIO – LA PERSONA QUE YO SOY…

On the flip… I saw the act of giving it up as a way I would show him that I LOVED him… so in that moment I not only gave it up… I gave him that pure LOVE that I possessed… that innocent love. I think for the most part we hold on to love much like a virgin holds onto her virginity… waiting for the perfect person to give it ALL to… Y POR EL OTRO LADO… YO LO VI COMO LA MANERA MEJOR DE ESPRESSAR QUE YO LO AMABA… SO EN ESE MOMENTO YO NO SOLAMENTE LE DI MI VIRGINIDAD… YO LE DI ESE AMOR PURO QUE YO POSEO… ESE AMOR INOCENTE… YO CREO QUE POR UN LADO NOSOTROS AGUANTAMOS EL AMOR… NO NOS GUSTA ENTREGARSELO TAN LIBREMENTE COMO LOS VIRGINES NO LE DAN SU VIRGINIDAD A CUALQUIER PERSONA… ESPERANDO QUE LLEGE LA PERSONA PERFECTA PARA ENTREGARSE EN COMPLETO…

Y cuando llegue ese momento… me voy entregar en completo, sin tabues, sin verguenzas, sin preguntas, SIMPLEMENTE SENTIR, SENTIR Y SEGUIR SINTIENDO, ENTREGARME SOLO ENTREGARME…

I can't wait to lose my virginity... mas y mas..

Peace~