Good Morning Family,
I am about to embark on another journey today. Today I leave for Bogota, Colombia for two months to complete my work with the AfroLatinos project.
My partner Renzo and I have spent three years dedicated to this important work. I am excited to spend the next couple of months getting to the finish line. I am heading to South America to write the last six scripts for the film. I am so blessed to have the opportunities that have come to me. Check out the website and trailer at: WWW.AFROLATINOS.TV
11 days to go... as of this moment I have eleven days left to my kickstarter fundraiser campaign... this is the part of my blog where I ask for your support in getting to the finish line. This process has been incredible. On Friday, May 27th I gave my daughter the completed manuscript to Finding Your Force. Words can't describe how it felt to actually hold this finished work. It really did feel like giving birth. I cried when I held it. I cried for all the people who I have met in my life who have left this earth who believed in me and will not have a chance to read my work (but I know they are with me).
This weekend it all felt so real. I can see the book published. I saw the color of the book, the color of the font for the title, FINDING YOUR FORCE, the photo that would go in the cover... this is the part of the journey where I see it take shape as I get closer to seeing it in the bookstores.
That moment of holding 292 pages of my life story felt incredible and I can't wait to share this story with you. I understand that this story is NOT my story--it is OUR story... I hope you will consider backing my project and help spread the word.
Here is today's excerpt:
CHAPTER TWELVE
Prayer: I know that there are NO OBSTACLES~ that all that you put in my path is for my learning… for my greater good. Please help me to release the poison inside of me. I'm miserable, unhappy and feeling unfulfilled in my life. Spiritually I know what I need to nourish myself. I know that I am stronger than this. My writing is suffering. I haven't given it the time it deserves. I haven't given myself the time I deserve. I need to release this tension and anxiety. I know that no one can come in and fix it for me. All the work has to be done internally. I need to get to the core of me… all that is beautiful, loving, compassionate, tender and gentle. Mostly, I want to be able to give ALL that I possess to myself. ALL THAT I GIVE SO FREELY AND OPENLY TO EVERYONE ELSE BUT ME~ I release all that causes me pain. I forgive myself. I surrender all my worries. I don't have to believe what others tell me about my life. I don't have to worry about security... I have all I need. I know who I am! "YO SOY UNA AMAZONA!" No one can take my peace away unless I give it to them. I know YOU got this! I know YOU got me! I am DIVINE! There's nothing in my way. Light shines all around me. I ask YOU to clear my heart of fear. I hold positive thoughts and intentions. I have a mission. I feel my strength. NO WIND can knock me off my path! I know that I am ready! I know that I am a leader! And when I forget YOU always hold my own hand. And so it is~
I affirm: I call forth my strength and I move forward anyway! This journey to healing is not an easy task. Things will appear to knock me off my path. Things will come in to test where I’m at and show ME were I still need some work. And ITS ALL GOOD - - after crying I had to remember where to turn to for my strength and acknowledge that I have been here before and my force reminds me everyday that I'm strong enough to continue~
~
When I walked out on my dream job I had a nervous breakdown. I didn’t need a doctor to diagnose it as such. My nervous system broke down. I was having suicidal thoughts. I was giving up on life. I was giving up on you. I had already given up on me a long time ago. My mind was a mess… our apartment was a perfect reflection of what I was thinking about me. We were living in total chaos and disorder. There was shit everywhere, clutter, clothes and papers. Then ELLEN DEGENERES came in and saved my life.
We stayed at our friend’s apartment for a few days after my purging. I was still incredibly depressed lying on her couch clicking through the channels and stopped on HBO. There was a special about to start called, The Beginning. I was about to change the channel when I saw her walk out on stage. I hadn’t really heard anything about Ellen for a few years since she “came out” on national television. I was curious to hear what she would open with so I watched. Ellen walked on stage to an audience of over 2,000 people who came to see her at the Beacon Theater. I could feel from the television ALL the love for her in that space. I saw how humbled she was by the warm reception.
I just watched her and thought to myself Wow! Ellen is so brave after all of her private and professional life was plastered in every magazine on every talk show. After being the topic of discussion by everyone. I just sat there and thought… she’s gangsta! I don’t know if I could do that. Then I thought shit… she better be funny… there’s a whole lot of people up in there.
The first thing she talked about was how she had been planning the evening and wasn’t sure if she was going to share where she had been over the past three years and all that she had been through. She decided that she was going to tell us the story through an INTERPRETIVE DANCE. When the music started playing, I almost fell off the couch… I could barely breathe… I laughed the entire time. I laughed and laughed. It was so hilarious. The combination of the music, lights and her movement had me on the floor. Her interpretation of “coming out,” dealing with darkness, finding light… all of it made me laugh. I laughed and cried.
They were tears of joy. I had not laughed like that in such a long time. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt joy. I hadn’t felt happy in years. Ellen Degeneres healed me! I had forgotten how to laugh. Ellen gave me permission to laugh again. I could release all the pain I had been feeling. I could turn everything I had been through and laugh at all of it. I didn’t have to live in this darkness. I didn’t have to continue punishing myself for my past. I could laugh. I could be happy everyday that I am alive and am able to start again. So I would tune in everyday to the Ellen show just to watch her dance.
Your tia Josie surprised me with tickets to a live taping of the Ellen show in Burbank, California in 2005. I was so excited. I hoped I’d have an opportunity to tell her exactly how she had impacted my life. I wanted her to know that I was so grateful to her for pulling me out of my darkest hour. I wanted to thank her for being alive and spreading love and laughter. When we arrived to the studio we were really close to where she sat on stage. I was nervous and excited… what would I say to her if I got to meet her? I didn’t know if I would be able to speak to her after her show so I wrote her a letter. I gave it to one of her producers. I don’t know if she ever received it. The show was about to start… I heard them announce Ellen Degeneres and when she walked out on stage I just started crying. I couldn’t control myself.
When you’re in the presence of someone who changes your life like that it’s incredibly profound. Laughter was the beginning of my healing process. There was still so much work to do… there was even more work to undo!
~
I am off family... off to Bogota... let's do this!!!
Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter
Get five or more people to back me… you will get receive a special gift not listed.
Thank you for your support.
Peace, light and LOVE~
Alicia
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
THE END!!!!
Memoir COMPLETE!
No blog today. My fate is in your hands. I am taking some days off to rest but am hoping you all keep reading me... forward my work and help me get the 2K to publish this book.
Please send the link to everyone you know. I will post excerpts again when I reach the thousand mark.
TO BACK ME PLEASE VISIT MY KICKSTARTER PAGE: Finding Your Force~
Thanks so much everyone. See you soon.
Peace, light and LOVE
Alicia
No blog today. My fate is in your hands. I am taking some days off to rest but am hoping you all keep reading me... forward my work and help me get the 2K to publish this book.
Please send the link to everyone you know. I will post excerpts again when I reach the thousand mark.
TO BACK ME PLEASE VISIT MY KICKSTARTER PAGE: Finding Your Force~
Thanks so much everyone. See you soon.
Peace, light and LOVE
Alicia
Monday, May 23, 2011
Chapter 24: HEY, LOOK AT ME WORLD, HERE I AM!!!
CHAPTER 24
It’s not your place~
I have been preparing for this moment for what must have been my entire life - - never really knowing what it was I was preparing for, when or if my dreams were ever really going to come true. I was so inspired after we burned that email… I believed that I was onto something really special—I had a story idea. I sat with the words Its NOT your Place. Its not my place… it reminded me when I was a little girl and would go to Santo Domingo how the kids would make fun of me… mira a esa gringita. Because I was born in the United States they called me gringa. To me it felt like a bad word. Gringa felt very unwelcoming. They weren’t trying to compliment me. I felt excluded. They thought that this gringa couldn’t speak Spanish and that I couldn’t dance.
When you’re a little girl you want so much to belong. I think I grew up my entire life trying to find that place where I could feel apart of something. Coming up in the 70’s in New York there were one of two groups you belonged to. You were either black or white. I wasn’t light enough to be white and I wasn’t dark enough to be black. There was no Latino. Those who were a hint of beige darker than the average white person were automatically black. So hearing as an adult…it’s not your place. Threw me… it jumpstarted my heart and pushed towards finding my place. it was a moment of revelation and self-acceptance. For me it became, wait a minute, not only am I Latina, but I am black also and not only is my right… but it is my place to write our story. So in June 2007 I pitched my very first story idea titled, “Will the Real Black Girl Please Stand Up” to Essence Magazine. The story for me was about unifying this divide that seemed to exist between African Americans and Latinos. I wanted to tell the story of the shared history that existed within both cultures. The story was about Afrolatinos, the 150 million Afro descendants that currently exist in Latin America. I never got back so much as an acknowledgement for that email. I was little disappointed. REJECTION SUCKS.
I sent it to the Editor-in-Chief of Urban Latino Magazine. The editor-in-chief responded the very next day, telling me she loved my story idea and would like to run it. Dream come true right? Wrong! When I received the email that she was interested in the story I knew that I needed to begin writing it.
After the initial email of interest weeks went by and the EIC hadn't gotten back to me. I was a little disappointed but I said fuck it. I'm still gonna write this story even if I write it just for me. So I kept on going.
~~~~~~~~~~~
That’s when it happened… exactly like we've read about… exactly like we've heard so many people say that "IT happens” when you least expect IT!" Just as it says in the Alchemist when one walks towards their dreams the universe conspires to make it happen. It happened to me...the very next day on October 17th around noon. There it was…an email on my blackberry from the EIC: "Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but I most definitely want to print your social feature in our November issue… Can you get me a 2000 word draft by Monday, October 22nd?"
I sat with that question for a minute (can I get her a 2000 word story)?
When I hit the send button at 7:44pm, Monday October 22, 2007, I just sat there in front of the computer for about 15 minutes in complete silence and prayer and gratitude. Because for me it had nothing to do with being published nor did it have anything to do with the EIC liking the story, or the fact that the title of my story would appear in the cover, or that there would be a photo and bio of me in the contributors page. I HIT SAVE AND SEND. The moment of pure ACHIEVEMENT and EXHILARATION for me came with hitting SEND. In that moment – I finished it! THAT moment was the greatest accomplishment and best feeling in the world. I did it! I had no idea when it would come out but I was ecstatic.
A week later I left my office and needed to run an errand. It was really dreary out. I was wearing my yellow raincoat… bright ass yellow… you could see me coming from miles away. I was walking up 7th Avenue with the biggest smile (ear to ear), I had my ipod on and I was listening to Barbra Streisand. As I was walking to the bank I was thinking about ALL that we've been through together and all that it has taken for us to finally MAKE IT in NEW YORK. I am so thrilled to finally feel and say that I have MADE IT. WE MADE IT!!!
So as I am walking, listening to Barbra's incredible voice telling me, "HEY, LOOK AT ME WORLD, HERE I AM..." that's when I realized all I've been through, what the payoff has been for all the pain I've endured. It was always about the lessons learned. It was about me appreciating all the beautiful things that surround me. In that moment while I walked up 7th Avenue all I could see in front of me were the 1000's of people coming toward me, and the feeling of complete and total happiness that filled me. It was this feeling of joy and love that I was emitting... it was electricity that everyone who walked by me took notice and smiled because my smile touched them.
HEY, LOOK AT ME WORLD, HERE I AM... I felt like Barbra singing and Mary Tyler Moore flipping her hat up in the air ALL at the same time. I finally arrived. I am so very proud, blessed and grateful for every gift and every person I have ever met. My writing career is born!
Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter
Get five or more people to back me… you will get receive a special gift not listed.
Thank you for your support.
Peace, light and LOVE~
Alicia
It’s not your place~
I have been preparing for this moment for what must have been my entire life - - never really knowing what it was I was preparing for, when or if my dreams were ever really going to come true. I was so inspired after we burned that email… I believed that I was onto something really special—I had a story idea. I sat with the words Its NOT your Place. Its not my place… it reminded me when I was a little girl and would go to Santo Domingo how the kids would make fun of me… mira a esa gringita. Because I was born in the United States they called me gringa. To me it felt like a bad word. Gringa felt very unwelcoming. They weren’t trying to compliment me. I felt excluded. They thought that this gringa couldn’t speak Spanish and that I couldn’t dance.
When you’re a little girl you want so much to belong. I think I grew up my entire life trying to find that place where I could feel apart of something. Coming up in the 70’s in New York there were one of two groups you belonged to. You were either black or white. I wasn’t light enough to be white and I wasn’t dark enough to be black. There was no Latino. Those who were a hint of beige darker than the average white person were automatically black. So hearing as an adult…it’s not your place. Threw me… it jumpstarted my heart and pushed towards finding my place. it was a moment of revelation and self-acceptance. For me it became, wait a minute, not only am I Latina, but I am black also and not only is my right… but it is my place to write our story. So in June 2007 I pitched my very first story idea titled, “Will the Real Black Girl Please Stand Up” to Essence Magazine. The story for me was about unifying this divide that seemed to exist between African Americans and Latinos. I wanted to tell the story of the shared history that existed within both cultures. The story was about Afrolatinos, the 150 million Afro descendants that currently exist in Latin America. I never got back so much as an acknowledgement for that email. I was little disappointed. REJECTION SUCKS.
I sent it to the Editor-in-Chief of Urban Latino Magazine. The editor-in-chief responded the very next day, telling me she loved my story idea and would like to run it. Dream come true right? Wrong! When I received the email that she was interested in the story I knew that I needed to begin writing it.
After the initial email of interest weeks went by and the EIC hadn't gotten back to me. I was a little disappointed but I said fuck it. I'm still gonna write this story even if I write it just for me. So I kept on going.
~~~~~~~~~~~
That’s when it happened… exactly like we've read about… exactly like we've heard so many people say that "IT happens” when you least expect IT!" Just as it says in the Alchemist when one walks towards their dreams the universe conspires to make it happen. It happened to me...the very next day on October 17th around noon. There it was…an email on my blackberry from the EIC: "Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but I most definitely want to print your social feature in our November issue… Can you get me a 2000 word draft by Monday, October 22nd?"
I sat with that question for a minute (can I get her a 2000 word story)?
When I hit the send button at 7:44pm, Monday October 22, 2007, I just sat there in front of the computer for about 15 minutes in complete silence and prayer and gratitude. Because for me it had nothing to do with being published nor did it have anything to do with the EIC liking the story, or the fact that the title of my story would appear in the cover, or that there would be a photo and bio of me in the contributors page. I HIT SAVE AND SEND. The moment of pure ACHIEVEMENT and EXHILARATION for me came with hitting SEND. In that moment – I finished it! THAT moment was the greatest accomplishment and best feeling in the world. I did it! I had no idea when it would come out but I was ecstatic.
A week later I left my office and needed to run an errand. It was really dreary out. I was wearing my yellow raincoat… bright ass yellow… you could see me coming from miles away. I was walking up 7th Avenue with the biggest smile (ear to ear), I had my ipod on and I was listening to Barbra Streisand. As I was walking to the bank I was thinking about ALL that we've been through together and all that it has taken for us to finally MAKE IT in NEW YORK. I am so thrilled to finally feel and say that I have MADE IT. WE MADE IT!!!
So as I am walking, listening to Barbra's incredible voice telling me, "HEY, LOOK AT ME WORLD, HERE I AM..." that's when I realized all I've been through, what the payoff has been for all the pain I've endured. It was always about the lessons learned. It was about me appreciating all the beautiful things that surround me. In that moment while I walked up 7th Avenue all I could see in front of me were the 1000's of people coming toward me, and the feeling of complete and total happiness that filled me. It was this feeling of joy and love that I was emitting... it was electricity that everyone who walked by me took notice and smiled because my smile touched them.
HEY, LOOK AT ME WORLD, HERE I AM... I felt like Barbra singing and Mary Tyler Moore flipping her hat up in the air ALL at the same time. I finally arrived. I am so very proud, blessed and grateful for every gift and every person I have ever met. My writing career is born!
Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter
Get five or more people to back me… you will get receive a special gift not listed.
Thank you for your support.
Peace, light and LOVE~
Alicia
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Chapter 25: It felt wrong. My upbringing was blocking the love I was receiving and feeling.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Dec 25, 2007
I had a conversation with God today and SHE told me SHE loved me! This evening I meditated on the word Unconditional Love.
There was a moment in my life when I was truly afraid to be loved unconditionally. I was afraid of what it would do to me if I had it or it left me. I was afraid that love was painful. I believed that love hurts, love betrays, love beats, love disappoints, love demeans, love belittles, love breaks, that true love doesn't exist, that I would never be loved and that I would never find love. I was convinced that love destroys, that love leaves, that love lies, that love dies, and worse that love ends.
I was being forced to look at where I’ve been and where I’m headed. I needed to ask myself, Alicia, am I open to ALL the experiences of my life? Am I open to different expressions of LOVE? Will I allow opportunities to pass me by? Will I allow my soul mate to just pass me by on the street without even so much as a hello? I can not control what is happening to me. What I do know is that I will not run away from love. I won't fear love. I know that I am worthy of love WE ALL ARE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Creator, please send me a love unlike anything I’ve ever experienced… a love unlike anything I’ve ever known.
Everyday during meditation I prayed for the same things. I gave thanks for everything. You hated that I prayed before every meal, saying, “c’mon mom! I’m starving! You don’t have to say thank you for your jeans, your sneakers and your t-shirt… c’mon lets eat.” It was important for me to give thanks for everything we had and all that we were receiving because I know what life has been like for me without having faith and expressing gratitude. I didn’t care what you said—I prayed everyday. I was thankful to the creator for another day to begin again. Thankful that you were always protected and guided. God brought you home to me safe everyday and I was grateful. I prayed for the protection of my family and for everyone I know and I prayed for all those I don’t know. I prayed for the homeless that they would have food to eat and some place warm to sleep. I prayed for all the little children who have been abused or broken that they would hold onto some of their innocence and know that they are loved. And during my daily prayers I would ask my creator to send me a love unlike anything I’ve ever experienced… a love unlike anything I’ve ever known.
"Most of us remain strangers to ourselves, hiding who we are, and ask other strangers, hiding who they are, to love us." – Leo Buscaglia
Careful what you wish for… you just might get it. I can’t tell you how many yoga sessions I’ve had where my closing prayer ended the same. I would ask the universe to send me the most magnificent expression of love. So when she arrived… she was definitely A LOVE UNLIKE ANYTHING I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED. Those first conversations seemed fluid. We connected on a spiritual level. We were both writers, both single mothers raising teenagers. We talked every day for a few weeks. At first it was just about writing. We shared poetry. Something started happening. I started to feel things. This was unfamiliar territory. Was I attracted to her? Was I feeling her in the same way that I had always felt men? Did I like her – like her… like that? Was I having romantic feelings for her? I had never felt this way before. Things were happening to me and I was confused. What I felt was beautiful… but it scared me. It felt wrong… my upbringing was blocking the love I was receiving and feeling.
Then it happened one day. I was at war with myself. I was so confused. There was so much against me. I was feeling things for this person but I was torn. I was in the middle of yoga and I could not hold my poses. I kept falling and falling. I was crying throughout my meditation. My chest was tight. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. This was foreign to me. I prayed on it. I was reading excerpts from the bible and every passage that I read was about how women would be stoned for this or that. Honor thy man!!! God made Eve for Adam… men and women were made to procreate… and anything outside of that is a sin. I was going through an internal battle. I wanted to push what I was feeling out of my body. I wanted to resist what I was feeling for this woman. I really believed that I was going to go to hell for loving her. That day during yoga, as my eyes were closed as I cried and cried and prayed for an answer. I knew that my creator would want me to feel love. I could no longer deny myself who I am. Finally, I gave in… I allowed myself to feel everything… I released my religious and spiritual battle and gave into what was happening to me. I accepted that I was gay.
We were in bed when I told you. We held each other. I looked and you said, “Baby, I need to tell you something.”
“What’s up mom?”
“I’m in love with a woman… I’m gay.”
You looked at me and said, “Are you sure momma?” I said yes. You asked me if I was happy. I said yes… I’m very happy. You just looked at me and said, “If you’re happy then I’m happy for you. That’s cool my momma’s gay.”
Your opinion and approval was the only one that mattered to me. Once I came out to you I felt free I was liberated. I was so excited about this new chapter of my life. It was like I was born again. Everything was new to me. It felt like there was always just one piece missing to my puzzle and that I finally figured it out. The moment I came out to you was one of the most special days of my life. The moment that I accepted that I was a lesbian was a moment of COMPLETION. I felt like I was finally a complete being. I wanted to share it the world. I wanted to shout it from the highest building. Once I knew that I had your love and support I figured everyone else would just follow. I believed that the entire family would love me anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter
Get five or more people to back me… you will get receive a special gift not listed.
Thank you for your support.
Peace, light and LOVE~
Alicia
Dec 25, 2007
I had a conversation with God today and SHE told me SHE loved me! This evening I meditated on the word Unconditional Love.
There was a moment in my life when I was truly afraid to be loved unconditionally. I was afraid of what it would do to me if I had it or it left me. I was afraid that love was painful. I believed that love hurts, love betrays, love beats, love disappoints, love demeans, love belittles, love breaks, that true love doesn't exist, that I would never be loved and that I would never find love. I was convinced that love destroys, that love leaves, that love lies, that love dies, and worse that love ends.
I was being forced to look at where I’ve been and where I’m headed. I needed to ask myself, Alicia, am I open to ALL the experiences of my life? Am I open to different expressions of LOVE? Will I allow opportunities to pass me by? Will I allow my soul mate to just pass me by on the street without even so much as a hello? I can not control what is happening to me. What I do know is that I will not run away from love. I won't fear love. I know that I am worthy of love WE ALL ARE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Creator, please send me a love unlike anything I’ve ever experienced… a love unlike anything I’ve ever known.
Everyday during meditation I prayed for the same things. I gave thanks for everything. You hated that I prayed before every meal, saying, “c’mon mom! I’m starving! You don’t have to say thank you for your jeans, your sneakers and your t-shirt… c’mon lets eat.” It was important for me to give thanks for everything we had and all that we were receiving because I know what life has been like for me without having faith and expressing gratitude. I didn’t care what you said—I prayed everyday. I was thankful to the creator for another day to begin again. Thankful that you were always protected and guided. God brought you home to me safe everyday and I was grateful. I prayed for the protection of my family and for everyone I know and I prayed for all those I don’t know. I prayed for the homeless that they would have food to eat and some place warm to sleep. I prayed for all the little children who have been abused or broken that they would hold onto some of their innocence and know that they are loved. And during my daily prayers I would ask my creator to send me a love unlike anything I’ve ever experienced… a love unlike anything I’ve ever known.
"Most of us remain strangers to ourselves, hiding who we are, and ask other strangers, hiding who they are, to love us." – Leo Buscaglia
Careful what you wish for… you just might get it. I can’t tell you how many yoga sessions I’ve had where my closing prayer ended the same. I would ask the universe to send me the most magnificent expression of love. So when she arrived… she was definitely A LOVE UNLIKE ANYTHING I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED. Those first conversations seemed fluid. We connected on a spiritual level. We were both writers, both single mothers raising teenagers. We talked every day for a few weeks. At first it was just about writing. We shared poetry. Something started happening. I started to feel things. This was unfamiliar territory. Was I attracted to her? Was I feeling her in the same way that I had always felt men? Did I like her – like her… like that? Was I having romantic feelings for her? I had never felt this way before. Things were happening to me and I was confused. What I felt was beautiful… but it scared me. It felt wrong… my upbringing was blocking the love I was receiving and feeling.
Then it happened one day. I was at war with myself. I was so confused. There was so much against me. I was feeling things for this person but I was torn. I was in the middle of yoga and I could not hold my poses. I kept falling and falling. I was crying throughout my meditation. My chest was tight. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. This was foreign to me. I prayed on it. I was reading excerpts from the bible and every passage that I read was about how women would be stoned for this or that. Honor thy man!!! God made Eve for Adam… men and women were made to procreate… and anything outside of that is a sin. I was going through an internal battle. I wanted to push what I was feeling out of my body. I wanted to resist what I was feeling for this woman. I really believed that I was going to go to hell for loving her. That day during yoga, as my eyes were closed as I cried and cried and prayed for an answer. I knew that my creator would want me to feel love. I could no longer deny myself who I am. Finally, I gave in… I allowed myself to feel everything… I released my religious and spiritual battle and gave into what was happening to me. I accepted that I was gay.
We were in bed when I told you. We held each other. I looked and you said, “Baby, I need to tell you something.”
“What’s up mom?”
“I’m in love with a woman… I’m gay.”
You looked at me and said, “Are you sure momma?” I said yes. You asked me if I was happy. I said yes… I’m very happy. You just looked at me and said, “If you’re happy then I’m happy for you. That’s cool my momma’s gay.”
Your opinion and approval was the only one that mattered to me. Once I came out to you I felt free I was liberated. I was so excited about this new chapter of my life. It was like I was born again. Everything was new to me. It felt like there was always just one piece missing to my puzzle and that I finally figured it out. The moment I came out to you was one of the most special days of my life. The moment that I accepted that I was a lesbian was a moment of COMPLETION. I felt like I was finally a complete being. I wanted to share it the world. I wanted to shout it from the highest building. Once I knew that I had your love and support I figured everyone else would just follow. I believed that the entire family would love me anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter
Get five or more people to back me… you will get receive a special gift not listed.
Thank you for your support.
Peace, light and LOVE~
Alicia
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