Meditation 17: One day you will know what to do and you will BEGIN!

“One day you knew what you had to do to begin and you began!”

Do you know what its time to walk towards?

For me the answer is… I am walking towards my GREATNESS because that is where my greatest work resides.

How can we learn the lessons from the experiences of others?

Take the best of them and return to ourselves.

Do you think people choose to be alone? Today that’s what I am thinking about. I am thinking about the people who MUST isolate themselves in order TO GET IT DONE! In order to get things done. Whether that’s finish a book, write a song, have their play on Broadway… there are things that must be done in solitude in order to realize your dreams. Most people will never dare devote themselves to their cause.

So YES… I AM GOING there and using the “J” word! Whether you believe in him or not!

Even Jesus Christ was ostracized and left out there alone. He had a journey to walk and he walked it alone. No one took that walk for him or with him. Jesus was here to do something and he didn’t leave until he completed the task. Jesus was kicked. He was stoned and spat on. One of his disciples even denied knowing him. Another betrayed him. But he kept walking – he had something to do and he put his life on the line. Are we willing to DIE FOR WHAT WE WANT! Do we want it THAT BADLY?

What is the ONE THING you know you must do?

Do you know what it is time to walk towards?

That’s what I am meditating on… the things that I MUST DO to arrive to where I am destined to be. I AM coming back to myself. I am returning home!

For a while I was feeling like I’ve been running from something. Now I’m running towards something. AND YES I AM WILLING TO DIE TO HAVE ALL I DESIRE!

Some people, places and things MUST BE AVOIDED for healing to happen~

This is why I isolate myself. I isolate myself for healing to happen. There are toxic people out there in the world. There are people who do not have our best interest at heart. There are people who do not have the best of intentions and these are the people we must let go. The only thing we are running out of - - is time! We must begin what we were born to do NOW! We must become who we were born to be--NOW! We must begin NOW! It doesn’t matter that it’s December 30, 2011—start today!

“No more time for getting it wrong, no more time for playing it small, you must focus on exactly what you want to do and exactly who you need to be.” Age in Miracles, Marianne Williamson

In October, I had a book reading at Bowdoin College in Maine where I spent time with students talking about culture and identity and the things that shape us. So much has been rising for me with this book tour. It’s as if I am reliving moments from my past over and over again as I read the words from the book out loud. I felt exposed in a way I wasn’t really prepared for. A professor at Bowdoin talked a little about this new midlife and so I started reading a book recently titled: “The age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife,” in hopes that I would gain some insight into all I’ve been feeling lately.

Over the years I have written 1000 of pages of blogs. I have filled close to 70 journals with my writing and have shared my personal story in every possible way. Yet today I am living a new story… I am starting a new chapter. I am entering my “midlife.” And this new story requires a deeper digging that I wasn’t ready for.

So lets walk… today is a new day. It’s an opportunity for me to begin again… I am open to the miracles that are coming today…

I will always remember that one day I knew what I had to do and I began~ and for that knowing I am so grateful. And so it is~

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ by Mary Oliver ~

I AFFIRM: Today I know what I must do… and I will begin.


Peace, light and LOVE~

Meditation 16: Lesson Learned!

Today I am meditating on the question: How do you get in your own way?

So I asked myself: How do I get in my own way? How have I created blocks that have kept me from living my purpose?

This is my greatest lesson… here is where I discover the truth found in the darkness. This has been the foundation of me being stuck. This is my… AHA! Moment!

I read yesterday that we are always in a cycle. We will keep getting the same lessons until we get it right and this knowing alone has me smiling because there are just some lessons I have no desire to repeat.

What have I learned? What are the lessons for me in this experience?

For each of us the answers to these questions will be different. The lessons will appear in crazy ways. For me… my lessons are always brutal. My lessons tend to be quite painful but nevertheless so important for my learning and the only way I ever make any sense of it is by getting still. That’s the lesson I learned. When I begin to question or feel confused… all I need to do is get still. Getting still isn’t just some corny meditation… it’s really about being with oneself… it’s turning within and getting quiet so we can tune into what the internal messages are. Our bodies will always tell us what it needs.

Anytime I’d feel progress or good things were happening in my life I would self – sabotage and retreat to moments where I felt I wasn’t worthy. I would push my good away. That’s what had me so sad—-that so many beautiful things have arrived to my life and I would push my happiness away. All the old feelings would rise. Unwelcomed demons from my past would show up and I would just invite them into my space, feed them dinner and allow for my joy to slip from me. I was doing this for quite a few months after my book launched.

“Spiritual power isn’t given to us it has to be earned. And it is often earned through suffering.” Marianne Williamson

But today I am done with that -- lesson learned. I am living from a more truthful place and the truth is the universe wants me to succeed. The truth is I will succeed. The truth is the universe supports me in all that I am doing and I accept. The truth is I deserve to be happy. The truth is I am divinely favored and loved!

I AFFIRM:

I allow for goodness to come to me~
I am living from a more truthful place and the truth is the universe wants me to succeed.
The truth is I will succeed.
The universe supports me in all that I am doing.
The truth is I am here to serve.
The truth is I am alive and so happy to be here.
I call forth all the good the Divine has for me.
When thoughts of self-sabotage arise I push them away and remember who I am.
The truth is light shines all around me~
And so it is~

Peace, light and LOVE~

Meditation 15: Get out of your own way!

Journal Entry: November 10, 2011

Today is a beautiful day. I woke up at 5:00am and the first thought on my mind was my upcoming book tour.

I am so happy to be starting a new journal today.

Something has had me stuck and unable to move on. I have been holding onto chains of my past that were keeping me imprisoned. Life is a cycle and the same things will happen over and over again until I get them right. I have heard this on more than one occasion, that until we learn the lesson we will continue to go through similar experiences. (Basically, we will continue to go through the same shit until we get it right!)

This darkness that rises for me… feels different everyday. What I have come to understand is that there is something I must learn. There is a truth to be found in the darkness. This feeling that I deserve to live in my past or that I should continue to be punished for the person that people believed me to be then whether or not it was true~ IS JUST NOT the truth of who I am.

This has been a constant internal battle with a demon that doesn’t want me to be happy. My God is stronger than any demon. My force is mightier than any person. My spirit guides will win every battle over any darkness ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I don’t have to be afraid because I will win this war… I have already won. I am coming out of darkness as we speak. My force has come right in and saved me as she always does. She loves me and wants nothing but the best for me. She always reminds me that she is sitting right here – right next to me and she will never allow anyone or anything to hurt me. (I love you Courtney).

As the sun is beginning to rise today I am feeling so strong. The sky is clear. The light is shining through my windows… it is so bright. It feels like a summer day in my apartment and I am so happy in this moment.

I AFFIRM: Today, I am getting out of my own way. Today, I know my force has never abandoned me. Today, I know that I am never alone. And so it is!


Peace, light and LOVE

Meditation 14: Chosen at birth~

Journal Entry: Wednesday, November 9th

Mother God is birthing though me!

At every moment I am being renewed, revitalized everything I need is already here. I am going through some birthing pains. I am giving birth and releasing this post partum depression.

During my meditation today I realized that I have been going though labor pains for quite a while. These labor pains came immediately after giving birth to my first book “Finding Your Force!”

So much has come up for me. So many unexpected things have risen for me. This overwhelming feeling that I am nowhere near where I should be or that I have somehow failed.

What I forget is that I am like a newborn child giving birth to a mother and this postpartum depression that I have been suffering from has been paralyzing me. I have forgotten who I am and I have forgotten why it is that I have been chosen to do this.

Just as my daughter chose me to be her mother, my creator has chosen me to live a life of continued birthing and creating.

That’s what this writing is for me—the birthing of new. That’s what my spiritual practice is about… it’s my journey towards constant giving birth and going this renewal process over and over again of death and rebirth. It is all part of my life cycle… and so this postpartum depression comes along with it.

So as I die to the old me… I welcome the new me. And I thank Mother God for birthing through me right now and I welcome you.

I am so much stronger now… yet there are just a few more things I need to learn.

I AFFIRM:

As the old me dies, the new me I am giving birth to is absolutely beautiful~
Allow me to be renewed~
Allow me to be a temple~
Allow me to walk with grace~
Allow me to walk with love and in love~
And so it is