Friday, December 12, 2008

You want my life? SERIOUSLY~

You want my life? SERIOUSLY~

You THINK the grass is greener - - but you have NO idea~

I envy you~
I wish I had your life~
You're sooooo lucky~

Do they know what really makes me cry?
Do they know what scares me at night?
Do they know what it took to get here?
Do they know what it takes to stay here?
Do they know THE COST~ because everything has a price?

So you want my life?

What's so great about my life that makes you want it?
What do I have that you DON'T?

I've heard over the last few months many people say to me that they wish they had the adventure - - you want the adventure but not the work it takes to get it…

Yeah… people want the perks - - the good shit - - without working their asses for it… NOTHING COMES EASY… everything has a price… and I am NO DIFFERENT… I am constantly having to pay…

But do they know how I attained… every fucking thing that I have? Y ESO - - I've only just begun to reach everything that is coming to me…

Do they have ANY IDEA what the sacrifices are and have been - - that I have had to make and will continue to make to keep ALL that I have?

Do they know the work it took to live this adventure?

Do they think that it just fell in my lap?

Do they know how sick I was right before I went on this wonderful adventure? How I couldn't get out of bed for a week - - where I couldn't get up from my bed from terrible back pain, nausea and diarrhea… FEARING that LEAVING my DAUGHTER was the worst decision and might have irreparable damage in my relationship with MY daughter…

How could they possibly know that?

The decision to leave her to go work on a documentary was not without incredible pain - - not to mention what SHE my beautiful daughter has had to endure over the past 5 months – without her mother around…. While I am OUT having "an adventure?"

Do they know that I was hospitalized while on "this adventure" that on my return from Haiti I had a fever, parasites, infections in my uterus and liver??? Ill for three weeks straight - - and still managed to keep moving… to keep interviewing… to keep investigating for this doc I am working on…

How could they know?

BELIEVE ME… this blog is not a rant… this is not about anger… this is just to catch you guys up… and also to shed some light on how wonderful my life is… according to what outsiders may believe about this women's perfect life - - this is about the green grass in my yard – the grass under the rainbow that is my life - - the grass with the dead weeds that I have to pull out on a regular.

I am far from perfect~ It has not been easy - - even though it may seem that way… this shit ain't easy… its not supposed to be… this DIOSA falls and gets scraped and bleeds every now and again…

So you say… MAN I WOULD JUMP at the opportunity to travel - - you would die for this opportunity… that it's YOUR dream…



Would you realllllllllllllly just JUMP???

And if you would just jump…

Why are you still standing on the ledge? Watching… waiting… is it for someone to just come along and push you off the ledge…

The grass isn't always greener… believe me…

One of my good friends said to me last night… "But you only share the good that goes on in your life how are we supposed to know what you're going through"

Yes my friends… even though I faced possible eviction from my apartment last week – for reasons that are ridiculously fucked up… an experience that cut my little adventure short so I could come home and handle my HANDLE - - I am still standing ready to jump off the ledge… because yes I LOVE MY LIFE… yes I know I am blessed… and it's a great life that I have… a life that I LIVE and WALK everyday KNOWING that ALL my choices are what bring the results that I am currently experiencing…

You still want my life?