Friday, October 9, 2009

TAW: Week THREE – Assignment 1~ Back to my childhood~

Completed: September 9, 2009

In this task I am asked to describe my childhood room~

What WAS my favorite thing about it?

What IS my favorite thing about my room TODAY?

The first thing that came to mind was: I live on the INSIDE now! I NO LONGER wish to escape – to run away. These days I am running TOWARDS something better / SAFER~
Describing my child hood room brings back so many memories… bunk beds with my brother… the many times I was punished… family gatherings every weekend~

… I was born in Bushwick, a Brooklyn girl… raised in Queens NY – Woodhaven Court / ozone park, 95-01 was the street address. I would walk up the stoop enter the front door turn left and enter the house. When you enter the first room you’re in the living room –three large windows on the left.

The couch was underneath the window – directly in front of you was dads amazing stereo system and his many LP’s… directly in front of the sofa was the TV – to the right of the TV was a doorway with NO door that lead right into our bedroom – me, Fabio, and Josie shared the room (Fabiana wasn’t born quite yet…)

My room I can’t remember the color of the walls - -I want to say they were brown paneling – you walk through that door way and to the left was my parents bedroom to the right was the stairway… leading downstairs (my parents wall was made out of this thin plastic – we could hear our parents talking at night and giggling and quite possible working on creating sibling #4). Our bedroom was the small space between our parents room and the stairs…

In my bedroom there was a huge window… I used to love staring outside that window – it over looked the back yard, which was a driveway, and about a block up there was a bridge—an overpass for where I could see Woodhaven Boulevard.

All of our houses in the neighborhood were brick… and connected – so it was one long driveway for the entire block… my favorite part of the room was that WINDOW and the back of my bureau which I used to tag… “Lady Love” was my name. I spent many moments just staring outside of that window – daydreaming – wishing my life was different – wanting to escape – counting the cars that would pass over that ramp. Wanting to be in one of those cars driving AWAY. That room was also the space where my first boyfriend and I fooled around… but unfortunately, the only good thing I can remember about that room was wanting to LEAVE~

My favorite thing about my room about NOW… today, 2009 – has got to be my bed which serves as a couch / my bedroom. Its in the living room – its also the dining room – my office and spiritual space… where I do yoga… where I held the first meeting of the NYC Latina Writers Group… where many women have gathered to celebrate the beauty found in their words… its my shared space with my daughter Courtney---- our sanctuary… so many great movies and conversations had in that space… its where I fell in love with me. It’s the first place I can call HOME~ I have felt so much warmth and love in that space… my sanctuary… its safe… it’s welcoming… I’ve created so much here… so much of who I have become has been formed in that space… its now about me living on the INSIDE now - - no longer wanting be on the outside of that window… I feel whole~

And so it is~

PS. The last thing I wrote… I feel whole… a part of me feels really broken… a part of me misses the SECURITY I felt in my space. A part of me is still traveling around the world and looks forward to being at HOME with me.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

TAW: Week THREE – recovering a Sense of POWER~

This week is about recovering a Sense of POWER~ It’s about dealing with anger… taking our ideas seriously and treating ourselves WELL~ this chapter in THE ARTIST WAY (TAW) is very challenging… a lot of work… and somewhat painful~

“Anger is the firestorm that signals the DEATH of our OLD life…anger is the fuel that propels us into our new ONE” The Artist Way…

In this chapter we learn about synchronicity, “we call it anything but what it is… the hand of God, or good, activated by our own hand when we act in behalf of our truest dreams, when we commit to our own soul…”

Synchronicity is what happens when we ANSWER our call… its what happens when things seem to just fall into place. We start moving towards that thing we want and doors just open… unexplainable, beautiful things start happening. “We like to pretend its is hard to follow our hearts dreams. The truth is, it is difficult to avoid walking through the many doors that will open~” TAW

It’s that thing we DISCOVER… that thing that just comes to us.
“A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a PREPARED mind” albert szent-gyorgyi

“Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish” OVID

I loved reading about what our responsibilities are as CREATIVE beings… that we must “remember that creativity is a tribal experience and that tribal leaders will initiate the gifted youngsters who cross their path.” This is the effect we have on the world~

About commitment Julia Cameron says:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (or creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.”

But once we are THERE… once we are READY to move forward:

“All sorts of things occur to help one that would otherwise never have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in ones favor all manner of incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man would have believed would have come his way.”

“Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities” William bridges

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.

She writes about the internal battles:

Battling shame. How dare you… tackle that subject… “How dare you open the bedroom door… how dare you down in the cellar, up in the attic, into some dark place where we hide those things we don’t want you to know?” these are those subjects we don’t dare talk about – those things that are taboo to our families and significant others… HOW DARE WE hold up a mirror, call people on their shit, speak our truth… CREATE the world as we see it?


The act of making art EXPOSES a society to itself. Art brings things to light. It illuminates us. It sheds light on our lingering darkness… it casts a beam into the heart of our own darkness and says… SEE~” The Artist Way

“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open~” Shakti Gawain

She ends the chapter talking about how some artists feel shame at admitting their dreams… how we must PROTECT ourselves and our DREAMS~ Urging us to go into our childhood shames… getting them on the page… teaching ourselves who to release doubt~ I would add GUILT~

“The words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels” Hazrat Inayat Khan

We also learn about dealing with the external and internal critics… she offers some wonderful exercises.

“Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame” Erica Jong

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is ONLY ONE of YOU in ALL time, this expression is unique. And if you BLOCK it, it will NEVER exist through any other medium and will be LOST~” Martha Graham

“Creativity is~ SEEING something that doesn’t exist already. You need to find out HOW you can bring it into BEING and that way be a playmate with god~” Michele Shea.

And so it is...

TAW: Week Two – Assignment 5

Completed: Thursday, September 3,2009

Five more imaginary lives...

1. Direct of the AFROLATINOS Foundation
2. Singer
3. Talk show host
4. Painter
5. Life as a man

As the director of the AFROLATINOS foundation... I imagine myself in charge of ensuring that monies and donations actually get to the hands of the people who TRULY need it. All aspects of the organization would be monitored by me... personally... NO more government official INVOLVEMENT… those who STEAL the aid that is being provided. It would be a private institution.

My life as a singer... not sure what that would look like... but it is something that I dreamt of as a child... imagining myself singing now... I would probably not be famous or well known... but would be one of those singers who perform with family members… in very small venues… private parties... local bars... like Tato Torres and Yerbabuena... singing for the love of it... singing because we must answer our call... singing because it’s the closest to GOD we get…

Talk show host... like Oprah... the Latin Oprah... I feel like people take on roles... start shows and then for ratings they end up selling out and talking about shit... some shows BECOME about nothing significant... all about gossip... I really dislike gossip... it doesn’t interest me... say what you want about Oprah... but for me... when I was coming up I saw her as a role model for women... helping women... and that’s what I would want in a show to speak on subjects that mean something to women... that serve women. I could care less about famous peoples private lives...

Painter... I would dedicate my life to painting women... all the aspects of a woman... there beauty... their strength... the darkness, the wounds, the pain, the joy… the ESSENCE of women…

If I were a MAN... I wonder what being a man must feel like... the ability to shake things off... the ability to not be AS emotional as a women... to let go of things quickly... the automatic respect that comes from people when it is a man they are dealing with... unless you are a black or a Latin man coming up in America in the 60s... then that experience might be somewhat different. What would it be like to be a man? I would be curious…

And so it is...

TAW: Week Two – Assignment 4

Completed: Thursday, September 3,2009

In this task I was asked to list ten tiny changes… what are the things I would like to see for myself... from significant to small...

I would like to...

1. Get up earlier
2. Go back to school
3. Finish DOTR
4. Make money for published articles / REMIX... make a lot of money for my writing…
5. Take an acting class / writing class
6. Go to a concert... green day with court or bebe with lulu
7. Have a relationship with a cousin in my life. I would like to heal that relationship...
8. Stop imposing my beliefs on lulu... let her live... its her life
9. Do a great job on the documentary...
10. Live in a clutter free apartment

Select one and do it... its about picking one and doing it one small task at a time… I am working on the DOTR, I am working on making money, and the documentary is coming along beautifully.

And so it is...

TAW: Week Two - Assignment 3~ My Recovery~

In getting back to posting my process using the Artist Way by Julia Cameron.

is about recovering a sense of identity… in dealing with what the author calls crazy makers... and stressing the importance and significance of writing the morning pages. This week is about how the pages are about spending time between god and me.

Prayer: “the great creator has gifted me with creativity. My gift back is my use of it... the process not the product will be my focus...”
She talks about drama that we allow in to distract us… our friends, family and partners…

For LULU: “No matter how slow the film, spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer... IT has CHOSEN~” Minor White

This week we focus on:

Attention as an act of connection...
Paying attention to the signs... SYNCHRONICITY
Fill the well by caring for me
Setting small gentle goals and meeting them
Praying for guidance, courage and humility
She talks about it being harder and more painful to not allow the art to come out of me...
Be alert... to where I am being lead
Choosing companions who encourage me to do the work...
Its my job to do the work not judge it – to just get it done…

Assignment 3A - - Thursday, September 3,2009
This second week is also about time management – who we give our time to – how we procrastinate… I was asked to create a life pie to see where I spend the majority of my time and the areas were: spirituality, romance, friends, work, play and exercise

1. Spirituality is a constant in my life… But could use more attention… actually I could USE A LOT MORE ATTENTION…
2. Romance... I come home tired and don’t have a lot to give... but always want to receive... I must work on this...
3. Work consumes a lot of my time... I work long days...
4. Friends... I miss them... they fill me... they are a source of energy for me
5. Exercise... I haven’t exercised in about two months...
6. PLAY... man... last night I played a little... went to a club... laughed and danced... I need more of this...

Assignment 3B - - Thursday, September 3,2009

Choose 3 affirmations from week one and write it 3 times…

An affirmation is a strong, positive statement that something is already so.

Negative beliefs are exactly that... beliefs... not FACTS
Negative beliefs are exactly that... beliefs... not FACTS
Negative beliefs are exactly that... beliefs... not FACTS

My creativity heals others and myself...
My creativity heals others and myself...
My creativity heals others and myself...

Audacity not talent moves the artist to center stage...
Audacity not talent moves the artist to center stage...
Audacity not talent moves the artist to center stage...

As I create I will be led

And so it is...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Artist Way – Week 2 – Assignment 2~ PROTECTING MY CIRCLE~

List 5 Major Activities this WEEK:

1. History Segment outline
2. Afrolatino ENGLISH trailer
4. Time with Lulu
5. Post Blogs

The assignment asks me to draw a circle… inside place topics I need to protect… INSIDE the circle write the names of those people I find to be supportive… OUTSIDE the circle those I must be self-protective from…

My sisters
Writing sisters
People I haven’t met on Facebook & Myspace who have shown me love


Some family members
Negative people
Ignorant people
Racist people
Unloving people
Unkind people

I am asked to keep this SAFETY map near where I write my morning pages… and add to the inner and outer circles as NEED BE~

Let nothing stop you from creating~

To believe in God or in a guiding force because someone tells you to is the height of stupidity. We are given senses to receive our information with. With our own eyes we see, and with our skin we feel. With our intelligence, it is intended that we understand. But each person must puzzle it our for herself or himself~ Quote by Sophy Burnham

and so it is~

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Artist Way – Week 2~ Assignment 1: POISONOUS PLAYMATES~

This week the process is about “Recovering a Sense of Identity… the essays and tools are aimed at moving you into…a self defined you…” Artist Way.

This week I am looking at my POISONOUS PLAYMATES…

These are people around us who help us stay blocked…keep us from reaching our goal… they get in the way of our creativity… since they aren’t creating they don’t get it when we are trying to…

The author talks about CRAZYMAKERS… they like drama… and want us to join them… they just don’t get it…

“Crazymakers are often blocked creative’s themselves… afraid to tap their own creativity…” Artist Way

“Your crazy maker is a BLOCK you chose yourself, to deter you from your own trajectory” Artist Way

It’s our own self-sabotage…

Week 2 – Assignment 1: make a list of 20…

20 THINGS I enjoy doing… / the last time I did the thing…

1. Writing / daily
3. Time with Courtney / a few weeks ago
4. Laughing / this morning
5. Dancing / a week ago
6. Movies / Harry Potter movie July…
7. Dining out / last Saturday
8. Watching the sunset / in NYC before leaving for Bogotá
9. Listening to jazz music / in NYC
10. Folding laundry / last Sunday
11. Hanging with joe and fabi they are so much fun / august
12. Reading blogs / several months ago
13. Reading novels / reading Open Veins of Latin America
14. Playing uno / don’t remember the last time
15. Going to the beach / last time in Florida
16. Visiting DR / April 2009
17. Having great conversation / phone call with Lalita August
18. Meeting with the NYCLWG / several months ago
19. chillin with ely, V, emma or kelly in NYC / before Bogotá trip
20. Learning new things / daily

and so it is...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Please join us as we journey throughout Latin America learning about the HISTORY never taught to us~


In solidarity... with love... and in PEACE~



Por favor únase a nosotros en nuestro viaje por toda América Latina para aprender sobre la historia que nunca nos enseñaron ~

Es nuestra responsabilidad de PARA ESCRIBIR NUESTRA HISTORIA~

En solidaridad...con amor...y en la PAZ~


Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Process – WEEK 1 in review~

Practicing The Artist Way – there are two things that are important during this process-doing the morning pages and going on the artist date… this week I have not missed a day of writing my morning pages… I must be honest there were a FEW days where I DID NOT do my morning writing the moment I opened my eyes—but I did write three pages every morning whether it be standing on the transmilenio (Bogota transportation) or our apartment after… ya tu sabe... Priorities people… contact over the pen wins EVERY TIME~ my artist date was watching interviews from Inside the Actors Studio. I love that show… I was able to hear from women I admire… there is always something said that leave a mark on my soul~

As for goals met on my other projects – Afrolatinos is going wonderful my main focus for this month in Bogota is having a working script for our first segment… HISTORY… I have never written a documentary script so I am learning as I DO IT~ I spent this week organizing a tight outline for the history segment and this week Renz (my biz partner) and we start editing this week. It’s going to be an amazing ride through time~

DOTR… the daughters… I am MORE inspired and excited about writing this novel and about the direction I am headed in—I am more motivated than I ever have before. I have a manuscript of about 160 pages (notes, ideas, and scenes) that I am currently re-reading and chopping…removing things that are NO longer relevant. Its interesting to see how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown – I started writing the DOTR in 2006 and my experiences up until now are going to make this story so much stronger… I can’t wait to start sharing sections from the novel~ For this I am so grateful… and so it is~

Enjoy your weekend… many blessings~

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 4: Five Lives

In this assignment I was asked to write about FIVE imaginary lives I could see myself living~

I imagine the life of a FAIRY is full of play time… it would be wonderful to just be flying around… carefree… playful… childlike… I could fly… fly… fly… across the universe… I’d be free… not a care in the world… and I would have my crew of fairies… nia, lulu, bloo, luz, v, fiercefem, kira, kellydee, moca, j.f.s, lia and we would rule the world~

As JESUS CHRIST I would NOT have you do 20 Hail Mary’s and 69 Our Fathers… I would NOT have you searching the bible for answers to the burning questions of life… EVERYONE wants to be healed… long lines outside my door around the corner in Harlem… YES cause that’s where Jesus lives… near the Apollo. People who come to me for the QUICK FIX, the fast answer… I wouldn’t JUST GIVE IT AWAY… I would show you the way… I would show you how to heal yourself… because after all I am Jesus not GOD… we gotta stop depending on others to FIX US… to CURE US… TO HEAL OUR AILMENTS… to make it ALL BETTER. We must learn to look inside and do it for ourselves and once we’ve master how to heal OURSELVES teach and help others to do the same.

PRESIDENT DIOSA DOMINICANA of the Dominican Republic… that’s what I’d like to be called: Madam DIOSA… I only hope that in that role I would resist being power HUNGRY… to not take it so seriously… to not impose OUR laws on the rest of the world… to not enter other nations and rape them of their resources… to TRULY be about DEMOCRACY… whatever that means… to TRULY be about FREEDOM… whatever that means… to HELP more and KILL less. To bring and END to WAR and foster peace… more son cubano, bomba y plena and merengue tipico at our political meetings… to worry more about what is happening in our own backyard than stealing the resources from places that do not belong to us. I would TAX the rich and give it to the poor… I would be forced to answer the question—IS THERE REALLY ENOUGH JOBS for every person unemployed… in my role as president. I will not make empty promises… when sh*& is BAD I will let you know… I would hold fewer meetings and take more action… I’d be more of a grassroots... in your face … on the front line kinda president… you’ll find me wearing jeans and tank top my trademark… NO SECRET SERVICE necessary. My aim would be to do good work and not hide behind the gates of the Palacio Nacional… I’d get my hands dirty… and I’d FIRE mad people… there would be more people unemployed in government positions all over the country…

I am imagining myself as a YOUNG CHILD… of age two or three… when the world around me looks like an adventure… where I want to touch and taste everything… I have so many questions… everything is NEW… where NO is my favorite word… where my innocence is protected – where I am never reprimanded because everything that I do as a little girl is apart of MY GREAT EXPLORATION. I would play all day and sleep all night. As a young child I am FEARLESS – unconcerned about what others think… NO SELF DOUBT, NO INSECURITIES, GUILT FREE, NOTHING EMBARRASSES ME, NO FEAR, NO ANGER, NO RESENTMENT, NO JEALOUSY, NO ENVY, NO HATE… these emotions do not reside in the child in me… because I haven’t been TOUCHED yet… tainted… influenced… programmed… I haven’t learned these things yet. Here is where I’d like to reside… where my fantasies, dreams and imagination are nourished and never LEAVE ME ☺ that would make me happy~

Alicia the BRUJA… having mystical powers on ONE level seems omniscient… makes me feel strong – on another level it would come with great responsibility… to use my powers for good… I’d have a most powerful ability… to see things… to prevent things from happening… I could make things happen…a power I wouldn’t take lightly… I would have to remain in control at all times… because I might get trigger happy and get rid of people that get on my nerves and do so without hesitation~

And so it is~

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 3: She Bleeds~

In this task I was asked to write about a HORROR STORY from my hall of fame.

This horror story would have to be about my most recent fight with HIM…because I didn’t act quickly enough with his request. I didn’t respond as fast as he would have wanted. He lost his mind – he started spewing venom I was completely floored and devastated… I was in shock… I am not even sure where the rage came from. But that didn’t stop him from calling me a F’g B!%@$... He told me to go F*&$ myself – “you ain't S***! YOU C*%&! You’re nothing but a lesbian!”

In my mind I was like DAMN YO! Actually that’s bullshit. In my head I was like F*** HIM… well it was ON~

I went off~ Trying to defend my honor and I flipped the F*$& OUT~ One of the negative triggers for me is being told “YOU AIN’T SH*&… YOU’RE a PIECE of Sh*&…” its this feeling of not believing I am WORTHY of being RESPECTED… feeling that I am nothing~

RESPECT is a big thing for me… I have always held RESECT as my most significant value… one of the things that has impacted me the most has been of not being respected – BY MEN. I’ve always had to fight that… I have always had to FIGHT FOR IT~ in my mind it’s quite simple – IF I RESPECT YOU… RESPECT ME~

So… because my visit with my family was so nice – I decided to SUBMIT~ I got quiet… I tried to let the words go… I truly thought I was going to escape this visit without a fight or argument. I believed there would be NO nasty words shot my way… yet the words kept coming “Lazy B*&^%! You ain't sh*&! F*&^ you! You’re nobody! You’re writing sucks! You’re full of sh*&!”

I almost wished I had recorded ALL he was saying to me… WOW how those words hurt. But recording them would’ve been like self-mutilation – repeating the words to myself over and over and over again…

I am left in this room… where I’m sitting—it’s a bathroom. I am ALONE with the words. I am looking at myself in the mirror – my hair is down I am staring in my eyes – eyes that are swollen – red tears gushing out.

I take a blade and cut my arm…

Starting at my elbow – cutting, cutting, cutting until I get to my wrist…

I move to the floor because I am about to pass out from seeing all this blood - - and then I blink back the tears and say – ENOUGH – that will do!

I have bled out all of the self-hate – all of the ugly words – all the negative hurtful things said to me and about me. There is an urgency… to GET IT ALL OUT~ All the poison is now gone and one by one the marks on my arm begin to heal – with new words…

Alicia is love – peace – fierce – fearless – a force – a powerhouse – a diva – a filmmaker – a wonderful mother – a brilliant writer – I am good – I am God – all that is good resides in me – I can release the bad – it is not the truth – it has never been the truth about me – I am at peace – I am ready for all the good that is coming and I know, trust and believe that I am worthy.

And so it is~

Many blessings~ Peace~ and LOVE~

Note: I did not, nor have I ever CUT myself… but I think sometimes we use words that CUT… that hurt others… sometimes we use words to CUT ourselves… to CUT ourselves or others down… we certainly should be mindful of our words… words DESTROY but they also BUILD~ Walk in PEACE and SPEAK in LOVE~

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 2:

I was asked to write about my Hall of Champions - - 3 old champions of my creative self-worth… Who have been the people to wish my creativity well? Who are the people who wish my LIFE well?


My four champions are a combination of new and old… and they just so happen to ALL BE womyn. I am surrounded by the most incredibly powerful womyn… they are ALL warriors… my writers circle, my facebook and myspace families aren’t excluded… but THESE FOUR—they would have my back in a bar fight… if I was on the street homeless—I know that I would have a bed in their homes…ALL of them support me and love me… they encourage me… push me and tell me the TRUTH about ME. They check me on my shit~ and hold me accountable~

VANESSA is in my ear… over my shoulder… like a lieutenant… she doesn’t wanna hear it! She DOES NOT allow me to use words to beat myself up. There have been several occasions where I have uttered words like: “I don’t think I can! I don’t believe I am gifted! I don’t think I’m ready!” and she will jump in to remind me of ALL I have done to get HERE… reminding me of EVERYTHING I have accomplished and still have yet to accomplish. Letting me know exactly who it is that I AM! I love her for telling me; “You ready! You got this! You a FORCE kid! I got you…” I can hear her singing now; “if you don’t worry ‘bout where I been or who I saw or, what club I went to with my homies baby don’t worry, u know that u got me!” She GOT ME… there is no doubt in my mind… my kindred spirit… and I must admit…that’s a comforting thought – because HER WARRIOR SPIRIT… feeds me, pushes me and encourages me to WRITE beyond my limits and past my pain~

And we got ELY… she is the female NAPOLEAN… small in height but a giant in her shoes. She is fearless and fierce. Her words move me to laughter—hysterical laughter. We can be talking about the most SERIOUS of subjects, latest topics for discussion or insane situations and she will flip it into a joke that will kill me… she has a way of seeing the world unlike anyone I know… a fresh, real and HONEST perspective… sometimes BRUTALLY HONESTY… some of her TRUTH will sting you. With her I learn not to take life so seriously – not to take myself so seriously and when I am lost in my own world—in my spirit… she slaps me back into reality… reminding me of the TRUTH… “Will my writing love me back?” the importance of time with family - - that THEY are what really matters. Kicking me in the ass with words like “I told you! Don’t trust everybody…” she teaches and reminds me that inspiration is everywhere just open my eyes – stay there~

Awwww and then we have EMMA who tells me; “You cant give it all away… don’t be so trusting!” she worries more about me than my mom. She tells me how proud she is of me and how much I’ve DONE to be proud of. Her words lift me and build me. She has been a believer in me in all the moments where I didn’t believe and for that I love her. I have some very protective womyn in my life - - borderline possessive. They are my eyes when I can’t see.

But COURTNEY… there is NO ONE liker her… she is my #1 champion in my hall of fame! Her words are ALL I NEED~ I believe everything she says about me. She’s honest with me.. Pushes me.. Loves me unconditionally… she protects the child in me… there are moments when she is the MOM… she is why my creativity is ALIVE… why I AM alive… why I was BORN… she is ALL THAT I AM… she is the reason I WRITE… she believed in me when I didn’t know HOW TO… she’s MY ACE… my best friend, my confidant, my muse, my inspiration, my role model… my safe place to land~

I am so grateful for all THE WOMYN in my life… they give me strength…

And so it is~

There are soooo many womyn who are my champions… you know who you are… and too ALL OF YOU—thank you! Peace~

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 1

I started THE ARTIST WAY on Aug. 17, 2009… I have been trying to complete this creative process since 2004. One of my best friends, sister and cousin Ely aka “Bloowriter” and I have attempted this process twice before and for some reason I just couldn’t get through it… something always seemed to stop me. There was something I RESISTED… The furthest I have gone in the Artist Way process is to Week 9… there are TWELVE weeks of assignments.

So Ely and I committed to starting the Artist Way again. And this time we WILL FINISH IT~

The Artist Way process consists of something called MORNING PAGES… the author asks us (her students) to write THREE pages every morning from a stream of consciousness. We are NOT to go back and read what we write… just WRITE… one of the examples she uses is that if we feel we have nothing to write… write that: “I have nothing to write…” until we fill the three pages… I won’t be sharing my morning pages—but I will share the assignments.

Week 1 – Assignment 1:

This week was about understanding what keeps us in the shadows… what has prevented me from creating~

“AUDACITY, not talent makes ONE person an artist and another a shadow artist…”

I was asked to list THREE enemies that have affected my creative SELF WORTH~

I will start with the most recent enemy—a fight I had with Tony. He said some pretty ugly and hurtful things. He assaulted me with words from my sexuality to my craft. So much hate and venom… that it made me cry. This coming from someone I love dearly – but has a history of spewing some pretty ugly things. It brought me back to moments when I felt like NOTHING-NO ONE! Telling me that my writing sucked and then WORSE was my believing THAT my writing actually DOES suck… believing that I sucked. He said that, “I was terrible – that I would never be anything – that I ain't shit – that I am a piece of shit.”

The next would be my ex Juan – he hasn’t gotten under my skin recently - - actually his words haven’t affected me at all in a LONG time – but the scars are still there. There still is some residue and pressure felt. One of the things I am left with is that HE never made me feel good. Around him I never believed I was smart – as intelligent as he is with his Ph.D. Feeling less THAN… this pattern of thought is what has KEPT me back. Why was I waiting for HIM to make me feel good?

Which brings me to my last enemy ME~ I am still so hung up on negative triggers and external WORDS. There have been more bad things I’ve believed about me than good things… What is the TRUTH? I am hurting myself. I am stopping my growth – I want to get back to the place where I am constantly BUILDING – where I believe in myself - - where I don’t stop BELIEVING – where I NEVER quit! I want to get back to AFFIRMING the TRUTH of my existence. Getting back on path to GREATNESS… this path that IS leading me to ALL great things. I want to be OPEN to this PROCESS and finally LET GO once and for all.

ALL THOSE WORDS that hurt me and have limited me. I want to replace every bad experience I have ever had with NEW BEAUTIFUL—FULL experiences and EXPRESSIONS of LOVE, PEACE and TRANQUILITY. I want to live a JOY filled life. I want happiness. I FEEL SOOO GOOD right now. I AM IN THIS MOMENT--extremely excited about what’s to come. I am FINDING myself. REINVENTING MYSELF… I am finding myself writing about attracting all the beautiful wishes for my life—calling it forth and drawing it towards me. I am PUSHING AWAY the hurtful, hateful things that have paralyzed me. I FEEL GOOD~ I AM HAPPY~

And so it is~

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Process~

So I decided to share my process… my writing process through my blogs. I am currently working on three things: my novel (The Daughters of the Revolution), the documentary (Afro-Latinos: The Untaught Story) and using the book (The Artist Way) as an aid to continue growing creatively.

Yesterday I started writing the script – more like the outline for the script for the first segment of the documentary—HISTORY~ during my meditation a word kept coming up… PROCRASTINATION… then other words followed… LIMITATION… HESITATION…

What is PROCRASTINATION really… but a way (AN EXCUSE) for us not to get DONE what is necessary!

Procrastination keeps us from achieving what we really want… it holds us back. When has procrastination served us? For me personally procrastination comes from many moments/occasions of receiving NEGATIVE feedback externally… that I would later internalize.

For me procrastination equaled FEAR~

Fear about…

What they will think?
What they will say?
Will they like me?
Am I smart enough?
Is it perfect?
Do I know enough about the subject?
Am I qualified?
Can I do this?

Once you IDENTIFY where all that QUESTIONING and SELF DOUBT comes from you are able to tear off the many layers of procrastination~

Once you understand why you procrastinate you are backed in a corner. Once you understand what’s really holding YOU back—there is really only ONE of TWO directions you can head in.

You are either going to FINISH IT… go for it… achieve what it is you were born to achieve… living your PERSONAL LEGEND


You can live the rest of your life… living in the past, paralyzed and regretting never having done it—kicking yourself for not going for it.

SO THIS IS AN INVITATION… away from procrastination towards what it FEELS like to get it done, to ACCOMPLISH something, to ACHIEVE your goals, to go after your DREAM, to BELIEVE in yourself, and to take a RISK.

I am personally inviting you to take my hand on this journey and FINISH something – no matter how big or small. I will share my daily process with YOU and I hope you will do the same~

Who’s with me~ this is a COMMITMENT if you accept YOU MUST GET IT DONE… no excuses.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

Stories of Sacrifice~ Historias de Sacrificio~

Stories of Sacrifice~

Do you know someone who has put his or her life at risk to come to the U.S. for a better way of life?

I am looking for extraordinary stories of sacrifice and the search for a better way of life. There are so many stories untold about what people have given up and lost to come to the United States. I am looking for stories from Mexico, Dominican Republic, Cuba, as well as other experiences throughout Latin America.

Please email me for more information or to share your experience.



Historias de Sacrificio~

¿Conoces a alguien que ha puesto su vida en riesgo para venir a los EE.UU. para una mejor forma de vida?

Estoy buscando historias extraordinarias de sacrificio y la búsqueda de una mejor forma de vida. Hay tantas historias acerca de lo incalculable de personas que han abandonado y perdido sus vidas para llegar a los Estados Unidos. Estoy buscando historias de Mexico, República Dominicana, Cuba, así como otras experiencias en América Latina.

Por favor, envíeme un email para obtener más información o para compartir su experiencia.

Paz ~

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Forgive them father… for they KNOW not what they do~

Tuesday, June 9, 2009 12:43pm

Before I left the house this morning so many thoughts were racing through my head. I started to write them all down…

- Got money on the brain
- Sense of community
- Ideas about making money and who is entitled to it
- What having a community means to me
- Building a community
- Sharing a community
- A series of blogs that I’m working on called “Black or WHITE… Matters”

As all those thoughts were going on in my MIND… the palm of my left hand started to itch and I was like “WORD! Money is COMIN~” ☺

At the same time my phone went off alerting me that I was receiving an email. I opened it, froze and stopped dead in my happy little peace-filled place of creative thoughts… I stopped bouncing around… realizing that someone was about to be PAID on a very similar CONCEPT that I had already published in my blogs several years ago.

I thought to myself, “Hmmm that idea sounds awfully familiar… yeah I wrote that shxx”

So I immediately got pisst the F off…

“Wolves and sheep come WHO pretend to be lovers…”

I started to think about the many ways I felt betrayed and used by someone I once trusted. Used by someone I admired and looked up to… someone I once saw as an inspiration and role model to Latin Women.

This someone who embraced me…
This someone who wanted to show me the ropes and teach me…
I was her student.
She was my teacher.
I trusted her…
A teacher nurtures…
A teacher builds…
Teachers should not destroy—but they should encourage…
There’s a point though… a moment when the teacher sees that the student is about to surpass even them…
The teacher can either push the student to go even further or STIFLE their student.
I was surpassing my teacher… she knew it... AND I KNEW IT... I felt it~ it was POWERFUL…

A GOOD TEACHER will allow for the student to leave them… to spread their wings and continue growing… BUT NOT THIS TEACHER… this teacher wanted to control me… to CONTROL MY GROWTH… to CONTROL my process… to CONTROL my writing.

And I did in fact feel STIFLED… and disillusioned… in my eyes she was THE ALCHEMIST and I Santiago…

The wings of a bird were being held down… a bird who only wanted to fly…

So this little birdie BOUNCED…

“Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers… You never think it’s the ones who are closest to you… who shoot you down in the name of ambition”


We will get burned
People will lie
People will steal
People will pass ideas on as THEIR OWN
People will stomp on you to get to the top
People will cheat
Jesus and Judas
Back stabbers

“Forgive them father for they know not what they do…”

During that moment in my life—when I felt stifled…I knew that I needed to keep moving and continue to learn and continue to apply ALL I had learned to my work and then THE POINT IS to share that learning with the world. Sometimes the student needs to say goodbye to the teacher~


Fast forward… ITS Thursday, June 11,2009…

Its taken me a few days to come down from that blow… of seeing something that seemed very similar to something I had created being presented as someone else’s ideas.
Passing others work as “THEIR OWN CREATION” aka FRAUD… aka plagiarism… aka lies… people should always credit their inspiration!

“Imitation is a form of flattery,” V said. I AM NOT flattered…

So on the day of the text… I was on the 6-train plotting my revenge… real ugly things… unspiritual like things… I am so glad I was on a train because that ride from 125th to Union Square was just what I needed to realize that I was bugging…

HELL NO I am not going to react… I’m gonna do what I DO take it out on the page… so here it is…

I needed all my spiritual practice for this moment…

I believed that something had been stolen from me… AN IDEA… first of all lets get one thing straight… NOBODY owns ANY IDEA… every idea is inspired by ideas that have already existed…

Don’t worry about what other people are doing… don’t go searching for those things that you believe belong to you.

I also realized that it doesn’t matter what OTHERS are creating…I don’t need to worry about what others are doing…I don’t need to go to their websites or read their blogs to find out if they’re talking about me. It only matters what I DO. And I choose to write my own little love letter to aspiring artists and dreamers…


People have asked me, “Alicia how do you protect your work?” “How do you copyright your writing?” “Do you worry about people stealing your ideas?”

First of all, if you’re really worried about someone stealing that idea COPYRIGHT IT… if it will help you sleep at night… go for it… but for me in court of law… you better be able to show me you created that original work before my date… because I have over 53 journals FILLED with original work… and I am not worried… I can prove everything I create... and I will always credit the inspiration for any piece that aided me.

How do I protect my work? Lets be REAL… I don’t write with the idea that someone is going to steal my ideas… because they’re not mine to begin with! MY WORK, MY WRITING, MY WORDS… do not belong to me…

Ideas are free~

HOWEVER… I will want you to pay for the work I create… ☺

We have ALL been inspired by something… inspiration found in a song, the moon, the lines from a movie, conversations overheard in the subway on the street, from a painting… No idea is OUR own… nor should we claim we OWN them.

Nothing we create is OURS…
Nothing we put out there in the world should be for SELFISH reasons
Truly look at why you are doing what your doing…
When you have REAL TALENT and true gifts people will come into your life to aide you or exploit you…
People will come into your life saying that they want to help you
They will want to teach you
They will want you to join their team
Telling you that they want to help you get to the next level. THEY WANNA MAKE U A STAR~
THEY will come with their hidden AGENDAS

And then there will be those with pure INTENTIONS… those who will mean what they say… and if your lucky you will have partnerships that last a lifetime.

I can’t be worried about THEM and what they are doing~ KNOW that predators exist… yes there are bad people in the world… but don’t live your life looking over your shoulder for that someone who may jab that knife in your back. Surround yourself by like-minded folks… Continue to create… be original… be TRUE.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Uncovering the TRUTH… releasing all WORRY

During yoga today my neck was in a lot of pain… it was hard to breathe…I was thinking a lot about my perceived problems, financial matters… everything I need to do… all the ways I can make money… and dancing on a pole or playing the lotto always seem like the quick fix…

I tried to stop my thoughts… they were racing… where do I go? How do I start? Who should I call? What do I do?

I meditate on words during yoga… and I say things to myself like be still, clarity, release… BREATHE… on the inhale I use positive words like:

INHALE…peace… EXHALE…chaos…
INHALE…love… EXHALE… hate…
INHALE…strength… EXHALE…weakness…
INHALE…abundance… EXHALE…limitation

It wasn’t working… my mind was filling up with all kinds of things like... “but what about the rent, bills, shopping, chores, responsibilities, travel, work, money, make money, MORE MONEY…”


I got through yoga… and I still didn’t feel like I reached that place where I could begin my day with clarity and perspective… I tried again… I went to calm space… a safe place… and asked… what is it that I need… what is my body responding to… the word that came up for me was WORRY~

I am worrying…
I must release all WORRY…

So I got up once I understood what was going on with me… and went to my T. Smiley cards…

The words for today are:

UNCOVER… unleash my best
CONNECT…create to connect
PATIENCE…the practice of patience

“UNCOVER…UNCOVER and Unleash your BEST~ you’ve been UNDER stress for far too long. Now’s the time to OVER stress. UNCOVER and unleash your best by worrying less.”

Here it is… a direct message for me… to not worry… to TRUST that I will be fine… that my world is FINE… that I have everything I NEED… that it’s ALL GOOD… as soon as I realized that I was worrying… I focused on something else… WHY WORRY… don’t I always get myself out of a jam… rather than worry… why not look for the solution… I am always protected and I will always be OK.

“Create to CONNECT…your dream is bigger than you are. It’s the creative force of God. Create your dream life, then send it out into the world to make a difference.”

Do I want a life full of stress and chaos? Absolutely NOT~ I am living my dream… every single day…a friend once wrote to me… “Alicia, how does it feel to be walking your dream everyday?” I must never forget that… My prayer is that I continue to create and CONNECT and live long enough to see all those I love living that same way~

“Practice PATIENCE…do the best you can, place everything totally and completely in God’s hands, and WAIT patiently for your blessings to manifest.”

The last card was a DIRECT reminder that I must always… Practice PATIENCE… through the words I create I connect… I am connecting to a source greater than me… the people I have met, the lessons I have learned… everything in between… has brought me to this moment… I need not WORRY… I must TRUST and believe that my blessings are manifesting…with PATIENCE I know that my moment is coming~


Friday, June 5, 2009

It will FIND you~

Words I am meditating on today are:


Take CARE… is the perfect message for me to start this day… I started the day slower than most days… waited for my house to get quiet… did my yoga, meditation and prayers… and I feel so good right now…

FIND… this word can be defined my many of us in so many ways… love, money, success, titles, cars, houses, travel…

“FIND: Find your life’s work… YOU were NOT put on this earth to simply work for a living~ DISCOVER what you were meant to do~” Tsmiley

What are we looking for?
What is that we want?
Where do we see ourselves?
If we could be doing one thing for the rest of our lives what would that ONE thing be?
What have you found?

Find it~

Search for it~

How will you know when you’ve found it?

There are people who have a clear plan, direction… means of achieving and having everything and anything they want… they have a way of turning their desires into reality…

If you’re anything like me… you weren’t taught how to FIND it… and if you are a lot like me… we like to learn things the HARD way… and that search doesn’t always come easy… and it rarely looks pretty…


How did I know that I FOUND IT?

How did I know WHEN I found it?

How did I know that I FOUND that thing that I wanted to do for the rest of my life?

How did I find my Life’s PURPOSE?

For me it was a life or death thing. I wanted and needed my daughter to know about me… I felt like I was running out of time and wasting my life… I knew that if I wrote it… she would know the truth… unfiltered and uncensored by those in my life with their many versions of how they believe I lived my life… I decided that if anyone was going to dish my dirt - - it was going to be ME…

I wanted to leave a road map into my heart~

I wanted to show her my pains… my wounds… my scars…

I wanted to show her the rawness of life’s cruelties~

I wanted to show her how I HEAL~

I wanted to show her how to be REAL~

I wanted to show her how to FALL and get right back UP~

I wanted to show her how to LOVE~

So a memoir about my life sounded like a good idea…

The working title is: BECOMING ME~ It’s ok in my skin~

I wanted her to look at what it has taken for ME to BECOME ME

What it took to get here~

What I continue to get wrong~

What I know I do right~

How I hit the floor and get right up, lick my wounds and keep it moving~

How easy it is for me to give and share love~

Why it is I am so TRUSTING~

How easy it is for me to remove things that are bad for my soul~
Why I am NEVER afraid of LOVING~

A memoir… into my life… I would write a memoir JUST FOR HER… in case she had any questions or confusion…

What I have FOUND to be the truth about this journey… is that NO MATTER what you’re doing in your life or where you are at… where you are RIGHT NOW… THAT its where you’re supposed to be… and as long as you are on that journey… towards that thing you desire… you WILL find that THAT thing you are looking for… has a funny way of FINDING YOU~

Now ORIGINAL… this word makes me think of my girl V~ she IS an original… but what I don’t think she knows is that she is an INSPIRATION to me… I ADMIRE her… her ORIGINALITY… her strength… the beauty… the softness in her warrior spirit…

“ORIGINAL: You’re an original… EXPLORE your true talents… don’t copy or pass off others work as your own~ STEP out on FAITH to bring forth something unique and fresh~” Tsmiley

A confession… for a while I would read my friend Vanessa’s work and wished I could write like HER… she has a colorful and vivid way of expressing herself with words…her vocabulary VAST… ivy league kinda vast… brilliant… that’s what she is… she has a way of letting you know in the most articulate, intellectual and ghetto-fabulous way of EXACTLY WHERE you can go with the nonsense you’re spewing~ I admire that about her.

I mentioned to my daughter one day… “I wish I could say things in my writing the way V does…” and she just looked at me and said… “MOM, V writes beautifully… her words are wonderful… her style is HER OWN… that’s HER VOICE… you write well too… you’re VOICE is special…” and I smiled and said thank you~

What does be ORIGINAL mean to me?

I have an original idea—MY NOVEL… it has NEVER been written~
Which makes sense for me… because I am an ORIGINAL~ and its my story to tell~
There has never been and will never be anyone LIKE ME~


It will find you if you let it~


Thursday, June 4, 2009

Choosing to SHINE~


Written last year... I realized I never published this blog... one of my words to meditate on THIS MORNING is SHINE

"SHINE: Take risks in your work. Doing things the way they've always been done produces the SAME mediocre, results. SHINE the light on yourself by finding a NEW, better solution" Tsmiley~

I recently finished a book titled, The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. And decided I wanted to write about this idea of following ONES journey....

In Coelho’s tale, he writes about going in SEARCH of ones Personal Legend.

It was my fourth time reading the book and each time I’ve picked it up I’ve been in a new place in my life... something always seems to happen to draw me back in.

Whenever I recognize that its time to pick up the book - - I realize that it serves as a way for me to check in - - to see if I am on my journey - to see where I AM AT on the journey - or to help point me back in the right direction.

It seems to happen as a way to get me back on track, reminding me of WHO I AM and on two different occasions I have been in romantic relationships - - while working a large projects - - each occasion forcing me to FOCUS on what's important.

I only mention that I have been in relationships because both times it seems that while things are going so great in my life, where I make progress on my journey - - I tend to attract things that SEEM wonderful on the outside... but on occasion have moved me away from my journey - from my goals... kept me from moving towards my Personal Legend.

So some of the things that I have been thinking about lately are:

How do I continue on my journey towards REALIZING my personal legend while building a relationship?
How do I NOT allow for distractions to take me off track?
When I do get off track - - how do I get back?
How do I stay focused?
How do I NOT allow for things to enter my life and move me away from my journey?
How does my journey get altered? And is it always for the better?

What I do know for certain is that every person that I meet on this journey I am MEANT to meet.

Everything that I experience on this journey I am MEANT to experience (good and bad -- especially the bad) I truly believe this…

Whenever I get to a place of questioning ME on my journey - - I turn to the Alchemist. Sometimes we need a reminder of what we’re working so hard for… what we’re working towards. Reminding ourselves of where it is we are going on this journey and who we are supposed to PICK UP along the way - - and sometimes we’re on this journey to recognize who we’re supposed to LET GO and kick to the curb, so that we can continue moving toward our destination. Towards whatever the treasure is for US at the end of all THIS.

The Alchemist is about a boy who has a dream about finding a treasure. It is a beautiful tale about his journey~

What will his tests be?
What will he learn along the way?
Will he succeed or fail?
Who will show up to aid him or betray him?
Will he reach his destination?

I won’t give it all away but it’s definitely worth the read.

This is a beautiful story about how ONE moves towards finding their personal legend (finding and fulfilling our life’s purpose). This book is a road map into Santiago’s heart and teaches us how we each can make our dreams come true.

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting, he thought, as he looked again at the position of the sun, and hurried his pace.”

This quote is about the moment when Santiago sees that he is getting closer and rather than run away from it he picks up his pace to RUNS TOWARDS IT.

This is how I am feeling today... like I am getting really close to the finish line... and am allowing stress and to do lists distract me... this is where I must RUN... with all my might... TOWARDS THE FINISH LINE~ and even when I get there... I must continue... I must SHINE~

The journey teaches us how to turn our dreams into reality. Reminding us that there are many tools we must pick up along the way. Tools that we learn from others, learn in school, pick up from elders, read in books, hear in songs, get from TV… wherever learning happens… we must get STRONG... we must work daily at getting ready... we must pay attention to the signs and pick up ALL THE TOOLS WE NEED...

The most important tool I think any of us can pick up on the journey is PATIENCE. If there is ONE lesson to be learned on the journey is that patience IS A REQUIREMENT and is VERY necessary on the journey – but somehow along the way we forget this, we get scared, we believe we're the ones in control or fail to practice PATIENCE… walking with this sense of urgency and frustration that we allow to fill us this lack of patience… lack of faith - - because we want things in the immediate - - we want it now… we look for these results in the present. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!

Then there's: “People’s inability to choose their own personal legends”

I started to think about the people I have met on my journey. Those who are in my inner circle and just associations I have made along the way. I look at the people who surround me (us) and how very comfortable people can become with how we live our lives... with the person we USED TO BE... the journey ALTERS you forever... you are rarely EVER the same... People we know are comfortable with the US we’ve always been.

I'm thinking about this idea of evolution, growth and stagnation. Where we stay in this place where people have always known us… we stay right where we are in order to make people comfortable - - and when we start on that journey of finding our personal legend - - truly going in search of OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL journey... and allowing it to take us where it may - - we find that there are those who will be supportive and happy for us - - but a lot more folks who will not happy for us.

There are people who will LIVE to try and knock you off your path... and take you down... KEEP GETTING READY... and don't be afraid of these people... they are cowards... they are weak... they are afraid to walk THEIR OWN WALK and will have many opinion of the are becoming... YOU don't need their opinions...

There will be some who will want the gifts we receive for themselves… disguised as envy and jealousy - - the naysayer’s – the people who will find negativity in the joy and blessings we receive. And these people who are closest to us may not be happy about our changes or success. And THIS because THEY are not in search of their own personal legend. They haven't learned how to find it for themselves.

There are people who will try to convince us that it is impossible to realize our personal legend - - who will fill us with self doubt, poison, negativity… projecting THEIR OWN fears of achieving or reaching their own potential… and in the face of all those who doubt… we MUST continue to prepare our spirit and nurture our WILL to carry on – to continue the journey - - we must honor what we have been called to do… we KEEP GETTING READY~

And if we don't yet know what that is.... we must figure out EXACTLY what it is we’ve been called to do… DO THAT WORK FIRST~

Where have we been taught to go in search of that THING we are meant to do?
How do we know when we've found it?
Who in our families have lived out their personal legend?
Who are our examples?
Who are our role models?
Who has shown us to go out and get it for ourselves?
Who has taught us to believe in ourselves?
Where do we turn to for this learning?

I am thinking about those people who have followed their hearts... who wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY and are doing what they love... and teaching others how to go out and get it for themselves.

“And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Many people have come and gone in my life...

I have had devastating losses... and incredible wins... but the ONE CONSTANT... my mantra in the face of adversity... my prayer... my reminder FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS...

The END of anything... is the beginning of something new, something great, something better... and in the mean time...I keep getting ready~

Its time~

Its time to get ready~



Spec of DOUBT~ what lies beneath…

I’m on the D train heading downtown and I am feeling STRESSED out… my heart is racing… really really really fast… my bag weighs about 50 pounds with all my files, laptop, this journal and everything that I need to get done today~

I was just in my house - - where my day started off wonderful… with an incredible release…that put me back to sleep… and then I awoke again to face the day… to GREET THE DAY that awaits…

JUST thinking about TODAY made my heart pound in my chest and begin the race… a part of it is my nerves… another part is STRESS, one part excitement and there is THIS small spec that’s trying to enter me… this unwanted SPEC OF DOUBT~

So picture ME… running around my house this morning… can’t find socks, put on my sneakers before putting on pants… FAST FORWARDING my day before it’s even begun…


Will I get it done?
We launch in TWO days… the day after tomorrow…


My hands trembling a little~

What do I do?
What do I need?
What will help me most in my time of NEED~ AKA time of self-imposed STRESS~





BE STILL………………………..





Stop before I get on the phone with someone I love and pass my unwelcomed stress and panic to the UNDESERVING…

Stop before I hurt someone’s feelings because I’m too busy to talk to them today and don’t even give them the time of day… making them feel insignificant in my life…



If all else fails release it all on the page…


Be still

What do I need?

To get quiet~
To start my day slower~


To stop & remember to breathe~

Feed myself
Get back to my practice
Feed myself today with words that SERVE…
With words that LIFT…
With words that will move me towards EVERYTHING I NEED… I have all I need…to get it ALL DONE~

HONOR myself~

STOP~ I am not allowing anyone to add to my plate today~

I honor me today…

I will not allow my biz partner, my daughter, my lover, my friends, or my family… NO ONE… to add to my plate today~



I know what I need…
I know where to turn to… and I will GO TO IT~

Breathe ALICIA…

I needed to remind myself of things that I need to do… YOGA… it helps… It calms me… it centers me… I am not sure when it happened on this journey… I was doing yoga everyday before starting EACH DAY… and somewhere along the way I left it… yes I have been traveling…QUITE A BIT… but that should never have been reason for me to stop doing something that made me feel so good… I feel like I have been non-stop for such a long time… sneaking time for me as I can… but not DEDICATING any real time for me… YOGA was ALL MINE… not shared time… it was a moment for be to give thanks, be still, be with ME and the creator… and connect… connect to a source that energized me daily…

What do I need?
To take care of ME…
To have compassion for me…
What I need is support…
I need help~
I can’t do it all by myself~
I need my circle to walk with me always… YOU ARE ALL SUCH AN IMPORTANT part of my life…
Help me~



Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Look 2 the SKY~

“Its amazing the way darkness FALLS…”
It’s a beautiful day~
I am happy to be alive…
I am happy to have you in my life…
There is a calm about me today~
A quiet peacefulness~
Peace filled~
I like the silence~
Filled with love~
A beautiful day to give PRAISES…

A beautiful day to “LOOK… 2 THE SKY…”

Today I am giving myself over 2 the sky~
I am walking in love~
I am walking with MY LOVE~
I am open~
I see ME~
I see ME in YOU~
I see TRUTH~

You ask why me?
Why not YOU?

You were the one sent~
For me to love ~
Sent for me to teach~
Walk with~
Learn from~
Dance with~
Cry to~
Fight with~
Share my life~

I see so many things in you:


What do you have to offer me? WHY YOU?
You don’t need to give me ANYTHING… but what you DO GIVE is EVERYTHING~

This feels familiar and good~
And when I have any doubt… any worries… any question… about WHY?

“I stop myself and LOOK 2 the sky… the only truth is in the sky~”

You ask me why you?
I could ask the same… WHY me?
LOVE doesn’t need to ask WHY~
Love KNOWS… just look 2 the sky~

You’re part of the sky…
I asked and you arrived…



Para ti~
ERES todo~
Te extrano~

Mira el cielo a 2 ~

"Es increíble la forma en que la oscuridad ... CAÍ"
Es un día hermoso ~
Estoy contenta de estar viva ~
Feliz de tenerte en mi vida ...
Hay una calma sobre mí hoy ~
Una tranquilidad ~
Llena de paz ~
Me gusta el silencio ~
Contenta ~
Feliz ~
Llena de amor ~
Un hermoso día para dar las gracias ...
Un lindo día para "Mirar EL CIELO"

Hoy me estoy entregando al cielo ~
Hoy camino con amor ~
Hoy camino con mi amor ~
Estoy abierta ~
Le doy las GRACIAS ~
ME veo ~
Te veo a TI ~
Veo a TI en mi ~
Veo la VERDAD ~

TU me preguntas por qué-YO?
¿Por qué no--TU?
Tu fuiste enviada ~
Para yo amar ~
Proteger ~
Respetar ~
Enviada para enseñarme ~
Caminar conmigo ~
Aprender de mi ~
Para bailar conmigo ~
Llorar a mi lado ~
Luchar y pelear conmigo ~
Para compartir mi vida ~

Veo tantas cosas en TI:
Pureza ~
Respeto ~
Honestidad ~
Apertura ~
Bondad ~
Cuidarme ~
Considerada ~
Levantándome ~
Compasión ~
Crudeza ~
Risas ~
Cielo ~

¿Qué tu me tienes que ofrecer? POR QUÉ - TU?
Tu no me tienes que dar me nada ... pero lo que me das es TODO ~

Lo que tenemos se siente familiar y bueno ~
Y cuando tengo alguna duda ... alguna inquietud acerca… o cualquier pregunta de... ¿POR QUÉ?

"Debo de PARAR y buscar el cielo ... la única verdad está en el cielo ~"
TU me pregunta por qué?
Podría preguntarte lo mismo ... ¿Por qué YO?
Con el AMOR no es necesario preguntar por qué ~
EL AMOR sabe… sólo miras al cielo ~

Eres parte del cielo ...
Yo pregunté y tu llegaste ~


Is JEALOUSY healthy?

“I love making you jealous - - it shows me how much you love me?”

“I only get jealous because I want you to know how much I love you?”

“I can’t stand fulanita - - I don’t like her… and her success… who does she think she is?”

“Why do you have to spend so much time with….?”

My love was on the phone with me the other day… telling me about all the new people in her life… the friends she is making on her travels… she IS happy… FULL of joy… and for the most part all of the people she has told me about sound like wonderful additions to her life… except for ONE (lets call her BLACK BEAUTY)…

Background on BLACK BEAUTY… one word – STUNNING~

Another word – SEXY~

Something happened inside of me… I felt a hint of jealousy… she’s been spending some time with BLACK BEAUTY and they’re connecting… establishing a friendship… and I feel something every time I hear BB’s name… I’m sitting here wondering why I feel this way… why do I automatically cringe when my love shares the details of their time together?

They’re just hanging… having dinner… going dancing… doing what home girls do~

I guess one part of it… is that I wish it were me she was spending time with… I wish I could be with her… I wish we could have romantic dinners, go on evening strolls, or just watch a corny movie together.

I wish I was close enough to just jump on a train to see her and bring her soup - - did I mention that my love works in Colombia (the country)~

I don’t like to feel jealous… I don’t want to be jealous… I definitely want to let this go. I don’t want her for myself… I shouldn’t be selfish… I have a handful of people I spend my time with on a regular…

Why does it bother me?
Why do we get jealous?
Why do we get jealous in relationships?
Where does jealousy come from?
When is jealousy healthy?

Another thought… if we remove that feeling of being jealous - - will the people in our lives feel that we no longer care for or love them?


Monday, June 1, 2009

Pushing BEYOND the limits~

Pushing myself until it hurts~
On the brink of tears… yet I can’t STOP~
Beyond my limits~
Past my perception of what I can take~ learning I can take SO MUCH MORE~
Surpassing the exhaustion~

I am pushing myself today harder than I ever have~

I don’t believe I have EVER worked this hard… used so much of my body, mind, spirit and soul~

When you push yourself you TRULY see what you are made of… the things I believed were UNATTAINABLE are in the past… those thoughts no longer serve me.

“I can’t do it!” is no longer in my vocabulary… it is replaced by:


“I am tired!” translates to:
FINISH IT… there is NO time to be tired…
MEET your deadlines~
DO what you set out to do~
Do what you say you are going to do~

“I am exhausted!” turns into:
If I have enough energy to even utter those words… then I still have a little bit more… SO KEEP PUSHING~

What about the housework, the errands, the dishes that have been in the sink for two days because I have been working 14 hour days? All excuses to stop my momentum - - to procrastinate… just FINISH IT…
Finish what I set out to do~
Finish what I started~

The dishes will still be there tomorrow… The only thing I really NEED to do right now is practice:

It takes great COURAGE to wake up everyday and go after what you want~
ENDURANCE to be able to take whatever comes your way and still have the strength to move forward even when you’re kicked down… wiping the dirt off your knees and continuing to smile while keeping it moving.

Know that anything worth having requires HARD WORK… and many moments of WORKING HARD for what you want! I have been non-stop and I am not stopping… I am PUSHING myself harder than I ever have… and this pain feels good~

An incredible amount of COMMITMENT is necessary - - without it we’re just full of shit~ and fooling ourselves and everyone we tell that we WANT TO ACHIEVE a certain goal… if you wake up today with a dream… and tomorrow a door closes RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE… and you allow that dream killer to take it from you… then YOU NEVER WERE committed… so stop lying to yourself… you’re full of crap and never really wanted it… TALK IS CHEAP! People have what THEY have… BY DOING, going after, giving, and receiving… by honoring themselves… don’t wait for it… COMMIT to it!

DON’T QUIT! You can’t fail! The only way you can fail - - is by QUITTING! I read that somewhere recently~

But my all time favorite and personal mantra… is practicing PATIENCE~ I KNOW that everything happens RIGHT on TIME~ I’m not worried… I’m not stopping… I will be ready when it arrives~

KEEP pushing yourself?


Friday, May 29, 2009

The Process of CREATING~

What is the process of creating?

Where do we start?

Part of my twenty in 2 for today is re-connecting with my MYSPACE family. We were tight... words were shared... LOVE was always in the air~

I decided to add to my list of things for today to READ some blogs from my list of writers that I follow... and one of my most favorite writers DID NOT DISAPPOINT: SARA FREE... I love thee...

She posted a video that just FILLED me... with energy and love... I feel it throughout my body... YOU ARE LOVE SARA~ THANK YOU~

Courtesy of Sara Free's page... shared with love:

Most of your time will be spent COLLECTING data… DATA that will help you DECIDE what is YOU want~ BUT, you’re REAL WORK is to DECIDE what you want and then to FOCUS upon what you want… THAT YOU WILL ATTRACT IT” from the video

Nothing happens by accident…things always seem to fall into place according to the direction we are walking in..

If my dream is to DO WHAT EVER… insert YOUR DREAM… what are you doing to get there? Are you waking up everyday making decisions and doing things that take you closer to fulfilling it?

We MUST set the wheels in motion… THAT’S WHAT CREATION MEANS TO ME… its MOVEMENT… constant movement… and it’s about TIMING… everything happens RIGHT ON TIME… we must be ready… once THAT WHEEL STARTS TURNING it does not like to stop! We must keep the momentum… TIMING is keep getting ready~

Where are we headed? DIRECTION~ We must move towards something… we must NOT settle for complacency…

Most of this year and last… has been about collecting a tremendous amount of data ALL ACROSS LATIN AMERICA… and all of this NEW FOUND data is moving me into a new space in my life~

I am creating more today than yesterday… and hope to continue to create more tomorrow~

Where do we begin?



Thursday, May 28, 2009

TEN things Latino’s do wrong~

1. Think we know everything
2. We are always RIGHT
3. Believe the Latin American country WE COME FROM invented EVERYTHING… merengue, salsa, son, platanos, the first person to walk the moon… yeah didn’t you know all that happened in DR first... lol (please don’t comment silly responses to me… I am not an idiot and I know for a fact the first E.T. was found in Santo Domingo)…. ☺
5. We are proud - - even when we shouldn’t be… (my personal feelings about Dominican’s and the treatment of Haitians)
6. We are NOT the best business people (we have very POOR examples)…
7. DID I SAY WE KNOW IT ALL… we don’t care what school you graduated from - - we will NOT back down… BECAUSE LIKE I SAID we know it ALL…
8. Trapped in our CLOSED cultural minds… our personal experience…Mexican’s are #1, NO Dominicans are, NO Puerto Ricans are…
9. NO unity in the LATIN COMMUNITY…
10. WE ARE MISSING THE MESSAGE… the bigger picture…

The message… LEARN, learn and learn some more… we keep doing the same old stuff getting the same old results… AND WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED - - what do we have to show for it?

I just came back from the opening of BEA - - Book Expo America… I have been going yearly since 2006… (WHEN I MET OBAMA *she grins*)… and every year I come back a little disappointed Latina…

There are many reasons to attend Book Expo… publishing houses from ALL OVER THE WORLD ATTEND… wonderful panel discussions and seminars, 100’s of booths FILLED with things meant to EDUCATE, INSPIRE, or whatever your heart fancies… free books, books on fishing, comics, every genre – every country – every color… did I mention FREE BOOKS people~

But why I attend?

HELLO! Free BOOKS… kidding…

There are two MAIN reasons I attend BEA…

First – to size up my competition… as a writer I like to see what other Latina’s are writing about… I go to network… to see who I see…

Second and most importantly - - FOR MY INSPIRATION! The African American Program at BEA… it NEVER fails me… and always delivers. Each year I attend the opening night at BEA and Ms. Clara Villarosa sets it off (I missed her speak today—but I know she was brilliant—she always is… I got to the event late…)
HOWEVER, I did attend the panel discussion on “Using Social Networks to Promote and Sell Books: Face, Blogs, and Twitter” - - USEFUL information… inspiring… EDUCATIONAL… you guys following me?

What’s my problem today with my Latinos? It’s bigger than BEA… but one example was the sad turnout today for the 11th Annual International Latino Book Awards…and not just that—barely anyone attended… THIS WAS AN AWARDS CEREMONY FOR LATINO WRITERS… and in the first 15 minutes (eleven awards were called out in the Children and Young Adults books portion of the evening… and only 3 of the authors or reps from their publishing houses were present…) we are not even supporting our own people…

What are black folks doing right?

THEY TURN OUT… they support, they come together… maybe not at every event… or family gathering or their own awards ceremonies… but from MY EXPERIENCE and in MY OPINION… THEY TURN OUT…

What are we missing – what’s the bigger picture… just look at my TEN THINGS list again!
There are few things I want to respond to:

1. Think we know everything
3. We are NOT the best business people (we have very POOR examples)…
4. Trapped in our CLOSED cultural minds… our personal experience…Mexican’s are #1, NO Dominicans are, NO Puerto Ricans are…
5. NO unity in the LATIN COMMUNITY…

We DON’T know everything… There is so much we can learn from the BLACK COMMUNITY. We DO NOT have to reinvent the wheel.

When are we going to have OUR OWN movement?

When are we going to MOVE TOGETHER towards something that benefits more than ONE group/ONE flag?

When are we going to open our minds to what we have in COMMON with other LATINO cultures?

Why are we NOT united?

I am not going to wait anymore… I am going to be apart of larger movement. A movement that moves me towards a shared history with Africa where I can approach African Americans here in the U.S. to show me the way… moving me closer to people who want to walk WITH ME… those who will teach me what I don’t already know—so I can move on and teach others… I know MANY Latino’s who don’t believe in asking ANYBODY for help. “WHO WANNA GET THERE FIRST” Those who are fighting for the scraps…those who will not take someone’s hand (a black hand) and allow them to provide guidance. We have so much to learn.

You think you KNOW IT ALL… but you have NO IDEA!


Twenty in TWO~ Can't Stop~ Won't Stop~

My cousin Emma and I have been talking a lot lately about moguls… people who inspire her… people she aspires to be like… her role models… the Oprahs, Gates, Puffy’s of the world… and she shared with me a twitter post by her mentor - - it read something like this:

“Make a list of 20 things you need to get done - - you got two hours”

I have been incorporating that 20 in two concept into my daily routine… the past few days have been a hustle and I must admit I’ve struggled a little with it… its an incredible concept - - an idea that pushes you beyond your limits and truly teaches you about time management - - how to deal with interruptions - - those pesty little twitter alerts and text messages - - calls from friends who just want to chit chat… (like you my beautiful sister… spending ten minutes on the phone with me trying to convince me how funny dane cook is - - like I care girl>>>> love you ☺)


20 in 2… is an amazing idea... I am loving it… but I am learning that it is NOT so EASY… its NOT about listing 20 of your most biggest projects and trying to get them done in two hours - - that’s setting myself up for self-sabotage… with unattainable goals…

It IS – about BALANCE… setting attainable - - realistic - - REACHABLE goals (lets not set ourselves up for failure) and not just balancing… but making room for the shit we can’t control - - like long distance calls that are unexpected from DR and Colombia that you can’t just let go into voicemail - - - - we gotta learn to switch up our list… minor adjustments…

I am proud of myself today… I am on my third set of twenty in two…

That makes sixty things I have completed today… THAT’S excellent…

I have a new way of looking at how I go about getting my tasks done… I just START.. tackling one by one… I am not sweating it…its about getting my tasks done.

I am learning how to focus… balance… prioritize… GET IT DONE!

How do we know how to pick what’s more important—when everything seems like a priority? And what about the minor priority things we feel are NOT so important? point is to just list twenty… give yourself two hours and GO~


Thanks Diddy… Thanks Emma - - I love you. Girl - - you are the best non-paid P.A. a girl could have… ☺


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Reflection~ What IS really important?

Before I share my blog I need a release: a free write…

I am so angry today…
Why can’t I shake you?
Why are you lingering?
Why don’t you just leave?
I am angry with me…
For allowing you to invade MY - - SPACE…
Although time has passed…
I am no longer the same…
Like the child who has been robbed of their innocence…
Mine was taken from me…
I now see the world differently…
That how I combat this…
This feeling…
Love myself through ALL MY PAIN…
I keep getting sucked back into this web…
I don’t want it in my life…
I don’t want poison…
My veins are FULL…
I release IT… I SURRENDER it all~
End of freewrite…


I have come a long way from my PEACEFUL space… that person I once was… I seem to be FAR from my “peace & love” writings of 2008.

I just looked at a few of my past blogs and find myself REFLECTING… analyzing where I’ve been… questioning:

Where am I headed?
What’s it ALL FOR?

What I found to be important to me in 2008 and what I was on the constant search for was ALWAYS:

Inner circle
True friendships with women… (Fab, Joe, V, Ely, Emma, Court, Laleet, Kelly… just to name a few…)

I noticed today that I have I have lost myself somewhere on the journey…

I stopped my PRACTICE…

My meditations…

My prayers… I stopped feeding myself with all the positive and beautiful images that I used to surround myself with… this journey has transformed me… the harsh realities of the world has impacted me leaving an IMPRINT on my heart, mind and soul.

The things I found in 2008 still mean a lot to me… but I’ve changed in 2009 - - my search now is all about:


Which in most of the places I have been have NOT reaped positive benefits for those who are faced dealing with those issues…

I am more concerned now with helping communities… building communities… building a team of people who want to help communities…

Part of me misses the days where I meditated for the answers, but I realize today that I MAY NOT always have that extra two hours when I am traveling in the 3rd world...that I may JUST HAVE to sacrifice and stop mid prayer to fight for those who need my help… I may need to stop talking about what I need God to help me with and just get RIGHT TO the business of helping others… I must do what I was sent to do…

I am thinking about the woman I am - - and who I am becoming~

What are you thinking about?


Thursday, May 14, 2009

RUNNING out of time~

The last time she felt this way was September 11, 2001.

When her world was changed in seconds…

That was a moment of enlightenment for her… fuck that - - that was a “bitch—wake the fuck up—slap into reality kind of awakening”.

It was the moment that would forever transform her.

It was the moment that shaped her…

It was the moment she watched two towers crumble around the city that never sleeps…

The city that “IF YOU CAN’T make it here!”

YOU CANT make it anywhere…

Today she’s thinking about greatness~

How there are some who see their greatness through… and they live long enough to see their greatness… to share their greatness… to not be robbed of their greatness… to LIVE THEIR lives with GREATNESS…

Then there are others who are on the brink of their greatness - - and ONE moment changes their lives… MERE SECONDS… a moment that can change their lives FOREVER and then there are those who are born for GREATNESS and NEVER SEE IT…

- Heath Ledger
- Ritchie Valens
- Anne Frank
- John Lennon
- Kevin Belden
- Luis Diaz Sr.
- Selena
- Princess Diana
- Versace
- Sid Vicious
- Aaliyah
- River Phoenix
- Notorious B.I.G.
- Tupac Shakur
- Kurt Cobain
- Jimi Hendrix
- Janis Joplin
- Jim Morrison
- Brandon Lee
- Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes
- Bruce Lee
- Jesus
- John Belushi
- Eva Peron
- Bob Marley
- Marilyn Monroe
- Jam Master Jay
- Martin Luther King
- Malcolm X

Have you ever felt like you’re RUNNING out of time?

Like there is so much left to do and you’ve barely just started?

Barely started living… when something happens to change your life in seconds… something enters your life and takes it from you… something takes your life…

Have you ever been scared to leave your house because you’re worried about when THAT moment that you’re living in… that it could very well be your last?

Cowards… those who take greatness away from another…

These COWARDS are the people afraid of THEIR GREATNESS…

Afraid to stand up - alone!
Afraid to do it on their OWN!
Afraid to see it through!
Afraid to leave!
Afraid to love!
Afraid to grow!
Afraid to let others live, love and grow!

Those moments that come and end a life unexpectedly~

Not looking their victim in the eye…

Shooting them in the back of the head…

People who never saw it coming when they allowed THAT moment to consume them - - that thing they believe they have under control… that moment they USE to EASE the pain…


Angry at the people who take happiness away from others…
Angry at the people who wish harm on others…
Angry that she feels that she needs to run…