Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Life interrupted!

In this moment I feel:
All over the place, but nowhere in particular
Lost in my head
Sick to my stomach

I’ve wanted to write something, anything, for a while but have had nothing to say…

So a freewrite…

What is it that I’m most afraid of?


Failing my daughter
Failing my family
Failing myself
Failing my friends
Failing at life

What is it that I’m worried about?

Doing the right thing…

OK for the people who read my blogs… its time for me to finally share what’s going in my life…

I have been invited to work on a documentary that will take me out of the country for six months. This is truly a dream come true - - for those of you who know what my novel is about you will understand why. The book I am writing is heavy on Latino America and all that we are REALLY about (not how the media portrays us) our history, our people, our culture, our politics and our love for our individual countries…

I just got back Monday night from visiting my family in Florida (saying my goodbyes to mami, papi, my sisters Yoslaida y Fabiana and my little niece/puppy Cocola) and something my father said to me made me smile… I was interviewing my parents in preparation for my travels to Latin America (a practice interview solely in Spanish) I asked him about his experience when he arrived to the U.S. - - wondering if he ever felt that he needed to lose his language or culture when he got here and he said… “on the outside of the front door of our house – all that’s America - - when I walk in that door everything that surrounds these four walls is the Dominican Republic” we Dominicans are a very proud people… as are most Latino’s (those who are not trying to deny their roots).

So the work I do and the things I TRULY want to spend my life writing about are telling stories about the people and history that make me - - ME. And for me that has everything to do with being a Dominican girl born in the United States…but my book honors all the people that where left behind when our families decided to try to make a better life for themselves here~ So here I am - - about to embark on what I can only imagine will be ONE OF THEEEEE best moments and experiences of my life. To be able to travel to 13 countries throughout Latino America and be able to hear their stories - - there’s just NO WORDS to describe what that feels like because it’s still so unbelievable to me. And I leave in less than 3 weeks…

However, I do have words for how my body has been feeling:

I feel like shit
Muscle spasms that kept me in bed for a week when I got back from California two weeks ago…
I had a horrible back pain where I couldn’t even dress myself and it only went away while I was in FLA with my peeps…
My stomach has been upset almost everyday…
I don’t feel strong.
My body feels weak…
I definitely need a cleansing/detox/personal trainer to get me in shape… I feel so off… when I need to be ON~

There’s so much to do and I’m not sure where to start…

My daughter and her living arrangements while I’m gone has me stressed~
Leaving the finances in order~
Preparing for the trip~

And those are just a few things from the LONG list of things that must be done in two weeks…

I feel blocked…

I keep hearing myself saying… just keep moving – just keep moving… keep getting ready Alicia… what’s happening in my life right now is a blessing an incredible gift and opportunity… why am I afraid?

How do we get unblocked?
How do we handle interruptions?
How do we know when we’re doing the RIGHT THING?


Thursday, June 5, 2008

Mastery of LOVE pt. 1: You can’t break me~

I can’t be broken~
You can’t break my spirit~
At the core of me I am love~
Love always reminds me of who I am~

How do you deal with people, events, and emails that “F’g” mess with your core - - threaten your peace… that attempt to break you?

It’s those things that come in and try to take you off your path.

Those unexpected/unwelcome out of the blue texts from people you have no relationship with and haven’t heard from in ages…

It always happens this way… I wake up feeling wonderful, powerful, full of love and completely happy. My spirit is solid and after meditation and yoga I am READY to start the day… full of life…

Then I WAKE UP to an email… that utterly pisses me the “f” off…

From someone who is in their own space and place in their life and who decided that on that particular day little ‘ol me became a thought of the day.

Has this ever happened to you? You’re going about your business and BAM an email from someone you never expected would email you? Like the guy you went on a date with in January who decides he wants to call you in June to call you a stuck up “b” for not wanting to give him a second date…

Some people hold onto things for the right moment to let us have it.

We never really know what their motivation is - - or why they send their messages out… but they however DO KNOW WHY…

THEY KNOW exactly why it is they do what they do. They know exactly the result and response they’re looking for.

From journal… word I meditated on June 2nd FORGIVENESS~

“We mistake our experiences particularly bad experiences to be indicators of who we are and what we deserve even when we know we deserve better, we mistake our experiences for obstacles that can keep us from experiencing more. It is our beliefs mistaken or otherwise that ultimately determine what we will do or be in life.” – Iyanla

Why can’t we reverse this form of thinking… if my bad experiences are the indicators of who I am then why can’t I do the same with the good that comes??? When our relationships are going beautifully - - the light hasn’t gotten shut off - - when things at work are going great - - when things seem to be going beautifully - - when we’re receiving an abundance of all that’s good and the blessings keep pouring in. Why aren’t these also indicators of who we are and what we deserve… if I look at all the good I have – why shouldn’t I be happy about it?

What do I believe to be the truth about my life?
What do I believe to be at my core?

So while I’m on vacation just starting the day - - minding my business not thinking about anything but showing my daughter a good time - - I never saw the attack coming….

Love thy enemy… (These words came to mind as I was writing today)

Word I meditated on today – ANGER…

Forgiveness & Anger… how do these words work together? How do I apply these words in my life? Especially when I want to stay angry and NOT forgive~

While I was away last week I received a series of disgusting, hateful, hurt-filled, harassing and UNLOVING emails from someone who once was someone significant in my life - - she was once my FRIEND and confidant. We were like sisters… But the ties were severed during a falling out last spring - - she’s the person I wrote about in
Letter 9: Broken Girl~


We met at work and instantly clicked.
We hung together tight.
We got breakfast together almost daily and had lunch together all the time.
We even shared our family gatherings.

All was cool until THE “disconnect” she went her way and I went mine… I never heard from her again.

I attempted to reach out to her to see how she was feeling I wanted to try and salvage some form of our relationship – but she made it crystal clear that she wasn’t interested.

So I’ve moved on with my life… but unfortunately she hasn’t left mine. After she walked off the job over 10 months ago (and I was moved into her position) I haven’t heard a peep from her since. We have NOT kept in touch. We both moved on – or so I thought…

About a month ago I began hearing her name in the air again… and one day I received a call from her… out of the blue… I almost fell off my chair… she acted like we were best friends that had just spoken yesterday. I was in shock for REAL~ after she spent the entire conversation updating me on her life (and not once asking how I was doing or how my daughter was) I finally asked her what I could do for her… I wanted to know what she needed… she needed a favor…

Bottom line - - I told her I was uncomfortable, we haven’t spoken - - and that I needed to think about it… (I should have just said NO right off the bat).

Her last words to me were “OK I understand, if that’s how you feel - - I’m sure my number showed up on your caller ID - - if I don’t hear from you by tonight I’ll take that as a NO” (PERFECT: I was off the hook - - I knew I wouldn’t be calling her back that night… there was no reason to… it was a NO to her request.)

So I went about my business… continued living my life and at that point I was about to close shop at work - - I was days away from leaving my job and had much to focus on, too much to do and lots on my plate.

Fast forward…

I’m done with my job, trained my replacement, cleaned out my stuff - - said my goodbyes – I received a wonderful sendoff. And my last day arrived… I was gone… and the very next day my daughter and I were off to California (yay us).

I read today that I should honor what I FEEL… so I am honoring that I was PISS’T to receive her texts… How dare she write me! I wanted to say… get my name out ur mouth… stay out of my business… The TRUTH about me receiving those words was that my spirit was shaken a little bit and THAT MADE me angry…

So two days later while in cali… here’s what I received via text:

Text 1
“Oh BTW, I got that job u didn't want to give me a ref for. Good thing
I'm blessed w/a great track record. The job is fabulous and paying High 5 figures. So thanks, cuz God blessed me anyway cuz he saw the devil at work.”

Text 2
“Good Luck. Karma is a Bitch! Hopefully, things work out for u as they
did for me. But I knew mine would because I get back what I put out. I'm highly favored and blessed. Be Blessed.”

Text 3
“Heard ur not at BW anymore. Well, if it wasn't for my illness u wouldn't have been there this long. Oh yeah, betcha didn't know that. So ur welcome. Job market is tough.... Hope u got a new job lined up.”

Its NO coincidence that my word for today is ANGER… and that what I read this morning kept reminding me to HONOR when I am feeling angry… that it is quite OK for me to be a spiritual being and get angry… that its how I choose to deal with that anger that’s important.

I guess what infuriated me about those texts… is the idea that SOMEONE/ANYONE thinks they are capable of TAKING my power away (and in being angry - - it’s like I believe they actually can take it). And that’s not gonna work… I don’t get down like that…

“You are never angry for the reason you think you are” – Course in Miracles…

I must admit that those text plus some emails I received this week made me angry. Mostly because I allowed the words I READ to have an AFFECT on me. (Spiritually I know can’t be touched and on a deeper level I know the words ain’t TRUE) but on a more earthly level - - and in being REAL… I was heated and took the words personally as if what was said about ME to ME was true. And of course I wanted to swing back~

Then I read again: “The worse people act the greater is their need for healing” – Iyanla

So while I was reading… I wrote the question to myself:

What about the texts got me so angry?

It was words like: Karma, devil… and just the ugliness displayed to me through the language… its what I read between the lines… it’s where I went personally - - going back to my past. The words make me question MYSELF - - and me thinking what could I have done to attract that?

“The things that evoke emotions from you today are EXPRESSIONS of the same things that evoked these emotions the first time you experiences them” – Iyanla

Reading that today was so helpful… because it really has nothing to do with the texts… more than it has to do with hateful words I’ve heard in the past that were intended to make me feel bad. Or words that I took on as truth… the words I believed about me… words that I internalized… words that others said to me that for years I continued to punish myself with…

I’m DONE with THAT… nothing that was written in that text or any email was TRUE… nothing in the words written is about ME~


“We are responding to meanings and judgments we attach to the experiences, and it is our JUDGEMENTS that create imbalances in our mental and emotional energy.” - Iyanla

Do I believe that I am the devil? NO~

So me NOT acknowledging this persons harassing texts… and just RELEASING IT…. surrendering… FORGIVING (this shit is hard folks) deleting the texts finally…and loving myself through the ANGER - - is a healthy way for me to HEAL and DEAL with whatever comes my way.

From my meditation…I must remember…

What I am feeling… this anger… is TEMPORARY… and being angry is perfectly acceptable…
WORDS can not hurt me…
All things bring me closer to healing…
I can choose what I feel about all my experiences…

"LOVE will heal anything that is not an expression of LOVE…" - Iyanla

What do I believe to be the truth about my life? Its peace filled and I am blessed and I deserve happiness… I AM HAPPY~ the next time something unexpected happens… how will I always respond? With LOVE~ I am on a journey to MASTER LOVE…
What do I believe to be at my core? LOVE~ LOVE~ LOVE~

What do you believe to be the truth about your life?
What do you believe to be at your core?
How do you deal with things that threaten to break you?