In this moment I feel:
Scattered
All over the place, but nowhere in particular
Calm
Quiet
Lost in my head
Scared
Worried
Sick to my stomach
I’ve wanted to write something, anything, for a while but have had nothing to say…
So a freewrite…
What is it that I’m most afraid of?
FAILING
Failing my daughter
Failing my family
Failing myself
Failing my friends
Failing at life
What is it that I’m worried about?
Doing the right thing…
OK for the people who read my blogs… its time for me to finally share what’s going in my life…
I have been invited to work on a documentary that will take me out of the country for six months. This is truly a dream come true - - for those of you who know what my novel is about you will understand why. The book I am writing is heavy on Latino America and all that we are REALLY about (not how the media portrays us) our history, our people, our culture, our politics and our love for our individual countries…
I just got back Monday night from visiting my family in Florida (saying my goodbyes to mami, papi, my sisters Yoslaida y Fabiana and my little niece/puppy Cocola) and something my father said to me made me smile… I was interviewing my parents in preparation for my travels to Latin America (a practice interview solely in Spanish) I asked him about his experience when he arrived to the U.S. - - wondering if he ever felt that he needed to lose his language or culture when he got here and he said… “on the outside of the front door of our house – all that’s America - - when I walk in that door everything that surrounds these four walls is the Dominican Republic” we Dominicans are a very proud people… as are most Latino’s (those who are not trying to deny their roots).
So the work I do and the things I TRULY want to spend my life writing about are telling stories about the people and history that make me - - ME. And for me that has everything to do with being a Dominican girl born in the United States…but my book honors all the people that where left behind when our families decided to try to make a better life for themselves here~ So here I am - - about to embark on what I can only imagine will be ONE OF THEEEEE best moments and experiences of my life. To be able to travel to 13 countries throughout Latino America and be able to hear their stories - - there’s just NO WORDS to describe what that feels like because it’s still so unbelievable to me. And I leave in less than 3 weeks…
However, I do have words for how my body has been feeling:
I feel like shit
Muscle spasms that kept me in bed for a week when I got back from California two weeks ago…
I had a horrible back pain where I couldn’t even dress myself and it only went away while I was in FLA with my peeps…
My stomach has been upset almost everyday…
I don’t feel strong.
My body feels weak…
I definitely need a cleansing/detox/personal trainer to get me in shape… I feel so off… when I need to be ON~
There’s so much to do and I’m not sure where to start…
My daughter and her living arrangements while I’m gone has me stressed~
Leaving the finances in order~
Preparing for the trip~
And those are just a few things from the LONG list of things that must be done in two weeks…
I feel blocked…
I keep hearing myself saying… just keep moving – just keep moving… keep getting ready Alicia… what’s happening in my life right now is a blessing an incredible gift and opportunity… why am I afraid?
How do we get unblocked?
How do we handle interruptions?
How do we know when we’re doing the RIGHT THING?
Peace~
1 comment:
Alicia,
All your feelings are normal and justified. You are embarking on a life changing experience. And that change began when you accepted/decided to do the story a long time ago before you ever knew it would show up in Latino magazine.
You should feel. Did you hear me? You should feel - nervous, sick, anxious, worried, scared, fear - they are all normal feelings that your body undergoes when its undergoing change. You are changing, life is changing, circumstances are changing. There is no guidebook on how to deal with it but taking it one day at a time, decision at a time, challenge at a time. This process is also going to help you write a how-to book on how to do your dreams through all these emotions. maybe you'll write that book in addition to your novel and there'll be a chapter on each of those emotions.
"There is no fear in perfect love" and thats directly from the scriptures. Let go of the fear that is harmful, detrimental and attemptintg to stop you in your tracks. Its not pushing you on but is trying to slow you down. You've done the legwork now enjoy the field work.
Peace and TRUE blessings my sista!
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