Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Going through the E-Motions and my thoughts on FREE SPEECH:

“Am I courageous enough to live the truth of my desires without fear?”

It’s difficult not to question myself when I am being questioned!

I am free to write about my experience!

How do we as writers respect the privacy of people in our lives while respecting and honoring our place in the experience - - and our right to write about it?

Afraid of my greatness! During one of my last therapy sessions my doctor said - - “what are you afraid will happen? What is your biggest fear about moving forward - - what keeps you back - - what keeps you from achieving success – of having what you want?”

She asked me to imagine myself standing in front of a door - - with my hand on the door knob - - and she asked me “what keeps me from opening that door? What do I think will be there once I open that door?”

I got really scared while I imagined that moment - - and my immediate response was that NO ONE would be there. That the people I loved the most would not be there.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday re-reading over and over again the blog I wrote that upset someone I loved - - wondering what exactly was it that I wrote that offended or hurt the person. I was thinking to myself - does the person feel I attacked them? So I called my sister immediately in mid thought and I said I need to say this to you before I forget it - - she said ok go - - I am willing to sacrifice my relationships with the people I love if it brings them together.

And today that feeling hasn’t changed - - I just wrote in my journal - - I AM WILLING TO LOSE EVERYTHING IF I AM SERIOUS ABOUT HAVING ANYTHING!

I must believe that those who love me will always stand with me even if they don’t like what I am writing about - - I can’t be a people pleaser - - its not who I am.

But on being a RESPONSIBLE WRITER… I take that very seriously. There are ideas about writing with the reader in mind. I think that as a writer I struggle with this. Are my responsibilities to write the TRUTH or filter it through others…should I check in with society and my community? I feel like I’d never get any writing done that way. Most of the writers I know have shared with me that considering how their writing will affect others is precisely what keeps them from coming to the page. This is why people don’t write or why they don’t commit to writing - - for fear of hurting a family member.

I am not afraid to speak or write the truth. I must remember who I am - -and why I do what I do and the place that I am writing from.

My daughter was upset with me for sharing in my blog Random Thoughts what happened between us during our trip away - - that I put it out in the universe for the world to see our personal business… I had to explain to her my reasons and defend my right to write what is important to me - - while at the same time never really putting in ALL the details of ALL that was said during that moment in our life. The conversation jumped to censorship and anonymity…

I’m not here to make anyone comfortable if it means I make myself uncomfortable!
I’m not here to conform!
I’m not here to be controlled!
If people don’t understand what I write – then there is nothing I can do about that!

I will never censor my truth for anyone - - not even my daughter - - it’s not what I do - - while I will always protect the real names and faces of the people I write about – I will not censor how I write my relationships. If you are in my life in any way - - and you are an important player in my game - - then there’s a very real chance you will be apart of my writers life.

I talk a lot about truth - - and that’s a big deal to me. When I allow anyone or anything to make me doubt me - -MY SKILLS - - and what my true intention is as a writer is - - I dishonor me.

If you know me at all - - you know the place my writing comes from - - I should never have to defend that. What I must understand is that I have NO CONTROL over how my words are going to be received. The only thing I ever have control over is what I put out into the world with my words and deeds. And as long as I am good with it - - then I’ve done my job!

I felt a little attacked by the person who I hurt with my words… (I need to build thicker skin because it wont be the first or last time someone calls me on something they don’t like) what I have to remember is that I will not and can not please everyone all the time. It’s just not realistic.

I found myself second guessing myself - - I can not allow others words to cut me - - or break me down - - I know who I am and why I do what I do and I owe NO ONE an explanation and I make no apologies and I don’t need to defend myself. I spent last night and night before that and this morning trying to release and let go of the feelings I got from the response I received on something I wrote. I almost took down my blog because my words made someone I love uncomfortable. I allowed it to make my words feel worthless - - not valued… (I had to keep replaying the song NO ONE, by Alicia Keys to bring me back).

My dominating feeling yesterday was ANGER…getting off the train this morning I was thinking about love and anger. How can I be angry and still love? I was juggling thoughts about which emotion I would choose to dominate my thoughts and my day… if I have two choices to be angry or walk in love - - which is my guiding force?

LOVE is always my force.

However yesterday, I kept hearing the words from the email: “FOR ALL OF YOUR SKILL…” I kept replaying that to myself - - for all of my skill - - or lack thereof - - I twisted the words even more - - so I could feel a direct hit - - a deeper assault - - for all my skill as a writer - - that I am skill-less - - without skill… and on and on I went. And it may not be how it was meant - - but that’s how I CHOSE to see it.

I had to get some perspective and really look at the source… the person wants a reason to be angry with me – all I can do is stand in love. Worse case scenario is that my family -not support me during my writers journey… (I go back to what I said to my sister - - if what I write makes my family stop speaking to me - -I am willing to risk that if it brings them closer together). It’s a chance I am willing to take.

These thoughts are emotionally draining for me.

Writing is how I heal…
Writing is how I release…
Writing is how I love…

When I allow someone to tell me how to be - - then I stop being me. You might as well put me in a cage.

So I must get back to my core - - back to filling my cup. I was feeling mentally drained and exhausted.

My BFFL Laleet read a passage to me once about people who won’t be ready to hear truth… “Cast not your pearls before swine. Neither give what is holy to dogs.”

This passage came up for me in my meditation while reading One Day My Soul Just Opened Up… the author adds “avoid at all costs giving of your knowledge, time, and energy to unworthy causes and people. How do you know if they are unworthy? If you have to fight with people to accept what you are giving them as an act of love, then they are not worthy.”

“Trying to convince people that there is something you know that could be beneficial to them when they are resistant to hearing you is a waste of valuable resources.” Iyanla Vanzant

I have to keep that in mid as I continue to find my force… that just because I am ready to hear truth, speak truth and live my life that way - - that those closest to me may RESIST it and may not be on the same page at the same time - - but that I must continue to move forward anyway. I am never alone.

The word I am meditating on today is FREEDOM

The ideas that flow through me are free speech, free to be me, free will, free to choose, free to love, free to forgive…all the things that freedom means to me.

“When I am aware of what it takes to maintain my mental, emotional, and physical well being and I make conscious choices toward that goal, I am exercising my freedom.” Iyanla Vanzant

“Freedom is the recognition of the truth.”
Iyanla Vanzant

I read today that what determines freedom - - is that once you decide what you want and whether you are willing to do what it takes to get it, you are free to follow your dreams. In order to be free you must be clear about exactly what it is you want and be open to any and all possible means of acquiring what you want.

I really needed to read this today… she closes the chapter on Freedom saying: (I changed some of the words)

“When I stopped comparing myself to others, competing with others, when I was able to honestly want the best for everyone, when I became willing to make choices and accept full responsibility for their consequences, every chain of that held me in a place of mediocrity and unfulfillment fell away…. I discovered freedom as an inherent part of my life the day I stopped telling my force what I wanted and asked how I could serve my force.”

There is something very freeing about knowing that my force believes in me.

“Freedom is a state of mind.” We are always free to choose something else.

What has a hold on you?

Are you free?


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