Random Thoughts

Today I feel like the weather, cold, damp, nasty, cranky, moody and miserable.

I woke up this morning and felt at peace - - but then when something that didn't go my way - - like putting my nose ring in - - it made me angry and I allowed that moment to take me through this day.

I'm looking out the window at my desk and it's raining - - it is just so yucky out.

I was trying to do my meditation and feed myself some positive words - - but the only words I was allowing in were negative thoughts… about people, places and things - - I don't think I smiled at one person today and that is very out of character for me.

But you know what - - I am sick of being the smile for everyone else - - I would love for someone to walk by me and lift me out of my mood with a smile.

How do I pull myself out of this mood?

Part of me just wants to stay pissed off and take out my frustrations on everyone who walks by me.

Here's a thought… yesterday I was in a really great mood - - I got on the train and sat next to the most wonderful man… he had flowers – he was so happy that day - - I wasn't sure why he was happy but I could tell he was floating on a cloud – I was reading my book and he was just humming a tune. We got to a train stop and this lady got up and stormed off – saying in a loud voice - -

"I can't wait to get off the train - - someone has on way too much perfume…"

I just laughed - - thinking good thing it's your stop lady… the gentleman on the cloud just made this sound and said,

"Oh well – yeah its me smelling all nice - - I put on perfume and bought these flowers and this card for a coworker" as he smiled at me - - saying that the woman he was giving the flowers to was like his mother – and he wanted to do something nice for her because it was her birthday. HOW SWEET… (I thought if I wrote about that moment I would smile…but it didn't work)

On the bachelor….Brad didn't choose either woman to be his bride… (Good for him) I thought if I mentioned the bachelor I would laugh - - because that moment on TV went down as the number 1 event that happened on TV last night. (no laughter)

I'm sitting her sifting through my thoughts trying to pin point what my problem is so I can go in and fix it…

My relationship with my daughter is changing right before my eyes… I never thought it would happen - - I had hoped it wouldn't happen.

My daughter and I went away for the weekend and everything was wonderful up until the last hour when we were shopping for souvenirs - we walked into this cool army navy shop and the first thing she sees is this cool army green hat with the peace sign… we have such similar taste - I sooo wanted that hat…but she saw it first.

We continued checking out some stuff - - I stopped in front of these cool messenger bags - - when she approached I offered to trade the hat for the messenger bag. She said NO that she didn't like the bag…and just got silent - - I paid for our items - -I bought her the hat – got the bag and some other things for me and we left.

Once we were outside of the store she didn't say two words to me. We went from having a fabulous weekend to ICE COLD… we didn't speak for what seemed like thirty minutes - - the only time she spoke to me was about stopping and buying her some additional items.

The weekend was ruined for me immediately.

I was so hurt – I felt bad about myself. In my own head I was trying to understand what it was that had her so angry with me.

It was that I bought the bag…a bag that is similar to her style of carrying messenger bags… I never felt so bad – I felt like one of those mom's that hangs with her daughters friends – trying to act young – wearing clothing that is not age appropriate. Yeah my thoughts went there. I was so piss't that I didn't even want to look at what I had purchased because everything in that bag made me feel like I had done something wrong.

Why am I crying?

I have been sad for two days – 2 days too long.

I feel her pulling away from me. I shouldn't take it personal but I do. A part of me wants to be so very close to her… I love the things she loves… mostly because she loves them. I think my daughter is so cool but I sort of feel like she wants me to find my own way – and at the same time I'm torn because haven't I been showing her the way all this time - - and for the longest time hasn't my way been all about her.

I feel like I am currently going through an identity crisis of my own. I'm pretty grounded but it's starting to hit me that I am more than just Courtney's mother.

Maybe that's why I am so upset today - - because I no longer have my little girl who relied on me for everything - - she is pulling away from me not because she doesn't love me – but because she is trying to find herself.

She wants her own identity separate from me - - and I should want the same for me – separate from her.

So yes I am really sad today…I'm in mourning - because I know that I must let her go - - but I don't want to. Because once I let her go - - I have NO choice but to figure out who ALICIA is and what she wants? I can no longer hide behind motherhood. This is a scary place to be.

Send me a smile.

Peace~