I was waiting for the train during lunch today and I scribbled this thought:
I can't pretend the things you say don't affect me~
I can't pretend that your truth doesn't leave me questioning~
I can't pretend that your form of questioning doesn't make me question me~
I don't want to pretend I'm ok~
Because I'm not ok~
This is not ok~
Is it meant to be painless?
It's so painful~
I'm filled with this emotion… it's extremely hard to describe.
How do I put what I'm feeling into words that you'll understand?
It has this hold on me.
Words they do that to me. They can fill me with love and purity and then turn on me with a quick.
Quickly filling me with anger, negativity, hurt, pain, ugliness - - Self pity.
Is that what I'm feeling? SELF PITY~
Now that I can't have - - pity for my self.
I feel pitiful.
In this PITY state I will hurt those I love the most - -the people closest to me… this pity can transform into poison. It's so fucked up how sometimes the only way we feel better about ourselves is by making someone feel like shit.
Is this really how I want to show up in the world?
How do you show up in the world?
If I walk by you on the street – how do you appear?