Sunday, May 22, 2011

Chapter 25: It felt wrong. My upbringing was blocking the love I was receiving and feeling.


Dec 25, 2007

I had a conversation with God today and SHE told me SHE loved me! This evening I meditated on the word Unconditional Love.

There was a moment in my life when I was truly afraid to be loved unconditionally. I was afraid of what it would do to me if I had it or it left me. I was afraid that love was painful. I believed that love hurts, love betrays, love beats, love disappoints, love demeans, love belittles, love breaks, that true love doesn't exist, that I would never be loved and that I would never find love. I was convinced that love destroys, that love leaves, that love lies, that love dies, and worse that love ends.

I was being forced to look at where I’ve been and where I’m headed. I needed to ask myself, Alicia, am I open to ALL the experiences of my life? Am I open to different expressions of LOVE? Will I allow opportunities to pass me by? Will I allow my soul mate to just pass me by on the street without even so much as a hello? I can not control what is happening to me. What I do know is that I will not run away from love. I won't fear love. I know that I am worthy of love WE ALL ARE.


Creator, please send me a love unlike anything I’ve ever experienced… a love unlike anything I’ve ever known.

Everyday during meditation I prayed for the same things. I gave thanks for everything. You hated that I prayed before every meal, saying, “c’mon mom! I’m starving! You don’t have to say thank you for your jeans, your sneakers and your t-shirt… c’mon lets eat.” It was important for me to give thanks for everything we had and all that we were receiving because I know what life has been like for me without having faith and expressing gratitude. I didn’t care what you said—I prayed everyday. I was thankful to the creator for another day to begin again. Thankful that you were always protected and guided. God brought you home to me safe everyday and I was grateful. I prayed for the protection of my family and for everyone I know and I prayed for all those I don’t know. I prayed for the homeless that they would have food to eat and some place warm to sleep. I prayed for all the little children who have been abused or broken that they would hold onto some of their innocence and know that they are loved. And during my daily prayers I would ask my creator to send me a love unlike anything I’ve ever experienced… a love unlike anything I’ve ever known.

"Most of us remain strangers to ourselves, hiding who we are, and ask other strangers, hiding who they are, to love us." – Leo Buscaglia

Careful what you wish for… you just might get it. I can’t tell you how many yoga sessions I’ve had where my closing prayer ended the same. I would ask the universe to send me the most magnificent expression of love. So when she arrived… she was definitely A LOVE UNLIKE ANYTHING I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED. Those first conversations seemed fluid. We connected on a spiritual level. We were both writers, both single mothers raising teenagers. We talked every day for a few weeks. At first it was just about writing. We shared poetry. Something started happening. I started to feel things. This was unfamiliar territory. Was I attracted to her? Was I feeling her in the same way that I had always felt men? Did I like her – like her… like that? Was I having romantic feelings for her? I had never felt this way before. Things were happening to me and I was confused. What I felt was beautiful… but it scared me. It felt wrong… my upbringing was blocking the love I was receiving and feeling.

Then it happened one day. I was at war with myself. I was so confused. There was so much against me. I was feeling things for this person but I was torn. I was in the middle of yoga and I could not hold my poses. I kept falling and falling. I was crying throughout my meditation. My chest was tight. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. This was foreign to me. I prayed on it. I was reading excerpts from the bible and every passage that I read was about how women would be stoned for this or that. Honor thy man!!! God made Eve for Adam… men and women were made to procreate… and anything outside of that is a sin. I was going through an internal battle. I wanted to push what I was feeling out of my body. I wanted to resist what I was feeling for this woman. I really believed that I was going to go to hell for loving her. That day during yoga, as my eyes were closed as I cried and cried and prayed for an answer. I knew that my creator would want me to feel love. I could no longer deny myself who I am. Finally, I gave in… I allowed myself to feel everything… I released my religious and spiritual battle and gave into what was happening to me. I accepted that I was gay.

We were in bed when I told you. We held each other. I looked and you said, “Baby, I need to tell you something.”

“What’s up mom?”

“I’m in love with a woman… I’m gay.”

You looked at me and said, “Are you sure momma?” I said yes. You asked me if I was happy. I said yes… I’m very happy. You just looked at me and said, “If you’re happy then I’m happy for you. That’s cool my momma’s gay.”

Your opinion and approval was the only one that mattered to me. Once I came out to you I felt free I was liberated. I was so excited about this new chapter of my life. It was like I was born again. Everything was new to me. It felt like there was always just one piece missing to my puzzle and that I finally figured it out. The moment I came out to you was one of the most special days of my life. The moment that I accepted that I was a lesbian was a moment of COMPLETION. I felt like I was finally a complete being. I wanted to share it the world. I wanted to shout it from the highest building. Once I knew that I had your love and support I figured everyone else would just follow. I believed that the entire family would love me anyway.


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