CHAPTER FIVE Moment of Enlightenment - 2007
I continued meeting with Enlightenment to discuss the issues I did not want to deal with. There were things about my life I didn’t know if I wanted you or anyone to know. There was something that was keeping me stuck. There was something that I refused to face. I kept meeting with her and she would always bring up my past. A past that has been filled with the kind pain better saved for a LIFETIME network television special.
So to be the person living the nightmare up close and personal was not something I cared to admit or face. I was sailing in my sea of denial, quite comfortably telling myself that I was good… that it was ALL GOOD. It felt better to not dwell – to not live in the fire that was cooking my insides alive. On the outside I wore this mask. But something was happening I could no longer run from. I was exposed… my insides were now my outsides.
Will they leave me? Will they love me? Will they hate me? What will happen when they discover the truth? Can you forgive me? WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME? Will you still be proud of me?
The moment I put pen to paper to write, “The Letters” came after I went to see my spiritual advisor. She would have all the answers. She would be able to provide me with insight and guidance for all the questions that were stored under lock and key. She quite frankly and assertively said, “You know what the fuck you need to do!”
I was not proud of sleeping with her man. She’s my sister. How could I do that to her? On so many levels I was wrong. She didn’t deserve that. Not from me… we were close. At one point in our lives we were each others confidant there was a time we were best friends—inseparable. For years I kept this secret. I've been sitting with the guilt and shame of it internally from the moment I slept with him. Writing this letter is not easy. This incident was a huge mistake, my biggest regret filled with every negative emotion that I have ever felt: betrayal, self hate, shame, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, fear, jealousy, envy, competitiveness, and regret. They're all ONE feeling that feeds off each other. Shame is this beast that was feasting at my insides like a parasite.
Of all the letters I’ve written this one falls in the top three of the most painful during this process. This letter is painful because I can no longer run from it… I am being forced to admit some things and really look at myself. I am sitting here typing this letter afraid of the keys with each stroke. Scared of the words I am about to see in print. I am so conflicted. So much of me would rather shut the computer down and not face what I must! I think I've been writing this letter for over six years.
This one is way past due… I will take my time… This one can't be rushed… This one I will treat with every ounce of love that consumes me… this one I need to get strong for. It requires that I build up positive energy. I must call forth everything I am. I must come with patience, faith, trust and love and believe in my force. This letter calls forth ALL of my learning. I am channeling all of the tools from my arsenal of healing. It’s like I’m that little girl waiting… waiting for my beating. A beating I know is coming.
Everyone has a position, a role they play, a place they sit on the hierarchy of the family tree. I am one of the eldest girls in my family. Of all the females in the family I would say that I command the most attention the moment I enter a room. Mostly because the first thing people see is my height, then it would be a combination of my strength, truth, personality, confidence, voice, brutal honesty, vulgarity, generosity, ability to take control of a situation and make things happen. The one constant is that I am always there no matter what! What would my sisters say about me? What would people say if they found out what I had done to her? What would my cousins say about me? What would my girlfriends say about me? What would my best friend say about me? What would the women in my life say about me? What would YOU say about me? What these women think about me has always mattered to me.
Dear Woman in the Mirror, you the reflection of me,
The hardest letter to write is yours. Most of the letters are about me forgiving others. In this letter I must ask you to forgive me. Yes I slept with him. It was careless. It was wrong. I am so incredibly sorry for hurting you. I know that our relationship will never be the same. I was hurting inside. I was belittling myself at every turn. I wanted to punish you. It was so fucked up after the many years I have spent working on the development of my self, my spirit and my heart. It was absolutely the most horrible thing I could do to you… and I knew it would devastate you.
So I waited... I waited until the right moment… I waited for the moment to pay you back for all the pain our relationship was causing me. I was so incredibly hurt by so much of what was happening between us. At the same time I was dealing with my own shit. My own issues of worthlessness. I thought that pay back would make me feel better about myself but what it did was make me feel worse. I felt like shit. First, because I believed that I was somehow justified in doing what I did. I believed that sleeping with him would somehow get my power back. A power I believed you took from me. Second, because I allowed another man to touch me who was not worthy of me. I felt all my years of healing and self work was thrown out the window in that moment.
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