Upcoming trip and MAGIC!

SO I AM OFF TO THE MOST MAGICAL COUNTRY.... malecon... playas, patria, loyalty, revolution, society, honor, truth, history, religion, ancestors, abuela, tia, tio, mangu, independencia AMOR!!! I am leaving on this page so much LOVE LIGHT PEACE ... I will be gone until the middle of May if you need to reach me email: findingyourforce@gmail.com see you when I return. Sending so many blessings of LOVE... <3

“I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed.”

Something just shifted in me as I was in meditation this morning giving thanks for all that I have received and all that is coming for me. I called out the names of every person I pray are protected and guided. I called out the names of everyone I know and love including those I don’t know and love.

I was crying and incredibly emotional because I am so happy! I can actually feel all the changes that are happening for me and around me… right now… in this moment… as it is happening.

It feels so amazing.

I am not sure if I am even expressing what I am feeling accurately because it’s just so powerful that I don’t have the words to describe how wonderful this feels.

Growing up Catholic, right before I was about to receive communion (which was always my favorite part of service) I really loved the idea that I was receiving the body of Christ. Can you imagine how powerful that is for a child to hear?

Yet I didn’t believe it fully. Nor did I understand what it all meant.

Then as I got older and began to question my faith, communion was still the part of church service that I appreciated the most. This idea that I was being forgiven for all of my sins just by simply saying:

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed.”

There was something comforting about that!

Acknowledging that I am NOT worthy to receive “you” but only when “you” say the word, “I” would be healed.

When I came out as a lesbian I began to end my relationship with the Catholic Church, but my love for Christ didn’t end.

Although my spiritual practice has transformed into this beautiful practice that serves ME and feels welcoming and comforting and RIGHT for ME… every once in a while I still end my prayers with an “Our Father…” or I will say, “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed.” In this way I honor my Catholic ancestors who I know are always with me.

But something happened today… something beautiful. After praying for everyone and everything I was in the middle of closing my prayer and out loud I started to say:

I am not wort…

I stopped myself right there! And that’s when it happened… I started crying because I felt such an amazing feeling come over me. I felt spirit loving on me and I finished my prayer saying:

I AM WORTHY to receive you…  I AM HEALED!

 

And I cried with joy. The SUN/Son smiled on me through the windows of my daughter’s dorm as I saw my reflection. Tears running down my cheeks. My eyes were completely glistening. I was somehow different. I was experiencing an epiphany and my transformation all in one single moment! 

I held my heart… I smiled at myself and allowed all the tears to bathe me… to cleanse me… I released all of it. In that moment a beautiful butterfly flew passed the window.

I stopped and took a picture of my reflection so that I could always remember the exact moment when I knew… when I KNOW that I AM WORTHY… and I AM HEALED!

And so it is~

Ache~

Creator, this or something better!

Have you ever wanted something so bad?

Have you ever wanted something so deeply that it keeps you up at night?

Have you ever wanted something that it makes you nervous, scared, excited and slightly nauseous all at the same time?

That’s how I feel about my writing career. I want to not only continue being blessed with writing everyday for the rest of my life, but I dream of being incredibly successful at it!

Yesterday I went to my mailbox and noticed that there were two very important envelopes waiting for me. I was rushing so I just through the mail in my bag and ran to catch my train to Wesleyan University. I forgot all about the envelopes until I got back to the city and returned to the house.

I wasn’t even thinking about my mail. I was thinking about how all I wanted was sleep. The students at Wesleyan University wiped me out, “In the BEST WAY!” it was such an incredible conversation with such a diverse group of students OF ALL SHADES, GENDERS & SEXUAL ORIENTATION! It was powerful. They had so much to share… the questions were difficult and incredibly personal… but I was up for ALL OF IT!

I was asked, “Is your writing a form of resistance?”

This was such a fantastic question. My response was that NO not this book. My next book… absolutely! :-)

I was sitting on the couch having a conversation with my dear friend when I went into my bag for something and noticed the envelopes. One was an important notice about a generous grant I had applied for. I opened it slowly… it was one of those thin envelopes like the ones when you’re waiting for that response that your application was rejected for admission, but “we thank you for your interest in our school. Good luck in your future endeavors!”

So I opened it… said a silent prayer… and BAM… “we thank you for your interest…” no grant!

All good… I had one more envelope… it was from Publishers Weekly.

I wasn’t sure why I was receiving a magazine from them. I started going through the pages looking to see if maybe I had a mention in the publication. I was looking for an image of my book. I went through it pretty quickly and didn’t see anything. So I went through it a little slower this time. I went through it one page at a time. And that’s when I got to pg. 6, 2^nd column, located at the very bottom… I wasn’t sure if I was reading correctly… listed in the section of self-published titles:

In church my minister Rodney McKenzie teaches that sometimes the miracles we are looking for don’t necessarily show up the way WE WANT or EXPECT them to arrive. Reminding us that when we ask the universe or our creator for something we should premise it with, “This or something better…”

So in the moment I felt everything I needed to feel about that rejection… but opening up that Publishers Weekly magazine and seeing FINDING YOUR FORCE listed… is my SOMETHING BETTER! And so it is!

Ache.

I am so incredibly grateful~

Poetry, LGBT rights, Equality for People of Color and Activism...

"If you are at all interested power of poetry and writing, women's rights, LGBT rights, equality for people of color and activism in general, you absolutely MUST come to our discussion with Alicia Anabel Santos Today, Wednesday at 4:30pm in Room 114 in the new Career Center Building." ~Dorisol Inoa

Location:

Wesleyan University
45 Wyllys Avenue Middletown, CT