When will you let yourself have all that you DESERVE?

June 12, 2012

This was the day I wrote my old story.  Writing my OLD STORY was a requirement from the Minister at my church, Rodney McKenzie, so that we could all let go of our stories and get to truth of who we ALL ARE as Divinity.

Then life happened. Traveling… writing… living… LIFE!  I never sent it!

Then last night happened. July 9, 2012 … I was left BROKEN in the most beautiful way. OPEN… exposed. Completely OPEN and BROKEN WIDE!

As I am sitting here listening to music… I selected the option of “most played” on my playlist and the first song that came on was, “Love Has Spoken!”

Did you know that when I made you… you were whole!

Did you know that you were born of pure divinity?

A mystery to unfold…

In the June 12^th entry in my journal, the first thing I wrote was, “Life… what do I desire? What do I see for myself?”

I responded… “NO MORE holding onto people and things that no longer serve me!”

Then I wrote…

“Alicia, how has holding onto this served you? How has holding onto your past served you? How has holding onto illusions of people and relationships served you? How does this bring you forward? Alicia, what is the life you desire?”

Life is asking me, ALICIA, what it is that I WANT!

Response: I want to be open, completely exposed and UNLIMITED in every possible way.

What do I desire?

The constant KNOWING that I AM a writer and that I WAS BORN with this gift. I desire an unwavering knowledge that I AM HUGE in every way. And that no matter what experience shows up in my life I can be the largeness of who I am in everything that I do.

I AM WHOLE

I AM SAFE

I AM LOVE

I AM ABUNDANT

I AM LIMITLESS

This is the letter I wrote…my old story!

June 12, 2012

Rodney, as I begin to write… the words I AM PROSPEROUS pop up on my phone screen. Writing this story—the OLD story.

The old story is that someone can take something from me. The old story is that I am powerless. The old story is that all of the beatings beat the power out of me. The old story is that something is being withheld from me. The old story is that something can be stolen or taken from me. The old story is that all of this beautiful work I am doing to restore myself to who I am will be taken from me. The old story is that my spirit can be harmed.

I have been in hiding for so long believing that I am not safe. As I sit here, I am feeling frustrated because I know that that just isn’t the truth. But it's almost… no… not almost… it is what is keeping my GOOD from me. It is ME talking myself out of arriving to COMPLETE WHOLENESS.

All of which is the LIE. That old story is the LIE! The beatings were real because they were felt deeply. But the truth is… I can no longer be harmed. A) Because no one will ever put his or her hands on me like that again. And B) Because I AM WHOLE!

My thoughts just went to that baby waiting on the (1) train platform at 72^nd street getting beat by his mother and her saying to him, “I wish someone would say something to me!”

And I said nothing. I just stood there crying with my daughter. That mother has NO IDEA what she is taking from him… stripping him of his power… his innocence. Yelling to him, “Shut the F up!”

The old story is one that has beaten me. Attempted to beat the life out of me. I am tired of the old story. I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to hide the bruises anymore. I don’t want to put up any more walls trying to hide the truth. The truth is that the old story tried to break me.

UNTIL TODAY!

Today, I pull my hands away from my face. I stop guarding myself. I unblock my face and body in protection from the blows. Today, I will trust fully and completely that I am safe. I have been saved. The truth is that I begin to love ALICIA--- TODAY! I begin to LIVE today. I LOVE ALICIA TODAY. And I will live with and stand in the truth of who I am. Knowing that the power lives in me and it isn’t going anywhere. I AM THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND I WAS BORN TO INHERIT IT. I CHOOSE TO WATCH AS MY LIFE OVERFLOWS WITH LOVE, A PARTNER THAT I DESERVE AND WHO DESERVES ME AND A LIFE THAT IS FILLED WITH ABUNDANCE. PORQUE ME LO MEREZCO!

And so it is!

A writer’s process… it’s a matter of life or death!

Good morning day~ its Monday… The task of sitting with the page is not always easy.

I woke up today feeling weak. I don’t like this. I’m uncomfortable. I am trying to find a place that feels comfortable to write—a position that my body will like. VONA… the first few days of that experience is what is on my mind. I keep moving this journal from one side to the other I can’t get right. I am having a tough day so far. Nothing that I have been doing is working. I don’t feel inspired right now. I feel the muscles in my body wanting to tighten and resist. Doing anything and everything to not stay with the page.

But I must stay with it.

Writing is what I do and is so much of who I am. So as much as there is something inside of me that wants to keep me from writing today. I must write. I must not give up on me.

I have moved from the chair at the kitchen table to the sofa in the living room. I have propped this journal on pillows… moving it from the pillow to my lap. Still don’t feel that’s quite right. So I move to the floor and place the journal on the glass table, sit on the floor Indian style and begin to write… then I realized… shit my feet feel like they are being suffocated by these sandals.

STOP WRITING!

Remove sandals…

Right strap…

Left…

Back to Indian style… NOPE! That doesn’t work either. Shit! The vase on the table is in my way. Move vase. OK… sit on an angle… arms are exactly perfect now on the table. Pen to page… we begin!

The writer’s process can be grueling. All kinds of things will rise to test us… to see if we really want this… to see if we are REALLY writers. And I AM a writer!

So as I begin this day with the intention of having (3) pages written before I begin my day… I breathe a sigh of exhilaration… these three pages feel like I just ran ten miles…painful… a little brutal but I stayed with it and refuse to give up on me or this damn story that just might kill me. Yet I know that it IS the story that MUST be told!

Creator, thank you for this day and for helping me get these (3) pages done. Now the real writing begins!

Ache~

Stay with it!

Don’t give up!

Keep going!

There are people waiting for the greatness that is YOU!

Peace, light and LOVE~

Alicia

Follow me on twitter: @diosadominicana

VONA is an experience~

I am left with this sense of accomplishment... quite an achievement... its as if I just received a Ph.D from writers of color. What a huge honor!

Creator, Thank you for VONA!

Thank you to every single person that got me to VONA!

After traveling 20 hours… Oakland, LAX, Minneapolis then NYC… I finally arrived to New York in time to see my daughter off to college and had the nerve to begin my 12-week writing workshop that I facilitate at Hunter College yesterday… this is how serious I am about this writing thang!

Thank you to every person who prayed that I would get to VONA and who knew that I would get there! Thank you to every family member who has supported and loved me. I am so grateful for the family I gained while at VONA. Grateful for the incredible connections and profound learning that went down.

My instructor Maaza Mengiste, author of, Beneath the Lion’sGaze. Thank you for teaching me the importance of “story”—the importance of their story. Maaza you taught me to not get lost in the history and research. That its “all about character.” I was obsessed with making sure that the history was on point and perfect. You gave me permission to let all of that go and allow the characters to lead me on their journey. “Let the character tell me what I need to know”  and that, “it’s the story that matters!!!” from the depths of me I thank you Maaza. I will hear your tender and loving voice every time I spend time with these characters. I love you and am grateful for you. (Get the book she is an amazing writer).

I am grateful for every woman I spent the week writing with: Emily, Jean, Lydia, Burnita, Negin, Tara, Nakia, Danielle, Queen Esther and Alicia U. thank you for taking the time to read my manuscript and for providing me with feedback that I know will carry me though to the end of writing this novel. Thank you so much… I love you.

And real talk… thank you to my investors… you are my investors and dream makers… my personal angels who supported me in getting to VONA. YOU not only believe in me but you believe in this story. Thank you for playing such a huge role in getting me to VONA and having this experience. I want you to know that not only did I get your money’s worth I finished it. I gave every ounce of me. This experience is beyond words. I will continue to work at this level for the rest of my life. Thank you Andreina, Nivea, Eneida, Rock, Josie, Yoseli, Griselda, Maria, Peggy, Mia, Adolmary and Vanessa (if I have left anyone off... THANK YOU!) My kickstarter backers, my indiegogo supporters... you truly have my heart <3

I am so grateful for everyone’s love and generosity. I WILL FINISH THIS! And we will celebrate at the book release.

I just wanted to say thank you… thank you Diem and the entire VONA Faculty and Staff. Thank YOU! Today I was a little more firmly and with a tremendous amount of direction.

VONA Class of 2012… WORD! Mama graduated! 

Maferefun Oggun~ padre tu hija lo logro~

Ache!

Peace, light and LOVE

Always Alicia

VONA JOURNAL ENTRY

June 28th

VONA 2012 ... so I have been on the west coast at Berkeley for over a week now and have been really silent on facebook, twitter and every other medium of communication... not even texting.. Today what is rising for me? What am I feeling? Overwhelmed... with excitement and joy. I am surrounded by over 100 writers of color, published writers, non-published writers, poets, fiction writers, nonfiction writers, memoir writers, Black writers, Latina writers, Asian, Middle Eastern and West Indian writers... and its powerful. This shit is real... this right here is work. THIS IS EVERYTHING!!! Surrounded by writers with such incredibly different stories and experiences yet important stories to tell. I am so grateful for VONA! As I move into THIS day I realize the power in THIS moment... today my manuscript is getting workshopped and critiqued... today we will be looking at the characters and story of the Daughters of the Revolution. I am so present. I am so ready!!! Maferefun Oggun!