You can’t always get what you WANT~

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

What a wonderful way to start 2010...

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written a blog. With all my traveling throughout Latin America for the documentary I haven’t had a moment to share the experiences of my travel or the ups and downs of life on the road. I haven’t posted what I’ve learned or discovered during these trips... what I’ve learned about myself... and no worries... those blogs are coming... I will be posting quite a bit this week... particularly the rest of The Artist Way discoveries... I finished that process in Cuba and it felt wonderful...

This song has been my theme for today... You can’t always get what you want... YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0jyKabLHVc




And lately I’ve been getting EXACTLY WHAT I NEED...

I guess I’ll start with how I started 2010... Jan. 11th I received a letter that completely deflated me... all the good work I’ve given to the world... I felt LIKE NOTHING... I was empty... HOPELESS... so I did what I always do... I went back to the thing that pulls me out of DARKNESS... the thing that gets me out of self-defeating experiences and thoughts... and I began to get ready.

I turned to my meditation CD’s... Dr. Wayne Dyer (The Power of Intention) I must say the first few days... just hearing his voice got on my nerves... so much positivity in the midst of my turmoil... I felt like it wasn’t working.

The negative feelings began to affect me physically for a week I couldn’t move... I didn’t get out of bed because I couldn’t move my neck and it hurt to stand. I continued to listen to these powerful messages in hopes that he would say the thing that would get me out of it.

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Lately, I had been getting these emails from Tanya Morrison, Founder of 360º Degree Woman, Inc. http://360degreewoman.blogspot.com/

She moderates a FREE Monday night conference call and is a life coach and motivational speaker.

On that very same day that I received the unwelcomed piece of mail (Jan. 11th) I NOTICED something when I read through my notes... both Dyer and Morrison asked me the same question...

Are you living at a HIGHER LEVEL?
How are you living?
Are you living an average life?
Are you living a moderate life?
Are you living a mediocre life?
Are you living a life of excellence?
Are you walking in your GREATNESS?

Am I walking in my GREATNESS?

WOW... my immediate response to my crappy situation was NO I AM NOT!

And my next question was - - ok now that I KNOW THAT I AM LIVING BELOW AVERAGE... thanks for the info...

How do I get to that place of EXCELLENCE??? Because this CRAPPY place, was not where I wanted to reside....

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

I needed to get it together quick...

I was going to have (15) writers in my home in a few days... and my neck was killing me... it was TENSION... STRESS... FEAR... but because I AM a leader... and heading this group of women... women who look to ME for guidance... AND ME desperately needing some guidance of my own... I wanted to tell them don’t come... MY LIFE IS CRAP... I FEEL LIKE CRAP... I FEEL LIKE NOTHING... and I have NOTHING to offer. Your best bet is to not be around me.

But that’s NOT WHAT I DID...

So the NYC Latina Writers Group (NYCLWG: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=info&ref=ts&gid=81895133392) held our first meeting (Saturday, Jan. 16th) in my home and we spent an entire day dedicated to creating our WRITING VISION for 2010.

(Side note: NYCLWG members... I will post separately the writing prompts and exercises we worked on so you can do it at home.)

We basically shared our dreams and goals and visions for the year. We chose (3) main goals and offered each other support, suggestions and recommendations on how to ACHIEVE THEM... this was my list:

ALICIA’s WRITING VISION 2010

1. Isabel Allende a love letter - - send her a card monthly on the DOTR. I INTEND to get her to write the foreword...
2. COMPLETE The Daughters of the Revolution (DOTR)***
3. Write monologue
4. Make money on my writing***
5. Write articles
6. Post TAW – The Artist Way assignments on blogs
7. Sell the DOTR – early 2010$$$ ***
8. AfroLatinos - - finish writing scripts first (3) before June***
9. AfroLatinos – gets sold
10. Writing and acting classes
11. Get someone to direct my monologue
12. Write NYCLWG anthology – group effort
13. Vona – writers workshop
14. Writers fellowships/residencies
15. Apply for grants
16. Speaking engagements
17. Book with Sear – AfroLatinos
18. Book proposal
19. KH – to write book blurb
20. JD – to write book blurb
21. AR – to write book blurb

**PUBLISH** PUBLISH**PUBLISH** PUBLISH**PUBLISH** PUBLISH

To the all my writers... and friends... post your VISION in the comments... lets share and support one another in getting there... Let go of the fear that SOMEONE will steal your idea...no idea is ORIGINAL.

So needless to say... it was a beautiful day full of sharing and clear direction on what steps we could each take to realize our VISION.

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need


The very next day, Sunday, January 17th Ellie aka BlooWriter and I attended an all day retreat offered by: DeAlmas Women's Collective (Visit www.Dealmas.org/Retreats)

This retreat was called VISIONES 2010, and the day was dedicated to DISCOVERING YOUR PERSONAL CALLING!

It was a beautiful day dedicated to BEING woman... a sacred space of empowerment and support for the women who attended with the aim of moving towards living a purpose-filled life. The description of what the day promised did not do it justice:

“Through visioning, ritual, reflective exercises, journaling, group sharing and celebratory manifestation work, we leave Visiones uplifted, motivated and ready to SHINE OUR FEMININE E-MOTION (energy in motion) for personal, community and global transformation.”


You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need


The day was beautiful... there was so much self discovery... and healing work... LOVE WORK... self LOVE... the BREAKTHROUGH for me was in a journal exercise where I blamed a person in my life for TAKING my spirit. I really believed that they had taken it.

In a later exercise... I wrote:

SPIRIT HAS ABANDONED ME...

And as soon as I wrote that—my hand kept moving and the following came out:

I RELEASE THE IDEA THAT SPIRIT HAS ABANDONED ME... SPIRIT LOVES ME... AND I INTEND TO RECONNECT WITH SPIRIT... TO HONOR MY SPIRIT... TO LOVE MY SPIRIT... Spirit, I have missed you... please forgive me for not dedicating the care to all you need. To NOT feeding you...

In a separate blog I will talk more about my personal experience but what I did want to share was my testimonial and love letter of gratitude for the experience:

Dear xxxx,

You are LOVE!

I am grateful that I met you... Grateful you were born...Grateful you were brought into my life...

You ARRIVED to my life at the precise moment when I needed my heart massaged. Your SPIRIT hugged my spirit and now I can breathe again... I feel like a part of me is REVIVED.... I am alive again.

THANK YOU

The moment my hands touched my chest-I felt RENEWED...

As if SPIRIT had returned to me... Yet it wasn't that at all...

Spirit has been waiting for me all along to touch her, to acknowledge her, to LOVE her, to feed her... She has been soooo hungry. Desperately trying to shake me awake and say; "Where are you going ALICIA? Why are you looking outside when I'm RIGHT HERE... Inside.... Just sitting around waiting for you to come have some tea with me and begin our LOVE WORK again...

I am eternally indebted to you. And not because I owe you - - but because I want to serve you.... In gratitude... In love and in partnership.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

With LOVE,
Alicia

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

This morning I received a response to my email:

“Querida: I am so moved by your words... my heart has received them fully. You don't know how much I needed to hear the worth of the work that comes through me. Thank you for your timely expression of love and gratitude.

I am so happy for you! I am so joyful that your experience at Visiones brought you back to your Spirit Self ~ to your heart and you! Goddess, don't we often forget who we truly are and that we are never alone! I know I do. How simple to come back to ourselves when we have awareness.

With a loving heart and warm hug,”
xxxx


OH... THIS STORY DOESN’T END HERE PEOPLE...


You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need


I have been getting ready... taking care of me... I am back doing my spiritual practice... and I FEEL GOOD!

Last night, I was feeling incredibly strong, I felt amazing... I AM OPEN... receptive... all LOVE... the universe is working in my favor... I am walking in my GREATNESS... and spreading and sharing that goodness with everyone around me. I am LIVING at a higher LEVEL.

I was at Columbia University last night doing some writing with my daughter and at around 8pm I was kind of tired. EXHAUSTED... I had been there since 11am. I just sat there looking at my daughter... I was pretending to be working... when I looked at my phone and realized it was 8:30pm. My appointment reminder on my phone was reminding me about the 8pm conference call... 360º Degree Woman – Monday night call was happening and that there was only about 15 minutes left. So I got on the call...

In the building where we were... there is no cell phone reception so I needed to walk to the entrance to hear the call.

So I'm standing at the door... listening... taking the positive messages in. When this woman and a group of people were leaving and walking right by me.

This woman was TALL... An older woman... With long white hair... Thin... Stunning... beautiful smile... smiling at me... SHE stops dead in front of me...

She says to me: “Tell me you’re a teacher?”

I said NO! I'm not a teacher. I’m a writer.

Then I said... Sorry I can't chat at the moment... I'm listening to a call...

She said: “No worries!”

She stood there for a few more moments looking for something... and then hands me her business card and leaves.

I continued to stand there listening to my call and skimming the woman’s card briefly... not really seeing everything... there was so much on the card... it had like every website and org she's involved in.

So I get home call Lulu to tell her that I MET A WOMAN... talking about this beautiful woman who stopped me...

So I wrote the WOMAN an email:

Hi xxxx,

We met briefly this evening as you were leaving. My name is Alicia Anabel Santos.

Pleasure to meet you.

I'm curious about what made you stop and why you thought I was a professor.

Wonderful meeting you.

Alicia Anabel
www.afrolatinos.tv
www.creadorpictures.tv


You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

This morning after my meditation... I received a response from that WOMAN:


See! I knew that you are a Teacher!

Thank you so very much for not being freaked out at this crazy old lady! As I was rushing out to catch up with my friends, I had to stop to admire the presence of a magnificent woman. You have the appearance of grace and strength and wisdom, and my question was more of a projection on my part that....yes, yes, yes, you must teach! Your response sounded a bit modest, as though you are ONLY a writer; it further delighted me, because of course, your own unique observations and the visions generated from your fingers are vastly more influential than the task of inspiring successive classrooms of students. The referral to your websites was the clincher. Sending Humanist Hugs, appreciating your good works, BKL.


You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

I immediately responded to this INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL and TOUCHING email:


I guess on some level I AM a teacher. A humble teacher, student and servant.

Your words have touched me in ways you will never truly know. And I wasn't freaked out-- for your LIGHT comforted me--so I wasn't scared at all.

We almost didn't even meet because when you saw me I was debating heading home and decided to stand in place and listen in on this wonderful call about women and achieving greatness.

And then....

You walked by me and stopped. Most certainly projecting your own greatness, grace, WISDOM, love and light. And I was touched by that very brief encounter. That I returned home and spoke of you immediately.

Then I really had a look at your last name. And READ that it was xxxx -- I was shook... My best friend who I don't get to see or speak to very often shares your last name -- Lalita xxxx and I smiled remembering that nothing happens by coincidence and that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We were supposed to meet...

And I'm grateful we did. I have so many questions.... Like Humanist Weddings???

I would love to spend time with you. Please let me know when we can have lunch or tea.

With love,
Alicia

PS. I write a blog called Finding Your Force www.findingyourforce.blogspot.com where I share personal things about my life, my process, my writing practice (obstacles/achievements) with your permission I wanted to write about our encounter and share your words in my blog because meeting you was a confirmation that God shows up in many forms.

I JUST HAD TO SIT WITH THAT MOMENT... for A LONG WHILE...


You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

So grateful... for getting exactly what I NEED~

I have spent the day truly taking ALL of EVERYTHING beautiful that I have been receiving. And decided that this blog is about SERENDIPITY and SYNCRONICITY...

SERENDIPITY defined: as making fortunate discoveries by accident

SYNCRONICITY defined: the experience of (2) or more events that are unrelated - - occurring together in a MEANINGFUL MANNER.

I wanted another definition... so I went to Julia Cameron’s, The Artist Way for her definition for SYNCRONICITY:

“These relationships can manifest themselves as simultaneous occurrences that are meaningfully related.”

Carl Jung calls it: MEANINGFUL COINCEDENCE

I don’t believe in coincidences...

“A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a PREPARED mind.”
–Albert Szent-Gyorgy

Julia writes: “...we discount answered prayers? We call it coincidence. We call it luck. We call it anything but what it is—the hand of God, or Good, activated by OUR OWN hand when we act on behalf of OUR TRUEST dreams when we commit to our OWN SOUL.”

So this blog post is just a SMALL example... of the series of events that are revealed that confirm that we are on our path. MEANINGFUL COICENDENCE... MEANINGFULLY RELATED... MEANINGFUL MANNER...

For me... these are MEANINGFUL MOMENTS~

I want to end with this... Julia also talks about...

“Creativity as a TRIBAL EXPERIENCE and that TRIBAL ELDERS will initiate the gifted youngsters who cross their path.”


Right now I am going through an INITIATION and humbly welcome it~

And so it is~

TAW: Week THREE – Assignment 1~ Back to my childhood~

Completed: September 9, 2009

In this task I am asked to describe my childhood room~

What WAS my favorite thing about it?

What IS my favorite thing about my room TODAY?

The first thing that came to mind was: I live on the INSIDE now! I NO LONGER wish to escape – to run away. These days I am running TOWARDS something better / SAFER~
Describing my child hood room brings back so many memories… bunk beds with my brother… the many times I was punished… family gatherings every weekend~

… I was born in Bushwick, a Brooklyn girl… raised in Queens NY – Woodhaven Court / ozone park, 95-01 was the street address. I would walk up the stoop enter the front door turn left and enter the house. When you enter the first room you’re in the living room –three large windows on the left.

The couch was underneath the window – directly in front of you was dads amazing stereo system and his many LP’s… directly in front of the sofa was the TV – to the right of the TV was a doorway with NO door that lead right into our bedroom – me, Fabio, and Josie shared the room (Fabiana wasn’t born quite yet…)

My room I can’t remember the color of the walls - -I want to say they were brown paneling – you walk through that door way and to the left was my parents bedroom to the right was the stairway… leading downstairs (my parents wall was made out of this thin plastic – we could hear our parents talking at night and giggling and quite possible working on creating sibling #4). Our bedroom was the small space between our parents room and the stairs…

In my bedroom there was a huge window… I used to love staring outside that window – it over looked the back yard, which was a driveway, and about a block up there was a bridge—an overpass for where I could see Woodhaven Boulevard.

All of our houses in the neighborhood were brick… and connected – so it was one long driveway for the entire block… my favorite part of the room was that WINDOW and the back of my bureau which I used to tag… “Lady Love” was my name. I spent many moments just staring outside of that window – daydreaming – wishing my life was different – wanting to escape – counting the cars that would pass over that ramp. Wanting to be in one of those cars driving AWAY. That room was also the space where my first boyfriend and I fooled around… but unfortunately, the only good thing I can remember about that room was wanting to LEAVE~

My favorite thing about my room about NOW… today, 2009 – has got to be my bed which serves as a couch / my bedroom. Its in the living room – its also the dining room – my office and spiritual space… where I do yoga… where I held the first meeting of the NYC Latina Writers Group… where many women have gathered to celebrate the beauty found in their words… its my shared space with my daughter Courtney---- our sanctuary… so many great movies and conversations had in that space… its where I fell in love with me. It’s the first place I can call HOME~ I have felt so much warmth and love in that space… my sanctuary… its safe… it’s welcoming… I’ve created so much here… so much of who I have become has been formed in that space… its now about me living on the INSIDE now - - no longer wanting be on the outside of that window… I feel whole~

And so it is~

PS. The last thing I wrote… I feel whole… a part of me feels really broken… a part of me misses the SECURITY I felt in my space. A part of me is still traveling around the world and looks forward to being at HOME with me.

TAW: Week THREE – recovering a Sense of POWER~

This week is about recovering a Sense of POWER~ It’s about dealing with anger… taking our ideas seriously and treating ourselves WELL~ this chapter in THE ARTIST WAY (TAW) is very challenging… a lot of work… and somewhat painful~

“Anger is the firestorm that signals the DEATH of our OLD life…anger is the fuel that propels us into our new ONE” The Artist Way…

In this chapter we learn about synchronicity, “we call it anything but what it is… the hand of God, or good, activated by our own hand when we act in behalf of our truest dreams, when we commit to our own soul…”

Synchronicity is what happens when we ANSWER our call… its what happens when things seem to just fall into place. We start moving towards that thing we want and doors just open… unexplainable, beautiful things start happening. “We like to pretend its is hard to follow our hearts dreams. The truth is, it is difficult to avoid walking through the many doors that will open~” TAW

It’s that thing we DISCOVER… that thing that just comes to us.
“A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a PREPARED mind” albert szent-gyorgyi

“Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be fish” OVID

I loved reading about what our responsibilities are as CREATIVE beings… that we must “remember that creativity is a tribal experience and that tribal leaders will initiate the gifted youngsters who cross their path.” This is the effect we have on the world~

About commitment Julia Cameron says:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (or creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.”

But once we are THERE… once we are READY to move forward:

“All sorts of things occur to help one that would otherwise never have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in ones favor all manner of incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man would have believed would have come his way.”

“Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities” William bridges

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.

She writes about the internal battles:

Battling shame. How dare you… tackle that subject… “How dare you open the bedroom door… how dare you down in the cellar, up in the attic, into some dark place where we hide those things we don’t want you to know?” these are those subjects we don’t dare talk about – those things that are taboo to our families and significant others… HOW DARE WE hold up a mirror, call people on their shit, speak our truth… CREATE the world as we see it?

Why we MUST CREATE: this is WHY I MUST CREATE!

“The act of making art EXPOSES a society to itself. Art brings things to light. It illuminates us. It sheds light on our lingering darkness… it casts a beam into the heart of our own darkness and says… SEE~” The Artist Way

“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open~” Shakti Gawain

She ends the chapter talking about how some artists feel shame at admitting their dreams… how we must PROTECT ourselves and our DREAMS~ Urging us to go into our childhood shames… getting them on the page… teaching ourselves who to release doubt~ I would add GUILT~

“The words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels” Hazrat Inayat Khan

We also learn about dealing with the external and internal critics… she offers some wonderful exercises.

“Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame” Erica Jong

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is ONLY ONE of YOU in ALL time, this expression is unique. And if you BLOCK it, it will NEVER exist through any other medium and will be LOST~” Martha Graham

“Creativity is~ SEEING something that doesn’t exist already. You need to find out HOW you can bring it into BEING and that way be a playmate with god~” Michele Shea.

And so it is...

TAW: Week Two – Assignment 5

Completed: Thursday, September 3,2009

Five more imaginary lives...

1. Direct of the AFROLATINOS Foundation
2. Singer
3. Talk show host
4. Painter
5. Life as a man

As the director of the AFROLATINOS foundation... I imagine myself in charge of ensuring that monies and donations actually get to the hands of the people who TRULY need it. All aspects of the organization would be monitored by me... personally... NO more government official INVOLVEMENT… those who STEAL the aid that is being provided. It would be a private institution.

My life as a singer... not sure what that would look like... but it is something that I dreamt of as a child... imagining myself singing now... I would probably not be famous or well known... but would be one of those singers who perform with family members… in very small venues… private parties... local bars... like Tato Torres and Yerbabuena... singing for the love of it... singing because we must answer our call... singing because it’s the closest to GOD we get…

Talk show host... like Oprah... the Latin Oprah... I feel like people take on roles... start shows and then for ratings they end up selling out and talking about shit... some shows BECOME about nothing significant... all about gossip... I really dislike gossip... it doesn’t interest me... say what you want about Oprah... but for me... when I was coming up I saw her as a role model for women... helping women... and that’s what I would want in a show to speak on subjects that mean something to women... that serve women. I could care less about famous peoples private lives...

Painter... I would dedicate my life to painting women... all the aspects of a woman... there beauty... their strength... the darkness, the wounds, the pain, the joy… the ESSENCE of women…

If I were a MAN... I wonder what being a man must feel like... the ability to shake things off... the ability to not be AS emotional as a women... to let go of things quickly... the automatic respect that comes from people when it is a man they are dealing with... unless you are a black or a Latin man coming up in America in the 60s... then that experience might be somewhat different. What would it be like to be a man? I would be curious…

And so it is...