The Process – WEEK 1 in review~

Practicing The Artist Way – there are two things that are important during this process-doing the morning pages and going on the artist date… this week I have not missed a day of writing my morning pages… I must be honest there were a FEW days where I DID NOT do my morning writing the moment I opened my eyes—but I did write three pages every morning whether it be standing on the transmilenio (Bogota transportation) or our apartment after… ya tu sabe... Priorities people… contact over the pen wins EVERY TIME~ my artist date was watching interviews from Inside the Actors Studio. I love that show… I was able to hear from women I admire… there is always something said that leave a mark on my soul~

As for goals met on my other projects – Afrolatinos is going wonderful my main focus for this month in Bogota is having a working script for our first segment… HISTORY… I have never written a documentary script so I am learning as I DO IT~ I spent this week organizing a tight outline for the history segment and this week Renz (my biz partner) and we start editing this week. It’s going to be an amazing ride through time~

DOTR… the daughters… I am MORE inspired and excited about writing this novel and about the direction I am headed in—I am more motivated than I ever have before. I have a manuscript of about 160 pages (notes, ideas, and scenes) that I am currently re-reading and chopping…removing things that are NO longer relevant. Its interesting to see how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown – I started writing the DOTR in 2006 and my experiences up until now are going to make this story so much stronger… I can’t wait to start sharing sections from the novel~ For this I am so grateful… and so it is~

Enjoy your weekend… many blessings~

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 4: Five Lives

In this assignment I was asked to write about FIVE imaginary lives I could see myself living~

I imagine the life of a FAIRY is full of play time… it would be wonderful to just be flying around… carefree… playful… childlike… I could fly… fly… fly… across the universe… I’d be free… not a care in the world… and I would have my crew of fairies… nia, lulu, bloo, luz, v, fiercefem, kira, kellydee, moca, j.f.s, lia and we would rule the world~

As JESUS CHRIST I would NOT have you do 20 Hail Mary’s and 69 Our Fathers… I would NOT have you searching the bible for answers to the burning questions of life… EVERYONE wants to be healed… long lines outside my door around the corner in Harlem… YES cause that’s where Jesus lives… near the Apollo. People who come to me for the QUICK FIX, the fast answer… I wouldn’t JUST GIVE IT AWAY… I would show you the way… I would show you how to heal yourself… because after all I am Jesus not GOD… we gotta stop depending on others to FIX US… to CURE US… TO HEAL OUR AILMENTS… to make it ALL BETTER. We must learn to look inside and do it for ourselves and once we’ve master how to heal OURSELVES teach and help others to do the same.

PRESIDENT DIOSA DOMINICANA of the Dominican Republic… that’s what I’d like to be called: Madam DIOSA… I only hope that in that role I would resist being power HUNGRY… to not take it so seriously… to not impose OUR laws on the rest of the world… to not enter other nations and rape them of their resources… to TRULY be about DEMOCRACY… whatever that means… to TRULY be about FREEDOM… whatever that means… to HELP more and KILL less. To bring and END to WAR and foster peace… more son cubano, bomba y plena and merengue tipico at our political meetings… to worry more about what is happening in our own backyard than stealing the resources from places that do not belong to us. I would TAX the rich and give it to the poor… I would be forced to answer the question—IS THERE REALLY ENOUGH JOBS for every person unemployed… in my role as president. I will not make empty promises… when sh*& is BAD I will let you know… I would hold fewer meetings and take more action… I’d be more of a grassroots... in your face … on the front line kinda president… you’ll find me wearing jeans and tank top my trademark… NO SECRET SERVICE necessary. My aim would be to do good work and not hide behind the gates of the Palacio Nacional… I’d get my hands dirty… and I’d FIRE mad people… there would be more people unemployed in government positions all over the country…

I am imagining myself as a YOUNG CHILD… of age two or three… when the world around me looks like an adventure… where I want to touch and taste everything… I have so many questions… everything is NEW… where NO is my favorite word… where my innocence is protected – where I am never reprimanded because everything that I do as a little girl is apart of MY GREAT EXPLORATION. I would play all day and sleep all night. As a young child I am FEARLESS – unconcerned about what others think… NO SELF DOUBT, NO INSECURITIES, GUILT FREE, NOTHING EMBARRASSES ME, NO FEAR, NO ANGER, NO RESENTMENT, NO JEALOUSY, NO ENVY, NO HATE… these emotions do not reside in the child in me… because I haven’t been TOUCHED yet… tainted… influenced… programmed… I haven’t learned these things yet. Here is where I’d like to reside… where my fantasies, dreams and imagination are nourished and never LEAVE ME ☺ that would make me happy~

Alicia the BRUJA… having mystical powers on ONE level seems omniscient… makes me feel strong – on another level it would come with great responsibility… to use my powers for good… I’d have a most powerful ability… to see things… to prevent things from happening… I could make things happen…a power I wouldn’t take lightly… I would have to remain in control at all times… because I might get trigger happy and get rid of people that get on my nerves and do so without hesitation~

And so it is~

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 3: She Bleeds~

In this task I was asked to write about a HORROR STORY from my hall of fame.

This horror story would have to be about my most recent fight with HIM…because I didn’t act quickly enough with his request. I didn’t respond as fast as he would have wanted. He lost his mind – he started spewing venom I was completely floored and devastated… I was in shock… I am not even sure where the rage came from. But that didn’t stop him from calling me a F’g B!%@$... He told me to go F*&$ myself – “you ain't S***! YOU C*%&! You’re nothing but a lesbian!”

In my mind I was like DAMN YO! Actually that’s bullshit. In my head I was like F*** HIM… well it was ON~

I went off~ Trying to defend my honor and I flipped the F*$& OUT~ One of the negative triggers for me is being told “YOU AIN’T SH*&… YOU’RE a PIECE of Sh*&…” its this feeling of not believing I am WORTHY of being RESPECTED… feeling that I am nothing~

RESPECT is a big thing for me… I have always held RESECT as my most significant value… one of the things that has impacted me the most has been of not being respected – BY MEN. I’ve always had to fight that… I have always had to FIGHT FOR IT~ in my mind it’s quite simple – IF I RESPECT YOU… RESPECT ME~

So… because my visit with my family was so nice – I decided to SUBMIT~ I got quiet… I tried to let the words go… I truly thought I was going to escape this visit without a fight or argument. I believed there would be NO nasty words shot my way… yet the words kept coming “Lazy B*&^%! You ain't sh*&! F*&^ you! You’re nobody! You’re writing sucks! You’re full of sh*&!”

I almost wished I had recorded ALL he was saying to me… WOW how those words hurt. But recording them would’ve been like self-mutilation – repeating the words to myself over and over and over again…

I am left in this room… where I’m sitting—it’s a bathroom. I am ALONE with the words. I am looking at myself in the mirror – my hair is down I am staring in my eyes – eyes that are swollen – red tears gushing out.

I take a blade and cut my arm…

Starting at my elbow – cutting, cutting, cutting until I get to my wrist…

I move to the floor because I am about to pass out from seeing all this blood - - and then I blink back the tears and say – ENOUGH – that will do!

I have bled out all of the self-hate – all of the ugly words – all the negative hurtful things said to me and about me. There is an urgency… to GET IT ALL OUT~ All the poison is now gone and one by one the marks on my arm begin to heal – with new words…

Alicia is love – peace – fierce – fearless – a force – a powerhouse – a diva – a filmmaker – a wonderful mother – a brilliant writer – I am good – I am God – all that is good resides in me – I can release the bad – it is not the truth – it has never been the truth about me – I am at peace – I am ready for all the good that is coming and I know, trust and believe that I am worthy.

And so it is~

Many blessings~ Peace~ and LOVE~

Note: I did not, nor have I ever CUT myself… but I think sometimes we use words that CUT… that hurt others… sometimes we use words to CUT ourselves… to CUT ourselves or others down… we certainly should be mindful of our words… words DESTROY but they also BUILD~ Walk in PEACE and SPEAK in LOVE~

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 2:

I was asked to write about my Hall of Champions - - 3 old champions of my creative self-worth… Who have been the people to wish my creativity well? Who are the people who wish my LIFE well?

I CHOOSE FOUR~

My four champions are a combination of new and old… and they just so happen to ALL BE womyn. I am surrounded by the most incredibly powerful womyn… they are ALL warriors… my writers circle, my facebook and myspace families aren’t excluded… but THESE FOUR—they would have my back in a bar fight… if I was on the street homeless—I know that I would have a bed in their homes…ALL of them support me and love me… they encourage me… push me and tell me the TRUTH about ME. They check me on my shit~ and hold me accountable~

VANESSA is in my ear… over my shoulder… like a lieutenant… she doesn’t wanna hear it! She DOES NOT allow me to use words to beat myself up. There have been several occasions where I have uttered words like: “I don’t think I can! I don’t believe I am gifted! I don’t think I’m ready!” and she will jump in to remind me of ALL I have done to get HERE… reminding me of EVERYTHING I have accomplished and still have yet to accomplish. Letting me know exactly who it is that I AM! I love her for telling me; “You ready! You got this! You a FORCE kid! I got you…” I can hear her singing now; “if you don’t worry ‘bout where I been or who I saw or, what club I went to with my homies baby don’t worry, u know that u got me!” She GOT ME… there is no doubt in my mind… my kindred spirit… and I must admit…that’s a comforting thought – because HER WARRIOR SPIRIT… feeds me, pushes me and encourages me to WRITE beyond my limits and past my pain~

And we got ELY… she is the female NAPOLEAN… small in height but a giant in her shoes. She is fearless and fierce. Her words move me to laughter—hysterical laughter. We can be talking about the most SERIOUS of subjects, latest topics for discussion or insane situations and she will flip it into a joke that will kill me… she has a way of seeing the world unlike anyone I know… a fresh, real and HONEST perspective… sometimes BRUTALLY HONESTY… some of her TRUTH will sting you. With her I learn not to take life so seriously – not to take myself so seriously and when I am lost in my own world—in my spirit… she slaps me back into reality… reminding me of the TRUTH… “Will my writing love me back?” the importance of time with family - - that THEY are what really matters. Kicking me in the ass with words like “I told you! Don’t trust everybody…” she teaches and reminds me that inspiration is everywhere just open my eyes – stay there~

Awwww and then we have EMMA who tells me; “You cant give it all away… don’t be so trusting!” she worries more about me than my mom. She tells me how proud she is of me and how much I’ve DONE to be proud of. Her words lift me and build me. She has been a believer in me in all the moments where I didn’t believe and for that I love her. I have some very protective womyn in my life - - borderline possessive. They are my eyes when I can’t see.

But COURTNEY… there is NO ONE liker her… she is my #1 champion in my hall of fame! Her words are ALL I NEED~ I believe everything she says about me. She’s honest with me.. Pushes me.. Loves me unconditionally… she protects the child in me… there are moments when she is the MOM… she is why my creativity is ALIVE… why I AM alive… why I was BORN… she is ALL THAT I AM… she is the reason I WRITE… she believed in me when I didn’t know HOW TO… she’s MY ACE… my best friend, my confidant, my muse, my inspiration, my role model… my safe place to land~

I am so grateful for all THE WOMYN in my life… they give me strength…

And so it is~

There are soooo many womyn who are my champions… you know who you are… and too ALL OF YOU—thank you! Peace~

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 1

I started THE ARTIST WAY on Aug. 17, 2009… I have been trying to complete this creative process since 2004. One of my best friends, sister and cousin Ely aka “Bloowriter” and I have attempted this process twice before and for some reason I just couldn’t get through it… something always seemed to stop me. There was something I RESISTED… The furthest I have gone in the Artist Way process is to Week 9… there are TWELVE weeks of assignments.

So Ely and I committed to starting the Artist Way again. And this time we WILL FINISH IT~

The Artist Way process consists of something called MORNING PAGES… the author asks us (her students) to write THREE pages every morning from a stream of consciousness. We are NOT to go back and read what we write… just WRITE… one of the examples she uses is that if we feel we have nothing to write… write that: “I have nothing to write…” until we fill the three pages… I won’t be sharing my morning pages—but I will share the assignments.

Week 1 – Assignment 1:

This week was about understanding what keeps us in the shadows… what has prevented me from creating~

“AUDACITY, not talent makes ONE person an artist and another a shadow artist…”

I was asked to list THREE enemies that have affected my creative SELF WORTH~

I will start with the most recent enemy—a fight I had with Tony. He said some pretty ugly and hurtful things. He assaulted me with words from my sexuality to my craft. So much hate and venom… that it made me cry. This coming from someone I love dearly – but has a history of spewing some pretty ugly things. It brought me back to moments when I felt like NOTHING-NO ONE! Telling me that my writing sucked and then WORSE was my believing THAT my writing actually DOES suck… believing that I sucked. He said that, “I was terrible – that I would never be anything – that I ain't shit – that I am a piece of shit.”

The next would be my ex Juan – he hasn’t gotten under my skin recently - - actually his words haven’t affected me at all in a LONG time – but the scars are still there. There still is some residue and pressure felt. One of the things I am left with is that HE never made me feel good. Around him I never believed I was smart – as intelligent as he is with his Ph.D. Feeling less THAN… this pattern of thought is what has KEPT me back. Why was I waiting for HIM to make me feel good?

Which brings me to my last enemy ME~ I am still so hung up on negative triggers and external WORDS. There have been more bad things I’ve believed about me than good things… What is the TRUTH? I am hurting myself. I am stopping my growth – I want to get back to the place where I am constantly BUILDING – where I believe in myself - - where I don’t stop BELIEVING – where I NEVER quit! I want to get back to AFFIRMING the TRUTH of my existence. Getting back on path to GREATNESS… this path that IS leading me to ALL great things. I want to be OPEN to this PROCESS and finally LET GO once and for all.

ALL THOSE WORDS that hurt me and have limited me. I want to replace every bad experience I have ever had with NEW BEAUTIFUL—FULL experiences and EXPRESSIONS of LOVE, PEACE and TRANQUILITY. I want to live a JOY filled life. I want happiness. I FEEL SOOO GOOD right now. I AM IN THIS MOMENT--extremely excited about what’s to come. I am FINDING myself. REINVENTING MYSELF… I am finding myself writing about attracting all the beautiful wishes for my life—calling it forth and drawing it towards me. I am PUSHING AWAY the hurtful, hateful things that have paralyzed me. I FEEL GOOD~ I AM HAPPY~

And so it is~

The Process~

So I decided to share my process… my writing process through my blogs. I am currently working on three things: my novel (The Daughters of the Revolution), the documentary (Afro-Latinos: The Untaught Story) and using the book (The Artist Way) as an aid to continue growing creatively.

Yesterday I started writing the script – more like the outline for the script for the first segment of the documentary—HISTORY~ during my meditation a word kept coming up… PROCRASTINATION… then other words followed… LIMITATION… HESITATION…

What is PROCRASTINATION really… but a way (AN EXCUSE) for us not to get DONE what is necessary!

Procrastination keeps us from achieving what we really want… it holds us back. When has procrastination served us? For me personally procrastination comes from many moments/occasions of receiving NEGATIVE feedback externally… that I would later internalize.

For me procrastination equaled FEAR~

Fear about…

What they will think?
What they will say?
Will they like me?
Am I smart enough?
Is it perfect?
Do I know enough about the subject?
Am I qualified?
Can I do this?

Once you IDENTIFY where all that QUESTIONING and SELF DOUBT comes from you are able to tear off the many layers of procrastination~

Once you understand why you procrastinate you are backed in a corner. Once you understand what’s really holding YOU back—there is really only ONE of TWO directions you can head in.

You are either going to FINISH IT… go for it… achieve what it is you were born to achieve… living your PERSONAL LEGEND…

OR

You can live the rest of your life… living in the past, paralyzed and regretting never having done it—kicking yourself for not going for it.

SO THIS IS AN INVITATION… away from procrastination towards what it FEELS like to get it done, to ACCOMPLISH something, to ACHIEVE your goals, to go after your DREAM, to BELIEVE in yourself, and to take a RISK.

I am personally inviting you to take my hand on this journey and FINISH something – no matter how big or small. I will share my daily process with YOU and I hope you will do the same~

Who’s with me~ this is a COMMITMENT if you accept YOU MUST GET IT DONE… no excuses.

PEACE~