Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Artist Way – Week 1/Assignment 3: She Bleeds~

In this task I was asked to write about a HORROR STORY from my hall of fame.

This horror story would have to be about my most recent fight with HIM…because I didn’t act quickly enough with his request. I didn’t respond as fast as he would have wanted. He lost his mind – he started spewing venom I was completely floored and devastated… I was in shock… I am not even sure where the rage came from. But that didn’t stop him from calling me a F’g B!%@$... He told me to go F*&$ myself – “you ain't S***! YOU C*%&! You’re nothing but a lesbian!”

In my mind I was like DAMN YO! Actually that’s bullshit. In my head I was like F*** HIM… well it was ON~

I went off~ Trying to defend my honor and I flipped the F*$& OUT~ One of the negative triggers for me is being told “YOU AIN’T SH*&… YOU’RE a PIECE of Sh*&…” its this feeling of not believing I am WORTHY of being RESPECTED… feeling that I am nothing~

RESPECT is a big thing for me… I have always held RESECT as my most significant value… one of the things that has impacted me the most has been of not being respected – BY MEN. I’ve always had to fight that… I have always had to FIGHT FOR IT~ in my mind it’s quite simple – IF I RESPECT YOU… RESPECT ME~

So… because my visit with my family was so nice – I decided to SUBMIT~ I got quiet… I tried to let the words go… I truly thought I was going to escape this visit without a fight or argument. I believed there would be NO nasty words shot my way… yet the words kept coming “Lazy B*&^%! You ain't sh*&! F*&^ you! You’re nobody! You’re writing sucks! You’re full of sh*&!”

I almost wished I had recorded ALL he was saying to me… WOW how those words hurt. But recording them would’ve been like self-mutilation – repeating the words to myself over and over and over again…

I am left in this room… where I’m sitting—it’s a bathroom. I am ALONE with the words. I am looking at myself in the mirror – my hair is down I am staring in my eyes – eyes that are swollen – red tears gushing out.

I take a blade and cut my arm…

Starting at my elbow – cutting, cutting, cutting until I get to my wrist…

I move to the floor because I am about to pass out from seeing all this blood - - and then I blink back the tears and say – ENOUGH – that will do!

I have bled out all of the self-hate – all of the ugly words – all the negative hurtful things said to me and about me. There is an urgency… to GET IT ALL OUT~ All the poison is now gone and one by one the marks on my arm begin to heal – with new words…

Alicia is love – peace – fierce – fearless – a force – a powerhouse – a diva – a filmmaker – a wonderful mother – a brilliant writer – I am good – I am God – all that is good resides in me – I can release the bad – it is not the truth – it has never been the truth about me – I am at peace – I am ready for all the good that is coming and I know, trust and believe that I am worthy.

And so it is~

Many blessings~ Peace~ and LOVE~

Note: I did not, nor have I ever CUT myself… but I think sometimes we use words that CUT… that hurt others… sometimes we use words to CUT ourselves… to CUT ourselves or others down… we certainly should be mindful of our words… words DESTROY but they also BUILD~ Walk in PEACE and SPEAK in LOVE~

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