She felt insignificant~
She felt unimportant in the world~
She felt unloved~
She felt unworthy~
She felt incredibly disappointed~ disappointed in others but mostly disappointed in herself~
No one would ever know that when she dropped her daughter off at the bus terminal she stood on the platform on 42nd street and thought to herself,
“What if I jumped in front of that -A- train?”
She carefully stood back and leaned against the wall so she wouldn’t accidentally fall onto the tracks because lately she has been completely unbalanced and unaware of her surroundings. She started crying and thought to herself,
“Oh my God! What about my daughter? How could I do that to my daughter? She loves me so much.”
But her daughter has no idea how sad she has been but how she is fighting for her life. She is desperately fighting to return to herself strong. She is fighting to clean her wounds. She is fighting to release her pain.
She is awakening~
She is ready to listen~
During meditation I thought a lot about people who leave us. I am thinking about those who have taken their lives. I am thinking about those who have given up on life~
What is the difference between people who push past darkness take battles on and go to war with their demons and those people who give up and refuse to fight?
Belief in what is true~
It takes great faith to believe that even during the worst of experiences… that IT WILL PASS… that things WILL be fine… and that things DO in fact always happen for a reason~
It takes holding onto hope even when your faith is challenged and wavers… holding onto just the smallest amount of hope helps us to move through IT~
If we are not careful we can move into hopelessness~ Feeling hopeless leaves NO room for faith… and here is where we must fight. We must fight for our lives. We must stop waiting for someone, for people to come in and save us… we must SAVE OURSELVES~
That’s the message I heard yesterday during church loud and clear… SAVE YOURSELF! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
The sermon was about COMING HOME… it was about the Prodigal Son…
A man has two sons… one son says to his father… give me my share of my inheritance I want to travel the world I don’t want to stay here… the father gave the son his share and gave him blessings… the son leaves… he has a great time… that son spends all of it… all his riches… gone… he is broke… ashamed… how can he go home to his father and tell him how irresponsible he was. How can he face his father? The son was so broke that he ate with the pigs… his fine clothing completely ruined… he had nothing… he felt he was nothing.
Then he remembered that he was the son of a king and that his servants ate better than what he was eating. The son decided to return home. As the son walked up the road towards his father’s house… his father came running and embraced him… and said, my son has returned… welcome home! The father requested the finest robe, the most beautiful ring and most delicious food be prepared for a feast… HIS SON HAD RETURNED HOME!
I have been sad for a quite a while now… but two things reminded me of what I must do… and what I know to be true… I can always return home… and I can save myself.
I have returned home!
For this knowing I am so grateful~
And so it is~
I forgive myself for yesterday and look forward to the healing that comes today.
I am developing a new awareness of who I am.
In your presence and in silence I begin to know myself.
My significance comes from serving~
I am awakening to the truth of who I am~
I can always come back home~
I am being restored to wholeness~
Heal me that I may heal others~
In my silence and solitude I begin to know myself~