Friday, February 15, 2008

"Don’t push me~ Cause I’m close to the edge…"

I just got to the office and knew that I needed to get this feeling onto the page immediately…

My morning has started off strangely… I woke up a little before 7:00am with my body telling me a story…a very familiar story…my body was giving me messages - - and now I'm sitting at my desk and haven't even taken off my coat or hat.

I woke up this morning feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck. Where do I begin? I will begin with the end… with last night… the night of Valentines Day. I was completely drained from the day - - I felt pushed around and beat down. Something happened during work that left me exhausted for the rest of the day.

I took my daughter to dinner and to a movie for our special Valentines date… and I sat there kind of quiet not really saying much and she just looked at me and said "Mommy why do you look so depressed" I just smiled at her and said I'm not depressed, everything is fine…I'm just tired. I guess she wasn't the only person I was lying to - - I was trying to lie to myself - fooling myself that the events of the day didn't affect me.

The feeling was all too familiar… I woke up thinking about the last time I felt bullied or pushed around…

I wrote a blog last year called:

Keep it Movin~

An excerpt:

Wednesday, October 6, 2004
I was awoken at around 3am by my dreams (I believe it was Kevin waking me to create)…

I started to create…
I started to write again…

It felt wonderful. I felt POWERFUL, I was strong, full of life, happy, ready to conquer the world – I was full of energy... I began working on the manuscript that I had started in October 2001, titled "Becoming Me…Its OK in My Skin" I felt fucking fantastic! I put on my nicest outfit, my tallest, sexiest, strappy heals – the gold ones that tie up…I worked until about 6:00am when I woke Courtney up and she couldn't believe that I was already up, dressed, ready to go and in a good mood. She thought we hit the lotto.

It was on!
I was ready!

Until I got to work…RIGHT…the dream job!

So my boss that morning (Oct. 6th) was extra rude, extra demeaning, extra disrespectful and extra demanding – she was just EXTRA!

Once she arrived to the office she began her dictatorship – and I just felt deflated – I felt like I was nothing – POWERFUL was replaced with INSIGNIFICANT. I felt burned…used…I was done…I couldn't do it anymore. She WON – she wanted me to know my place and it was below her and I bowed down…I was severely depressed in that moment after starting my day so high – so grand…in that moment I was completely destroyed….impt to note that my daughter was at work with me that day because she had the day off from school. There was no worse a feeling than having your child see you being disrespected and you not even defending yourself!

I took Courtney to lunch – I didn't eat. I couldn't eat! We found a quiet place to sit… it was an empty cubical and I just put my head down on the desk and surrendered…I gave up – I started crying like a baby and I just kept repeating "I cant do this…I cant do this…I cant do this…" and little miss Courtney just looked over at me – slurping her noodles, with this look of pity for me and she said; "Mommy don't cry…if you're so unhappy just quit! JUST QUIT!

It sounded easy enough…just quit…so I got my ass up and I walked over to my bosses office – the Editor in Chief – I asked her to step outside of her office for a moment (mind you she was in an editorial meeting) and I told her I couldn't do this anymore…and I walked away… KEEP IT MOVIN…

The days that followed were rough – I wasn't thinking straight – did I seriously just walk away from the job of a lifetime…there was NO thinking about where the money was going to come from…NO rational thought…logical and practical were certainly not in my vocabulary in that moment…I just thought fuck it…fuck her! Fuck this~ But I was in PAIN – internally I was destroyed…

Back to TODAY - - this moment…

Have you ever listened to messages your body sends when it speaks?

And not just when it tells you to feed it, make love to it, rest, exercise, sleep, play… today my body is screaming messages to me…saying LISTEN HERE LADY… pay close attention!

So I'm tending to my body…

It's funny… while I was going through it yesterday I didn't feel it - - everything was fine - - I had it all under control… as long as I communicate then all will be good… but it's the aftermath of it… what my body is left feeling today that concerns me.

Today was the first time I was able to do yoga in my house in a few weeks and I knew I needed to make sure I did yoga this morning at home because I couldn't start my day without it… and was having a tough time keeping it moving.

I got out of bed… just sat there feeling really sore for a minute… and was feeling like DAMN… why do I feel like I was just hit by a car?

I got on my computer like I always do first thing in the morning and handled some business then looked at my floor - - at the spot where I do my yoga, my house was quiet, I felt at peace - - so I decided - - let me do some yoga and work out the soreness from my body.

So I got down on the floor laid on my back with my mask on my eyes… got quiet… I was meditating on the words "God is always in complete and perfect control…I will not judge."

My word for today is NONJUDGEMENT (that's really the blog I started to write this morning but something shifted…and I always honor my body shifts).

I was coming to the end of my session and in my prayer position and the words that came into my mind stopped me right in the middle of my prayers – and so I stopped to write them down:

You push me to show you
You push me to say
You push me to speak
You push me to prove
You push me to share
You push me to love
You push me to tell you
You push me around
You push too hard
You push me to… push you back~
You push me to pull away~


That's when the song came to my mind… Don't push me - - cause I'm close to the edge…


And the word that followed that thought was:

Be patient Alicia~
But PATIENCE does not mean push over…
Patience does not mean I allow you to walk all over me~.

So here I am again in a familiar place… am I going to walk away… or step up and say… DON'T PUSH ME~ I think I will stand here and not walk away this time… and let you know - - please STOP pushing me because I do PUSH BACK~

Why are we in such a rush?
Why do we push so hard?
What's the prize at the end?
Why can't we wait?
Why do we want everything right now?
How do you deal with pushy people?


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