Depression

I feel like running away… WOW – the last time I felt this way was 2004. I was talking crazy about leaving my daughter; my life and burning everything I had ever written… it almost felt like I didn’t exist - - not in the way I was existing in that moment – which seemed like I was a walking robot - - just going through the motions - - one of the living dead. During that time in my life I didn’t want to not be anyone’s thought or concern.

I shocked myself yesterday when I heard myself tell someone "I feel like a little bit of me is dying!"

And that moment - - so many years ago was such a dark place… I certainly don’t want to go back there~

How do you pull yourself out of IT when you are SMACK dab in the middle of IT?

I woke up this morning… Actually I really didn’t want to wake up this morning~ I received three wake up calls~ My alarm went off for two hours straight with z100 at full blast~ And I’m sitting here (when I should be leaving my house) typing these words because I don’t want to go to work today and do more of what I did yesterday which was NOTHING...

This morning felt so different for me – where I am usually the person walking up the street – UPBEAT – ipod on – singing away – getting my hustle on - on the way to work. That Alicia Anabel who is ALL smiles saying good morning to everyone - - with a smile on her face… walking by people who are less than happy.

I usually never let their mood affect me. I always try to stay smiling. I’m usually able to feel their energy bounce right off their bodies - - and for the most part I am able to deflect it and not let it phase me.

NOT TODAY, today I felt my own negative energy this morning… it was powerful, dark, ugly - - to walk by someone who seems angry or miserable or just having a rough life and see their my reflection in ME - - in the homeless man I walked by this morning - -this sense of hopelessness - - as he entered the church… all the faces I pass - - that past by me without smiles… I join them today in that sentiment.

I am not happy today~
My chest is tight~
I feel hot~
I feel warm~
I feel like there’s a lump in my throat~
My heart feels heavy~
I can feel the sadness in my eyes~
My legs feel weak~
I did not want to get out of bed at all~

I’ve read and have heard people say… that sleeping too much is a clear sign of depression. And I just wanted to sleep the rest of the week away. But I was reminded that I needed to get my ass up…

So as I was washing my face this morning looking at myself in the mirror I thought to myself:

Am I depressed?
Or am I just going through something?
Am I just having a moment?
And will this moment pass?

I even considered calling my old therapist who I haven’t seen in two years. And I came back to DEPRESSION - - there will be NO taking medicine… I need to stay away from all addictions… (Sex, alcohol or drugs) and by drugs I’m talking about anti-depressants - - but there are those of us who numb our pain with some pretty hard core stuff…

But for me - - TODAY - - I actually want to FEEL what I am feeling. I want feel my way through this pain and sadness. I have been here before and have gotten myself out of IT. And if I am able to get myself out of this in a healthy way then I will have given myself a new way of dealing – a better way of healing.

So what gets me out it? Meditation (aka prayer) ~

I need to bring my mental, physical and emotional self into alignment.

What am I meditating on today?
What do I need?
What am I asking for?

Continual constant joy in all I do in every area of my life… to walk in peace… for the wind to rattle me but never to pull me out of my foundation. To be able to stand TALL~ and I need this strength because I’m not feeling very tall. L

I am meditating on the word PRAYER~ to help me get out of this depressed state…

Whatever I have gone through in this life… anything I have ever asked for during my meditation was answered – in one way or another – positive or negative - - and without fail - - whenever I communed - - whatever I needed was provided. But ONLY if - -it was intended for me.

My word today is prayer - - and I read this today:


"God always answers my prayers according to the principle of truth, according to Divine Will for my highest good, and according to my faith."

So I MUST believe - - if something is for my HIGHEST good and I walk in and with FAITH - - than it will be mine. I’m reminded that I must release all doubt and expect a positive outcome… believe that my prayers will be answered…and KNOW that ALL will work out exactly as it is meant to.

So my meditation today:
I acknowledge my own Divinity and I call it forth as my strength… I know what I need to do. I just need the strength to do it. This means I must dig real deep for this power – this source within me… that light that fills me…the love that consumes me - - its that THING that gets me up in the morning, that THING that picks me up when I fall to the ground – that THING that got me through and continues to get me through the loss of Kevin and Luis.

I read that often time’s prayers are results oriented. We only believe it works when we have the results in the material form. But I must remember that I may not always see the results - - and I will understand that "prayer is actually an affirmation of what already exists… it is a demonstration of our willingness to receive what is good for us" that I will only have what is meant for me.

Its remembering that I have everything I need - - when I need it~

I call forth the divine within me as the strength I need - - to do what I know I must do~

Whenever I call IT always shows up~

As I got to the end of writing this today I read this:

"The divine source of all life is the fulfillment of ALL potential"

This is why I am in the middle of it… it’s about realizing my FULL POTENTIAL~

Me my fullest potential… my life as it is unfolding… trusting that I will recognize the answer to my prayer when it shows up… so tomorrow I will write about POTENTIAL… not sure if you all saw it – but my prayer was answered as I wrote.

How do you pull yourself out of IT when you are in the middle of IT?

Peace~

I had to post this... ties in to my RESPECT blog~

LIFE HAS A WAY OF SHOWING YOU EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE AT - - AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT IN TIME~ but for me this just confirms where I am at in this moment and how I am feeling today:


My scope reads:


Unhappy? Uncomfortable? In need of a miracle cure? You need ’Placebo’, the new wonder drug - proven by scientists to be highly effective, some of the time. Whatever you’ve got, no matter how much it troubles you, Placebo stands a real chance of helping. So don’t delay, ask your doctor for some today. I am being flippant but I am making a very serious point. There are many ways in which things that are wrong can be put right. Don’t look for logic today, just try trusting what you feel.


JUST TRUST WHAT I FEEL~ that I do~


Peace~

R.E.S.P.E.C.T~

RESPECT~

Can you trust someone you don’t respect?
Can you respect someone you don’t trust?

She told me that she felt like she wanted to shut down. She said she just wanted to crawl into a shell and not come out. She didn’t feel like speaking to him - - actually she didn’t feel like having to prove that what she was saying was true. She didn’t feel he respected her. She didn’t feel he trusted her. She gave him NO reason to feel this way stating that she has had no desire to stray. She told me that she felt like he didn’t trust her to hold her own. She felt like he wanted to come in and save the day - - but she told him that she didn’t need rescuing.

I can see what she means… I know what this feels like… I know what its like to not feel respected by those closest to me… I’ve had people say to me "WOW Alicia! I have so much respect for you and all you do and all you’ve done!" But then I see and hear something else in their actions -- they always show me something else~ they always show me the truth~

Actions always speak louder than words! People can tell us anything they wanna tell us. Like Bloo always says to me "when someone SHOWS you who they are - - BELIEVE them." I swear by that quote: when someone shows me who they are - - BELIEVE THAT… TRUST THAT~ and I haven’t been wrong yet!

If I trust you - - I respect you as a person - - I honor you and your word…

If I don’t trust you - - I probably don’t respect you - - I most definitely don’t believe a single word that comes out of your mouth.

When I trust you… I trust that you will follow through on your promises, vows, and your word -- is in fact bond… I trust that you will follow though on what you say you are going to do - -

BUT - - if in the back of my mind I am recalling ALL the moments you failed to follow through on your promises - - all the moments you didn’t do what you said you would do - - how can I REALLY trust you - - and if I am keeping score - - how am I really respecting you? (I’m probably NOT respecting you - - and I probably don’t trust you)

When we tell people how to live their lives we don’t respect them we don’t trust that they can make up their OWN minds - - we’re trying to run THEIR lives - - we don’t TRUST that they can make the right decisions for themselves.

With RESPECT you know, trust and believe - - I can make it. You have NO doubt in me. You don’t show me this TRUST and RESPECT for me in just simple words but in your actions~ and if I make the wrong choice – which I’m sure I will… when I fall - - you will give me your hand - - not kick a sistah while she’s down - - I won’t hear from your mouth "I told you so!" or "I told you it wouldn’t work!" and you would never say "I didn’t think you could do it!"

INSTEAD you will help me get off the ground, dust myself off and say to me "You got this! Handle your handle! Go for it! I got you!" And in that way I will TRUST, BELIEVE and KNOW you respect me!

When I put my trust in someone I expect that they will do what they SAY...

Trusting IN someone... means there’s something I believe they have that I need (faithfulness, honesty, respect, loyalty, truth, LOVE) and that there is something I HAVE that I believe they can take away from me... this is placing my TRUST on the words rather than the ACTION~

I PLACE my trust in the divine in you~

Why do we place our trust in one another?
What are we hoping this OTHER can give us?

I trust YOU not because I trust you or your word... I trust the divine in you - - just as I trust the divine in me... I trust the actions behind your words - - I TRUST what you DO or DON’T do~

I read today and have heard this quite a bit - - people saying: "I will try to change" or "I will try and make it to xyz…" or "I will try to call you later" or "I will try to TRUST again!"

A person who is trying is not DOING!

YOU DO OR DONT... that’s it... it’s that simple...

I no longer trust in what people SAY - - I trust in what you DO~

So you either TRUST or you don’t - - that’s it~

I read today... Trust is not something people must earn from us - - nor is it something we give to people who have proven themselves worthy~

Every being is worthy of being trusted~
Either you trust or you do not trust~

I release the idea that my trust in SOMEONE somehow controls how THEY will react or behave in any given situation~ I also release the ME that needs YOU to trust and respect me - - you either do or you don’t~

Can you trust someone you don’t respect?
Can you respect someone you don’t trust?
Why do we place our trust in one another?
What are we hoping this OTHER can give us?
Do you trust?

Peace~


Where do I place my trust?


I ONLY rely on the divine to sustain and fill me~
I trust that the divine will provide me with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance I encounter~
I will rely on what my heart tells me is true~
I will not try to trust - - I do trust~
I trust that all my needs are being met~
I trust that the pure desires of my heart and soul will manifest~
I trust in all that is good - - the divine is the only sustenance I will ever need~
I trust that the divine provides all things~
I TRUST MYSELF~
I RESPECT ME~

Love song for Courtniana~

"You are the reason I could fly"
"And cause of you I don’t have to wonder why"
"My baby you there’s no more just getting by"

You’re the reason I feel so ALIVE~

My Baby You, by Marc Anthony

As I look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life’s worth a thousand skies
You’re the simplest love I’ve known
And the purest one I’ll own
Know you’ll never be alone

Chorus :
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
And cause of you
I don’t have to wonder why
Baby You
There’s no more just getting by
You’re the reason I feel so alive
Though these words I sing are true
They still fail to capture you
As mere words can only do
How do I explain that smile
And how it turns my world around
Keeping my feet on the ground

[Chorus]

I will sooth you if you fall
I’ll be right there if you call
You’re my greatest love of all

[Chorus]

Arianna I feel so alive



Daughter,
Nobody loves me like you love me~
Nobody accepts me like you accept me~
Nobody knows me like you know me~
I love you Court and I miss you baby~

Good Girls Share~

I remember being told that good girls share~

If I had a toy and one of my younger sisters wanted to play with it my mother would make me give it to them. But when she walked away I would probably smack them in the head… I hated being forced to share.

So I guess I was a bad girl…

I recently was accused of not sharing AGAIN… either the woman meant that I didn’t know how to share… or just meant in ONE or MANY areas of my life I refuse to share with others. The person was telling me that I wasn’t willing to share certain things like my personal experience, story and feelings. That conversation was with Bloo – I HATE it when that *&^%$ is right… so last week she called me on my crap - - telling me that I don’t share~ she was talking about the area of my SUCCESS~

Actually, her exact words were: "there are parts of you that you are not willing to share" telling me that there are things I guard with my life… (I hate that you’re right stupid head!)

She told me that yes I am ready and willing to share my love… but that it’s not ALL people need. She told me that I have a fear that there won’t be enough left over for me if I share…

So today I meditated on the word SHARING… and the intention that I wrote for myself today is:

I intend to LEARN how to SHARE MY LIFE~

I can admit that SHARING is a tough thing for me to do because it brings up a lot of different emotions like:


1. I have been doing this alone thing for a long time - - how will someone fit?
2. I have been living a certain way for a long time - - this fear of something new coming in and disrupting that~ changing that~ trying to control that~
3. If it aint broke – don’t fix it…
4. What’s mine is mine…
5. Everything that I have - - I’ve gotten on my own - - and I’ll be damned if someone comes in and takes credit from me~
6. If I give of myself in certain ways - - then I will somehow lose myself~
7. I don’t wanna have to answer to nobody…
8. It’s my life~
9. I don’t need your help - - I got this~


So - - How do I share my life?

I was looking at the list I just wrote and the key words I used were:


I have been~
What’s mine~
Everything I have~
I’ll be damned~
I will lose~
I don’t wanna~
I got this~
I don’t need~

There’s a lot of "I" this - - "I" that and what I found is that my list is not very others centered… so the new words that rise for me are selfishness and willingness. Am I selfish~ in that not for self improvement/self love kind of way~

This selfishness of mine is this disguised way of me protecting myself – protecting what’s MINE, preventing myself from being hurt or disappointed. Its also an idea of being LIMITED… this feeling that if I share MY stuff with others they will TAKE what’s mine…and I am not sure why that is…

So I’m going to replace the word "MINE" and "I need" with a new phrase and way of living:

I AM WILLING…
I am willing to share…
I am willing to be wrong...

Because we must be willing to share if we want to receive the good stuff~

I am willing to share my life~
I am willing to share my love~
I am willing to share my successes~
I am willing to share my pains~
I am willing to share my failures~
I am willing to share my time~
I am willing to share my truth~
I am willing to share my resources~
I am willing to open myself up to NEW expressions of love in my life - - in however it chooses to show up~

How do you share?
In what ways do you share?
What does sharing YOUR LIFE mean to you?
What do people need?
What do you need?

Peace~

All work and no play~

I wanna be a kid today!
I don’t want to HAVE to work.
I don’t want to be SOOOOO serious today.
I want to have fun.
I want to be carefree.

Do you remember the last time you had fun?
When was the last time you had a belly laugh?
Who made you laugh?
What made you laugh?
Why do we take life so serious?
Why am I so serious today?

I was on the phone with someone this morning who was full of life, full of love, and was filled with happiness and joy… it was like being on the phone with a little girl… a little girl who was laughing about everything and just having a great time… it was really wonderful to hear.

And at that moment I was wishing I was a little girl… I wished that I could let the little girl in me come out to join her in the fun. But I didn’t do that… while she played I was playing an adult game. I was busy thinking about all that I had to do today. I wasn’t in the happiest of moods. I was thinking about my "to do list" and what the ONE task would be - - that I would need to get done today. I was thinking about how nasty the weather looked when I awoke this morning… it looked dreadful… and I guess I allowed it to affect my mood - - I was dreading the day… I was moving really slowly not really wanting to leave my house.

So I grabbed my umbrella and left. I was walking down the stairs in a turtles pace… stood at the front of my building not wanting to open my umbrella when I saw one of my neighbors standing at the door smoking a cigarette and he said… "Don’t let the day fool you - - it’s a beautiful day" well lets just say... that’s just what I needed to hear to get me out of my crappy mood… it is a beautiful day :)

The little girl in me wants to play in the fields…

I used to love swinging… really high and jumping off… I remember growing up in NYC… and hanging in the park on Atlantic Avenue - - this park had those metal swings… there would be four of us competing - - two people on each swing… one person sitting - - the other standing on the swing and the race was ON for who could go the highest…

The water feels so good... won’t you join me?

Not a care in the world…

Lets go slide…

I just wanna dance around like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music… The hills are alive…

I always wanted to learn how to do a cartwheel…

And blowing bubbles was so much fun… chasing the bubbles to pop them… or catch them…

The fun we had falling down…

Good times at the beach... being buried alive…

How easily entertained we were…

DID SOMEONE SAY WATER FIGHT???

I don’t wanna be a grown up today~
I wanna play…
Lets play today~


What are your favorite games?
What do you do for fun?
What brings a smile to your face?


Peace~

Always at the last minute~

My word today is discipline…

I have been thinking about how I create and maintain my - - to do lists. What is it that really gets accomplished from the list?

Do lists really work for me?
What is my discipline?
Am I disciplined?
What is the method to my madness?

I don’t know about the rest of the world… but I am a serious list person.

I keep lists on post its, on the back of envelopes, on my hand, in my phone, I text myself, email myself, leave myself voicemails, write myself notes in my journals and in any book as the thought or mood arises.

I have lists of things that I add to my - - to do list~
I have a master – to do list~
I have a master FINAL to do list~
I have a major GOALS list~
I have a major PROJECT list~
I have a list for each project that I work on~
I have created lists on word, PowerPoint, and excel~

We won’t even go there with the black berry outlook task list or my Franklin Covey planner, or the notes that I have on the walls at home~

What’s my point? Way too many lists… and not enough discipline~

I have done more creating of lists than actually getting the items on the lists DONE - - by the time I attempt to get to my TO DO lists - - I’m exhausted from thinking about all the things I MUST get done on those lists vs. actually DOING the things on those lists.

Its amazing how you can get so used to doing things in a certain way and reaping NO benefits (i.e. my to do lists) which can also be seen as a form of discipline in my life (a method that is self sabotaging and unsuccessful) but it has been my discipline – "the lets NOT get things done discipline."

It’s that kind of discipline that keeps us from truly getting to where we need to be or having the things that we really do want. I know for me I am ready for a new way… a way that will work for me… and certainly a realistic form of discipline for my lifestyle and personality.

Avoidance and procrastination… are two other words that came up today when thinking about discipline - - I’m thinking about how I handle myself and my life… how do I get it all done - - all the important and not so important things from my "to do" list.

I ALWAYS WAIT TO THE LAST MINUTE….

Two weeks ago I had a meeting with my accountability partner and she gave me a deadline of 3/17 (which was yesterday) to show her the outline for my novel… life happens - - other projects became the priority and yesterday I was trying to decide how I would get out of my meeting because I didn’t have an outline to show her – I didn’t want to waste her time.

Following through on my commitments is incredibly important to me and I was feeling really disappointed in myself. At some point during the day yesterday I got this burst of energy opened word and started typing an outline… I came up with the names for my characters and had an outline to show my partner.

Always at the last minute… but I did get it done… I always get it done~

In the past I used to say - - I work well under pressure… that’s a bunch of BS~ I work fast under pressure… which means I am stressed, anxious, work isn’t at 100% maybe 80%, maybe 70% especially when I have someone riding me to get it done - - I need to be realistic - - I need a different way - - I need discipline.

I must realize that all that I do, and the manner in which I do it, will determine how far I go and how quickly the process will move me forward.

Discipline is the value I place on me~

Avoiding doing what I must get done - - is a form of procrastination.

Part of my procrastination was fear of success and part of it was the fear of failure… a small part of it was fear that I wasn’t good enough to do it, smart enough to do it, capable enough to do it, I’d rather be home watching TV, hanging out on myspace or making small talk with complete strangers…. All forms of me NOT GETTING MY SHIT DONE~

For me being disciplined is about meeting my deadlines and making my dreams come true. For me being disciplined is putting me first~

My vow and the way I choose to honor me today - - the way I plan on being more disciplined is to start small… baby steps~

There are 14 days left in the month of March…

I plan on picking ONE thing from my TO DO list and putting ONLY one thing for each day this month. (This does not include all the little things that we get done in our lives…all the minor emergencies and our life responsibilities - - I am a mom so I am busy, and there are many things I get done during the day at the magazine I work for). My plan is to get ONE thing done for me.

I figure by the time I get to April. I will have COMPLETED 14 items from my list and that my friends is discipline - - and a HUGE accomplishment. J

I still have much work to do in the areas of discipline – but I am willing to try something new to get the results that I want without all the stress of waiting to the last minute.

I definitely want to live a more disciplined life~

For me it’s important to have discipline in my practice, in my writing, with my time and at my job so that I can achieve my goals, make my deadlines and live my Personal Legend~

What’s your discipline?
Are you disciplined?
What is the method to your madness?

Peace~

In honor of WOMYN~

In honor of WOMYN’s Month~

Last Saturday I held an all day writers workshop at Brooklyn College. The women wrote from 10:00am until 5:30pm. It was productive, intense, emotional, overwhelming, powerful, enlightening, fulfilling, filled with laughs and tears, educational, fun, informative, and spiritual. Bonds were formed~

Vanessa, one of the writers from the group (my dear friend and a woman who has become a sister to me) co-moderated the all day session with me and opened with:

"Did you know that March is Women’s History Month?"

Then she went one better and informed us that Saturday, March 8th, was International Women’s Day.

Needless to say, we were under some pressure to produce…

These workshops are incredibly special to me - - there is a story that each of us HAS to tell… the women in the NYC Latina Writers group are amazing each with a powerful story they MUST tell… a story that is bigger than us… and what a special day for us to honor the many women who have paved the way for us by spending it together sharing, growing, writing & creating.

Which brings me to Vanessa’s writing prompt: "How do you feel about being a woman?"

So I wrote…

How do I feel about being a woman~
What does being a woman mean to me~


It’s funny for a long time I didn’t really care about being a woman. I saw it as such a crutch. I preferred to be a tomboy because I wasn’t going to be taking sh*& from everyone/anyone and lets face it - - the woman’s programming - - or at least how I came to see it in a Latin household was that to be a woman—well….

To be a woman meant I had NO VOICE… and needed to know my place…

To be a woman was to be discriminated against…

To be a woman of color - - a double wammy…

And for the woman in me today… well I am about to embark on another journey about what being a woman is…means…should be…

But when I can remove the mask placed on my head by my parents, family, religion, society, and media and decide for myself what being a woman truly means to me…

I can honestly say that today - - I see it as a blessing…

A blessing that gave me Courtney - - my greatest gift to the world~

A woman is power - - gives life – provides – nurtures and protects…

When I think about me as a woman - - I can not separate me as a lion protecting my cubs - - the lion who hunts and gathers - - the lion who is loyal - - but will kill you if you dare fuck with her or her family~ but gentle and tender – regal - supreme royalty – a queen - - a queen always in the making.

We are ALL queens on a tremendous journey.

A woman is a gift - - people don’t really know… remix… they DO KNOW how powerful we are - - which is why they want to take it away from us - - keep us down – to control us – drain us… as my sister Gloria says - - they will try to ZAP it right out of me…

What I love about being a woman is our ability to dig deep.

Our intuition is an incredible gift – it’s our greatest gift. We have this ability to tap into a source that some will never reach.

When I think of the word woman – I see in it wonderful things – potential for greatness – strength – endurance – faith – softness - love – honor – truth – respect – vulnerability - tranquility – rage – power – peace – the ability to hold it down… an abundance of LOVE~

While I think of all the wonderful things about being a woman I also see and acknowledge that what WE… that being a woman we are forced to endure a tremendous amount of pain - - a pain that can paralyze us if we don’t allow ourselves to honor who we are and heal the wounds of our past or present. And how we as womyn must release all of the poison inside us~

To change the ideas of:

Woman - - the internalizer…

Replaced with:

Woman - - the releaser…

When we as women can truly see the power, gifts and blessings that we bring… that blessings that WE ARE - - only then will we realize that we are unstoppable. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for~

I love being a womyn! Peace~

Today I can look back and say that being a woman truly does come from modeling…

Who our role models are? And it’s about knowing our WORTH.

I think that might be one of my biggest regrets or wishes - - me wishing I would have known my worth a lot sooner than later on in life… or wishing that I would’ve been taught how to find my worth. But I guess that’s the but I guess that’s the lesson in the end… no one really could give me my worth… only I could give it to me… only I could learn that…

Women inspire…
Women teach…
Women love…
Women endure…
Women heal…
Women fight…
Women are greatness and beauty~

The women I celebrate this month and every month:

Mi madre Carmen Alicia Anabel
Mi hija Courtniana
Lulu
Josie
Fabiana
Ely
Aurora
Lindsey
Emma L.
Jaz
Eneida
Emma
Kelly
Mayra
Vanessa
Natasha
Georgina
Marta
Adelina
NYCLWG
My aunts
My grandmothers
My ancestors
Fem activists
Fem educators
Fem artists
Fem revolutionaries
Fem writers
Fem entertainers
Fem athletes

To all the womyn in my life, all the womyn I’ve met, all the womyn before me, all the womyn who have touched my life and inspired me - - I honor you~

Do you know your worth?
How do you feel about being a woman?
To the men: How do you feel about the woman in your life?


Peace~

"Unabbreviated Thoughts"

Last week my friend V invited me to join her at a career day - - she asked me to come and talk to some high school kids about writing…to share with them what we do as writers and what steps they need to take to get there. She told me to bring whatever I wanted as inspiration.

Last night I had the pleasure of spending my evening with some incredible students at a high school in the Bronx. It was wonderful to hear them so passionate about the craft of writing, what schools they plan on attending (or not attending), what their game plan/next steps are after graduation - - they shared their dreams with me and I sat in awe of them. There were a few that stood out… but there was ONE who left her mark~

I met a girl last night that left me speechless~

Her passion is poetry~
Her love is life~
Her cry is for the truth~
Her mission - - to help heal~
Her voice was forceful~
Her words venom~

I used the word Venom~ not that her words were like the poison… but the venom she used to sting YOU/ME with the TRUTH…

It’s a TRUTH that hurts~

This young girl is incredibly wise… she recited a poem that left me speechless and stopped V dead in her tracks as she was surrounded by other students - - she stopped talking to them to listen to her… her voice COMMANDED attention…

At the end of the evening she came back share more of her gifts…

The theme and title of the last poem she shared was "Too young…"

It took a lot for me not to cry in front of her during and after she spit for me… I didn’t want her to see me vulnerable…

But I should have…

I should have told her how her words impacted me~
I should have told her how her words were like a knife piercing through me – stabbing my heart over and over and over again~
I should have told her how I almost lost my breath in a gasp at the TRUTH she was serving me~

This PAIN I felt… I wanted to tell her that the pain I felt had to do with her… or her poetic talent… that this pain I felt…came from the pain I could feel in the wind, in the story, behind the story, in the subject she spoke about, in the girl she was describing - - I became that girl – its the pain I could feel SHE herself has endured or has seen endured by OTHER around her – the life experience that surrounds her - - a life that consumes her.

No little girl should see the types of things she described~
No little girl should see the things she’s seen~


I should have told her that I loved her~

Because in that moment she too became one of my daughters… the daughter I wanted to shield from the pain…a daughter I want to protect. But as her mother - - I will just sit back and watch her… and let her SPEAK… UT SPEAK~ I will watch her – because this TRUTH was hers to tell…

To the young poet I met last night who goes by the name "Unabbreviated Thoughts"

Thank you for letting me see you~
It was such an honor to meet you~

Have you met someone who has touched you?
Who has left an impression in your life?


Peace~

I still believe~

Last night while I was walking to the train and while I was on my way home - - I spent quite a bit of time thinking about people in my life and what we all go through at any given moment. I was really thinking about what THAT THING is that gets us through it. What is it that gets us through pain? How do we get past grief? When a relationship ends and we are left devastated and heart broken - - how do we repair – heal – get better – get strong?

I began meditating on the word FAITH. I have these cards with affirmations and this is what I wrote:

Jan. 16, 2004 – Day 16 Faith: Trust, belief a constant trust in my force. A set of principles or beliefs. Confident belief in the truth; value, or trust-worthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

*I acknowledge the importance of living my life by and with faith
*I possess faith
*I am faith-filled
*I am relying on my faith to do all things and I expect great things to happen in my life
*I am always anticipating a miracle
*I am working and living by faith

So it got me thinking about me and what I think about faith.

Do I have faith?
Do I really walk with faith?

I was thinking of a title for this blog and was playing with words… I was trying to think about where I am in my life - - with faith on my side and I said to myself: I still believe~ I always believe~

Then I started singing… this song from the past… "I still believe…"

I still believe are words from one of my favorite songs from the 80s. That singer was amazing. Her name is Brenda K Star. I haven’t really followed her over the years and am not really sure how her music career has gone - - but what I do remember is that Mariah sang back for her and only one of them made it BIG!

So I was thinking about Brenda last night… what happened to her? How did she feel during that time in her life? I wondered if she ever stopped believing in herself. Did she stop believing that success could be hers? Did she think that because Mariah made it big that she was some how limited and now unable to make it.

I’m left wondering if self doubt envy or jealousy was what blocked her. And if something internal did create the block preventing her abundance from arriving. Did it have anything to do with FAITH? Where was her faith?

I’m thinking about what it means to have faith.

What’s a woman of faith?
What was George Michael singing about in his, "so you gotta have faith?"
Why is faith so important?
What do we replace faith with?
Where do we put our faith?
What do we put our faith in?
Do we have faith?
Do I have faith?
Do you have faith?

I wrote this for someone I love last night:

Faith in people
Faith in things
Faith in the process
Faith that all things arrive right on time
Faith in you
Faith in me
Faith in us
Faith in our family
Faith in thy will

I’m thinking about the moments WE - the creator’s children had the gift of faith.

When was it exactly that we lost our faith?

When did we begin to put our faith in things, in feelings, in others and then allow it to easily become DOUBT?

Doubt in people
Doubt in you
Doubt in me
Doubt in the truth
Doubt in things
Doubt in worth
Doubt that we deserve
Doubt that good can’t happen to us

My faith is strong queen

I believe in you
I believe in us
I believe in we
I believe in me
I believe we are meant to be

What do you believe?
Do you have faith?
Where do we put our faith?
What do we put our faith in?

Peace~

I can’t wait to... Dominate you~

It's been a long time… since I've come to the page~

I figured I would spend this morning free writing….

My prompt today: I can't wait to…

I can't wait to spend forever with you~
I can't wait to publish my book~
I can't wait to get home and see my daughter~
I can't wait to get my life in order~
I can't wait to be in a job that is fulfilling every single day… not just on occasion~
I can't wait to go to sleep - - I'm exhausted~

I can't wait to get my mojo back… my writing mojo~ I have missed writing my blogs; I have been really distracted lately. I have been here before I know what this distraction is really about…get it together chica… I can't wait to get back in to the swing of me… I can't wait to close my eyes and wake to all the wonderful things that surround me…

I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait

For my thoughts to not be dominated by ONE~

DOMINATED~

This word just jumped out at me…

Dominated…

This is my word for the day: "Dominate"

What does "dominate" mean to me?

To be dominated…
To be dominating…
To dominate…

Which one am I? Which one are YOU?

I have been on all sides (no pun intended)… of the domination fence…

There have been instances where I have been forced to submit - where I've had NO control over the situation. Then there have been situations where I've been forced to submit where I had ABSOLUTE control over the situation and whether or not I wanted to stick around and be dominated. I have loved being/playing the dominator… and I have enjoyed being dominated.

Yes - - on occasion I have been accused of being controlling. When I was younger I dominated conversations and not allowed people to get a word in (I hate people like that…I'm glad I stopped doing that… now I just completely drown out discussions with my own thoughts – still controlling you and you don't even know it - - kidding).

Then there are instances I have been put in the position of dominating certain situations because people don't step up to the plate and are often looking for someone to take the lead.

When is it ok to possess this quality??? Dominate vs. submission…

DOMINATE defined: To control, govern, or rule by superior authority or power: Successful leaders dominate events rather than react to them.
To exert a supreme, guiding influence on or over: Ambition dominated their lives.
To enjoy a commanding, controlling position in: To have or exert strong authority or mastery. To be situated in or occupy a position that is more elevated or decidedly superior to others.

Do we all answer to someone?
Is there some twisted pleasure in being controlled?
When is it healthy - - not healthy?
Which one are you?

Peace~