Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I feel like running away… WOW – the last time I felt this way was 2004. I was talking crazy about leaving my daughter; my life and burning everything I had ever written… it almost felt like I didn’t exist - - not in the way I was existing in that moment – which seemed like I was a walking robot - - just going through the motions - - one of the living dead. During that time in my life I didn’t want to not be anyone’s thought or concern.

I shocked myself yesterday when I heard myself tell someone "I feel like a little bit of me is dying!"

And that moment - - so many years ago was such a dark place… I certainly don’t want to go back there~

How do you pull yourself out of IT when you are SMACK dab in the middle of IT?

I woke up this morning… Actually I really didn’t want to wake up this morning~ I received three wake up calls~ My alarm went off for two hours straight with z100 at full blast~ And I’m sitting here (when I should be leaving my house) typing these words because I don’t want to go to work today and do more of what I did yesterday which was NOTHING...

This morning felt so different for me – where I am usually the person walking up the street – UPBEAT – ipod on – singing away – getting my hustle on - on the way to work. That Alicia Anabel who is ALL smiles saying good morning to everyone - - with a smile on her face… walking by people who are less than happy.

I usually never let their mood affect me. I always try to stay smiling. I’m usually able to feel their energy bounce right off their bodies - - and for the most part I am able to deflect it and not let it phase me.

NOT TODAY, today I felt my own negative energy this morning… it was powerful, dark, ugly - - to walk by someone who seems angry or miserable or just having a rough life and see their my reflection in ME - - in the homeless man I walked by this morning - -this sense of hopelessness - - as he entered the church… all the faces I pass - - that past by me without smiles… I join them today in that sentiment.

I am not happy today~
My chest is tight~
I feel hot~
I feel warm~
I feel like there’s a lump in my throat~
My heart feels heavy~
I can feel the sadness in my eyes~
My legs feel weak~
I did not want to get out of bed at all~

I’ve read and have heard people say… that sleeping too much is a clear sign of depression. And I just wanted to sleep the rest of the week away. But I was reminded that I needed to get my ass up…

So as I was washing my face this morning looking at myself in the mirror I thought to myself:

Am I depressed?
Or am I just going through something?
Am I just having a moment?
And will this moment pass?

I even considered calling my old therapist who I haven’t seen in two years. And I came back to DEPRESSION - - there will be NO taking medicine… I need to stay away from all addictions… (Sex, alcohol or drugs) and by drugs I’m talking about anti-depressants - - but there are those of us who numb our pain with some pretty hard core stuff…

But for me - - TODAY - - I actually want to FEEL what I am feeling. I want feel my way through this pain and sadness. I have been here before and have gotten myself out of IT. And if I am able to get myself out of this in a healthy way then I will have given myself a new way of dealing – a better way of healing.

So what gets me out it? Meditation (aka prayer) ~

I need to bring my mental, physical and emotional self into alignment.

What am I meditating on today?
What do I need?
What am I asking for?

Continual constant joy in all I do in every area of my life… to walk in peace… for the wind to rattle me but never to pull me out of my foundation. To be able to stand TALL~ and I need this strength because I’m not feeling very tall. L

I am meditating on the word PRAYER~ to help me get out of this depressed state…

Whatever I have gone through in this life… anything I have ever asked for during my meditation was answered – in one way or another – positive or negative - - and without fail - - whenever I communed - - whatever I needed was provided. But ONLY if - -it was intended for me.

My word today is prayer - - and I read this today:

"God always answers my prayers according to the principle of truth, according to Divine Will for my highest good, and according to my faith."

So I MUST believe - - if something is for my HIGHEST good and I walk in and with FAITH - - than it will be mine. I’m reminded that I must release all doubt and expect a positive outcome… believe that my prayers will be answered…and KNOW that ALL will work out exactly as it is meant to.

So my meditation today:
I acknowledge my own Divinity and I call it forth as my strength… I know what I need to do. I just need the strength to do it. This means I must dig real deep for this power – this source within me… that light that fills me…the love that consumes me - - its that THING that gets me up in the morning, that THING that picks me up when I fall to the ground – that THING that got me through and continues to get me through the loss of Kevin and Luis.

I read that often time’s prayers are results oriented. We only believe it works when we have the results in the material form. But I must remember that I may not always see the results - - and I will understand that "prayer is actually an affirmation of what already exists… it is a demonstration of our willingness to receive what is good for us" that I will only have what is meant for me.

Its remembering that I have everything I need - - when I need it~

I call forth the divine within me as the strength I need - - to do what I know I must do~

Whenever I call IT always shows up~

As I got to the end of writing this today I read this:

"The divine source of all life is the fulfillment of ALL potential"

This is why I am in the middle of it… it’s about realizing my FULL POTENTIAL~

Me my fullest potential… my life as it is unfolding… trusting that I will recognize the answer to my prayer when it shows up… so tomorrow I will write about POTENTIAL… not sure if you all saw it – but my prayer was answered as I wrote.

How do you pull yourself out of IT when you are in the middle of IT?


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