Sunday, March 23, 2008

Good Girls Share~

I remember being told that good girls share~

If I had a toy and one of my younger sisters wanted to play with it my mother would make me give it to them. But when she walked away I would probably smack them in the head… I hated being forced to share.

So I guess I was a bad girl…

I recently was accused of not sharing AGAIN… either the woman meant that I didn’t know how to share… or just meant in ONE or MANY areas of my life I refuse to share with others. The person was telling me that I wasn’t willing to share certain things like my personal experience, story and feelings. That conversation was with Bloo – I HATE it when that *&^%$ is right… so last week she called me on my crap - - telling me that I don’t share~ she was talking about the area of my SUCCESS~

Actually, her exact words were: "there are parts of you that you are not willing to share" telling me that there are things I guard with my life… (I hate that you’re right stupid head!)

She told me that yes I am ready and willing to share my love… but that it’s not ALL people need. She told me that I have a fear that there won’t be enough left over for me if I share…

So today I meditated on the word SHARING… and the intention that I wrote for myself today is:

I intend to LEARN how to SHARE MY LIFE~

I can admit that SHARING is a tough thing for me to do because it brings up a lot of different emotions like:

1. I have been doing this alone thing for a long time - - how will someone fit?
2. I have been living a certain way for a long time - - this fear of something new coming in and disrupting that~ changing that~ trying to control that~
3. If it aint broke – don’t fix it…
4. What’s mine is mine…
5. Everything that I have - - I’ve gotten on my own - - and I’ll be damned if someone comes in and takes credit from me~
6. If I give of myself in certain ways - - then I will somehow lose myself~
7. I don’t wanna have to answer to nobody…
8. It’s my life~
9. I don’t need your help - - I got this~

So - - How do I share my life?

I was looking at the list I just wrote and the key words I used were:

I have been~
What’s mine~
Everything I have~
I’ll be damned~
I will lose~
I don’t wanna~
I got this~
I don’t need~

There’s a lot of "I" this - - "I" that and what I found is that my list is not very others centered… so the new words that rise for me are selfishness and willingness. Am I selfish~ in that not for self improvement/self love kind of way~

This selfishness of mine is this disguised way of me protecting myself – protecting what’s MINE, preventing myself from being hurt or disappointed. Its also an idea of being LIMITED… this feeling that if I share MY stuff with others they will TAKE what’s mine…and I am not sure why that is…

So I’m going to replace the word "MINE" and "I need" with a new phrase and way of living:

I am willing to share…
I am willing to be wrong...

Because we must be willing to share if we want to receive the good stuff~

I am willing to share my life~
I am willing to share my love~
I am willing to share my successes~
I am willing to share my pains~
I am willing to share my failures~
I am willing to share my time~
I am willing to share my truth~
I am willing to share my resources~
I am willing to open myself up to NEW expressions of love in my life - - in however it chooses to show up~

How do you share?
In what ways do you share?
What does sharing YOUR LIFE mean to you?
What do people need?
What do you need?


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