Depression can be incredibly debilitating and draining. These last few months of the year are depressing for many people. We begin to think about the people who are no longer with us. We begin to think about all the promises we have made that we have not kept during the year. We begin to beat ourselves up for unfilled goals and dreams unlived. Or if you are anything like me even the things that we did accomplish don’t seem to be enough.
As 2011 comes to an end I am clearing out the old to make room for the new and that includes people and things that contribute to causing me any pain.
Journal Entry: November 7, 2011
I made her a promise that I would always find a way to be better. I promised her that I would always be here for her. So today I am fighting for my life and I am not waiting for anyone to come in and save me. Today, I am saving myself.
Incredible change rises for me during the month of October. October has always been a month of revelation and rebirth. It’s as if the old me dies so that the new me can be born. As I began reading my old journal I noticed some things. I noticed that I started that journal in June 2011. I have never spent six months in one journal. I had been stuck for many months. There were months were I wrote nothing. I didn’t realize I had stopped writing. As I went back and read the pages I went back in time. I went back to see who I was then so that I could understand who I am today.
Reliving my pain has been liberating, fuck liberating that’s not the right word. This process has been NECESSARY!
What I discovered through my writing was that I was self-sabotaging again. Self-sabotage is a form of self-mutilation. Have you ever done that do yourself—cut yourself down and beat yourself up? Have you ever had so much GOOD enter your life at the same time that you don’t know whether to push it away because you believe that you don’t deserve it? Or do you hold onto ALL the goodness that has arrived and say, “HELL YEAH I deserve all of this and more. I AM worthy of all of this!
I chose to push my good away after all that of the blessings that I had received… pushing my goodness away after every confirmation told me that I was on the right track! My past seemed to haunt me. It was creeping up on me again. All of the old words about me not being worthy of ALL THIS GOOD returned.
It has taken me weeks to remind myself that I am here for a reason and that all of this pain is ALL part of that reason. What I needed to understand was that I was being called to sit in it.
All of that sadness… was ALICIA in mourning~
I am mourning~
I am in the middle of my death and rebirth~
I am dealing with my post partum depression and rising from the ashes~
I understand that everything happens in DIVINE ORDER~
I AFFIRM: This moment is all I have~ Who I am in this moment is who I truly am~ With every thought I am recreating my life. I am rewriting my story~
and so it is~
Sending you peace, light and LOVE~