Friday, January 11, 2008

I Won’t Dance~

I've opened the door and invited you in…but you forgot to close the door behind you and I feel this chill in the air – it's a cold breeze.

I shared this story with someone the other night:

When we hung up I just laid in my bed for a while before going to sleep. My daughter was in the shower so I had some quiet time with my thoughts. I noticed that I had something in my hand as I was going to sleep. It was a pen… I found that interesting that I was gripping a pen… when I noticed the pen I wrote something on my hand "inner circle." Daughter got out of the shower and got in bed with me. I slept with the pen under my pillow.

The significance of the pen…the pen for me symbolizes truth, trust, faith, acceptance…it's my tool, it's my weapon, it's my armor - - IT IS ME - - it protects and defends my words, it consoles me when I am hurting, it helps me to find the answers to the questions that plague me - - the pen gives me strength - - the pen is how I share my love - - the pen is how I serve others…which is a big reason why I don't feel alone…as long as I have my pen I am never alone. The pen is the vessel for my greatest gift~

I shared with someone some very intimate things about me and what makes me – ME. I was vulnerable, OPEN, letting my guard down… I invited this person into my home.

I was thinking about me and my partner – THE PEN~

I completely TRUST the PEN~

I am thinking about trust and where we place our trust. Do we trust our co-workers, colleagues, lovers, family, friends and peers with our personal life story? Do we trust blindly and give our trust to just anybody? Do we tell our deepest darkest secrets to strangers that we just meet on the street? How long does it take for trust to be established? Is it automatic with everyone or do we just share our REAL selves with a select few that we really trust to be the witnesses to our lives?

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a friend/colleague. We were discussing dating and the male/female relationship. I shared with her that I felt exposed in a letter I wrote. I have been giving so much of myself lately and feel a little naked. I shared how completely drained I felt after the letter series. How I was so tired and emotionally exhausted. How for just a moment I told someone that I had given so much… it would be nice to have someone taking care of me.

I shared with her that I think in telling that someone that I was feeling that way they might have taken it to mean that I am looking for someone to take care of me. LETS NOT GET CRAZY… it was a moment… I was sharing a MOMENT. I was allowing myself to feel what I was feeling in THAT moment. I told her that I had written someone a letter and that it went unnoticed, unacknowledged, and unspoken… I got no response…

Her analogy was wow – you must really feel like your standing in Times Square with no clothes on… and I just laughed…

She threw another analogy my way. She said its like a couple dancing - - lets say the tango… and you're so into it… the music is good - - the movement is on point… your going in for the dip and he drops you…

Yeah… that was how I felt yesterday. I won't dance~


I read today that:

"Trusting IN someone usually means that there is something they have that you believe you need, or something you have that you believe they can take away to cause you harm. Placing your reliance on words or promised action." Iyanla Vanzant

"When you TRUST someone, you see them in the highest light possible, knowing that no matter what they do, it does not change who they are at the core of their being. Nor can anything happen to change who you are at your core." Iyanla Vanzant

On several occasions I have been told that I seem to be a very SENSITIVE person. I would agree with that fully. Things affect me. I allow myself to FEEL things. I do not just sweep my feeling under the rug. I take myself through everything I feel and often I write out exactly what I am feeling in the moment that I am feeling it. I may not discuss it with the players who are involved immediately but I allow myself to feel what I am feeling first. I don't put it into words in verbal communication instantly I like to write about it - - it's just something I do.

In my writers group we were doing a free write and I asked the writers to try and practice something during the exercise… I asked them to just flow - - to just trust the pen - - to go with it… to keep writing - - they were not allowed to put the pen down at all. But if a thought came to them while they were in writers mode - -I asked them to honor that feeling or thought that came into their minds… I told them to write it in the margin and come back to it later… and keep going. It's important to get it down on the page because we think we will remember the thought or the words later but we never do.

A writer wrote me, "Do you remember all those details or do you right them down somewhere and refer to them later? Because that's a great little skill to have as a writer. The fact that you were able to document your own personal story arc at that moment is unbelievable."

This is my sensitivity at work… it's who I am. I allow myself to feel the emotions that I felt lets say ten years ago. I go back to the place – to the moment in time. I have to feel things on a very deep level and when writing about them - - the experience gets re-lived… for me it's the only way it becomes truth to me… I can't just write words I have to feel them. I allow myself to trust the process. Which is why after the letter series I was and am STILL feeling really exhausted, and completely spent - - I definitely need some pampering and TLC.

Me being sensitive for me means that I TRUST what it is I am feeling… I write notes and even my feeling state as I hear a particular line that moves me in whatever way that it does! I call it my body SHIFT…I like to take myself back to those moments. This is what writer's call trusting and listening to our inner voice or what is called our intuition.

Do I have trust issues? How do I trust people?

Yes I have had trust issues… but for the most part YES I do trust people. I trust all kinds of people - - I may not tell everyone everything about me the moment they meet me - - but I trust them. I guess for me it all boils down to the trust I place in peoples WORDS - - and I pay attention to how they back up those words… I rely on what my heart tells me is the TRUTH.

I put my TRUST in the actions you do or do not take!

Do you trust everyone?
How do you know when to trust?
How do you know when someone is trust worthy?
How do you when you REALLY trust a person?
Are there certain things you tell certain people?
Would you share yourself with friends the way you would share yourself with a significant other?
How do you measure the amount of trust you give certain people? Is it complete trust…just a little…how does that work?

For me - - it's not necessarily about trusting others - - it's about trusting me. I am grateful that I TRUST in all that is good - - it is the only sustenance I will ever NEED.


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