Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I'll know~

We think we know… but we have no idea~

This is what I have told myself time and time again and most recently that I would know when the LOVE I have been waiting for has arrived…that I would recognize the love that was being sent and prepared for me… that I'd know~

We think we know what love will look like when it arrives. We create this idea of how they will be packaged creating check lists of the things - - - of ALL the things / qualities / characteristics / similar beliefs that we want our potential partner to have. And we even have a separate list of the things we will even consider letting just slide…those things that we would overlook for love. Those things that we would settle for just to HAVE LOVE~ share love and give love…

When ever I meet someone that I am considering having a romantic relationship with the issue of having children always comes up. I'm not perfect and certainly have many flaws but starting my life all over with an infant is something that I have resisted for a long time. I think as far back as when my daughter was a baby. I am usually the first person to bring it up and have been known to bring it up on a first date.

The LOVE in my life said to me "maybe we need to find someone who has everything we want even if they don't blow our minds or we're not madly in love with them." That really has settled inside of me. It takes me back to a place where I've heard, "Alicia I think you're wonderful and you have many great qualities and some qualities that are not so great… but I will not accept you as you are because this ONE thing that I want is a non-negotiable."

I talk a lot about ACCEPTANCE – accept me for me… the way I accept you. So if we don't want the same things our partner wants does that mean we don't accept them? Does this mean that they don't accept us?

I'm sad today because I want to share my life with this person and I already know this - - but I am afraid that they can't accept me.

(Actually I added this part after... what about me accepting them... what is my fear really about... there not being enough love for me...) The thought of that pains me…

I am sitting with the idea of accepting a partner in my life – I am absolutely crazy about this new person. I see so many things I'm looking for in a life companion as well as, so many things I never knew I wanted.

This person and I have connected on a mental, spiritual, emotional and intellectual level; we have a similar history, a mutual respect and understanding, an instant bond. It's amazing… I have never felt this~

What am I afraid of?
I felt like I was dying last night~
What are we really looking for?
I am looking for LOVE~

This person in my life is so loving… has an incredible life plan wants a supportive, loving and nurturing family. Why wouldn't I want to share that? What do we fear we will lose? What do I fear I will lose? I have given up so much for love~

I wrote this a few months ago:
I need a partner who is strong, kind, generous, emotionally available, confident, honest, incredibly loving and passionate, sexually compatible - - knows how to please me and loves to taste me – every inch of me - - here for me always and in ALL WAYS - - gives me my space when I ask for it - - but is always PRESENT - - in ALL my/our moments - - they're always there walking at my side even when they can't be at my side - - they're the mirror image of me in many ways.

And I have found this in my partner~

How will they know - - that I am there life partner?
Because you see they too have a dream…
They too have things that they want…
They have things that are important to them - - and if they are willing to give up a portion of there dream… what am I willing to give up?
And if my partner gives up a portion of their dream - - how will they continue the dream with me… will they resent me, be angry, want to punish me or push me away - - will they never forgive me? You see its no longer about my dream - - its about our dream. Adjustments must be made~

We both have important missions. There are things that we must do, were born to do and nothing and no one should stand in our way - - especially when we love someone. Aren't there some things we should make concessions on?

Love has nothing to fear~

If we love someone don't we give them what they want? Do I sacrifice the ME to have the US?
Which are the things that should be compromised on?
When do we decide that maybe the relationship shouldn't proceed any further?


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