Are you my judge?
What would you have me write today?
When people come into our lives and that we believe are coming to take what’s ours even with the best of intentions…where do we go? What do we do with that?
The other day I was in a fantastic mood - - every thing was wonderful - - and then I received an email from someone I know. This email I took in a very negative way and I responded to the person in a very negative way.
This is how it happens… everything in our lives could be going wonderfully and BAM…
Something unexpected happens to test where you are at - - to see what you have learned and what skills you’ve picked up on the journey.
What do we do when something unexpected, unsolicited, unnecessary and uninvited occurs?
Where do I go with the words I was served?
Do I sink or swim?
Not only did I sink… I became a:
Why did I feel like I needed to protect certain parts of me? Why did I feel I needed to defend my words?
Why did I allow for something or someone to take my peace and happiness?
The only thing I can share about my private conversation was that my personality and words were in question. And yes I took it quite personal.
What was it about the words that bothered me?
Why did I allow the words to phase me - - to make me angry?
Why did I feel her words were negative?
Why couldn’t I believe that perhaps she was coming from a loving place?
What was her intention?
Did she write me out of love?
Did she write me out of genuine concern for me?
Should I continue to punish myself for the mistakes that I have made?
I felt like all that I had written was getting thrown in my face. What I must understand is that THIS may in fact happen again and again and again. And maybe this is my lesson – that I am no longer safe - - that my words will be taken the way people will take my words and there is nothing I can do about that. That as long as I am an artist there will always be someone who has something to say about my art (good or bad). Perhaps this needed to happen to prepare me for what’s to come. This is what I must understand that there will be more people coming with more things to say to me - - using words I may not like and how will I stand?
I know that there is nothing I put out into the world that I am or should be ashamed of. There is nothing about me or my life that I feel I should hide. There are definitely areas and parts of me that I will always protect. But I will never hide who I am. I will not allow someone to dictate what my personality should look like, be like, or do with as far as my life’s purpose (there will always be CRITICS as my good friend OC reminds me) I know who I am I love who I am.
I must put in the effort to remain consistently disciplined… by this I mean my state of mind and very careful of the words I use - - I must remember the place I live and the love that comes from me and REACT from that place. I must disconnect from the words of others and in the end - - trust in me.
I allowed the opinions of someone to affect me in a bad way and I belittled that person in return. Why did I let the words get under my skin - - I got angry – I was hurt. So what did I do I reacted…I got angry I called the person to discuss it but I didn’t separate myself from the words. I reacted too quickly, immediately, instantly at 1:00AM - - instead of just sleeping on it and taking a day to really hear what the person was saying and understanding another’s perspective outside of my own. I came at her from a place of feeling angry, offended and hurt. I needed to breathe and remember the source - - just because someone has an opinion doesn’t make it true… it makes it their opinion - - their belief. And I can do what I will with that opinion.
So to the person I offended. I am sorry I offended you - - but please know I can not and will not have people in my life who intentionally or unintentionally hurt me - - and I forgive myself for not showing you compassion. You made valid points and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.
It’s not about making resolutions in 2008…resolving to do a list of things - - for me MY resolutions are resolving to live in a certain way. It’s about making right choices for me. I will remember that things will come into my life – and THINK about how will I react in those situations?
How will I stand?
I will stand in peace.
I will stand for peace.
I will stand in love.
I will stand for what I believe to be TRUE for me!
Where do you stand?