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CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Cielo, you are like a butterfly just emerged from its cocoon. You are a baby just learned to walk...everything is new for you. You see everything with new eyes! You are open, open to change, open to new things, open to experiences, and in time that may indeed leave you open for love.
A NEW DAY!
Aug 10, 2008
Today I am feeling some pretty incredible vibes. I am receiving an incredible flow of love, strength and good wishes. My body feels strong. My heart is full. I feel ready. I feel blessed, happy… crazy happy. I am READY to continue getting ready. I am free. I feel this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I am on an amazing journey right now and want to experience every good thing that comes my way. I am more patient today than I have been lately. On this journey I have met so many wonderful people. I have heard stories, shared food and have been surrounded by magnificent views. This experience is so surreal. I’ve dreamt of all these places I have visited. It was real. I have been here before.
The end of us~
It wasn't easy
Calling it quits
never is
But in honoring me
I honor you~
If you think I'm gonna write about us~
I WON'T
If you think I blame YOU~
I DON'T
What we had was OURS
What I gave is YOURS
What I received~
I WILL CHERISH
I'm grateful
Thankful
You arrived~
TODAY IS A NEW DAY! I am grateful I can still be light after the break up. What tends to happen during a break up or what has happened to me in the past is that I allow my self to fall apart. I would become paralyzed. I lose focus. My footing tends to slip. I lose track of all that is important to me. I would allow the sadness to consume me.
But not this time~ TODAY I AM A BUTTERFLY.
This time yes there were tears. Yes there was sadness. Yes there is something missing. I will miss her voice. I will miss her eyes. I will miss that someone you wake up every morning thinking about. That person who is the first thought of the day. The first call you want to make. The last voice you want to hear. It was wonderful to love her in that way. While something is missing… the love I have, the love I shared and gave is STILL INTACT! That love is still at HOME!
Prayer: Do I feel empty? Do I feel broken? Do I feel lost? Not today… that's not at all how I feel. I feel incredibly full. I can find beauty in the sadness. I can find HOPE in the ALONENESS. And my FAITH… my faith is strong. Our last day together was painful. I was completely drained but ALL IS GOOD. THE UNIVERSE IS GOOD TO ME ALWAYS AND in all WAYS. In licking my wounds my wings are healing. This butterfly is soaring. I still have much work to do and I realize I am not ready for a relationship. I am not done with me yet. So to that person thank you for coming into my life~ to that person thank you for being apart of my unfolding~
The word I'm meditating on today is, "Expansion" which basically means being open to natural growth. I'm going with the flow. Books are wonderful but how are we living our lives with the words we're fed? The difference between me then and me now is that now I am truly PATIENT. I know where to turn to for the answers. I can ask a question and WAIT patiently for the answer – I don't force it. I'm expanding!
I affirm: I allow myself to expand beyond where I am. I allow myself to expand beyond who I am. I am expanding into my full potential. I am unfolding into what I want to be. I am willing to risk losing everything – if I'm serious about getting anything.
Prayer: There is still some residue inside of me. Yesterday I was supposed to feel peaceful and open yet the day was met with anger and frustration. Today I release all of it. Today I make a conscious choice to choose another thought. Today I choose a different way of being. Today I release all that had me angry. I release all that brings me pain. I replace all feelings that have kept me incarcerated. I release all limited thoughts. I replace all those negative thoughts with the knowledge that I am an unlimited and limitless being. I know with certainty that I am beautiful, I am love, I am kind, I am truth, I am made in your likeness, I am compassionate, I am generous and I am gracious. I am wise, I am creative, I am peace, I am light, I am strength, I am faith, I am abundant, I am walking with every GOOD thing the Creator has given me. I am not afraid because my FORCE is at my side. I am not alone. I have an opportunity to begin again. Today is a fresh start. Yesterday is gone. Today I choose to see my day unfold the way I want it to be. Thank you for allowing me to wake up and greet another day. I know that I was born to answer this call and that through my writing I am healed and will heal others. And perhaps that thought scares me a little… the thought that I am responsible to write in a way that affects others… but I can release that fear. I do release that fear. I know that I control nothing. Allow me to be a vessel. Send the words through me that you would have me write. Reveal to me my path… thy will be done… and so it is~ Ache~ Let it be filled with love.
~
En un solo dia~
I was staying at a hotel near el parque colonial near el conde in the capital. It was my only night off while we were filming in DR. I would be meeting up with Renzo to continue working on AfroLatinos. We were there to film Santeria/21 Divisiones. It was the perfect time to be in Santo Domingo since September is when we celebrate el dia de San Miguel. We wanted to shoot palo dominicano.
I took a shower and was relaxing when I decided that maybe I should go out and see the nightlife in DR. Actually what I wanted was to hit a lesbian spot. So I researched gay clubs in DR and three names came up in my search. I wrote them all down. I got in the cab and asked the driver to take me to the first club.
When we arrived it was on this dark street near a colmado. It looked like it was in a house and it was kind of hidden. The building was black and there were no signs hanging outside of the club. There were some men standing in front. I wasn’t sure if I was even in the right spot. I asked the cab driver to wait for me so that I could check out the spot. I walked up to the men standing outside and asked them if this was the club de mujeres / the women’s club. I wasn’t sure how to even go about looking for a gay club in DR with all the homophobia that exists in Latin America the last thing I wanted was to get beat down. The men told me that it was in fact a gay club. I walked back to the cab and told him that I was going to stay but that he should come back for me in like an hour in case I wasn’t having a good time.
When I walked in I just looked around it was filled with beautiful Dominican women. There were omen dancing on the stage, women dancing together and women dancing alone. They were FINE, STUNNING and simply BEAUTIFUL! I was in heaven. I scanned the place and walked around to the other side of the bar. I sat on a stool and ordered a Presidente. As soon as the bartender placed the beer in front of me someone tapped my left shoulder. I turned around and she asked, “estas perdida?” she was wondering if I was lost.
~
I could not wait to give Mari my virginity. It was an innocent moment… that moment was SACRED. We were trembling. We were nervous. I felt her electricity with every touch. We released all fears and I gave myself over to her because I knew that she was treating this moment like the most precious jewel. I held nothing back. There were no inhibitions. My body responded to her in a way it had never responded to another human being and her body responded to me. Every single time we made love I cried. I felt like I was making love to one of the God’s. It was as if my body was made for her. I felt so blessed to receive her in that way. I felt so connected to her. When we made love for the first time it lasted fifteen hours. Hours that were filled with exploration, love, tenderness, honor, trust… the spiritual world was present. Our first time was a virgin love.
A virgin love~
When love begins… its beautiful
When love begins… its light
When love begins… it's a fairytale
When love begins… past loves no longer exists
But virgin love…
Aahhhh virgin love …
this love is…
Pure love
Innocent love
Unquestioning love
Trusting love
True love
Real love
Full of passion kind of love
Not caught up in the bullshit love
Lasting love
It's you and me love…
Untainted love
Loving you freely love
Without conditions love
I feel you inside me in a way I have never felt anyone LOVE
You the mirror image of me LOVE~
Ese momento when one gives themselves over and becomes ONE now that’s LOVE~
This is it... we are at the end of this campaign. ONLY A FEW MORE HOURS REMAIN~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter
I am so grateful for everyone's support during this process. I am really excited about this next phase. I get to start designing the book cover and putting the finishing touches on my memoir. I will keep you posted on the progress. Thanks again to everyone for your support.
Peace, light and LOVE~
Alicia
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