Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Chapter 38: Be Authentically YOU!

As we get to the end of this kickstarter campaign—only two days left I am reaching out to everyone I know and don’t to help me achieve this dream of publishing my first novel. I only need $1,100 and I meet my goal. I hope you will help me get there. Thank you to everyone who has contributed. Many Blessings~


Creador, thank you. Gracias a mis orishas, mis guías y protectores a mi derecha, mis angeles de la guardia. Thank you. For a while I didn’t know if I’d make it. I doubted that I would really get through it. So much was thrown at me at the same time. There were moments I didn’t believe I could get up and you creator, my force showed me the way. You showed me that I could. You showed me that I would get up. That I would not crumble. My force showed me that I would keep moving even with all the blows. I’ve been here before and will keep moving. I am so grateful for all the strength… for all the hard lessons… for all the pain… for all the love. I am grateful for your guidance and protection. I know that there is nothing I can’t get through. I know that for certain now. So I thank you. I am so full. I feel like life is changing for me. Thank you.


We were at dinner when something happened. After weeks of him proposing to me everyday, something changed between us. There was a shift. Things got serious. Over Indian food and a game of hangman I said yes. The car ride was like being in church, as he drove down Sunset Avenue; we talked about marriage and what we both found to be the foundation of that lasting love. We were sent to each other. We were good for one another. We made a promise to each other.


I began thinking about what I need for me and what I need to do. Will he be ok with me not being completely ME? Will I be ok with giving up a piece of ME? Can I give up who I’m meant to be? Is this the kind of partnership I want to be in? Will I be happy?
We were on the phone one night when he noted my hesitation in using the word FOREVER. I may not have been able to say forever but I knew that I wanted him in my life in a very real way—forever. I wanted to stay open to the love that we shared. Yesterday, I felt incredibly heavy so much so, that I felt emotionally drained. I was feeling the death of some part of me. I felt like even in this most beautiful LOVE that he and I share, it doesn’t matter how often I say I’m a lesbian or how often he acknowledges it. I am still with a man… a wonderfully beautiful man… are we kidding ourselves? Are we living in denial? The truth is that THIS love feels more real than anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s a mature love! It makes sense. It aligns with what I need (on most days) he has everything I need in someone who could be my companion. What is it that I want from him? What do I want for me? What am I willing to give up? What don’t I want to give up?

I wasn’t being honest with him or myself. I wanted so much to stay here with him believing that my search was over. I was convinced that finally, I met the person who was my equal. I believed that he could give me everything I needed. He was everything that I’ve been looking for in a partner. He is perfect. I stayed with him despite all the confusing moments we shared and he stayed with me through all of my pain. We stood together in love and confusion. I was standing in faith. It wasn’t the truth of who I am. I was pushing so much of me away that it was hurting me. Such an important part of me felt like it was dying. I started to feel like something was missing in my life. It was like I was searching for something. Is it meaning? Is it purpose? Is it love? Is it money? Is it sense of self? I was thinking about the person I once was. I was searching for me. Alicia was missing.


Creator, today I write you a very special letter of love in gratitude for all you have given me and the life I know that awaits me. I am so grateful for the gifts of LOVE that you have shown me. Thank you for the ability to give of my love and self… fully. Thank you for my ability to be vulnerable and allow all my pain to be revealed in love. I am grateful for all the healing that has come from all the LOVE I feel… a healing that truly has been from the inside out. Today I ask you to continue teaching me about love… to continue guiding me towards the mastery of love… to fill me with the kind of love that just pours out of me. I ask you to replace every lonely thought with all the LOVE promised to me… keep readying me… preparing me for the greatest LOVE I have ever known. Bring me the love reserved for me… the mirror image of me. Una persona que me ame locamente… que todos los dias le da gracias a dios que yo naci. Bring me a love like that ALICIA LOVE… complete… and so it is~


Happy 43rd Birthday: BE YOU Courtniana~ Be AUTHENTICALLY you! Truly BE the person you were born to be. Don’t become some idea of the person you should be. Don’t conform based on society’s rules. Fuck that! Be willing to grow… be true to you… be able to look stupid. Don’t aspire to be perfect – just be you. Dime con quien andas y te digo quien eres. Be careful who you keep around you—they will be seen as a reflection of you. Choose wisely! Being authentic holds a whole lot of power… it sounds simple and it is… when you're in the middle of feeling whatever it is you will go through… you will be tested to be true to who you are. And it might be lonely. So if being you means you need to drop some folks, it’s all good… go to our spot… our private spot…I'll meet you there. Always be you…DO YOU! Remember who you are – and where you come from. There is NO ONE LIKE YOU! No one else can do what you were born to do… You have no competition for what is meant for you.

ONLY TWO MORE DAYS~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

Thank you for your support.

Peace, light and LOVE~

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