Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Chapter 32: She was the Picasso painting mounted on our wall~


I was a walking fungus. It spread into all areas of my life and began to pollute me. The problem was that I wasn’t speaking up for myself. I wasn’t voicing what I needed and this fungus turned into an infection, which turned into rage and anger. I was angry because I didn’t check people who needed to be checked. What are the things that form me? What is it that I believe to be true about me? Why do I get nervous when I need to speak up on something? Why am I afraid to stand up for myself? I was replaying in mind all the ways I have stayed quiet. What have been the moments that have impacted me the most in my life? Sometimes you have to sit in the darkness and feel everything.

I am sitting in the darkness. It moves all around me and through me. Everything from my past has seeped into my body. Everyone I have met has impacted me. I was hearing stories about how women are treated and mistreated by men who say they love them. I was so angry that I had to sit back and watch as a school superintendent used a cowbell to summon his two secretaries so that they could bring him his water and turn on his computer. The rage completely filling me when I hear that a woman is asked if she has children during a job interview because if she does then that would disqualify her from getting the job. In most countries you’ll find in the classifieds an employer asking in an ad for someone with buena presencia and they also have to attach a photo to their resume. If you’re black you’re probably not going to get the job and if you’re a woman with coarse hair in the Dominican Republic you’re definitely not getting the job.

Racism… discrimination… It felt like my hands were tied. How was I going to stand up to all of these men, these institutions and these governments? I didn’t know what issue to work on first. I could hear Cielo’s whispers… You are not worthy of being heard… your opinion doesn’t matter… you will lose the job if you say anything. Just go along to get along.

You’ve got potential~

“There is an enormous potential in the human being, that it isn’t outlandish to say if we really wanted to fly, we could fly” ~Leo Buscaglia

I saw myself in her. That’s what I loved the most about Mari. I saw the Alicia in her that existed before the beatings, before the abuse, before the constant violations and moments of betrayal. She was the Picasso painting mounted on our wall. She is the Girl Before a Mirror, 1932 oil on canvas… we are the image in that painting… she and I standing in front of each other sharing dreams, wishes and hopes for our future. And there is no one telling us that we can’t achieve them. That’s what I see when I look at that painting. I see her smile… her softness… I see who she is.

I was madly in love with her and with the potential for our beautiful future. I saw a life full of happiness. There was a part of her that didn’t want to grow up and that was what I found most appealing. I felt like she hadn’t been tainted, soiled or beat up by the world. She hadn’t had too much bad shit happen yet that would change her perception of people. The world hadn’t yet screwed her over to the point where she could not put her trust in people. She still had so much living to do… so much growing to do. But I found comfort in that she was just as trusting in me as I was in her. I trusted her with my life. I met a little girl that I could play with and she wouldn’t hurt me. I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I wanted her to be my first. Can you keep a secret? I gave her my virginity.

When she and I made love it was like I had never been with a single partner male or female, before that moment. She was the definition of love that had been reserved for me. There was a combination of spiritual and physical connectivity when we were together. We became ONE! Each moment we were together I could feel myself enter her and she was entering me.

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Peace, light and LOVE~

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