My heart hurts today. I am feeling myself putting up lots of walls. I am feeling confused and lost. I am in the middle of doing amazing work with the Afrolatinos documentary and my novel. Trying to find that space and time to tend to me… to tend to my spirit… to tend to my growth.
I’m still in the section on relationships in a Return to Love, and today’s sections were very complex. The themes were: Healing our wounds, Closed Hearts, and Working On Ourselves.
“Our armor is our darkness—the dark of the heart, the dark of the pain, the dark of the moment when we make that wicked comment or that unfair request. Our defenses reflect our wounds. But no person can heal those wounds. They can give us love, innocently and sincerely, but if we’re already convinced that people can’t be trusted—if that’s the decision we’ve already made—then our mind will construe whatever someone’s behavior is, as evidence that our previously drawn conclusion was correct. The course tells us we decide what we want to see before we see it.”
Healing our wounds~ We decide what we want to see before we see it. This implies that we tell ourselves stories. We want so badly, so desperately for something to be a certain way that we make up stories in our minds about what is in front of us. And when it doesn’t happen for us the way we expected it to happen we are disappointed. We see what we want to see—not what is.
This is weighing heavily on me today. There is something here that I must release. There is something that I continue to do wrong and that is continuing to see things that aren’t there…these things that I want so badly to see. There are things that I want so badly to have.
“I once had a crush on a gay man. It might have been unreasonable, but I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I asked for a miracle, and the following thoughts occurred to me: “You know, Marianne, you’re obsessed, you’re so unreleased about this because you’re not releasing him. Accept him as he is. Release him to be where he wants to be, doing whatever he wants to do with whomever he wants to do it. It’s what you’re not giving that is lacking here. It’s what you’re doing to him that’s causing you pain. Emotionally, your ego is trying to control him, which is why you’re feeling controlled by your emotions.” I released him in my mind, and then I felt released.”
Releasing those ideas… releasing that which we make up in our minds… releasing that story that we are trying to sell ourselves. That’s what I am doing today... I am RELEASING ALL OF IT. I am staying open to the truth of what is. That’s where I am at today. I am staying in these feelings but opening my eyes and mind to the truth… this is essential.
“… an ego trip was keeping you from applying yourself to your own lessons. In order to learn the most from relationships, you have to focus on your own issues.”
Something is keeping me from applying myself to my own lessons. I understand this now.
I affirm: Today I release what isn’t the truth~ Today I will continue to work on myself~ Today I am OPEN to my growth and learning~
Quotes are from: A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles Of a Course in Miracles, by Marianne Williamson
Peace, light and LOVE~