Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Chapter 34: Living an illusion~


My illusions…

I was reading a book titled: The Country Under My Skin, by Gioconda Belli and there was a line that jumped out of me, "My illusions of changing him into a happy man quickly evaporated. I was furious at the trap I found myself in—all because I had been so innocent, so romantic. In my terrible hurry to get on with life, I had married a man who longed to hide from it."

I went on to read, "It had never crossed my mind that a man could think he had the right to stop me from being who I was."

Mari wasn’t stopping me from being who I am. I understood though that my presence in her life could have altering affects on the person she was born to be. I started to wonder if we aligned. I started to question whether or not we served each other in the relationship. I began to question my place in our union.

What does it take for a relationship to work? What does it take for a relationship to last? I started to think about the illusion that we can somehow make our relationships into what we'd like them to be. We fall into this trap that we can somehow change people. I strongly believe that when we love people we want the best for them and see the best in them.

I could not get her to see the greatness that I saw in her. I had no interest in molding her into the woman I wanted her to be. I didn’t want to become that partner that constantly points out flaws. I did not want to fight with her about the place she was at in her life. It was her life to live. She was simply doing what someone her age does. Mari was learning. She was finding her force. I couldn’t give her that. I couldn’t show her how to do that.

You and I had a great conversation one day about me and dating. My old boss asked us when the last time was that I went on a date. He joked that I needed a woman who could take care of me. You both believed that I needed a woman who could provide for me. When he asked when the last time was that I went on a date, you responded, “Ask her when was the last time someone paid to take her on a date.”

You looked at me and said, “When was the last time someone bought you something?”

You were referring to the fact that I always paid for everything. My response was that I couldn’t remember the last time I was taken out but that I was less interested in that. I wasn’t looking for someone to pay my way or support me economically. I told you both that I rather focus my efforts on becoming the woman that I want to attract for me. I want to be the woman that I want first.

We come up with so many excuses for not becoming the people we are meant to be. Mari had so many complaints about how hard life was. She held onto all kinds of excuses for not being where she wanted to be. When I think about our life—the many “what if’s”. What if we didn't move to NYC? Would I still be a writer today? I could have spent so much time complaining about how fucked up my life had turned out or I could change all of that and create the world that we currently live in. I could have made all kinds of excuses for not taking the risk and following my path.

What I’ve learned was that I needed to be willing to lose everything if I was serious about having anything. This included being willing to lose friends, looking stupid, falling, failing and getting out of my own way. Mari was getting in her own way and it was affecting me and I certainly didn’t want to be another obstacle in her way. Her unwillingness to grow was starting to get in my way. In honoring her I needed to honor me. I needed to keep getting ready.


God was playing a joke on me. The Divine was messing with me. We think we’re ready. We think we’re in control. We believe that we know exactly how life is going to turn out. There is a moment when you’re just minding your own business and the universe throws you this curve ball that knocks you on your ass.

The NYCLWG had a performance at Camaradas on May 22nd 2010, NYC!!! It was a beautiful event with incredibly talented poets and performers. It was hard for me to hear everyone’s poetry because I was working the door. I was called to come up and perform. After I performed my Quien Eres Tu piece the last of the performers went up. I was taping the performances with a little camera, when this person started speaking.

The voice moved me literally I almost fell off the chair I was standing on. These words that I was hearing spoke of strength, pain, love, truth and courage. This spirit entered me with every word spoken. The piece was about a woman who had been molested, raped by her grandfather at a young age. I looked at Bloo and just gestured with my lips, “Who the fuck is this?”

No one has ever affected me that way. It was more than just the stories being shared and the beautiful poetry performed. There was a connection that only spirit could fill me with. I understood that I needed to pay attention to this blessing and gift standing before me. I knew that I was looking at God.

ONLY A FEW MORE HOURS REMAIN~ Your donation is very appreciated, $1, $5, $10 no amount is too small. Please help spread the word. To help publish my memoir please visit: FINDING YOUR FORCE on kickstarter

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Peace, light and LOVE~

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