Max made me want to run and hide. I wanted to protect my inner child. She didn’t feel safe. What I needed at that point in my life was gentleness and understanding. During that time I was writing a lot about wanting to be a little girl. The little girl in me was afraid of the woman she was.
You’ve heard the joke: “What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”
While I was making arrangements for my trip out of the country Max had rushed her move date to be in NYC. Originally, she was scheduled to move in the fall of 2008 but decided she wanted to come sooner. I made it perfectly clear to her that I hoped she wasn’t coming to NYC for me because I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. I told her that I have not lived with anyone since divorcing your father and that I would not live with anyone until you were off to college. That’s just the way I was. I have always put you first.
I would be leaving for six months so I decided that I would allow her to move into our apartment. We would both do each other a favor. She would pay half the rent and the utilities. After thinking about it I decided that six months might be too long so I offered her three months because I knew I would be home in October and wanted our apartment back. I wanted you and I to be alone. She was upset about the change in plans. I did not want it to be an uncomfortable conversation about her finding somewhere to go while I was home—I was very serious about NOT LIVING TOGETHER.
There is nothing better than arriving to your home after being away for so long. I had just come home from Mexico, Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic. Max was so excited to have me home. I walked into the house about 5:00am after flying all night.
She greeted me at the door, “I’ve missed you baby… don’t go to sleep. Lets’ have breakfast together before I go to work. How was your flight? Was it long?”
“I just want to rest Max.”
“No don’t sleep I want to spend time with you.”
I told her that I just wanted to sleep. I was so happy to be home in our sanctuary. I noticed that she had put some things up on my wall in the apartment. It felt like such an invasion of my space. It didn’t feel like home. I didn’t feel welcomed. It was not comfortable for me. The arrangement was supposed to be temporary. I remember not even taking off clothes that day.
That night when she got home from work she wanted to have this twelve-hour conversation about the status of our relationship, commitment and fidelity.
“I know you’re fucking your business partner Renzo,” she accused.
“Where did that even come from? What are you talking about Max?”
“I know you’re cheating on me. You’ve probably slept with men and women during your travels.”
“Max, I am too tired for this shit. I need to rest. Home is where I rejuvenate. This is my sacred space. I don’t need this. I wanted to come home and be filled with love. I am out there giving all of me in Latin America. I am working my ass off. I’ve told you - the moment that I decide to cheat that’s the moment I will end things with you. You won’t ever have to worry. I will call you and break up with you before I ever cheat.”
That night she accused me of being selfish. She went on and on about how I didn’t know how to be in relationship. She complained that I didn’t know how to be in a committed partnership. She called me narcissistic. She stormed out of the house that night. I think she thought I was going to run after her. I just pulled the covers over my head and went to sleep.
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