I needed to tune
her out! I needed to shut her down! I could no longer take it. I didn’t want to
hear it anymore. It’s always the same…
Criticism
Judgment
Negativity
Poison
Yo no te veo progesso…
Yo no te veo progresando…
As she spoke all
I kept hearing was what I would never be, would never have, my destiny of
poverty… tu no esta progresando… that
according to her I have not progressed!
She, my judge and jury!
All the wealth, the power and the
goodness of Spirit exist at the center of MY being. I will experience this good
in such a degree as I accept, believe in and feel it. (Alicia, keep reminding
yourself! Believe the truth! Tune it all out!)
A hurricane was hitting us and the winds of her torment were
affecting me. We were locked in together and I just watched her in a state of
pain and panic. I didn’t have all of the books with me that I read during my
morning practice that also serves as the armor I put on daily before beginning
my day. And that moment I definitely needed reminders. I decided to read something I found on
my desktop, it was the introduction to a book titled, The Prosperous Heart, by Julia Cameron. It was only about six pages
so I decided that perhaps I was being called to meditate on her words about
prosperity.
“Looking back, always, when
a demand for cash has appeared, the supply of cash has appeared also. It simply
means that a prosperous heart—and everything we need—is always available to
us.” ~ The Prosperous Heart
In that space I
am always left to feel inadequate, as if I am useless, unimportant and
insignificant. I am constantly being reminded that my writer’s life is a waste
of time because I don’t own a home or a new car. I am told that my value is
being measured according to material things and bank statements.
Poverty
Limitation
Progress
Prosperity
Abundance
Riqueza
These are the
words that I am meditating on… but not just words that came up in meditation.
These are the words she couldn’t help herself from reminding me of… what she
sees in me and for me. She loves to remind me that I don’t have anything. She
loves to tell me how I am wasting my time as a writer—wasted talent… how I
could have a great job as a secretary. She loves to tell me that all this work I
am doing has reaped no results—she doesn’t see the progress or the point.
What if... in my heart is where all of my prosperity lives... what if here is where my progress is measured... in my heart?
I couldn’t take
it anymore… I lost my cool and went off on her. I find myself constantly
defending the work that I am doing and the person that I am. I explained to her
that we both have different ways of looking at that which we place value on and
measure progress against. Where to her life is nothing and can’t possible bring
happiness without money. For her there is no value unless I have a large bank account.
And for me… I am the richest woman in the world because I am happy without it.
What I value most is my daughter, my family and my relationship to Spirit. I
reminded her that I don’t need money because I have everything that I need… I
have love, I have tranquility and I have peace. I reminded her (and myself) that EVERY time I need anything the universe ALWAYS delivers--not some of the time ALL of the time. In my anger I told her that I
couldn’t take her negativity, her judgment of me and others and her criticisms.
I told her that she is miserable. Perhaps, there was a nicer way to say it yet I felt trapped in a moving vehicle.
“There is only
one way by which you can achieve prosperity.
It is to take
charge of your mind.”
—Eric Butterworth
If poverty is a state of mind... then prosperity is also a state of mind. I choose to believe that I AM entitled to all that is good in this world and I believe that the universe is aligning to bring me all that is meant for me. I believe this. I also believe that my prosperity and abundance comes in the form of this... WORDS... this gift I've been given to write. I receive an abundance of ideas and blessings even when I don't see it. I AM PROSPEROUS! I AM PROGRESS!
“Our culture
invites us to dwell on negativity.” ~ Julia Cameron
People are in
pain. Some people want to hold onto negativity. Some will want us to join them in their negativity. Some will want to place their negativity on us. Yet it is not ours
to hold. We can choose to not hold it
and let their negativity go. I choose to release it. The most beautiful gift I
can give her is to love her even though she tried to break me. Her words can’t
break me. It hurt because the pain felt familiar. I am not the person I was and
I will never be that person again. We are each called to face things, to change
things on our journey and I am not responsible for anyone but me. So today,
after breathing through it I send her love and forgiveness. I send her wishes
for an abundant life… and not in the form of money, but an abundance of peace,
an abundance of joy, an abundance of LOVE and an abundance of lasting
happiness.
Excerpt from
Finding Your Force A Journey to Love~
During yoga my neck was in a lot of pain. It was hard to
breathe. I was thinking a lot about my problems, financial matters and
everything that I needed to get done. I was trying to figure out ways to make
more money. I tried to stop my thoughts… they were racing… where do I go? How
do I start? Who should I call? What do I do? I knew I needed to meditate for the answer. I was saying
things like be still, clarity, release. BREATHE on the INHALE I used positive
words like INHALE peace. Exhale chaos. INHALE love. Exhale hate. INHALE
strength. Exhale weakness. INHALE abundance. Exhale limitation. It wasn’t
working. My mind was filling up with all kinds of things like what about the
rent, bills, food shopping, chores, responsibilities, travel, work, money,
making money, stress… inhale… exhale… release it!
Have you ever taken the time to really feel what happens to
your body as fear creeps in? More importantly do you know how to push it away?
Do you know how to release it, how to get it out your body, how to get out of
your own way? For me this morning my stomach was upset, as if something bad was
going to happen. It was like a premonition of something terrible to come. I was
felt like I wanted to throw up. I was distracted during my practice by so many
thoughts of unworthiness. For every negative thing that would try to get inside
of me I would remind myself that I have been here before. I have felt this
before. This feeling wasn’t new. This tightness in my chest was familiar. It
was all a part of the, "prevent Alicia from achieving true greatness
plan." I had to push past those negative thoughts just to get through
yoga. I got through yoga and still didn’t feel like I reached that place where
I could begin my day with clarity and perspective. I tried again. I went to a
calm space… a safe place inside of me and asked; what is it that I need? What
is my body responding to?
The word that came up for me was WORRY. I am worried. I am
worrying. I must release all worry. My words during meditation were, “Uncover
and unleash your best by worrying less.” Here it was a direct message for me
not to worry that all will be ok. Everything will work out. Trust that I am
guided and protected. I needed to TRUST that we would be fine. I focused on
something else… WHY WORRY… Don’t I always get myself out of a jam…DOESN’T MY
FORCE ALWAYS GET ME OUT OF IT? Rather than worry, why not look for the
solution. The other word I meditated on was patience. I am connected to a force
greater than me. The people I have met, the lessons I have learned and everything
in between has brought me to this moment. I need not WORRY. I can TRUST and
believe that my blessings are manifesting and that all will be ok. I had
allowed for our finances to get all messed up. Things were not looking good. I
was scared. ~ Finding Your Force is available on Amazon.
The truth is I am always
provided for.
The truth is that I am
free~
The truth is things will
rise to test where I am and see what
I have learned and where I
still require attention.
“I’m not
tormenting myself. I learned long ago that in order to heal my wounds; I must
have the courage to face up to them. I also learned to forgive myself and
correct my mistakes. However, ever since I started out on this journey, I’ve
had a sense of being confronted by a vast jigsaw puzzle, the pieces of which
are only just beginning to be revealed, pieces of love, hate, sacrifice,
forgiveness, joy and grief. That’s why I’m here with you. I feel better now, as
if I really were going in search of my soul, of my kingdom, rather than sitting
around complaining that I can’t assimilate everything I’ve learned. I can’t do
that because I don’t understand it all properly, but when I do, the truth will
set me free.” ~ Aleph by Paulo Coelho
The truth is I am still
healing~
The truth is I am still learning~
The truth is I am
unfolding~
The truth is I am
expanding~
The truth is I am WHOLE~
The sections I
am quoting from Aleph today are beautiful lines discovered on my journey…
“Although
sometimes,” I go on, “we need to be strangers to ourselves. Then the hidden
light in our souls will illuminate what we need to see.”
“With each day
that passes, I can see that the long journey is having the desired effect. J.
was right. I had been allowing myself to be slowly poisoned by routine… Now
things are changing, imperceptibly, but they are changing. Meals are times when
I can venerate the presence and the teachings of friends, walks are once again
meditations on the present moment, and the sound of water in my ears silences
my thoughts, calms me, and makes me relearn that it is these small daily
gestures that bring us closer to God, as long as I am able to give each gesture
the value it deserves.” ~ Aleph
“What idiotic
questions had I asked? What was the meaning of life? Why can I make no
progress? Why is the spiritual world moving farther and farther away? The
answer couldn’t have been simpler: because I wasn’t really living! To live is
to experience things, not sit around pondering the meaning of life.” ~ Aleph
I was being
called to see something. I was being called to face myself and feel why it was
that I felt hurt. What was it that the words I heard brought up in me? What
was it about my past that I was being reminded of? (This question I am asking the teenage
Alicia, because she was the one who lost control.)
She responded: It’s when others can’t see
the change in me. It’s when others can’t see how hard I work. It’s when others
have no idea the hours I spend—ten-hour days writing. It offends me when the
people I love the most don’t see the progress that I see and feel in me—for me…
do they know how hard you work ALICIA?
My little
Alicia, I want to remind you that your progress is not for anyone to judge. You
don’t have anything to prove to anyone outside of me. I have seen your
progress! I know how hard you work! You are an amazing writer and were born to
do this. Be proud of who you are—because I am!
What I learned
during this experience was that it was a wonderful opportunity for me to not get angry… to be all I have been learning. It was an opportunity to remember who
I am. Today I will remember that I AM progress… I am growing… and each day I
grow even more brilliant. I will remember who I am in every moment and through
every experience regardless of how painful.
I forgive myself
for how I spoke to her. It’s done!
“You are an eternal
being now on the pathway of endless unfoldment, never less but always more of
yourself. ~ This Thing Called You.
“If we seek something, that same thing is seeking us.” ~
Aleph
“Leave your comfortable
life and go in search of your kingdom.” ~ Aleph
“Our
faith, not our cash flow,
is
what brings to our lives comfort and ease. ~ Julia Cameron
I AFFIRM
Today, I am being called to remember how
rich I truly am~
Today, I am being called to allow myself
to die daily and birth new ways of living~
Today, I will remember that I am always
provided for~
Today, I will know for you and for me,
that there is always enough… there is more than enough~
Today, I accept that I am unlimited~ for
this knowing I am so grateful~
And so it is~
Aché
© Copyrighted
Alicia Anabel Santos 2012
