Day 22: 40 Days~
It’s been almost nine years since he’s left this place. I
wonder how his mother is. His
family. He is so deeply missed. He was such a good person. He was kind and
loving. He was so much fun. He made me laugh every day. Good people do leave us
too soon. Good people leave us too early. Great people leave before their time.
Or at least this what we say to ourselves, that “They were too young… they were just about to blow up! They left right
before they made it!”
And then the finger pointing and questioning begins, “God why have you taken them? Why have you
done this to me? If you’re a loving God...?”
We blame God for the bad things that happen. When something
tragic, traumatic happens we want to find understanding and make sense out of
that which makes no sense. Here is when we begin to pray! We want answers! We want
to bring them back. We want to erase what has just happened. We pray! We go on
faith mode and moments where we haven’t prayed before; this dark moment pushes
us to where the answers have always been.
Sometimes we want to blame God when things don’t go according
to how we might want them. These things that are happening are calling us to
pay attention. We are being called to look at what is happening. We are being called
to make changes in our lives. We are being called to remove things that do not serve
us. We are being called to make choices that align with who we truly are. We are being called to see. We are being called to be still. We are being called to listen.
Today I am meditating on loss, grief, sadness, mourning and
giving thanks to God. I am meditating on the Power of Prayer and I read today from The Infinite Way Emerson’s definition of prayer:
“Prayer is the contemplation of the
facts of life from the highest point of view. It is the soliloquy of a
beholding and jubilant soul. It is the Spirit of God pronouncing His works
good… as soon as man is one with God, he will not beg.”
I love this idea that prayer is the soliloquy of a jubilant
soul. This kind of makes me feel all warm and yummy inside.
And Joel S. Goldsmith goes on to say: “Prayer is the union of our Self, the individual Soul, with God, the
universal Soul. J Said, “My Kingdom is not of this world.” This we must
remember when we pray. When we enter our sanctuary of Spirit, we must leave
outside all worldly wishes, needs, and lacks. We must drop “this world” and go
to God with but with one idea—communion with God, union or oneness with God. Communion
with God is in reality listening for the “still small voice.”
Today he would have been forty-nine years old. The world was
cheated of the greatness that was he. Yet I know that he did exactly what he
came here to do even if we might have desired many more years with him. He was
greatness. To me he still is greatness. I hope he knew this. There isn’t a day
that goes by that I don’t miss you. Happy Birthday KB!
“A new energy is now
being announced to the world—the creative power of thought which draws its
energy from a universal source. You always use it rightly when you use it
constructively. You use it constructively when there is nothing in you that
would hurt anyone. You use it constructively when you use it with love.” Ernest
Holmes
“It is not necessary
to spend your entire time in prayer and meditation. Rather, seek to make your
work a prayer, your believing an act, your living an art. It is then that the
object of your faith will be made visible to you.” ~This Thing Called You
I AFFIRM:
Today, I know that
every ending, every loss… the end of anything is really the beginning of
something new, something great and that a miracle is unfolding and I am open to
receiving it.
Today I receive all
the love, blessings and guidance from my ancestors, guardian angels and spirit
guides knowing that I am always protected.
Today, I stand in
gratitude because I am filled with so much love for humanity.
Today, I know for me
and I know for you… that that there is power in prayer… I am still, close my
eyes, breathe in and out and listen intently to the voice directing my soul~
As I begin my day I
move a little bit slower and enjoy each moment and every person I meet.
My work is my prayer.
My writing is a gift.
My life is a blessing.
My living is an art.
I am constant belief
in all things good.
I am peace. I am love.
I light all the time.
And so it is~
Aché
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
I wasn’t always someone who completes things. People in my life
love to remind me of who I was in the past. I was starting my relationship with
Max and while it was beautiful there were moments she accused me of being
selfish. It was only at this point in my life that I was just beginning to
learn to put the time in necessary to have what I want.
What Max and my family didn’t understand was ALL that it takes
to achieve the type of greatness I was working towards. I was being asked to
step up my game in a completely unfamiliar way. I was pushing myself and
working the hardest I've ever worked. The moment I said, “I AM A WRITER,” was
the moment I answered my call to serve. I was being asked to show what I am
made of! I was summoned to bring it! It was time for me to use everything I’ve
learned on this journey. There is something that I do when I know that I have
an important deadline and it is to allow fear to paralyze me. I do everything
but what I’m supposed to be doing. I am the queen procrastinator! There have
been moments when I’ve missed deadlines. There was always something keeping me
from stepping my game up. Something in my head was always keeping me from
achieving what was so important to me. Put up or shut up! I'm a firm believer and hold this shit
against people. It’s important to keep your word! Do what you say you're going
to do! When you commit follow it through to the end!
Before I met that deadline for the magazine article I
started stressing myself out. I was spending more hours than I needed doing
research on Afrolatinos than actually writing the story. I began obsessing over
all the ways I needed to make this story better. I was giving myself an anxiety
attack and in that moment I stopped. I stopped doing all that I was doing! “Step
away from the laptop ALICIA!” I took a break and sat with you to watch TV. We
talked about how I was feeling. I said, “I'm so mad at myself. I’m supposed to
get this done and sent. I don't want the editor to think I'm not serious or
that I'm not working hard on this story.”
Lovingly you said, “You are serious mommy! You are working hard!
You're not giving yourself credit! You're not even paying attention to me
because you're thinking about this project! You're doing stuff!”
We sat and watched TV a little longer. After I said good
night to you I got on the phone and started complaining about all that I needed
to get done. All my insecurities and vulnerabilities were just pouring out of
me. While I was on the phone I no longer heard what the person on the other
line was saying to me. I heard myself say, you don't understand how badly I
want this. As I said that I was looking around our house at all of the projects
that I am working on. I see my novel, Eva Peron, Mirabal Sisters, the history
of PR, DR, Chile, Venezuela, Argentina, Mexico, Cuba, Isabel Allende's note to
me, the photos of you and me in DC when we met Barack Obama. When I look around
our house I saw just how much I’ve accomplished. I was surrounded by everything
that we have accomplished together. During the end of that phone conversation I
said, I have never wanted anything this badly. I have never worked this hard on
anything. You just don't understand. I don't want to be good at this – I WANT
TO BE GREAT AT IT!
As soon as those words left my mouth I paused. I got quiet.
I had never said that shit to myself before that moment. I've never said that
out loud to anyone. Of course I have wished for greatness in affirmations and
silent prayers always wishing that it would be realized. But this time it felt
different. This time, the internal feelings and emotions were overwhelmingly powerful.
It was almost too much for my body to take without wanting to breakdown. And I
did break down. I cried a little and finally said is this what greatness feels
like? Is this what greatness tastes like?
As I was saying those words in that exact moment I actually believed
them! In that very moment it no longer was about achieving greatness for anyone
else. It was about pushing past that feeling, releasing all the words that don’t
serve me, kicking fear right in the crack of its ass and pushing myself beyond my
own limitations or the limits that others have placed on me. It became about ME
pushing me and doing it FOR ME. It was about completion. As I’ve completed
project after project I am no longer AFRAID OF MY GREATNESS! ~ Finding YourForce ~ Available on Amazon ~
PLEASE
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FREE WORKSHOP ~ 10/28/12 6pm-8pm
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Part 2: Writing with Intention ~ 6 classes on
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