Day 22: 40 Days~
It’s been almost nine years since he’s left this place. I wonder how his mother is. His family. He is so deeply missed. He was such a good person. He was kind and loving. He was so much fun. He made me laugh every day. Good people do leave us too soon. Good people leave us too early. Great people leave before their time. Or at least this what we say to ourselves, that “They were too young… they were just about to blow up! They left right before they made it!”
And then the finger pointing and questioning begins, “God why have you taken them? Why have you done this to me? If you’re a loving God...?”
We blame God for the bad things that happen. When something tragic, traumatic happens we want to find understanding and make sense out of that which makes no sense. Here is when we begin to pray! We want answers! We want to bring them back. We want to erase what has just happened. We pray! We go on faith mode and moments where we haven’t prayed before; this dark moment pushes us to where the answers have always been.
Sometimes we want to blame God when things don’t go according to how we might want them. These things that are happening are calling us to pay attention. We are being called to look at what is happening. We are being called to make changes in our lives. We are being called to remove things that do not serve us. We are being called to make choices that align with who we truly are. We are being called to see. We are being called to be still. We are being called to listen.
Today I am meditating on loss, grief, sadness, mourning and giving thanks to God. I am meditating on the Power of Prayer and I read today from The Infinite Way Emerson’s definition of prayer:
“Prayer is the contemplation of the facts of life from the highest point of view. It is the soliloquy of a beholding and jubilant soul. It is the Spirit of God pronouncing His works good… as soon as man is one with God, he will not beg.”
I love this idea that prayer is the soliloquy of a jubilant soul. This kind of makes me feel all warm and yummy inside.
And Joel S. Goldsmith goes on to say: “Prayer is the union of our Self, the individual Soul, with God, the universal Soul. J Said, “My Kingdom is not of this world.” This we must remember when we pray. When we enter our sanctuary of Spirit, we must leave outside all worldly wishes, needs, and lacks. We must drop “this world” and go to God with but with one idea—communion with God, union or oneness with God. Communion with God is in reality listening for the “still small voice.”
Today he would have been forty-nine years old. The world was cheated of the greatness that was he. Yet I know that he did exactly what he came here to do even if we might have desired many more years with him. He was greatness. To me he still is greatness. I hope he knew this. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you. Happy Birthday KB!
“A new energy is now being announced to the world—the creative power of thought which draws its energy from a universal source. You always use it rightly when you use it constructively. You use it constructively when there is nothing in you that would hurt anyone. You use it constructively when you use it with love.” Ernest Holmes
“It is not necessary to spend your entire time in prayer and meditation. Rather, seek to make your work a prayer, your believing an act, your living an art. It is then that the object of your faith will be made visible to you.” ~This Thing Called You
Today, I know that every ending, every loss… the end of anything is really the beginning of something new, something great and that a miracle is unfolding and I am open to receiving it.
Today I receive all the love, blessings and guidance from my ancestors, guardian angels and spirit guides knowing that I am always protected.
Today, I stand in gratitude because I am filled with so much love for humanity.
Today, I know for me and I know for you… that that there is power in prayer… I am still, close my eyes, breathe in and out and listen intently to the voice directing my soul~
As I begin my day I move a little bit slower and enjoy each moment and every person I meet.
My work is my prayer.
My writing is a gift.
My life is a blessing.
My living is an art.
I am constant belief in all things good.
I am peace. I am love. I light all the time.
And so it is~
I wasn’t always someone who completes things. People in my life love to remind me of who I was in the past. I was starting my relationship with Max and while it was beautiful there were moments she accused me of being selfish. It was only at this point in my life that I was just beginning to learn to put the time in necessary to have what I want.
What Max and my family didn’t understand was ALL that it takes to achieve the type of greatness I was working towards. I was being asked to step up my game in a completely unfamiliar way. I was pushing myself and working the hardest I've ever worked. The moment I said, “I AM A WRITER,” was the moment I answered my call to serve. I was being asked to show what I am made of! I was summoned to bring it! It was time for me to use everything I’ve learned on this journey. There is something that I do when I know that I have an important deadline and it is to allow fear to paralyze me. I do everything but what I’m supposed to be doing. I am the queen procrastinator! There have been moments when I’ve missed deadlines. There was always something keeping me from stepping my game up. Something in my head was always keeping me from achieving what was so important to me. Put up or shut up! I'm a firm believer and hold this shit against people. It’s important to keep your word! Do what you say you're going to do! When you commit follow it through to the end!
Before I met that deadline for the magazine article I started stressing myself out. I was spending more hours than I needed doing research on Afrolatinos than actually writing the story. I began obsessing over all the ways I needed to make this story better. I was giving myself an anxiety attack and in that moment I stopped. I stopped doing all that I was doing! “Step away from the laptop ALICIA!” I took a break and sat with you to watch TV. We talked about how I was feeling. I said, “I'm so mad at myself. I’m supposed to get this done and sent. I don't want the editor to think I'm not serious or that I'm not working hard on this story.”
Lovingly you said, “You are serious mommy! You are working hard! You're not giving yourself credit! You're not even paying attention to me because you're thinking about this project! You're doing stuff!”
We sat and watched TV a little longer. After I said good night to you I got on the phone and started complaining about all that I needed to get done. All my insecurities and vulnerabilities were just pouring out of me. While I was on the phone I no longer heard what the person on the other line was saying to me. I heard myself say, you don't understand how badly I want this. As I said that I was looking around our house at all of the projects that I am working on. I see my novel, Eva Peron, Mirabal Sisters, the history of PR, DR, Chile, Venezuela, Argentina, Mexico, Cuba, Isabel Allende's note to me, the photos of you and me in DC when we met Barack Obama. When I look around our house I saw just how much I’ve accomplished. I was surrounded by everything that we have accomplished together. During the end of that phone conversation I said, I have never wanted anything this badly. I have never worked this hard on anything. You just don't understand. I don't want to be good at this – I WANT TO BE GREAT AT IT!
As soon as those words left my mouth I paused. I got quiet. I had never said that shit to myself before that moment. I've never said that out loud to anyone. Of course I have wished for greatness in affirmations and silent prayers always wishing that it would be realized. But this time it felt different. This time, the internal feelings and emotions were overwhelmingly powerful. It was almost too much for my body to take without wanting to breakdown. And I did break down. I cried a little and finally said is this what greatness feels like? Is this what greatness tastes like?
As I was saying those words in that exact moment I actually believed them! In that very moment it no longer was about achieving greatness for anyone else. It was about pushing past that feeling, releasing all the words that don’t serve me, kicking fear right in the crack of its ass and pushing myself beyond my own limitations or the limits that others have placed on me. It became about ME pushing me and doing it FOR ME. It was about completion. As I’ve completed project after project I am no longer AFRAID OF MY GREATNESS! ~ Finding YourForce ~ Available on Amazon ~
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