Saturday, October 6, 2012

Meditation 31: Transformation~ Day 15

Day 15 ~ 40 Days~
The Power of the Feminine… this is what I am meditating on today. In my journal this morning when I went to write today’s date I wrote: October 6, 2010… and stopped and was like… WOWWW! What would make me write that? I jumped from my bed knowing full well that if I wrote that date by accident then it wasn’t an accident and I am meant to bring my attention to something. I ran to my bookshelf to look for my October 2010 journal and for the life of me I couldn’t find it so I decided to write about that moment a’capella.
October 2010 was a scary moment for me. I was almost evicted and in a dark place. I was in so much pain trying to move in the world as if all was ok.
At the same time 2010 was amazing… I wrote, completed and began to workshop my first play: I WAS BORN~
I WAS BORN… my body just got chills… I am so proud of this work and the first womyn who were sent to perform my piece.
But it doesn’t change the fact that during that October 2010 I was in so much pain. I was trying to find a way out. Thank God for art! Thank God I was open to my creativity. The beauty of that moment was that although my personal life was crumbling… or seemed to be crumbling around me… the actresses who were performing my play were phenomenal and brought to the piece so much love and strength. They gave it everything they are. They told the story of eight amazing women of Latin America and played over 23 characters. 

These women who performed this piece are a FORCE and they each had their SOLO NIGHT (even I performed the play… ) I remember the day I performed… I was falling apart… it was the last night of our run at Teatro Latea in NYC and I was on EMPTY but I gave their stories EVERYTHING I HAD LEFT!
Which brings me to last night…
Last night something amazing happened… a TRANSFORMATION!
Transformation was the theme of the evening for the Rivers of Honey event that I attended. It was incredible the power that I felt. It was the power of the feminine spirit. The feminine energy that was felt in that space was intense. It was a wonderful experience. A beautiful altar was prepared in honor of Ochún (Yoruba Goddess of the River, Love, Abundance and Prosperity~) with fresh flowers, candles and honey. A dancer came out and performed for Ochún. There were beautiful performances, a painter who sang for us, monologues dealing with very real issues that women have dealt with or are dealing with (sexual abuse, abandonment, drug addiction, sensuality, identity and sexuality), and poetry that spoke to the issues of body image and self love… this womyn performed completely naked… she was exposed… she was amazing… so brave, so fearless, so fierce, so powerful… so beautiful.
But the thing that struck me the most around the theme of the evening… this Transformation… is how every moment, every experience is an opportunity to transform. One of the things that I felt deeply last night was pain. The pain I felt by so many womyn, not just womyn of color. The pain of all womyn… the pain from our individual stories… the pain from our collective stories.
That transformation is even more beautiful when womyn can take their pain and turn it into beautiful art to be shared and given as a gift. This is the transformation I felt. That more womyn will do this… my prayer is that more womyn will know that they can turn any hurt, any darkness, any pain into something beautiful and that I can be left as gifts that will heal the world. This is why I was reminded to look at where I was just two years ago and where I am today. There is such beautiful healing found in creativity and for that and for every blessing in my life I am so grateful.
“Our Father which art in heaven,” which means the Spirit of Life within around and through us. Jesus dared to place his hand serenely, in the hand of the invisible.
Today you are to hold your thoughts steadfast in the realization that God withholds nothing from you. Therefore, prepare yourself for a life of joy, love, happiness and well-being. Believe in the Divine freedom, which is yours by birthright.” This Thing Called You~
Today, I am placing my hand in the hand of the invisible and allowing myself to be led.
Today, I know that I am always guided.
Today, I know that nothing is being withheld from me.
Today, I am preparing my life for a life filled with joy, love, abundance, happiness and peace.
Today, I know that I am surrounded by love
Today, I send my love and light to the world
Today, I allow my light to radiate to everyone I touch and meet on my journey.
Today I wish the highest good for everyone in the world.
Today I walk in peace and love.

And so it is~

2007 was the “Year of Transformation” for me. I was no longer this “Organized Mess.”  The Alicia now lived by the mantras "Get it together, " "Everything happens for a reason," "Everything will be revealed in due time," and "You can't move forward unless you look backwards." Luz knew me when every conversation started with, "Today was the day from hell!"

Luz knew me when my life was FULL of drama. She knew me when I never kept a promise. She knew me when I wanted to do a little bit of everything but never completed anything. She knew me when my life was upside down. She knew me when I was a disaster. She knew me when I lied to myself and loved me anyway. She knew me when I was hard on myself. She knew me when I was always angry and full of rage.

She knew me when I was self-destructive. She knew me when I didn't trust myself to make the right decisions and relied on my friends to help me process and make the right choices for MY life because I didn't know how to.  It's so important to keep those people in our lives - - those who KNEW us when…

When I first told Luz about my writing dreams and how we were moving to NYC. I thought she would be like everyone else who told me that chasing after my dreams was unrealistic. I told her about all we had accomplished in New York so far and what she said surprised me. I could hear her excitement for us. She yelled, "Are you fucking kidding me~ I am so happy for you!" I just smiled and laughed listening to how full of joy she was and then she said, "YOU DID IT! You did what you said you were going to do. You stuck it out. You didn't let anyone get in your way. You didn’t listen to words like, “get a real job” or “why don’t you find something steady with benefits.” She kept screaming, “Alicia you did it!"

Luz knew me when my conversations all started the same way. She knew me when I would go on and on about how unfair life was. I would bitch about how miserable my life was regularly and complained often about how unfulfilling my job was. Yet I was never doing anything to change my situation. I would just ramble and complain everyday. Everyday was “a day from hell!” She would always tell me the same thing “There is a reason for everything. There is a lesson in this.” I was listening to the words but missing the message. During that time my life was exactly the way I was painting it. I was the artist who at any moment could have chosen a different brush and color for a more precise stroke. I could have trashed that old painting and started with a new canvas. I could have added more yellows, oranges, light blues and pinks.

For a long time I kept painting the same picture over and over again. It was full of reds, oranges and yellows. The portrait resembled FIRE~ my moments from hell. I was in pain when I was having days from hell. I kept painting myself there. I needed a new canvas. It was time to paint my way out of hell. There is an order to things. I was developing in order. Everything happens right on time. I was unfolding right on time. I needed to be in hell to decide for myself if hell was the way I wanted to continue living. My days started changing. I am not sure when it happened. I was having fewer days from hell and more days filled with happiness. I guess it must have started when I realized I was born to write. I read today that my force assures me that the divine plan for my life will unfold in an orderly manner according to my level of development.  How many times have I thought I was ready only to find out later that I was NOT ready? I was repeating a lot of the same mistakes. But what I know is that when I do fall that too was in ORDER. I needed to have those days from hell so that I could continue getting ready. ~ FindingYour Force A Journey to Love~


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