Friday, October 26, 2012

Meditation 52: Nearing the Summit ~ Day 35

My phone started ringing like crazy…
I was in a deep sleep and having the most deliciously sexy dream that for the life of me I can’t seem to remember now, when my phone started ringing like crazy. I jumped up and didn’t recognize the number yet I answered it anyway. I was still asleep when she said, Alicia Anabel…
Her voice… so soft… so tender… so gentle…
I knew who it was immediately. She told me that she had been trying to reach me for three weeks and that she would be returning to Cuba soon.
I stopped her from speaking and told her that I could hear sadness in her voice. I asked her what was wrong.
“Alicia, haven’t you seen the news?” she said.
She told me that a cyclone destroyed her beloved Santiago de Cuba. Her mother who is in her nineties lost everything, her sister and brother have been crying non-stop. The cyclone took everything… it took the roof right off of their house, eleven people have died and there is so much damage. That they are without food, water, and electricity. She cried as she told me that her mother was hungry.
I was wide-awake now!
I immediately jumped into: What do we need to get done? How can I help? My mind started moving a million miles a second. After hanging up with her I began planning, doing, moving, calling – and then something happened that would just put me over the top—it was the end of the world.
My cell phone fell off my bed onto the floor…
Did I not mention that all this moving and shaking I’ve been doing was all happening from my bed as I was still in my unmentionables?
I picked up my phone, which is completely cracked from a fall it took in August in the Dominican Republic on a cement floor, which left the screen cracked in a 100 places. However, the phone still functioned yet people could not believe that I would hold the phone anywhere near my face.
When I went to turn my phone on it was black. I stared to cry a little. I was crying like a kid who did something wrong and who mommy would be punishing. I started to get angry because I was in the middle of sending out an important email and now I couldn’t. I was also upset because I had made plans to see this friend who called me this morning and now I had no way of reaching her.
So in this fit of rage I SLAMMED my phone on the floor in hopes that the light would turn back on. (Writing this I am laughing hysterically because to only a lunatic would it occur that slamming a phone onto the ground would somehow undo the damage that has been done.)
So when that didn’t work… I got up from bed.
I got up and got dressed. I decided that I needed to go to the T-Mobile store, find wifi and get my work done. Then I stopped myself in mid-lunacy and said WAIT!
“You must eliminate the idea of good and evil as entities opposing each other and realize that there is but one Life Principle. There is but one electric energy wherever it may be used, but one creative Spirit wherever It is perceived, but one spiritual Power wherever It is understood. Like the ethers of space, the creative Principle of Life is ever present. Being everywhere present, It must be present in you. Hence it must be available at the center of your being.” This Thing Called You
I needed to slow down… I began to say to myself you have been using this busted phone for two months without a problem up until TODAY! Today it decided to just stop working… it just STOPPED!
Alicia, you are being called to STOP! To stop working… to stop doing… to stop moving! So STOP!
“Your search is after something great enough to lose your littleness in, something within you worthy of immortality and external expansion.
It matters not if your transition from the negative into the affirmative seems slow, if the ascent from your valley of negation to the mountaintop of realization seems difficult. Each step will bring you nearer the summit.” Ernest Holmes
So I stopped!
I am being called to not rush out of the house today. I am being called to not do anything today. I am being called to remember that it is not that serious. I am being called to remember all the people in the world who are suffering and dealing with tragedy, illness and loss. I am being called to hold them in prayer. I am being called to remember my practice and to begin this day exactly as I am meant to.
In this moment I am praying for Cuba and the Caribbean. And to all my family and friends who are wondering why I am not responding to texts and calls… my phone has STOPPED me—email is best!
And so it is~
Today I am reminded to begin each morning and end each day in union and in communion.
I am reminded that in stillness I am made whole.
Today I choose to see all mental obstructions as the one Perfect Presence within me.
Today I will know that there are no powers of evil and that discords have no power over me.
I have done nothing wrong.
All is in perfect order
All is well
“The creative Principle of Life is ever present in me. Being everywhere present, It must be present in you. Hence it must be available at the center of your being. Today I will know that this day in which I live, this present time, which is now, is perfect.” Ernest Holmes
I come to YOU, as an empty vessel, desiring fulfillment of Your way.
Today, I am being called to stop, clear out, make room and listen.

Excerpt from Finding Your Force
This time… tu saliste y no volviste. Mari wanted to know why I chose to not return? Why did I leave her? We were both sitting in a waiting room. She was waiting for me and I was waiting for her to catch up with me and be the woman that I needed and wanted at my side. I’ve been waiting for my life partner my entire life. I’ve been waiting for my equal. I was waiting for her to see the greatness that I see in her. I was waiting for her to create the future for us that I was planning and walking towards alone. I was waiting for her to get there. I was waiting for her to get it. I was waiting for her to have a revelation so that we could start a revolution. She was waiting for me at the airport to make it all better. She was always waiting for me. She was waiting for me to arrive, rescue her and save the day. It was all-wrong. I wanted to take care of her. I was not allowing her to take care of herself. We have to allow people to be grown. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to be her shero. I wanted to provide for her. I wanted to give her a life. I wanted forever with her.

We have to allow people to be grown. When I step in and do it for her I take away the good that is coming to her. When I am doing everything for her… what messages am I sending her… that I really don’t respect her… that she’s not capable of doing it on her own. This is where resentment is born. I didn’t want to resent her. I wanted to get out while it was still beautiful and virgin like. Mari wanted a superhero and I wanted my equal. She was waiting for me to save her because that’s just what I do. I save people. But who’s here to save me? I’ve never been saved. Well you came in and saved my life on more than one occasion. But who throws me a life vest when I am drowning? As I write this I’m feeling a little nauseous my stomach is doing flips. This feels uncomfortable… there’s this tightness in my chest. I feel very present in this moment allowing myself to go back and feel what I felt that day. I am feeling numbness in my arms and I can barely feel my toes. The tightness in my chest is making it difficult to get air. There’s heat rising from my rib cage. This hurts. She will never know how deeply I love her. How this is destroying me.

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