Day 17~ 40 Days
“You want life to live through you. You want joy to express itself in you. You desire peace of mind and happiness, success, health, radiant living. How could you desire these things unless they already exist as possibilities? Is there not an echo within you, as though it came from some invisible source—a deep feeling, an intuitive something? You cannot quite put it into words, yet there it is definite as your life. But you are an individual, like all other individuals gradually awakening to the greater possibility.” ~ This Thing Called You
“There is a spirit in me and this spirit is God as his own son. Whether or not I understand it, there is a real Myself which forever exists in pure spirit.” ~This Thing Called You
I have a weird feeling in my body. I woke up really scared today. In this dream I was not living at home and had my altar in someone else’s house. I was returning home with my altar for the first time in a long time – I was getting on the elevator and I noticed three bags with religious items. One bag had elements that represented Chango – a double-edged sword, the other was a deep blue bag representing Yemaya and the last bag was Ogun. Since I knew what these items would mean to someone I took the bags with me for safe keeping until I could find their owner. I left all the items in the hallway outside of my door next to personal items from my altar. I had my Ogun, Yemaya Olokun (this incredible vase that she lives in), and I believe my Chango.
This is what I am meditating on today… this idea of SPIRIT… and where to turn to for it… Where does this Spirit reside? Where can I find Spirit? What is Spirit? How do I commune with Spirit?
In the dream a dear friend came over and he began venting about his girlfriend. He was telling me that she was becoming really needy and dependant. Being needy and dependent… needing someone… I sat with that for a moment. I asked him to hold on for a moment because I realized that my altar was sitting in the hallway still and I needed to bring everything in. When I arrived to the door and opened it… everything was gone! The bags I found on the elevator and all of my religious items. All that remained was an empty caldero (pot). All of Ogun’s tools - - his herramientas fueron robado! All of my tools have been stolen.
This is a big deal for me… the symbolism of these herramientas are crucial for Ogun’s work, his machete, his knife, his hammer, his nails… Ogun, (my father in the religion Yoruba) is the God of Iron, he symbolizes work, HARD WORK and everything in his caldero is very necessary for giving him power and strength. The idea that someone could have stolen it from me frightened me!
Is this dream about stolen practice?
Is this dream about Spirit?
Is this dream about my power being stolen?
Can my Spirit really be taken from me?
Am I looking for Spirit on the outside?
Today I know that no one can steal my practice!
Today I know that no one can steal my spirit!
Today I know that my Spirit is safe!
Today I release all fear resting in the knowledge that Spirit lives within me!
“You have a great longing to walk through this tunnel, to leave behind the dismal scene of discontent and unhappiness, and to enter into the joy that your brief glimpse has promised. For in this glimpse you have seemed to see yourself standing at the other end of the tunnel. Perhaps, in this momentary vision you seem to have seen your own spirit.” ~This Thing Called You
And so it is~
That night I asked him where he saw himself in five years. He told me, “I don’t see myself.” So I asked another question, “What is your life purpose? Where do you see yourself headed? What do you want?” “What if my life’s purpose is to love you?” That might have flattered a younger me. Right then and there I knew that it was time to let him go. Letter: To the man who could love again, I give off a powerful magnetic energy that says, come on in! “I’ll love you… let me take care of you!” I love to give myself distractions that will keep me from what’s important to me like my healing or working on my writing projects. I almost made you my project. I wanted to show you how to love yourself. You wanted a little bit of what I have. But the thing is I’m still not whole. I’m good but I’m getting better. Forgive me for having to release you. I must honor myself. I had to honor my heart and you were not the one. Being with you reminded me that I am closer to my dreams and I can not allow anything that doesn’t contribute to forward movement and personal growth to get in my way. When you make someone your everything—telling the person you’re with that their life is in your hands that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone else. I’m afraid I cannot and will not live up to all that. While I’m willing to share my happiness with someone—I am happy with me! And it has taken me a long time to get here. I can’t be responsible for healing your heart – that’s your job. I can’t give you your love. I can’t give you your happiness. I can’t give you a sense of worth or a sense of place. I can’t give you your creativity. I want to share my life with someone not give my life to anyone. SHARE is the operative word here. When you GIVE someone ALL your love you give him or her a lot of power. At least I think so. I thank you for the music. In such a short time you have given me many gifts, encouragement, motivation, inspiration, support, and love. I was lying to myself. I was not ready to receive ALL THE LOVE you wanted to give me especially at a time when I made men my projects. You would have become just another distraction to keep me from what’s most important to me. I forgive you for lying to yourself that you were ready to receive me and I forgive myself for lying about being ready for love. I wish you every blessing. I’m moving closer to my dreams. Love, Alicia ~Finding Your Force
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