I needed to tune her out! I needed to shut her down! I could no longer take it. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. It’s always the same…
Yo no te veo progesso…
Yo no te veo progresando…
As she spoke all I kept hearing was what I would never be, would never have, my destiny of poverty… tu no esta progresando… that according to her I have not progressed!
She, my judge and jury!
All the wealth, the power and the goodness of Spirit exist at the center of MY being. I will experience this good in such a degree as I accept, believe in and feel it. (Alicia, keep reminding yourself! Believe the truth! Tune it all out!)
A hurricane was hitting us and the winds of her torment were affecting me. We were locked in together and I just watched her in a state of pain and panic. I didn’t have all of the books with me that I read during my morning practice that also serves as the armor I put on daily before beginning my day. And that moment I definitely needed reminders. I decided to read something I found on my desktop, it was the introduction to a book titled, The Prosperous Heart, by Julia Cameron. It was only about six pages so I decided that perhaps I was being called to meditate on her words about prosperity.
“Looking back, always, when a demand for cash has appeared, the supply of cash has appeared also. It simply means that a prosperous heart—and everything we need—is always available to us.” ~ The Prosperous Heart
In that space I am always left to feel inadequate, as if I am useless, unimportant and insignificant. I am constantly being reminded that my writer’s life is a waste of time because I don’t own a home or a new car. I am told that my value is being measured according to material things and bank statements.
These are the words that I am meditating on… but not just words that came up in meditation. These are the words she couldn’t help herself from reminding me of… what she sees in me and for me. She loves to remind me that I don’t have anything. She loves to tell me how I am wasting my time as a writer—wasted talent… how I could have a great job as a secretary. She loves to tell me that all this work I am doing has reaped no results—she doesn’t see the progress or the point.
What if... in my heart is where all of my prosperity lives... what if here is where my progress is measured... in my heart?
I couldn’t take it anymore… I lost my cool and went off on her. I find myself constantly defending the work that I am doing and the person that I am. I explained to her that we both have different ways of looking at that which we place value on and measure progress against. Where to her life is nothing and can’t possible bring happiness without money. For her there is no value unless I have a large bank account. And for me… I am the richest woman in the world because I am happy without it. What I value most is my daughter, my family and my relationship to Spirit. I reminded her that I don’t need money because I have everything that I need… I have love, I have tranquility and I have peace. I reminded her (and myself) that EVERY time I need anything the universe ALWAYS delivers--not some of the time ALL of the time. In my anger I told her that I couldn’t take her negativity, her judgment of me and others and her criticisms. I told her that she is miserable. Perhaps, there was a nicer way to say it yet I felt trapped in a moving vehicle.
“There is only one way by which you can achieve prosperity.
It is to take charge of your mind.”
If poverty is a state of mind... then prosperity is also a state of mind. I choose to believe that I AM entitled to all that is good in this world and I believe that the universe is aligning to bring me all that is meant for me. I believe this. I also believe that my prosperity and abundance comes in the form of this... WORDS... this gift I've been given to write. I receive an abundance of ideas and blessings even when I don't see it. I AM PROSPEROUS! I AM PROGRESS!
“Our culture invites us to dwell on negativity.” ~ Julia Cameron
People are in pain. Some people want to hold onto negativity. Some will want us to join them in their negativity. Some will want to place their negativity on us. Yet it is not ours to hold. We can choose to not hold it and let their negativity go. I choose to release it. The most beautiful gift I can give her is to love her even though she tried to break me. Her words can’t break me. It hurt because the pain felt familiar. I am not the person I was and I will never be that person again. We are each called to face things, to change things on our journey and I am not responsible for anyone but me. So today, after breathing through it I send her love and forgiveness. I send her wishes for an abundant life… and not in the form of money, but an abundance of peace, an abundance of joy, an abundance of LOVE and an abundance of lasting happiness.
Excerpt from Finding Your Force A Journey to Love~
During yoga my neck was in a lot of pain. It was hard to breathe. I was thinking a lot about my problems, financial matters and everything that I needed to get done. I was trying to figure out ways to make more money. I tried to stop my thoughts… they were racing… where do I go? How do I start? Who should I call? What do I do? I knew I needed to meditate for the answer. I was saying things like be still, clarity, release. BREATHE on the INHALE I used positive words like INHALE peace. Exhale chaos. INHALE love. Exhale hate. INHALE strength. Exhale weakness. INHALE abundance. Exhale limitation. It wasn’t working. My mind was filling up with all kinds of things like what about the rent, bills, food shopping, chores, responsibilities, travel, work, money, making money, stress… inhale… exhale… release it!
Have you ever taken the time to really feel what happens to your body as fear creeps in? More importantly do you know how to push it away? Do you know how to release it, how to get it out your body, how to get out of your own way? For me this morning my stomach was upset, as if something bad was going to happen. It was like a premonition of something terrible to come. I was felt like I wanted to throw up. I was distracted during my practice by so many thoughts of unworthiness. For every negative thing that would try to get inside of me I would remind myself that I have been here before. I have felt this before. This feeling wasn’t new. This tightness in my chest was familiar. It was all a part of the, "prevent Alicia from achieving true greatness plan." I had to push past those negative thoughts just to get through yoga. I got through yoga and still didn’t feel like I reached that place where I could begin my day with clarity and perspective. I tried again. I went to a calm space… a safe place inside of me and asked; what is it that I need? What is my body responding to?
The word that came up for me was WORRY. I am worried. I am worrying. I must release all worry. My words during meditation were, “Uncover and unleash your best by worrying less.” Here it was a direct message for me not to worry that all will be ok. Everything will work out. Trust that I am guided and protected. I needed to TRUST that we would be fine. I focused on something else… WHY WORRY… Don’t I always get myself out of a jam…DOESN’T MY FORCE ALWAYS GET ME OUT OF IT? Rather than worry, why not look for the solution. The other word I meditated on was patience. I am connected to a force greater than me. The people I have met, the lessons I have learned and everything in between has brought me to this moment. I need not WORRY. I can TRUST and believe that my blessings are manifesting and that all will be ok. I had allowed for our finances to get all messed up. Things were not looking good. I was scared. ~ Finding Your Force is available on Amazon.
The truth is I am always provided for.
The truth is that I am free~
The truth is things will rise to test where I am and see what
I have learned and where I still require attention.
“I’m not tormenting myself. I learned long ago that in order to heal my wounds; I must have the courage to face up to them. I also learned to forgive myself and correct my mistakes. However, ever since I started out on this journey, I’ve had a sense of being confronted by a vast jigsaw puzzle, the pieces of which are only just beginning to be revealed, pieces of love, hate, sacrifice, forgiveness, joy and grief. That’s why I’m here with you. I feel better now, as if I really were going in search of my soul, of my kingdom, rather than sitting around complaining that I can’t assimilate everything I’ve learned. I can’t do that because I don’t understand it all properly, but when I do, the truth will set me free.” ~ Aleph by Paulo Coelho
The truth is I am still healing~
The truth is I am still learning~
The truth is I am unfolding~
The truth is I am expanding~
The truth is I am WHOLE~
The sections I am quoting from Aleph today are beautiful lines discovered on my journey…
“Although sometimes,” I go on, “we need to be strangers to ourselves. Then the hidden light in our souls will illuminate what we need to see.”
“With each day that passes, I can see that the long journey is having the desired effect. J. was right. I had been allowing myself to be slowly poisoned by routine… Now things are changing, imperceptibly, but they are changing. Meals are times when I can venerate the presence and the teachings of friends, walks are once again meditations on the present moment, and the sound of water in my ears silences my thoughts, calms me, and makes me relearn that it is these small daily gestures that bring us closer to God, as long as I am able to give each gesture the value it deserves.” ~ Aleph
“What idiotic questions had I asked? What was the meaning of life? Why can I make no progress? Why is the spiritual world moving farther and farther away? The answer couldn’t have been simpler: because I wasn’t really living! To live is to experience things, not sit around pondering the meaning of life.” ~ Aleph
I was being called to see something. I was being called to face myself and feel why it was that I felt hurt. What was it that the words I heard brought up in me? What was it about my past that I was being reminded of? (This question I am asking the teenage Alicia, because she was the one who lost control.)
She responded: It’s when others can’t see the change in me. It’s when others can’t see how hard I work. It’s when others have no idea the hours I spend—ten-hour days writing. It offends me when the people I love the most don’t see the progress that I see and feel in me—for me… do they know how hard you work ALICIA?
My little Alicia, I want to remind you that your progress is not for anyone to judge. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone outside of me. I have seen your progress! I know how hard you work! You are an amazing writer and were born to do this. Be proud of who you are—because I am!
What I learned during this experience was that it was a wonderful opportunity for me to not get angry… to be all I have been learning. It was an opportunity to remember who I am. Today I will remember that I AM progress… I am growing… and each day I grow even more brilliant. I will remember who I am in every moment and through every experience regardless of how painful.
I forgive myself for how I spoke to her. It’s done!
“You are an eternal being now on the pathway of endless unfoldment, never less but always more of yourself. ~ This Thing Called You.
“If we seek something, that same thing is seeking us.” ~ Aleph
“Leave your comfortable life and go in search of your kingdom.” ~ Aleph
“Our faith, not our cash flow,
is what brings to our lives comfort and ease. ~ Julia Cameron
Today, I am being called to remember how rich I truly am~
Today, I am being called to allow myself to die daily and birth new ways of living~
Today, I will remember that I am always provided for~
Today, I will know for you and for me, that there is always enough… there is more than enough~
Today, I accept that I am unlimited~ for this knowing I am so grateful~
And so it is~
© Copyrighted Alicia Anabel Santos 2012