Its not the first time I felt unwanted and insignificant. Yet it is the first time I catch myself mid-rage and explosion.
Why does this moment feel so familiar? What the hell is going on? Why am I so angry and hurt? What happened Alicia? What did she do to you?
Let me start at the beginning… I spent hours upon hours today (Sunday, October 7, 2012)… flipping out… cursing and being angry with her.
Is it because the emotion that was triggered is my feelings of abandonment… why today?
Was it that I felt she left me hanging… left me out there… left me waiting? Did she really leave me hanging?
I am feeling this deeply today. I was supposed to see her. We had plans. I made her a beautiful breakfast and I just waited and waited and she never arrived. I hoped that she would come, but she didn’t.
So I sat in my bed and started to read: Aleph by Paulo Coelho I could barely concentrate I couldn’t read I wanted to stay angry and hurt… I was so pissed off at her. I didn’t want to read beautiful words or be immersed in a pretty little story. I want to really understand what I was feeling and stay mad at her. Then my eyes glanced over the words:
“Leave your comfortable life and go in search of your kingdom,” I felt betrayed, confused, abandoned. I was hoping for a solution or an answer to my doubts, something that would console me and help me feel at peace with my soul again.” ~ Aleph
It was the word ABANDONED that jumped out at me.
I cried and cried. I cried myself to sleep and woke up feeling completely drained. I am on this fast and its not always going to feel like AAAAAHHHHH there’s a light... its beautiful… perfection… peace… Negative—sometimes what’s being reflected is painful… ugly… dark… but it’s the truth.
I am purging something today. My issue with abandonment is what’s rising for me today. I am being called to look at how abandonment has shown up in my life and what triggers me to go back to those moments where I first felt abandoned.
In a lot of the spiritual work that I have done there is an exercise where we are called to speak to our inner child… to go back to those first moments or past experiences that come up in adulthood. In my case it’s connecting and really listening to little Alicia… my little girl. She’s six years old. I don’t really like to listen to her… a lot of the time I don’t want to pay attention to her because big Alicia has too much work to do. But when she needs something she breaks me down. Which is what happened today. I was being called to listen to her.
When I read that line in Aleph I understood that something from my past was the real cause of my hurt… that I felt that she the person I made breakfast for didn’t think I was important enough to be with today.
I felt insignificant.
I felt unimportant.
I felt unloved.
I felt like I didn’t matter.
MAN!!!! My heart hurts a little bit because I know that that is not the truth. She does love me. She loves me more than anything in this world. But little Alicia didn’t feel important to her.
So I did what I always do… I did some research on identifying where abandonment issues are born and how one goes about getting rid of this feeling once and for all.
I found this article that has a fountain of information but it was what she wrote about being or needing to be a caregiver that really resonated with me:
THE CAREGIVER EQUATES BEING NEEDED, WITH BEING LOVED.
Your caregiving nature is drawn to codependent relationship dynamics with friends or lovers who are either handicapped, in crisis, emotionally/sexually underdeveloped, substance addicted or in recovery/rehab. You've unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or whom in some way need rescuing--or extreme amounts of support or nurturing. Quite often, feelings of boredom or emptiness will prompt phone calls to friends who allow you to fuel/fix them with 'pep talks' or emotional/psychological bolstering, and you feel better afterward. Occasionally, you'll romantically connect with someone who initially shows promise or "potential," only to be disappointed and angry at the end of this relationship, having carried the financial and/or emotional weight for both of you! The subconscious theme that underlies this pairing process is: "If you NEED me, you'll never leave me."
In the rare event a selected lover presents as self-sufficient and non-needy, Caregivers are still compelled to encourage some level of dependency. This can be demonstrated by attempts to subtly undermine a partner's confidence in body image, wardrobe preference, dietary habits, work proficiency, sexual adequacy, etc. Basically, if there's opportunity to create (at least) an illusion of being indispensable and needed, abandonment concerns are averted. This behavior is driven by our subconscious determination to maintain inequity in relationships, for the one who needs the least is always the one in power. ~ from DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED? By Shari Schreiber, M.A. http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html
Moments where I haven’t feel valued~
Moments where I have felt unworthy~
Moments where I have felt like I don’t matter~
This meditation is not about me finding the answers. Just for today I am choosing to sit here. Acknowledging that this is where my anger came from and to let both my little girls know that I am truly sorry for hurting you both. I want you to know that I love you and there is not a day that goes by that I am not working on becoming the BEST most complete and WHOLE version of me.
I love you.
Today I release my need to be needed!
Today I stand in the truth that I am wanted.
Today I am reminded that I am worthy and I am entitled to the beauty that awaits me.
Today my soul is smiling because I at peace~
And so it is~
Para ti Orula~--> ¡Orula Iboru, Orula Iboyá, Orula Ibosheshe! Con tus beniciones~